LIES OF MY MONSTER

34

SASHA

M

aybe I lost my mind.

There’s no other explanation to what I told Kirill a week ago after he proceeded to deny me one o****m after the other in the worst form of torture I’ve ever experienced.

But when I woke up to find myself enveloped in his arms, all that discomfort vanished. However, the moment I actually felt strongly about making this decision was when he not only let me hug him, but also hugged me back.

Well, he only wrapped his arm around my lower back, but that counts.

Those aren’t the only reasons I did it, though. After my grandmother and uncle disowned me, Kirill is the one who gave me purpose. Yes, it came with pain and heartbreak, but it was purpose all the same.

Is it a surprise that I pledged my loyalty to him for life? In a way, no, since that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since I came here with him after he was shot.

And who knows? Maybe in a couple of months when his trust is restored, I can confirm that he has no involvement in my family’s deaths.

He’s just not the type.

So I scrapped my previous plan that entailed sneaking around his office. From now on, I’ll be direct and refrain from using any deceitful methods.

On one hand, I have no clue what else I can do. But on the other, it feels like the best decision I’ve ever made. Kirill doesn’t only make me feel like the woman I yearn to be again, but he also makes me feel.

So much, it’s painful.

Uncomfortable, too.

Sometimes, I think it’d be better if I just removed myself from his side. Maybe I’d fly back to Russia or a different country altogether and start over again.

But the mere thought of separating myself from him physically hurts and I have to take a few moments to recover from its imaginary impact.

“Move it, Lipovsky.”

I stand in front of the car and stare at Viktor, who’s been glaring at me ever since Kirill announced that we’re sharing the senior guard position.

To say he doesn’t like it would be an understatement. He asked Kirill if I’m threatening him with something—as if I could ever do that.

The others, though, took the news well. Actually, Maksim threw a party for me a few days ago and nearly got himself killed by Yuri when he tried to make him dance.

Even Karina showed up wearing the most beautiful lace dress and gave me a gift—a stunning coat that I will only wear on special occasions.

She told her brother that she still hasn’t given up on me and will one day have me as her guard.

Kirill, on the other hand, wasn’t impressed with the whole party thing and kept glaring at anyone who held me by the shoulder or bro-hugged me—mainly Maksim. He even retreated to his office early and spent the entire night there, telling us not to disturb him.

Viktor, who currently looks like he’s plotting my death, barely showed his face that night and only came to shadow Kirill.

Now, we’re standing in front of the main car while Kirill, Damien, and Rai are inside a traditional Japanese restaurant for a meeting with the higher-ups of the Yakuza.

Since Kirill will be leaving with Damien in the same car, only one of us gets to ride in the front. Usually, that’s Viktor, because he makes everyone follow his order.

“You, move it,” I say casually. “You can ride with Maksim.”

He steps forward so that he’s towering over me. “The f**k did you just say?”

“You heard me just fine.”

His eyes blaze as he glares down on me. “Move it. That’s an order.”

“You have no right to give me orders anymore. I’m in the same position as you.”

“Listen here, you little s**t. I don’t know what you threatened Boss with to get here, but I will find out and get you exiled from the f*****g country.”

“Are you insinuating that Boss is weak and is prone to be threatened?” I say with a fake alarmed tone.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s the impression I got. I’m sure it’s what he’ll get, too, if he hears about this after he specifically told you there was no threatening involved. Are you, by any chance, calling Boss a liar?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“I can’t guarantee to keep this bit of information to myself.” I pat his shoulder. “But since we’ve been through thick and thin together, I’ll pretend I heard nothing as long as you back the f**k off.”

His shoulders tense beneath my touch and I think he’ll punch me or something, but his palpable anger slowly subsides.

“This isn’t over, you little fuck.”

I make a face at his back and go to escort Kirill out of the restaurant. Since this meeting was requested by the Yakuza, there’s an army of their guards around the property. We got a copy of their security plan, so we know the best exits in case of an attack.

I nod at Damien’s senior guard, Vladislav, and he nods back as we head in the same direction. Where his boss is impulsive and trigger happy, Vladislav is as calm as a mountain. And no, it’s not the same stoic mountain that Viktor resembles.

Vladislav is down to earth, wise, and has a silent presence. I’m going to guess he’s one of the main reasons Damien hasn’t already gotten himself killed.

Rai’s guard, Katya, silently joins us. I’ve always liked her, though I’ve never shown it due to the obvious animosity between her boss and mine.

Like me, she’s a girl who’s making her way in a man’s world. Rai, who’s a huge advocate of women in the organization, personally handpicked her and helped make her this powerful.

The only difference between Katya and me is that she doesn’t hide the fact that she’s a woman. Yes, she gets s**t about it from everyone since she’s the only female guard, but she just ignores them and does her thing.

I wish I had that luxury. If I’d met Kirill as a woman, would he have let me be his female guard?

What the hell am I talking about? A leader in this misogynistic organization wouldn’t let a woman protect him. He’d be seen as weak and hiding behind her skirt.

It’s different in Rai’s case because she’s a woman herself, so having a female guard isn’t as weirdly viewed.

Besides, if I had presented myself as a woman, I probably wouldn’t have met him in the army and none of this twisted fate would’ve happened.

Once Katya speeds ahead of us, probably to avoid being with us as much as possible, Vladislav falls in step beside me. “How many cars do you have?”

“Two including the main one. You?”

“Same. But we didn’t know about this meeting, so we have six men in total.”

“Eight for us.”