Mr. Average

The End (Part Two)

They briefly let me off bed rest to go to the funeral.

They wanted me to speak at it. How much of a f*****g masochist do they think I am? Speaking at my psychotic brother's funeral, after he shot me, and tried to light me on f*****g fire?

Despite what happened, I am still crying. I try not to remember the potential mass murderer, but the brother who cared, but I am at a loss. I don't know why I'm crying. Maybe it's because Lydia. She is hugging my leg right now, sobbing helplessly. Perhaps she has better memories of him than I do, because all I can think of is the brother with a twisted rage inside his eyes, so fierce I considered myself already dead.

Last night, she crawled in bed with me because she said Finn's ghost was in her closet. And for a moment, I thought he was. After all, the impossible has already happened. I cheated on Scott and my brother shot me and almost lit me on fire. I wouldn't be surprised if a zombie apocalypse broke out, like in the movie Scott and I saw on our first date, When the Earth Tilts. Apparently the sequel's out, but I won't be seeing it. Too many demons, not literally.

I was forcing myself to break up with Scott after the funeral, and with that thought dawning on me, I am in hysterics.

I've never seen Scott truly sad before, but I had a feeling I was about too.

He'll understand! A small part screamed, You weren't you!

Yeah, I was roofied, but Finn had told me it was a weak one, to keep me from noticing. That means I have feelings for Adonis. Of course I would never sleep with him sober. Adonis gave mee that lighter, and it felt good that he actually cared. It turned out he lied to Finn when he said he'd film us. But why did he do it then? There's no easy way to say it. He wanted it. So did I. I would never act on the feelings sober, but I sure as hell had them.

Being with Finn when I had those feelings towards Adonis was unhealthy, and cruel to both of them. Like I had them on a chain, yanking constantly, especially Adonis.

I had droned the priest out, but I guess he was finished, because they began to play the song.

"Where are we?

What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to fall, Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling. Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes. This can't be happening. When busy streets amass with people Would stop to hold their heads heavy."

It was Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek". I remember when I was younger and Finn and Mom would hold hands and belch this song at the top of their lungs.

"Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls

Where pleasure moments hung before.

The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life."

I look at Mom, he hair is pulled into a tight bun, and there is mascara running to an inch under her eyes, she is sobbing so fast it looks like she is just hanging her jaw open a crack with her eyes squeezed shut. Her expression shatters my heart. She had hope for Finn despite his condition.

"Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)

Blood and tears,

They were here first."

I don't know why we are standing, but no one is sitting, and I'm definitely not making a scene here. I look down at Lydia, she is clingign to me so hard my knees ache, but I won't move her. I sense her confusion, she had not grasped the full concept of death yet, but smashed into her brain like a train wreck with this. She is sniffling and trying to smother her wails behind her hand. My heart pinched, I scooped her up, holding her like a baby being burped, I pat her back soothingly.

"Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's all for the best? Of course it is.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.

What you say?

Mmm, what did you say?"

Now I am crying, finally remembering the Finn I knew. The Finn who always snuck me half of his dessert when I had refused to eat green beans. The Finn who always got me coffee when I was out, even when it was pouring rain. The Finn I had completely forgotten about when I thought he didn't care.

The Finn who had been there all along.

"Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.

You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit."

Now I'm weeping just as much as the rest of my family, and my skin goes cold again, I realize it does that when I am extremely sad, a defense mechanism. I'm gasping for air, I cry into Lydia, and we cling to each other, sobbing. My hands are trembling, I'm careful not to drop Lydia.

"You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

(hide and seek)

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit."

_~_~_

The funeral is over, I give Lydia to Mom, they cry together for a moment. I start to head in the opposite direction.

"Joel," Mom says, her nose is stuffed. "Wh-Where are you going?"

I sighed, flicking some sweaty hair way from my eyes. "Some... loose ends to tie up."

I run through the church doors, held open by round woman with white hair. I murmur a "Thanks" and run to my LC. I am overjoyed that they came.

"Joel!" Madison says, and we grab each other into a hug. It seems like a century since we've talked. Finn put an odd space between us.

I hug them all, "You have no idea how happy I am to see you guys."

"We're, uh, doing to get some gelato and espresso," Victoria said, hooking my arm with hers. "Lt's go burn away your sorrows with coffee, shall we?"

I laughed, loving her for always making me chuckle in the darkest of moments; and my mouth waters at the promise of coffee, but I shake my head.

"Come on," Jolly pleaded, "We're buying."

Logan did a double take, "We are?"

Madison elbowed her sharply.

"Maybe later." I said, "I have to be with my family right now. But I'll take you up on that free espresso deal this weekend, okay?"

Vic nodded sadly, "Happy last day of school, Joel."

I broke down, knees shaking. "What I'm about to do will ruin the summer," I sobbed.

"What the hell are you ta--"

I ignored her, running to Scott, he was leaning against his car, in a ruffled dress shirt and dark blue tie, his tux jacket thrown over his shoulder.

"Joel, I--"

I crashed our lips together hungrily, drinking him like a slushee on the brink of melting. He tried to pull away, but I only let him for a brief moment.

I held his face to mine, "Please, just let me have this," I whispered into him.

Scott glared at me before relenting, pulling me back into the kiss. Our tongues danced, he held me together in the way that made me feel like half a puzzle, him the other pieces. Our frames were perfect together, and I hated myself for breaking it, but I had to. I couldn't hurt him anymore.

"I love you," I wept, pulling away.

His face was still the relaxed, eyes closed, mouth agape, kiss expression, but he snapped out of the euphoria I gave him as soon as I pulled away.

"I love you, too." Scott breathed against me, making me shiver. It rolled off his tongue effortlessly, yet I could still tell me he meant it with a passion.

"I love you," I repeated, "And I like Adonis."

He looked like I smacked him across the face, "Excuse me?"

I sobbed, taking a step back. "Adonis and I... slept together at Zola's party."

All the color in his gorgeous face drained, his jaw went slack. His body slumped, like I had clawed through his chest and ripped his heart out. The fire behind his eyes that I gave him when we kissed was extinguished.

"I can't do this!" I shouted at the ground, raking my fingers through my hair and weeping. "I can't do this to you anymore!"

"Wait," Scott said, raising his hand, "Wait, Joel, let's talk about this."

"No!" I spat, wiping my eyes. "There can't be any discussion!" I clenched my teeth together, "I cheated on you, you moron! I was unfaithful! I'm a cheating lowlife who doesn't deserve happiness." I punched my own chest, "I did that! Me!"

"Joel..." Scott said, it came out like a squeak.

I looked away, shying form his perfection. Even heartbroken he was beautiful, he was my Scott, and I cheated on him with someone who could never get on his level.

"I'm sorry, I'm so f*****g sorry." I whispered, with a shuttering weep. "I love you, Scott, I love you so much it feels like I'm shitting a pine cone!"

"I love you too, Joel," Scott breathed, tears streaming out of his eyes. "Please, let's talk about this, we can work something out!"

I shook my head and ran, wiping my eyes again.

"Joel, wait, please!!"

I ran, putting my mind only in my feet to make sure I didn't fall.

"Joel, I love you!!"

"I love you, too." I whispered, under my breath.

I ran, and I never looked back.