Soul Searching

Stage Four

Helena had been admitted to the hospital after she fainted. Her bloodwork was all over the place. The doctors told them immediately that signs pointed to a possibility of some kind of cancer or major infection but they'd need more testing to be sure.

She was stabilized that first night, with fluids and a platelet transfusion. Isaac thought she looked pretty good as she slept. Almost normal. He told himself she'd be ok. Things would go back to how that were. Even if she had to go through surgery or treatment, she was strong and his undying love would be here to support her along the way.

He hadn't left her side, still in his ridiculous cowboy costume. He sat beside her bed as she rested. After about 24 hours of hospitalization, she woke up, groaning softly. He leaned over from his chair and gently grasped her hand. "Hey honey bee." He whispered, tears already forming in his eyes, blurring his vision. She smiled slightly but her face grew worried. "What happened?" He told her everything.

Then, 2 weeks after that 7 minute ambulance ride, she was finally back home. She was weak and slept most of the day but Isaac was glad to be out of the hospital. She had several tests done the day prior, some specific blood tests that check cancer markers and a CT scan to look for anything unusual.

They were both anxious and Isaac found himself fidgeting most of the day and stress cleaning the house. Helena distracted herself with reading and mindless TV. Though Isaac had caught her staring off during the shows and noticed she was on the same book page each time he walked by.

They had cried together in the hospital. Cried out of fear and worry, cried as they comforted each other and, Isaac knew they both secretly cried because this could mean their plans for children would never come to be. He didn't blame her, he could never. But she would be such an amazing mother if she got the chance and it broke his heart to know she might not.

The phone call came at 3:34pm from Dr. Whittaker. It was a brief call and Helena put her phone on speaker so Isaac could hear.

"Helena." A few seconds pause before she continued. "I'm... so sorry. It is cancer.... We need you to come in tomorrow to discuss your results and go over treatment options."

They both wept most of the evening and held eachother tightly in bed. Isaac breathed in the scent of her hair and felt her silky smooth skin under his fingers as he spooned her. He wanted to remember all of her and never let this moment go.

They made love in the night. Gently and tenderly. It was a profession of their love to eachother and a comfort for them both. Neither of them knew that would be the last time they'd be intimate together.

The next morning, they went straight to the hospital. Isaac held her hand as they walked up the steps and into the elevator. The meeting with the doctor was also brief and Isaac could only remember the key words as shock took over his body.

Ovarian Cancer

Stage Four

Spread to Lymph Nodes

5% Survival Rate

Chemo

Surgery

Radiation

I'm So Sorry

He sat in his chair, Helena's hand limp in his. The world echoed and swayed around him. Cancer. Cancer. CANCER.

He looked over to her, she was crying. Slow thick tears slid down her thin cheeks. Already so thin looking. Her lips wobbled as she tried to stay strong. He squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Their eyes met and he saw hopelessness in hers. He saw the beginnings of a goodbye in them.

No. He wouldn't say goodbye. He'd be with her and she'd make it. She'd be that 5% and they'd have more time goddamn it. ANY time. She'd make it, she had to. The tiny voice in the back of his mind spoke up. But what if she doesn't? He wouldn't even entertain the idea and cast it out of his head.

The CT confirmed several masses in her ovaries and at least 3 affected lymph nodes. Surgery was scheduled for 3 days from now. Then 12 weeks of chemo and several more weeks of radiation. The doctor prescribed an anxiety medication to sedate her if she felt panicked. Isaac asked for a prescription as well and was granted one.

The car ride home was silent. She stared ahead and Isaac did his best to concentrate on the road. They got home and held each other for hours. They fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV, How I Met Your Mother still running despite nobody watching.

The next day was mostly telling their close friends and family the terrible news. They had several visitors and the house filled with flowers and Get Well Soon cards.

Helena wrote a Will that day too.

Isaac wept again at this too, using all of his mental strength to wish for her recovery.

But he knew, as he sat in this dirty bed in a little girl's body, that Helena did not recover. And Mary wept too.