In our twenties

In our twenties: You're Going To Feel Lost

In our twenties: You're Going To Feel Lost

A couple of months passed, and I couldn't do anything inside the house. I was so damn bored and felt useless that I could not even help my parents to buy some goods during this pandemic because I am unemployed.

For some people, reaching the age of 21 might give them more opportunity to showcase their talents and skills, and enjoying their life to its limits, but not in my case, especially during this pandemic. Because at the age of 21, frustration is slowly eating me. It was never easy to wake up every day just to feel useless. This pandemic really adds another flavor to everyone's life, which it's too hard to swallow. Who would dare to swallow this bitter situation, right? It's just so frustrating!

I keep convincing myself that it's okay. Life is really hard. But there's a part of me telling that life is so unfair when you're poor and unemployed. I realize that graduating from a prestigious university with flying colors doesn't guarantee me a good future. I was wondering why I can't be competitive enough unlike my other classmates who are now already teaching at some private institutions.

Am I not smart enough? Or is it not just my time to succeed?

I was so frustrated to the point that I keep on belittling and questioning my own capability. I am breathing, alive and healthy, but I felt so empty inside. I felt like I am dead. I can't function well. I started losing hope, and this kind of feeling wasn't healthy. It's awful.

But one day, a good opportunity knocks on my door. I was emailed by one editor of an online writing platform to sign a contract with them.

"Should I grab the opportunity?"

That was the question I sent to our group chat, and the very first person who replied was Ate Mercy.

Ate Mercy: Grab mo na. Sayang naman.

Christy: How much are they offering you?

Me: It's not that much, actually. But it can help my family, somehow.

Odessa: I know you, Princess. You're not after the money, but for the recognition. So grab mo na!

Christine: Go na, madam. Minsan lang may opportunity na ganyan. Malay natin sumikat ka as a writer.

Me: Yeah... I am thinking of grabbing it. Pero natatakot lang ako.

Novaleen replied to Christine: Hoy, true! Basta 'wag mo kami kalimutan kapag sikat ka na!

Odessa: We know how much you love writing. Maybe it's time for you to write again.

Napangiti ako sa nabasa. They really know me.

Another message popped, it's from my other GC. From my besties in high school. So I left the other GC unattended and entertain my other GC.

Jericho: Wow this might be the turning point of your life so go and grab it.

Nino: May famous writer na rin kaming friend. Dapat noon pa hiningi ko na signature mo haha

Gene: Just believe in yourself. You have the talent, so never doubt yourself. Sign that contract.

Gimelle: Whatever your decision is, we'll always be here supporting you. ☺

Ainon: I'm so proud of your achievement. Imagine, you're just writing your works on w*****d before and now you're offered to write on another platform.

Me: But I'm not sure if I'm talented enough. Baka walang mag purchase ng books

Gene replied to me: Gaga! How will we know the result if you're not going to grab the opportunity?! Opportunity will only knock once, so grab it now!

I can't help but smile upon reading all their messages. This is the reason why I like them so much because they believe in my capability as an amateur writer. They always believe that I can be able to succeed in this field. And in life, we need more people like them, so that we could be more encouraged to do things. We need to surround ourselves with people who will push us forward to success.

Moving forward, I signed two contracts with new stories. And for once, I felt myself being alive again. A smile curves on my lips. Writing brings me back to life. I felt at that time that I have another purpose in life, which is to spread my words and inspire other people through my works.

In a span of two months, I finished a novel, Ingredients of Love, and a short story, Hopeful hearts. And I'm currently writing my two pending signed stories on two platforms. I was so happy because, amidst the pandemic, I've done something productive. I don't feel useless anymore, even if I am unemployed. I learn how to focus my time on writing.

However, the odds will not always be in my favor.

Sipping in my large mug of coffee, I stared at my monitor for a moment, and start reading the chapter I wrote. After that, I tried typing and then reading again. But something is wrong. I keep on writing words, but I cannot feel the story anymore. It's just mere words without emotion and story. Seems like I am writing with no sense at all.

Frustratingly, I stood up and went out of my room.

"Himala lumabas ka na ng kwarto mo. Gutom ka na?" my mom mockingly asked.

I usually spent more time inside my room to write kaya nasasabi niya ito. Kasalanan ko rin naman kasi minsan kasi nakakalimutan ko ng tumulong sa gawaing bahay dahil sa sobrang abala ko sa pagsusulat.

Pero hindi na ako sumagot sa nanay ko at kumuha na lang ako ng plato dahil gutom na rin naman talaga ako. Habang nilalantakan ko ang pagkain ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na mag-isip ng plot para sa mga kwentong isinusulat ko.

"Paano iyan? Naka lockdown tayo. Bawal na magsilabas sa mga tahanan. Iyong goberno panay lockdown 'di naman tayo masuportahan lahat." Dinig kong bigkas ng nanay ko.

Tahimik lang ako na nakikinig sa usapan nila ng tatay ko na siyang nag-iisip din ng paraan kung paano kami mabubuhay sa gitna ng pandemya.

