In our twenties

In our twenties: People come and go (part 2)

In our twenties: People come and go (part 2)

Para sa single since birth na katulad ko hindi naman talaga maiiwasan iyong mainggit ka sa mga magjowang nakikita mo sa social media. Hindi dahil gusto mong makiuso sa kanila. Masaya naman ang buhay single pero kasi tao lang naman tayo, normal na maghahanap tayo ng kalinga sa ibang tao. I’ve been single for 22 years now and I want to feel being loved by a man. Hindi ko kasi tiyak, masaya naman ako sa buhay ko ngayon, pero parang may kulang at hindi ko alam kung ano.

Days rolled back so quickly and I feel more motivated to work since a student of mine keeps on inspiring me. Totoo pala talaga ang sabi ng iba na mas ganado ka magtrabaho kapag iyong taong gusto mo ay lagi mong kasama. 

We’re miles apart from each other but the distance did not hinder our hearts to be close to each other. Malayo man siya pero pakiramdam ko lagi ko siyang kasama. How powerful love can be, right?

“How long have we known each other?” he asked.

“Two months,” I answered.

“I was just thinking, will you be with me if I’m going to visit your country?”

I hold my breath for a second. Hindi ko alam kung tama baa ng pagkakaintindi ko ano pero grabe ang kabog ng dibdib ko. 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Kinunot ko pa ang noo ko para lang maitago ang kabang nadarama ko.

“This is embarrassing… I don’t know how to say it, but I never dated someone before and I want you to be the first one…be my girlfriend?” Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at napayuko. Kinamot niya pa ang batok niya at ng ibalik niya ang mga mata sa screen ay halos hindi niya ako matitigang mabuti.

I bit my lower lip. Grabe ang karera sa dibdib ko. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. 

I am just peacefully teaching here for several months and never expected that I would be getting this kind of experience. 

“Are you sure? Do I need to answer that question now?” Hindi ko alam kung anong nakain ko at imbes na sagutin siya’t tanong pa ang lumabas sa mga labi ko.

Hindi siya umimik. “I want an answer. Maybe tomorrow you can give me your answer.”

“Why are you giving me a deadline?”

He chuckles. “Fine, just give me an answer once you fixed your mind.” 

Case closed. I really thought so hard about his question. I am willing to say yes right away at that moment, honestly, but an inner force stopped me from doing it. My instinct tells me to observe him more.

But still, nothing change. We talk every day and we even talked about having a family in the future. Ganyan ka advance ang landian naming dalawa. But everything in this world has a limit.

Ngat-ngat ang kuko’y nakatitig lamang ako sa monitor ko. It’s been two weeks since the last time we talked. I knew he was busy with his work since he’s an engineer.  I tried to be an understanding person, because of course, even if we’re close, I do not have a right to demand him something.

When I saw him being online on sss, I instantly send a message.

‘Hey! You’re still up. How’s your day?’

I was smiling from ear to ear when I sent it. I excitedly waited for his reply.

Grinning like an idiot I patiently waited until the clock hits 1 AM. But just like an ice cream exposed to sunlight, my smiles melted. I posted a story on sss and saw him viewing it. Binalikan ko ang message ko sa kanya, ni seen wala. Para akong nanghina. I smiled bitterly. 

Disappointed, I convince myself to sleep.

My life continued to function even without him, pero parang may kulang na, at alam ko na siya iyong kulang. I was wondering what could be the reason why he’s not replying. 

Pero ang puwang sa dibdib ko’y agad na napunan nang biglaan siyang pumasok sa klase ko. As if I was enchanted, I forgot about how disappointed I was in him. We haven’t met for almost a month yet my treatment was just the same.

“You’re replying to my messages on f*******:. Are you avoiding me?” I jokingly said, pero sa loob-loob ay meron naman talagang laman iyon.

“I didn’t see your message, sorry.”

I wet my lips. My message was left for 3 weeks unattended. Normal pa ba ito?

“Okay,” sabi ko na lang.

We were happy talking again, and I found a great timing of bringing a topic that I’ve wanted us to really talk about.

“Aslani?” tawag ko.

“Hmm?” sagot niya habang may tinitipa sa phone niya.

“Do you remember your question before? I’m going to give you my answer already.” I bit my lower lip. Unti-unti na kasing kumakabog ang puso ko sa kaba.

Ang tagal na panahon kong naghintay na makatagpo ng lalaking pag-aalayan ko ng pagmamahal ko. Kahit long distance kami, ayos lang sa akin. Hindi naman importante iyong distansya, ang mahalaga mahal naming ang isa’t isa.

“What question?”

Napabuka ang mga labi ko sa narinig ko.

“You forgot? You asked me before, and you want me to think about it properly.” I am still smiling at him. There’s no way he would forget that special question. 

He rested his cheek on his palm as he tries his best to remember what he had asked me before.

“It’s about the lesson?”

Pilit akong ngumiti at saka umiling.

“You’re just pretending, right? I did not really ask you a question and you’re just trying to challenge me so we could have a topic now, right?” tanong niya nang nakangiti pa.

Kahit pilit na ngiti ay hindi ko maigawad. Nanlamig ako bigla at tila ba binagsakan ng isang sakong bato ang dibdib ko.

“You asked me if it’s possible for us to be…to be a couple,” mahina kong sabi pero pinilit magsalita sa normal kong tono. Iyong kunwari masaya.

“Oh, that one!”

Parang mag nabuhay na kaunting pag-asa sa puso ko. Nang humalakhak siya ay napangiti na rin ako. Sabi na ng aba, imposibleng makalimutan niya!

“I was just kidding at that time. You know it’s impossible for us since we’re too far.”

And that statement made my heart sank more. My eyes started to water. I muted my microphone to blow a loud breath. I balled my fist and smiled at him widely as if I wasn’t hurting. I even laughed.

“I knew it! Of course, that would really be impossible. Besides, we have different religions and I’m not also ready for that,” I said using the liveliest tone I can at the moment.

4 minutes left. I just need to endure a little more. For the rest of the time, I laughed at him as if I’m truly happy. Like wow, I’m so proud of myself for enduring the four f*****g minutes as if I wasn’t in pain.

Like a wounded wolf, I went home on foot. Tahimik lang ako. Nagmanhid na lang akong bigla. 

I opened my laptop to write something, I am in pain but my brain would not cooperate. I ended up calling my best friends on messenger. 

I promised myself before that I would never shed a tear for a man who’s undeserving of my love, but for the first time in my 22 years, I let myself get drown by my own tears, and my best friend witness it.

I shouldn’t have forgotten that everything has a limit. Even the most expensive chocolates expire.

“I told you, never trust a man’s words easily! Why are you so stupid?!” Jericho yelled at me and all I could do is to smile as my tears continued rushing down.

“Jusko, dear. Ang pangit mo umiyak!”

“Yawa ka talaga! Just let me for now, this will be the first and last time I’ll be crying because of him.”

“Yeah sure… next time, ibang lalaki na naman ang rason.” Bumuntong hininga na lang siya.

I smiled bitterly as I dry my face. 

I shouldn’t have forgotten that in life, people always come and go. Not everyone will be willing to stay with you. May ibang tao lang talaga na darating sa buhay natin para magbigay ng aral.

I’m just in my early stage of twenties yet I have endured so many things already and I don’t know what more I can experience next. But I don’t think this is the time to give up. We’re just starting. This is just the beginning 

 To be continued...

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