He was never mine

Chapter - 7

2 years later

Berry

The warmth which was generated from the cloth I was wearing couldn't even be matched with the nature's blissful ultimate source of energy.

I wrapped my arms around my knees so tight to curl into a ball in the bed, that no wisp of air could pass in the cold snow filled night. The tightening of my hands in my cocoon form was almost smothering, but I didn't mind.

I didn't want to lose my grip from the sweatshirt until my skin traced it permanently; until my nose consumed the remnants of the scent before it gets washed; until my eyes witnessed it being frayed and threadbare; until my ears stopped listening to the reprimands; until my mouth stopped tasting my own tears.

Or maybe, until I finally realized that he was never mine.

Although the sweatshirt was oversized and the sleeves were hanging passed my hands, it was still like the only piece of clothing I ever owned.

I wasn't well. I felt cold and empty inside. The person who made me believe that there's always layers in every hard surface was himself encased in the stout stubborn layers of rampart against my surging feelings for all these times.

I knew I wasn't stable, but when did I ever say I will give up on him, on us, on someone who tapered the thick beliefs of mine.

People fall in love fast, and the heart drops into the concrete reality harder.

I needed the sun, since he decided to stay cold. I needed the sun rays to fall upon me and stay until I am agile again, since he was not ready to fall.

He was gone, and left me with so many questions after his ambiguous dissipation. What else he left behind was me and my attachment.

I knew I was never going to fall in love, yet when I saw him holding hands, which weren't mine was the first step I faltered. And then before any turn, I lost my way. I listened to him talking about being in love with someone which wasn't me, rolling the name from his tongue, which wasn't mine. I started to get panicked when I tried to find myself in every part of him. But guess what I was missing? Myself.

He intrigued me each and every day with his surprising traits and made me realized that he was one of the few things I couldn't have. Why was I ready to jeopardise what little I had after a long time? Why was I ready to settle with anything just to be around him? The happenings made me feel somehow that he could be anyone's but mine.

The chilly forlorn night wasn't going to end that soon, so the only hope I was wearing gave me the sense of sun-kissed sensation wrapped around me and long window of hope without the drapes staring at me with open arms.

Ssshhhh, not now. Now it isn't the time. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Anything would never be enough for anyone, anyways.

I kept on tossing and turning on the bed and eschew my finger to tap on the caller ID, which I knew wouldn't be received from the other hand. I finally resigned my fingers from hovering around the phone and let it rest on the nightstand.

I squeezed my eyes tight to close and opened and shut and release, repeated the drill for some time and my eyelids finally began to felt heavy enough to stop seeing the yelling yellow and my mind screaming his name.

***

Hey, it's me Adam, if you're hearing this message probably because I am shutting myself or you off. Leave me a message after the beep. *Beep*

Again. Why I wanted to know? Why? I wanted to know something that I already knew. I knew he was not going to respond and I knew I was going to waste my breath. But I was ready to be breathless even if the words out of his mouth would flagellate my hopes by the harsh truth, until my skin battered.

"I know this message is probably going to meet my other unattended messages, but I don't care about the stack of my rants. I don't care how hopeless, I have been since almost two years. I don't care how stupid I looked and sound in front of everyone, who cares about me enough to advise me to move on with my life. I will still be curious to know what had happened? To you.. to me.. to us.."

"I will never quit my quest, until I found the reason for your dejection and most importantly, I won't let you make me feel that those feelings I had for you were just an illusion. Or worse... that the emotions I received from you were... Nothing."

The pain was sharp like how a needle pierces through our skin when we try hard to sew a torn piece of cloth. I tried to put the pinched finger in my mouth to stop the bleeding.

"I saw many things from your eyes Adam and learned to see the beauty from my eyes, but you closed yours when I wanted to see where I stand in your eyes." I squeezed my eyes shut to let a single warm drop of water cascade through my dry cheeks. "You always said that sometimes being easy is tough and one day I will learn to be easy without any complications."

"Why when I finally learned to be easy you hide behind the curtains? Why?" I needed the answer immediately before I turned into a perfect portrait made by someone, who wanted to look at me like they want. Although I wasn't perfect and never ever will be.

I held myself for a moment before asking him the ultimate question, "did you ever love me, or at least like me?" I waited as if he was going to answer.

"Huh, don't know why even I, am asking, I know you're not gonna answer that, would you?"

*Silence*

"You know what you are a hypocrite, you know why? Cause you had no right to push me so far when you couldn't even take a single step. You are a coward, Adam.. You are a c-coward," I spluttered my last word.

"You asked me to be truthful to myself, when you couldn't stop lying about yourself. I don't blame you. I blame myself to fall into the pit of your perfect lies."

I sighed and tap the red button on the phone and tossed it over the bed.

"Not anymore," I told that to myself in a weak voice.

I felt empty inside, but if I was empty how I was feeling all the emotions and if I was full how I was still yearning for more. Was I addicted of being in the darkness or I just wanted to stay in there, as it's always easier to hide the scars in the dark, than displaying it and attract all the unnecessary attention. Some things are better unattended.

At that moment I exactly knew which route my feet wanted to trail. Home.

***

Everything was moving in front of my eyes: the idyllic snow covered the dormant trees, kids sculpting snowman, the small houses dwindled as it was engulfed by the cold heavenly ice crystals on the roof and the front porch. Everything reminds me of how to walk happily even on the uneven sloppy ground where stability is the last thing in mind.