My father is a construction worker and he cannot work nowadays due to the pandemic. Meanwhile, my mother is a mere housewife. This pandemic is really making everyone's life hell.

"Buti na lang natanggap si Dodong sa isang sideline. Kinuha ni Sayas para ipaayos iyong bahay niya," wika ng nanay ko.

"Kung sana nakapaagboard na itong isa at nakapasok na sa DepEd ay hindi na sana tayo magkakaproblema ng ganitp," wika naman ni papa.

"Oo nga. Pero 'di bale. Pagkatapos nitong pandemya matutulungan naman na tayo ng mga anak natin. Nagkataon lang talaga na maranasan natin ito. Di bale, magsikap na lang tayo para makabangon."

Yumuko lang ako at kunwari ay wala akong narinig. Masarap naman iyong ulam ko pero tila nahirapan akong lunukin ang kinakain ko dahil sa mga narinig. Nakokonsensya ako.

My parents never pressured and forced me to do something I do not like. They are not even pressuring me to immediately take the board and ace it. But even if they are not going to tell me, I know deep inside na nanghihinayang talaga sila sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

Tinapos ko na ang pananghalian ko at saka bumalik sa loob ng kwarto ko. At sa loob ng apat na dingding na kwarto'y tahimik akong nakaupo. Huminga ako nang malalim at saka sinimulan ko muli ang magtipa para sa kwento ko, pero muli, ako'y bigo.

Hinilamos ko ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko. Inabot na ako ng gabi at panay pa rin ang sulat-bura ko sa laptop. My eyes are already burning due to radiation.

I was so tired so I call it a day. But a couple of weeks passed and I could not do any progress in my stories. Readers are already messaging me. Asking when will be the next update, and the only answer I could give is "I'll update soon" but I don't really know how soon it is.

There are so many plots in my mind but I couldn't write well. I don't know if I'm just drained or I just lack the talent to write a story. And there were times that I wanna write but I just couldn't compose even a paragraph. It feels like the fire within me is slowly dying. I don't know what the hell is happening to me. But one thing is for sure, this feeling frustrates me. So damn much.

During the day I am just a normal girl talking to my family and doing the household chores, but when the night comes, I felt that something within me changed. I start hearing voices inside my head. I don't know who it was. But it keeps telling me that I am a total failure. After all the efforts I've done, akala ko nasalba na ako ng pagsusulat pero mas lumala ata ang sitwasyon ko.

Naisip ko na baka normal lang ang ganito. People usually cry and feel lonely sometimes, but I could not understand the emptiness in my heart. Ang bigat masyado pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang kulang.

Have you ever experienced crying one night without any reason? You just cry because you feel your heart so empty and you just need to release it through crying? Kasi ako, oo, ilang beses na. Halos hindi ko na mabilang o matandaan ang mga araw na basta na lang ako umiiyak kasi ang bigat-bigat ng nadarama ko.

Being sad sometimes is okay, but thinking of yourself as a total failure is another level of story. I may not be considered as someone who's depressed but I am sure there's something going on within me, and if I'm not going to fight this demon inside me, it will eat me alive.

You have to fight this inner demon by yourself because there's no one who could help you other than yourself. You need to stay firm. Get your shits together, Princess!

I keep reminding myself about that because, at the end of the day, I only have myself.

I am just 21 years old but life has given me so many experiences that I find so hard to handle. I don't know if I will be able to stand life's harshness in my remaining years. I don't really know. But I'll try to stay tough... I'll try...

"Ang hirap pala maging mahirap noh? Iyong wala ka man lang ibang option na mapagpilian," sabi ni Christine nang magkavideo call kami, and I couldn't agree more.

"Iyong c*m laude graduate ka pero di ka makahanap ng trabaho. Sanaol may trabaho," sabi ko.

They started laughing but it didn't hide the sadness and worries in their eyes. Just like me, they are also pressured by our situation.

"Hindi ba qualified naman kayo mag-apply sa government office kasi may certificate kayo. Ano nga tawag don?" si Christy.

"Pero wala naman kaming backer. Kahit naman qualified ka sa posisyon basta wala kang backer ay hindi ka makakapasok," mapait kong sabi.

"Ang unfair lang," si Christine.

"Sinabi mo pa," pagsang-ayon ni Ate Mercy.

We're just in the early stage of our twenties pero ang dami ng ganap sa buhay. Ang dami ng frustrations na nararanasan. Akala ko happy-happy na after graduation, pero the struggle is real pala after. Ngayon hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

I lose several pounds. I look so haggard. I lost my appetite in writing, the thing that can only save me from my demons. I am also unemployed and I have nothing to offer to my family aside from my presence. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Masyadong maraming ganap.

I never expected that settling to where you are now will still lead you to nowhere. At my early stage of twenties —no matter how hard I try to convince myself—I felt so lost already, and I couldn't deny that.

To be continued...

how was it guys? Sana nagustuhan niyo.

Hindi siya typical na story na ginagawa ko pero sana pumatok ito sa panlasa niyo.