He was never mine

Chapter - 3

Berry

Life. What is life? Every time I see the sky, I wondered. It keeps moving on and still we don't know what is the actual motive behind our lives? The destiny, what it held for us? Or what we are doing with our lives. Some people easily figure out, in no time. And some people, like myself didn't know, or I might never know, ever. What if it's too late before I know how beautiful it is. There are only few people who I love. I don't know how many are there who loves me. Maybe zero. At surface level they might feel it, but very rarely there will be someone, who would be ready to embark on a journey with someone like me, even knowing how bumpy the roads are going to be.

They said I run away from difficult situations. They weren't wrong. I did run, a lot. Maybe to spare myself from facing intricacies. And that was the major reason behind my lack of attachment. But as someone said, we cannot always run from all the problems. And once we confront our fears, it opens a portal to a different side of us which we never really knew before. Also, we become the master of it, cause we already overcame it.

At that moment I only knew what I was doing, it felt too right to feel everything and too wrong to overthink about all the weightage of the life.

Our shoes were strewn in disarray. It was kicked out way back when we stumbled through the door, while busting inside the room, kissing each other without having intention to stop. Only kissing noises could be heard in the hushed apartment.

Our shoes were strewn in disarray and the legs were hanging off the bed, fully clothed. Gazing at the galaxy of stars, painted with radium on the ceiling, while the room was dimly lit. "I must say, Barry is quite an artist. I love this thing," I said to Adam while my eyes were still glued to the ceiling and my mind was in a trance

"Yeah, I know. No wonder he's an artist," the man laid beside me spoke

"So are you."

"You too."

I always used to get lost in the trance when I write or observed things. I was more of an observer, than a participant. My father once said that with the propensity of strong contemplation, I might miss out the major clues in life. At that time I took it as a grain of salt. But sooner realized, he was right. I never knew him, until I actually got to know him. It marred my beliefs.

"I like to be called an artist. It makes me look deeper, and people are usually listless to dig deeper," I traced my index finger into the curves of my silver bracelet.

Adam warily turned his head towards me, "you really fortify your walls well."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean. That there's still the real you present inside, but you are repressing it from getting out."

"No. You are wrong. This is who I am," I got defensive

Defensive. Maybe that's what he meant. I always defended myself. But from whom? No one, but myself. He was right, I was actually fortifying the walls I have built, otherwise I wouldn't always react when someone wanted to ever touch the walls. I was the guard. I was the protector. It took so long to build those walls. I subjugated all the frail traits of mine with the time, not just to get rammed by anyone, especially not a man; particularly not the one who was making me question about it, with his enigmatic dark eyes, which held so many obscure, unspoken emotions.

No. Not him. He is a heartbreaker.

The heartbreaker pushed his body up in a half sitting position with the support of his elbows, "I know a person like you, so it's easy to figure out." He looked at me solemnly into my eyes, piercing into my soul.

I watched him in askance. "Who?"

There was a silence for a fleeting moment, before he spoke

"My brother is just like you."

"You have a brother?"

"Yes."

"And he isn't like you," I faux a staggering tone in my voice

"Yeah.. no, I mean he's different."

"Sounds like I would be more apt for him than you."

He averted his eyes back to the ceiling and laid his back again on the soft bed. What was it for? He didn't say anything. I didn't pry.

There was a silence between us. It wasn't an awkward silence, but a pause or a break from all the repetitive noises of chattering and clamoring. It felt surreal for some unknown reasons. The ordeal of being someone, which we are not most of the time was grueling. But that moment with Adam in silence was like a drop of water in the dearth of sanity. That silence wasn't bad at all, suffice to dawn the thoughts.

I kept on fixating my fingers on the curves of my bracelet. Wedging me from my thoughts, Adam ejaculated, "this is pretty."

"Huh?"

"The bracelet. It seems to be more interesting than me," he simpered

I remembered someone asking me the same question, but who? Anyhow, that wasn't the main concern after the mention of the keepsake.

"Ohh.. yeah, it was my mother's."

There was a short pause

"I am guessing, she is-" I cut him off

"Yeah, dead. And I know your next sentence. Don't be sorry. If anything had to be, then it's the disease."

"How did she die?" Adam bit his lower lip as he waited for my lips to move, to tell the unfortunate tale.

