Just For You

Ten

Josh POV

I checked my email and realised that my deadline to send an application was near. Somehow, I never got a chance to speak about it with Allie. Also, I have realised something, I don’t feel like she is interested to open up to me about her family or past life, specially when I want to talk about college experience. I do know after talking with Yasmine that she had a bad break up but nothing else. She told me to ask Allie as it was her story. The only few things that I know about her are either from Yasmine or asking her when I first visited her apartment. She has a cute family picture of her family when she was two. She told me about her parents and brother but nothing more. The more I think about it, the more insecure I feel about our relationship.

Right now, she is in shower and I think it’s time to talk. I know she wants to divert this topic as we barely speak about our lives, especially her when we aren’t busy. I hear a click and see Allie in her bathrobe. I am so excited to kiss and love her but first we need to talk. Also, Yasmine told me that she tends to have panic attacks when she feels cornered so I want to proceed with caution. Hence I decide to talk to her slowly and steadily. Being scared of me and closing up is the last thing I want her to do.

“Allie, I need to discuss something with you.”

I can see her tense up as her shoulders are on alert, “Ya, say”.

“I have decided to work in this city instead of Manila. I think it will bring us closer and we can...maybe” I cough as I say further, ” share an apartment? No pressure, just that I spend so much time here, and we are comfortable with each other. Anyway, it’s not about apartment stuff, I just want you to know that I want to work in this city and know you more.”

Silence, that’s all I can hear. She is very calm and I don’t like that. I know she has so many emotions but her silence scares me. I shouldn’t have said anything about the apartment, but it is true. For the past two months, I have spent more time with her than my college buddies. We both are comfortable sharing this place. I start moving towards her and then hug her.

“Allie, beautiful, please say something. It’s alright, we can discuss and talk about it. You don’t have to say yes. I am perfectly okay if you don’t want to.”

“Josh, this is difficult but understand me. I like you but I never thought that this would get any serious. I don’t think I can have a serious relationship. I like you, a lot but I don’t know...”

If anything, I didn’t expect this reaction. I didn’t think she meant nothing to me. I was always confident that we were on the same page. I thought she might say that moving-in will be a huge step and she wasn’t ready, but this. She wants a casual relationship?

“So, you don’t want to do anything with me because Allie I really love you. I’m sorry if that freaks you out but I really do love you. I am ready to wait as long as you want so that you are comfortable but baby please, don’t say nothing was ever going to happen between us.”

I see tears in her eyes as she starts breathing heavily. I immediately make her sit on bed and bring back a glass of water. I slowly rub circles around her back in a soothing way as she tries to calm herself. I kiss her head and whisper soft soothing words. It works as she relaxes and looks at me with pleading eyes. I know it’s her decision but seeing her so vulnerable I wish I can stay with her forever and love her.

I lay her on the bed and cuddle her as she let her tears fall down. It’s difficult but we need to talk. “Baby, how are you feeling?”

“You said you love me but you don’t know anything about me. I am emotionally unavailable and I can hurt you.”

“I know but still I love you. I wish I could soothe you. And yes, I don’t know much about you but I do know enough to make my decision.”

“No Josh, you are too ignorant of the truth. There is a reason I am so distant and I don’t want to tell you more about my family. I wish it never happened but it did and the only way I can ever overcome it is by closing my emotions. It’s easy to say that I must move one but difficult to act like nothing has ever happened. You are really good and if I had met you five years ago, I would have been with you without a doubt. Now, it’s different.”

“How about you tell me things that you believe will change my decision to stay with you? If it does change, you won’t have to worry and if it doesn’t, promise me that you will try.”

“Okay. I will tell you a few things, not all as I am very emotional about it but no matter how much I cry or I am sad, you will not interrupt or stop me. Promise me, that after I end up revealing it, you will be honest about your feelings. Don’t lie to make me feel good. Just say the truth, I am stronger than I look like. I have seen many things and I can assure you your rejection won’t break me. Promise me?”

“I promise! I had, have and will never lie to you about my feelings. But you will stop if you are on the verge of a panic attack. I want to know but not at the cost of your health.”

“Okay, I will keep that in mind.”