His little secret, my sweet sin

CHAPTER2

~Maryjane’s POV~

There have been two defining moments in my life so far since I could tell things apart. The day I met Christopher and the day he lost me for good or at least I thought he should have.

It was a feeling I knew all too well, from the last time I felt alive and then dead all at once, to the time I met the man that rocked my world and then let me sink. In my memory, the reality of it all haunted me but it was all just a part of a life I had buried deep behind my seemingly happy marriage to Christopher Lopez, the love of my life.

I stared at the freshly dug grave beneath me as the rain poured down in torrents making it visibly hard to tell apart my tears.

“It hurts” I whispered, my hoarse voice although swallowed by the relentless downpour filled with grief, “it hurts so much”.

“I know” my husband, his shoulders slumped, stood beside me a shadow of his former self. “I know,” he murmured again, his voice rough with pain.

In my hand folded into a tight fist I clutched a small brightly colored toy, its fabric faded and stretched. It didn’t cost much but she adored it.

A sob escaped my lips as I fell to my knees holding the toy to my chest as I groaned “Oh God please, I can't take any of this”. My husband sank to his knees in solidarity but it did nothing for me.

“I can't handle this pain, Lord, please!” I wailed even more, staring at the dark night sky, surely if there was anyone up there like I was made to believe in Sunday schools he could maybe wave a wand and bring back my baby right?

“Please baby, you'll hurt yourself”. His words offered little to no comfort, I looked at him, his face pale and drawn, his bright Amber eyes now red-rimmed, I could barely see the man that I married, all that was left was a man consumed by sorrow just as I was.

He reached out and gently took the toy from my numb fingers and I let him “I'm sorry” he said.

My expression remained stale, a mixture of grief and anger. “You’re sorry?” I scoffed, “What are you sorry for?” I demanded.

Christopher looked at me, his eyes filled with hurt and guilt “Maryjane….”

“Sorry for not being able to protect her? You know what, don't,” I said, cutting him off.

He looked away, unable to meet my gaze, “for everything,” he mumbled. I stood up, my legs trembling with each step taken as I walked slowly in no particular direction but the one my brain dimmed right.

I heard him call after me, and slowly what started as soft calls turned into screams. The tears wouldn't stop, I hadn't just lost my child, I had lost myself too.

I stopped in my tracks for a brief moment turning back to look at Christopher, a slow and cynical smile gracing my lips. “Every time you get too comfortable in your bed, remember it was raining that day just like it's raining now”.

*******

Days turned to months and sleep continuously eluded me. The sound of rain, the empty rocking chair in the nursery I couldn't bring myself to clear out, and even the smell of Christopher’s cologne all served as a reminder of the tremendous loss.

“Are you alright Mrs Lopez?” The nurse asked. I lost track of how long I stood at her desk staring into space and not recalling the last question she asked me.

“Uhm yeah….yeah,” I replied quickly, readjusting myself.

“Alright! It's a busy day today at the hospital but I have been able to move you up a notch so the doctor will see you in a couple of minutes”

Hope creased the tip of my heart as I watched the nurse all smiles fill out a little form before handing it over to me and directing me to where I'd sit. “Thank you so much,” I muttered.

Not too long after I was called into the consultation room. The doctor, a kind-faced woman, entered the room. “Mrs Lopez,” she began, her voice soft. “I'm afraid I have some concerning news”.

I braced myself for impact, my heart pounding heavily against my chest. “What's wrong?” I asked, my voice trailing off.

She hesitated, trying to choose her words carefully. “The tests……they indicate you may be unable to conceive”.

My heart sank, and I immediately felt like throwing up the contents of my stomach little as they were, and my intestines alongside.

“Wh….what? Unable to…..conceive? How?” I stuttered, hoping she could make sense of my words and make me understand how I lost my biological rights to a child.

The doctor took a deep breath, “The impact from the accident resulted in a severe uterine rupture and I'm afraid you will not be able to accommodate a child in its current state”.

My eyes widened with disbelief “Wh….what does that mean?” I stammered, my voice cracking.

“It means,” the doctor explained gently, “that you may not be able to have children”.

Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision. My one chance at parenting was a big s**t show and not only did it go out with a bang, but I also had zero chances left.

I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than cry while the doctor tried as much as she could to console me. She was only doing her job, I doubt she felt an ounce of what I was feeling.

“We can explore other options, Mrs Lopez” she continued “You may not be able to carry your own child but we can find a way to cheat nature”.

If this was her way of consoling me or trying to de-escalate the situation then she could shove it, I thought to myself.

“There’s one more thing” she reluctantly said. I looked at her and if she looked sad before then right now she was worse.

“You’ve got cancer”