"She was a bipolar."

"Uh, oh." He slid his hand on mine to placate, but ended up clutching it firmer than I imagined

He could be so charming and yet so caring. I wasn't a person who is normal, I was far from being normal. Normal people liked intimacy, but I on the other hand, run away from even having a simple conversation. The meager amount of emotional intimacy, left me baffled most of the time. I wasn't an expert at saying the right thing to people according to the situation.

Some of the time, even a straightforward greet was painful for me to make or even a fictitious smile to exhibit. But with Adam, everything seemed so natural, like I knew him always.

I never felt the urge to crumble upon, 'until someone fix me' kind of weak, which I hated it, yet wanted to be broken to see how he put the pieces in its right place. I wasn't feeling exactly weak, but my heart felt it. It wanted to be beaten until it's malleable. But only by this man beside me.

Maybe it was in his nature to make people comfortable around him. His knack for communication or even flirting tend to make a stone pliable. He was natural at the game, that's how I deduced the whole instant connection between us.

We remained like that for some time. I let him hold my hand and play with my bracelet, mindlessly. "What about your parents?" I tried to eschew to bring up the subject, but ended up asking him.

"They died, when I was 11." He replied devoid of emotion.

"How?"

"Road accident."

"It must be hard for you and your brother."

"Yeah, it was. But now everything is okay. We are okay. Yeah, it was okay." It seemed he was iterating to himself more than to me.

I knew at that moment that he didn't accept the mishap. He was still processing it and tried to avoid the question hanging around his head. It might be dreadful to hear, but it's still true; death is inevitable. But, by the passing time we have to accept it, as we accept life and however it shaped it.

I and my mother were close. Very close. My father said so, cause I don't remember a thing about her. My childhood memories were very blurry, yet very unnerving. I, sometimes felt fortunate enough to not remember much about it, it could have pulverized me; but also I cursed at my faint memories about my mother. I had nothing to ponder upon or reminisce the teeny amount of moments and feel nostalgic about them.

We humans thrive on memories, be it good or bad. Bad memories deter us from moving ahead, whilst the good ones are the lights even in the darkest cavern.

In the attempt to change the topic I said something, which I still don't know why I said that. "I wear this bracelet to feel my mother, to feel closer to her. But I only could feel the cold metal, wrapped around my wrist. There isn't the warmth, that a mother carried on their body. I have no memories of her, you know. I try, but could feel nothing. It only hurts my brain."

No. I did not say that. It wasn't me. It wasn't something I usually did. I always turned the pages of this chapter as quickly as I could, whenever it came up. I read the chapter out loud, in front of him. Why?

I wasn't asking for, Adam's pity party, and surprisingly, he didn't, instead he scooted over a bit and whispered something, I didn't quite get it. I tried to ask, but before that he got up from his lying position and pulled me towards him.

"You can feel many things, yet sometimes you left with nothing, as well. It's okay to feel like that, I do always," he pulled my face with his cold, big hands so that our foreheads were touching.

"What do you mean, I didn't get it?" I asked him still keeping my eyes close

"It's just. That feelings are temporary. People either go somewhere we cannot reach, or. Well or don't acknowledge the feelings."

I opened my eyes and pulled my head little back to peruse his expression painstakingly. His eyes were fastened. I rewound the words that disgorge from his mouth. He must've been in a bad relationship, either that, or a past that trembled him till date.

I was no psychologist, but was sure an observer. I might be wrong, but people always hide behind a hunky Dory mask. I, for once at that moment concurred that, we don't have to bleed to be in a battle. Battles are disguised in struggles, and the endurance is the blood. We keep fighting until we run out of endurance and die.

It wasn't my place to say anything or pry and I sucked at consoling. So, I decided to pull the physical intimacy card to vanish the looming tension.

I pecked on his lips repeatedly, until my face was between his hands to halt my action. He pressed his lips on mine hard, making heat seeped through by our moving lips, till it reached the whole body.

I was so involved letting him usher me to an unknown realm, where the closed eyes and opened mouth could release all the demons from the hell, that I didn't realize I was soon laid on my back and his legs were straddling my body.

Adam was kissing me hard and fast like there was no tomorrow. Soon his lips found my neck, sucking and nibbling on my skin. My neck and throat was dampened with his wet kisses and sucking, and not to mentioned the marks of passion were clearly visible on my dabbled skin, which also was soothing and complementing the fiery glow like marinating a meat before smoking it.