A smile crept on my lips when I saw some kids dragging trash can lids as like it was a royal sleigh.

Although my eyes were reliving the life I used to have, but my ears were half focused on the song which was playing on my phone in repeat mode and my lips moving with the lyrics.

I am not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

The music was undulating with the view outside the window. My eyes were passing all the swinging and wavering pictures with no still. It was just passing, like the memories passing before my eyes.

Side by side to my seat on the other aligned row there was a family happily chanting a Christmas Carol to their kid. A tiny squeaky voice was trying to chase the verses, following her master's rhythm.

The couple looked euphoric. Embracing the festive season with a curious giddy kid on their lap. Although my ears were occupied by the repetitive music, but the haunting silence of being alone was laced by the cheerful voices.

One another sound was offering to pitch in from a little distance. It was coming from the back. A faint droning turned into a guttural dissonance in no time. I swiveled my head to see an old man leaned back in his seat, blowing bubbles from his nose. His snoring shaped into a raucous growl by every passing second.

I was sitting on a bulky cushion, thick with grime. The glass I was facing that let me dive into the pyramid of snow hugged with dust, but didn't meddle between me and the moving scenery, or the sounds rolling into my ears.

My tongue was frozen when certain memories stumbled upon knocking at the door of my head. I couldn't help but let it in, because I wanted to feel the rush of my blood. I wanted it to lead me somewhere where I restricted myself to go, which tend to make me feel smaller and unsafe. I needed a hard smack so that I could finally realize where I was lagging behind.

...and the reason is you

Everything around me looked simple and easy yet my mind wasn't. My mind was splattering chaos over my ears as the beautiful verses of Carol replaced by a cacophony of discourteous argument and the bubble inflated until a diabolical, inhumanly sound overbear the music that was adhered to my ears, but wasn't in full volume.

The music stopped and my eyes drifted to the couple, who mildly disagreed with each other over something, but soon the husband sealed the incessant fluttering of his wife's lips with a peck. I looked away. And on the other hand the monstrous growling dwindled into a subtle snoring from a far distance.

My phone was vibrating on my lap freezing everything and my limbs for a few seconds not getting the cue what it was supposed to do.

The buzz wasn't stopping, constantly irking my nerves, causing me to writhe above the seat in irritation. I knew the gist of the name popping out on my phone's screen. I wasn't in the mood to hear a conciliatory voice trying to pep talk me for a very apparent reason.

It stopped and after a respite again the nagging started. The clenched body of mine suddenly released and the unbridled fiery emotions wanted to leap out.

I tapped on the green button and let out a sigh. "Yeah, tell."

I wanted my best friend to roll her tongue like a Derma roller on my skin, compressing and biting aggressively. So, that I could wear off the skin which was itching for so long.

Bear, where are you? Are you okay? You know we got worried about you. Are you on a public transportation? I can hear someone snoring.

Laura submerged me with questions.

"I am fine, Laura. And yes, I am on a train to the village." I was guessing her next chain of questions.

Did you sleep in your apartment, last night?

"Uh, huh," I tried to sound nonchalant.

I could hear Laura freeing frustrated air from her mouth.

Why? Why would you do that to the guy who loves you so much? You know how much he freaked out by your sudden disappearance. He asked you something, didn't he? Is that the reason you are on the train now?

She had no idea how pesky she sounded. I groaned at her concerned voice. The hyperbolic tone of my friend was inflated the space between my mouth and the air. I held back myself from uttering something which may end up hurting us both. I didn't want to act like a compulsive addict who needed a help to sober up. However, I always thought that people only get addicted to drugs, but I realized sooner that a person could get addicted to another person, too.

Too much of anything can wreck every little thing you ever earned. I can't risk what I have. Why would have I? Why?

"I am tired, can we talk once I reach?"

Then stop running.

"What?" I couldn't figure why she would say that.

Aren't you running? If you're not, then why you freaked out when Brian asked you to move in with him?

*Silence*

Tell me, Laura demanded

"I am not running, why would you say that?"

Of course you are running, just like Adam did.

Was I running? Am I like Adam? Were we alike? Of course not

You're running, Berry, you are. Stop brooding, he wasn't for you. Please come back and we will have a talk, okay?

I shut my eyes to peruse at the words by Laura. Was Adam like me all these times and I couldn't see it until then? Was I too tough all these times? That was how it felt to be outside a closed door, pounding and waiting for it to be opened.

"Aren't you the one who supported the idea?" I questioned

After a pause Laura again, let go the air inside her mouth. Look, I know I pushed you to pursue him, but. Again she lulled her words. But I never knew that I have only known him at surface level. If I had known, I would have never introduce him to you, believe me. Please meet me after you get back, okay? Will you?

I didn't reply anything. I wanted to end the call, but what was Laura's fault to be not being answered by someone, who she cares about. I wasn't like him. I wasn't like, Adam. Or was I? Like Laura said before, just like Adam did.

"Okay, bye Laura," that's all I could persuade my tongue to reply.

I didn't remember when I got rid of the call, probably Laura was still breathlessly tongue-lashing as my whole focus was on me following someone else's footsteps.

Ugh, I mentally groaned. My life has been already worse, he aggravated. My life was like a movie now, a sickly movie to be precise. I just wanted to skip the dramatic climax and jump into the conclusion.

But alas, life doesn't work like that. We have to face all the tiny chaos before the final storm.