Ghetto Love Bird

Bed That I've Made

I watched as Sorayah played with some other kids in the McDonald's playground, my chin on the back of my hands.

I pat at my bonnet, fumbling with my phone. I was all alone, nd didnt know who to call. The last thing I wanted to do was bother Tera, I knew she needed the alone time with her family because she had been gone all day.

Tera works at a bookstore in the city, which is why it was easier for her to grab Sorayah for school in the morning. In some ways, I envied her. She had a normal life. She didn't sleep with men for money, she's been with Western for over 10 years, highschool sweethearts if you wanna call it that. Which was extremely rare for people of the hood but . . . The definitely made it work.

Her parents were both dead, but before that they were both in her life. They loved her to death, and naturally, they loved me too.

Western was a construction worker, and together they strived.

Compared to me, the fatherless prostitute raising a fatherless child. I barely have stability, and if I barely have it, how will I provide it for Sorayah.

I teared up, and used the napkin to dab my eyes.

How was I going to do this?

"Mamas," I look up and find Rokan standing over me. I should've felt annoyed and dismissed him but I didn't.

"Hey," I quietly sniff as he takes a seat. He recognized the mood I was in, so thankfully he wasnt being all playful.

"Whatre you doing here?" I ask.him and he raises his paper bag.

"Munchies."

I nod, and shift in my seat to get comfortable.

"What's wrong? Why you sittin' here by yourself?"

"Oh," I sigh, letting out a little laugh, "irs nothing really, just . . . life."

"Anything I can help with? You know I got you."

"No," I shake my head, "I'm okay, really."

Roman doesn't look convinced, but he drops it. He pushes his paper bag to the side, and sighs.

I look away as he silently observes me, his eyes then move to the playground where he spots Sorayah. She freezes when she sees him, and they two of them continue to stare at each other.

Confused, I was about to speak up when she suddenly came walking towards us.

Sorayah stood in front of our table, practically eyeing down Roman. Her little floral bonnet was slighted deflated, and her white socks looked like all her life she had to fight.

"Are you my daddy?" She asks him, nd my eyes widen.

"Sorayah!"

"You're always around my mom. So are you my daddy?"

Roman obviously didn't know what to say, and in that moment, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I took her from where she stood, and sat her on my lap.

"Sorayah, this is mommy's friend, Roman. He's not your dad."

"So where's daddy, mommy? All of my friends," she points at the playground, "are asking why it's only you waiting for me."

I glance at Roman apologetically.

"We'll talk about this later, Sorayah. Say bye to Roman and go back to play." She waves sadly at Roman, before dragging her feet back over to the slides.

If I was feeling bad before, I felt like s**t now.

"I'm sorry about that," I say tiredly, "I don't know what's gotten into her."

"Is that what's been on your mind?"

"What?"

"Her not having a dad?"

I clench my jaw.

"Roman, I don't want to be rude, but this really isn't much of your business."

"You right," he replies raising both palms, my bad."

I immediately feel bad, and this entire thing became awkward.

"Tera's having a little dinner at her house. She told me to extend the invitation to you. You're welcome to come, if you like?"

I feel so damn stupid. Why did I do that? Do I want Roman at the dinner? I don't think so. But there was so much pressure to save the conversation that I had killed, i had to sat something.

I doubt he'd even come anyway.

"Word? I'll swing by, just text me the address."

Damn.

"Okay sure."

"I'm about to head out, yall need a ride home?"

I check the time, and it was already a few minutes until 10.

"Sure." I call Sorayah and put her together before we left.

She fell asleep on me halfway home, and I didnt blame her. I'm sure I was extremely comfy, plus thea/c blowing in our faces. Roman kept the radio off for her sake, nd I appreciated that.

We drove in silence, and I noticed that he hadn't said much. He looked a lot more serious than usual, and I quietly wondered if there was something on his mind too.

I don't ask though. I already felt like I had crossed a line inviting him to the dinner with Tera.

We got home safely, and that's all that mattered.

"Thank you," I offer him a smile and he nods.

"Anything for you, mamas."

I felt butterflies fill my stomach but I quickly push them away.

"And hey, I mean that," he takes my hand and stares at me dead in my eye, "anything."

#

"You need to take a trip to the city with me."

"I've been to the city, a bunch of times."

"Sure, maybe in 2010."

I roll my eyes as my phone rang.

"Theres just no reason for me to go there."

"We should take the kids to the Zoo, I know they'd love it."

I hold up a finger as I answer the call.

"Honey."

"Hey, Clay, wassup?"

"Yiu looking to make some money tonight?"

"Always."

"Cool, we'll meet at my place."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Your place? You know the rules, Clay."

"Brixton's Guesthouse it is then, Imma see you later, at 7."

He hangs up, and I flip my phone over on my lap.

"I invited Roman to the dinner."

I told her, and she nearly misses the red light.

We were currently headed to the grocery store to get some stuff for the dinner. I felt like the grocery store saw me literally everyday.

"What happened to—"

I raised a palm, "my mother and I were having an episode so I left with Sorayah and spent the night at McDonald's. Suspiciously, he was there and he was kinda prying. I snapped at him and felt sorry so the invitation became my mid-conversation icebreamer."

"Wow. . "

"Nit to mention, Sorayah just walked up to him and said, 'are you my daddy?'"

"She did not," Tera squeaks in second hand embarrassment and I sigh.

"I hate it here," I joke as Tera bursts into laughter.

"No, but Hon, this could be serious," she says after her laughter does down, "their father brunch is only a few weeks from now and in sure teachers are reminding them to tell their dads."

Oh, s**t.

"f**k Tera, what am I going to do," I clench and unclench my hand, "Sorayah doesn't have a dad, and up until now she's never really questioned it. I can't send her to that Brunch."

"Then don't. I'll leave Western with his dad and we'll have a fun girls day."

As usual, Tera saves the day. I give her a thankful smile before looking away, but I was still devastated.

Everyday, the thought of Sorayah growung up without a father became more prominent. It broke my heart because I knew she was getting older.

It was only a matter of time until the questions I could answer started rolling in, and I was silently wondered if she would love me any less if she knew who I was, if she knew what I did . . . If she knew what type of man I made her with.

It took everything in me not to burst into tears in Tera's car. Sorayah was going to grow up, and she was going to look at.me completely different when she found out and there was nothing I could do about it. Just accept, and lay in the bed that I've made.