A Second Chance with You

Chapter 12

“Dude! Where have you been?” Mark demanded as soon as he entered the faculty room. “You were here this morning but you did not show up for your noon class. Are you okay?” He sounded quite frantic.

“Yeah. I’m good. I just had to attend to something urgent.” He lied as he slumped on a sofa.

“Did something happen?” Mark persisted, sitting across him.

“Look, Mark. I don’t want to talk about it just now. I’m fine. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready.” He replied as he covered his face tiredly.

Mark studied him for a while. “There really is a girl involved, isn’t there?”

Steven lowered his hands but remained silent.

“Look, man, I’m all for you getting a love life and all. But this is not like you at all. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine but you better work on getting that girl without actually putting your career in jeopardy. Just remember what it took to get here. That’s all.”

He sighed. He knew Mark mean well but there’s just no way he’d understand what he’s going through. “What if I don’t care anymore?”

His friend leaned to look at him closely. “Is that girl a student?”

That he would leap to such a conclusion should have scared him, but Steve didn’t care. Mark is his best friend, he would be on his side no matter what. “Can we talk about this later? Maybe over drinks?”

His friend opened his mouth to argue but thought better of it. They both knew he won’t talk if he didn’t want to. “All right. Did you have lunch?”

“Yeah.” He said, unable to remember what he ate or if he was able to finish it. “I need to get to my 1 pm class.” He got up and lead the way to the door.

Mark reluctantly followed him out.

“So, let me get this straight,” Mark said, brandishing the beer in his hand. “You had a girlfriend before, that you never told me about by the way, who you broke up with because your douche of a brother told you to?”

“When you say it like that, it makes me sound like the biggest douche there is,” Steven said as he laid on his back gazing at the night sky. He closed his eyes remembering the times he and KC stayed up late just to watch the stars.

They were on Mark’s veranda, their favorite hang out. An icebox sat between them loaded with cans of beers.

“Yeah, well. It does, doesn’t it?” His friend asked rhetorically before continuing irritably. “I will never understand why you let that punk walk all over you. Are you some kind of masochist or are you just dumb?” 

As his closest friend, he did not feel offended by Mark’s callous words. He has been asking the same questions for years. He never openly spoke to anyone about his strained and complicated relationship with his brother, but his friend witnessed how James treated him once. He became close to Mark in his third year of taking his Master’s. The only person Steven felt comfortable enough to talk to aside from KC, and even then he had not been able to describe how living under the same roof with James had been. In his heart, he is his brother and it is wrong to speak ill of him. He never dared to talk about KC too, until now. Since James is the main reason their relationship ended, there was no way to tell his friend about her without explaining the part his brother played in his heartbreak.

“Can you blame him? He was an only son until I came along.” He finally said after a few minutes of silence.

“Why are you still blaming yourself for this? It’s not as if you asked his parents to adopt you. You don’t owe him anything. You get to where you are now because of hard work! And how come I didn’t know about KC until now?”

“They raised me, Mark. They fed me, loved me, and gave me a family. The least I could do is make things easier for my parents. I don’t want to cause them trouble. And they never let me use my mother’s money. By the way, where are yours?”

“My folks are in Baguio, it’s their 25th wedding anniversary. Didn’t want a party so they just took a few days vacation and don’t change the subject.”

“Wow. 25 years, that’s a big deal, man. Why didn’t you tell me? What was your gift for them? I should’ve gotten them something too.” Aside from trying to veer the conversation away from James, he thinks he should’ve bought a gift for his friend’s parents. He had always been welcome in their home since they became friends.

Mark didn’t fall for his diversion. “I got them a gift, they’re using it now. I was the one who paid for their vacation. I still don’t get how James was able to fool your parents, well you did help him by keeping your mouth shut but still.”

“Just a vacation in Baguio? For Silver anniversary?” He asked incredulously, keen to keep the discussion on lighter topics.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s not as if I’m rich.” Marked said defensively. “They didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. You know how they are, they prefer low key celebrations. You know, intimate. We’d probably have a small dinner once they got back. I’ll invite you, so you still have a chance to buy them a gift.” He told him thoughtfully. “Besides, I would happily give them a more expensive gift if they’d stop pestering me to settle down and give them a grandchild. Like it’s that easy. And you’re still changing the subject. We’re talking about your good old brother and the fact that you didn’t tell me about your first love. Wait, is she your first love?” He demanded, refusing to be sidetracked.

He sighed, there is no distracting him. He’s right of course. Any kind of peaceful relationship with James seems impossible at this point, it took him years to finally accept that. After he lost KC, he never wanted anything to do with James. Limiting his visits to their parents on weekends when he’s most likely out with some friends. If he had to interact with him, he made sure he was sober at all times. He wasn’t too keen on starting a brawl while inebriated, especially not in their parents’ presence.

The fact that Eileen and Martin had a son as malignant as James is unbelievable. Their kindness and care for people less fortunate are limitless. Going out of their way to help out as much as they can. They taught both James and Steven to do the same, to treat people with respect, and be generous with what they have. Steven took this to heart, volunteering when he can, and giving to causes anonymously. James has a different view of the matter. He’d gone with their parents to events for charitable causes and even donated money but he made sure people see it when he did. Sometimes he wondered if James is a magnanimous person and his hatred is only directed towards him, the adopted son. It seemed incredible to even think about it.

“So, is she your first love?” Mark asked again when he didn’t respond.

“Yes.” The only woman who captured his heart.

He went on several dates after they broke up to try and forget. His succeeding relationships short-lived, bound to fail from the beginning. None lasted more than a few months. No one even came close to the hold she had on him. After his failed relationships, he stopped trying altogether. Even s*x had lost its appeal, as incredible as it may be. He enjoyed it but the guilt that follows was crippling. Lying with another woman other than KC felt like cheating. And the thought of her being with another man was enough to make him throw anything he’s holding against the wall that he avoided entertaining such thoughts. The images his mind conjured were too vivid. As years rolled by, he became increasingly desperate for her but could not find satisfaction elsewhere. He placated his longing by immersing in fantasies of the two of them still together. Happily going through life, facing each trial with a brave smile. Igniting the fire of passion in each other’s arms.

“How come I never knew about her?” His friend asked for the third time.

The images popped and he was rudely sent back to reality. He had to take a moment to remember what they were talking about.

“I don’t know. I was ashamed of myself? Ashamed that I didn’t have the guts to fight for her? Ashamed that I hurt her?” He admitted.

Mark shook his head in disbelief. “You should be. Look, I may be wrong here but I just don’t get how you can sacrifice a relationship so you could make your ‘brother’ happy.”

“It’s more complicated than that. I didn’t do it for James.” He said defensively.

“You did it for her?” His friend asked in a dubious tone. “Did he threaten her?”

“You didn’t grow up with James. You don’t know what he’s capable of.” Steven said more to himself than to Mark.

“That’s another thing I don’t understand. Why do I feel like James is so determined to make you miserable?”

He didn’t respond. How can he tell his friend that he just put his finger on the source of his problems?