With every friction I felt his passion was growing each time. It was getting fed by every touch, squirm, lip lock, or the noises I was making. He was barely able to resist any interim between the sessions. At that time clothes were hindering and all we needed was more skin to skin affection.

The sturdy looking feeble bed was rocking and making strident noises mixed with my faint moaning and our gyrating bodies, levitating the mood at the pinnacle of ecstasy.

I removed his shirt at one go to get rid of the snag on the road. A good riddance. I couldn't help but let my eyes rest unabashedly on his fine body after he lost his shirt.

He took my hands and placed it on his body, which automatically glided down and threaded into the dangerous territory. I trailed my finger pads on his every compact muscle. The real sculpture clutched my hands to intertwine our fingers.

Adam, as I said being very smooth and charming pinned my hands over my head on the bed and latched his lips again on mine. I writhed under his body pressure on the top of me.

We delved into the depth of each other's hasty need to have as much as physical contact our bodies urged. Until.

Until, the sound of struggling to find the right key from a bunch of keys could be heard. Jingling with one another and finally the keyhole found the match. The front door knob got turned to open.

"Hey, Love are you home?" A snotty voice of a girl echoed through the dead silence apartment.

The lucid sound of high heels clicking on the floor could be easily followed that the sound was approaching towards the threshold of the bedroom. I pushed Adam unceremoniously and raised my eyebrows in question.

The bedroom door swung open to reveal a girl. A blond girl stood there with her big blue shocking eyes, staring at us back and forth, like her mind was still collecting the images of us in the same bed. Slowly, her mouth and brows started frowning, when her mind finally done collection the images. Her unannounced presence came like a bolt from the blue.

Adam tried to adjust the upper region of his jeans, while I was clueless about the girl who just barged in and very blatantly watching us like she caught two teengers practicising of vice.

My mind always wandered in a situation like this. It even wandered to some dark shady places. Was that the time she would offer to partake? I had to stopped my mind with a thwack. Why would i think that?

"Jess, what are you doing here? How did you get the key," Adam asked dismissively

"Love, are you cheating on me?" the blondie replied with a shock

"Remind me, when we were in a relationship to cheat on you? We just fooled around sometimes," Adam retorted

"Well, at least it wasn't a few times. It was more like a frequent bonking. I am your go-to girl, daddy."

I face palmed. It was like watching a live action cringey soap opera. What did I get into. Of course he's a player, nothing was new.

"How did you get the key?" Adam stood up from the bed faced her crossing his arms against the chest.

"Umm, well, I made a copy of it a while ago. You were so obsessed with me so I figured sooner or later you're going to ask me to move in with you," the girl sheepishly smiled at him

"Whoa, now who is obsessed with whom?"

"Whatever works for you, Love."

The Jess girl got into Adam's last nerve, anyone could have said that. He was all flustered and restless to chuck her out of the apartment. "Would you please drag your petty ass out of the apartment now, as you can see we were in the middle of something."

"Huh, I could vividly see that," the pretty blonde girl averted her eyes from him to me. Her eyes slid down to check me from top to bottom. The expressions she was showering me with, like I was some unexpected dust in her lavish mansion. "Love, if you were planning to cheat on me, at least you could have maintained the standard, instead of lowering it."

The loony who was straight out of the bin suddenly started to act like a jilted lover

"Oh, honey, the higher you reach the colder it gets, so it's better to stay lower and have enough oxygen to breathe and to have a normal blood oxygen level so our precious lungs could be saved and let's not forget our heart." I jibber-jabbered scanning her slender form.

she gave me a look with a confusing wriggle on her nose.

Adam took an opportunity and beckoned Jess towards the door.

"Give me a call when you are done with-" she looked behind her to give me a final glare, "her."

He shut the door behind her.

"I should probably get going," I got up from the bed to wear my missing shoes and clutched my purse.

"You could stay, you know," Adam desperately blurted the words

"No, that's okay. It's better this way." I tried to avoid looking into his eyes

"Okay, then maybe see you soon?" he waited for my answer by squinting his dreamy dark eyes

"Uh, I don't think that would be a good idea." Or it was.

Time always has a better answer for everything.