Between the distance

may be a poem

First I thought you were always a passenger on a plane

I would run through the boonhouse lanes whenever I saw plane

Shouting my dad is in that aeroplane

I got a much more vivid view to my so called dad when my mom introduced me to 'nameless 'when he sang the song 'narudi nyumbani'i don't remember the exact words my mom told.but it imprinted in my brain that that 'nameless' was my dad and he was coming home(I'm telling you I thought nameless was my dad)

I never felt alone

Until you came along

The first time you left

That's when I knew I lacked

I didn't have something that everybody seemed to have.

I became more keen

Noticed it's presence in everyone's life around me

And they beamed

About it

And that's when I knew I lacked

Your absence never felt like absence or lack before,rather it felt like a presence of absence,

But with absence you need presence

You finally graced me with your presence

Until you came along Is when i knew the meaning of absence.

Until you came along I never knew a father figure

You gave me that

Although distorted it was perfect

In your presence I never felt abscence

In my silence I took it all in I felt the absolute presence

Until you left

I hated the feeling of absence

For the first time I cried my heart out due to the feeling of absence, it had been years since I felt that feeling,

I went back to the little tamara borrowing fries from her cousins and only given one

It was never enough,

I never knew how to handle this ,

But I knew it hurt

I hated it

I hated the knob that formed in my throat that made it so painful to swallow

I hated the pain that came with it,

I hated the sobbs that came from the next room

Although suppressed I could hear the suffocating muffled cries

ones she saw me cry about him

I heard her cry that night

I hated that

I had to be strong for her for she stayed .

She never left.

I hated this feeling,

I knew I didn't want to feel it again

I built a distance.

Like she did

She made sure I never had to borrow those fries again.

She got me away from that feeling

And now it was back

It was now greater

And now more painful

I did not want any emotional attachment

From her I learnt distance,

From the movies I learnt to let go

I never wanted to feel it again but your continuous visits would not let me have it

With every visit I wanted this dad feeling even more

With the little seeds of hope you planted in my head that you are going to come for us

That you will finally close the distance and grant us your absolute presence you inspired me

I loved English I thought if I wanted to be with you I had to know English

I loved English

I became eloquent ,

English felt like it would grant me your presence.

English taught me how to write,

To explain myself with words,

And in this words I now wrote

Every year the hope grew dimer

Every year, I knew it's not going to happen

With every year I felt farther away from you

In every year I wanted to detach from you

Every year felt like you didn't love me enough to want me in your life .

Another poem 3

One year you told me you drink cause your reality is s**t.

In every year after that I knew I was your reality.

It hurt

Allow me to be cliche but those words were imprinted in my mind like a lovers words on an epitaph

Whenever you were around you built distance

It hurt ,for it now felt like you were building distance from my presence,

Now I feel sorry for not being the best daughter,for not being confident enough ,for with your absence came insecurities, I'm sorry for not saying enough for not asking enough,

I was afraid that i would get the wrong answer,

I was afraid of asking why you didn't want us by your side,maybe I felt you would give me hope,

another hope that will grow dimmer by the year,

I hated that hope now, it only devoured me from the inside and left me hopeless,you see without hope there is no hopelessness just like withno presence there is no absence, and in your absence sorry to say so but I found comfort,I did not hate rather it seemed like I was running away from a hope of love and love brought reunion

Hope

Oh I hated that hope.

Poem 2

You always said I thought of you as a stranger

I never thought you were ,

You were actually very known to me ,

You are my dad

You were more of an intruder rather than a stranger.

You came and gave us a blast and left ,making us feel your absolute absence

,you disrupted the normalcy of everything

You made me feel like ,I could have it all but not forever,like lightning flash ,enough for me to see the colors of what's ahead but always living me in the dark,

I just never got adapted to it ,the flashes gave me seizures,leaving me to cry alone in my room singing,' I ve learnt to love goodbyes' by cat burns.

Hoping I've really learnt to love goodbyes

Yet really I haven't

I thought that if I sang it many times it would be true

But it only made my heart burn

,I've always loved you dad I always will and the truth is I hate your goodbyes and I've tried building distance from them,and now I think I might regret it.

For I have not built a relationship rather distance between the distance ,

A book ones told me better to have something and lose it than never to have had it at all.and now I feel as if I'm loosing what I never had.

By tamara