In His World

Chapter 8

Adrian POV

I couldn't move and I didn't know how long I'd been standing there holding Sophia's diary but my legs gave out and I sat down on the floor right where I was standing.

Pregnant.

She'd been pregnant with twins and she never told me and three days before her death I filed for divorce which made her jump off our balcony and took them with her.

The room was spinning or maybe I was spinning and I couldn't catch my breath, couldn't think past those words written in her handwriting. "I'm pregnant. Twins. His twins."

Elena sat down next to me on the floor and she didn't say anything, didn't try to touch me or comfort me, just sat there with her back against the wall while I tried to process what I'd just read.

"Did you know?" Her voice was quiet. "Did you know she was pregnant?"

I shook my head because I couldn't speak yet, couldn't get words past the thing lodged in my throat.

"She never told you?"

"No." The word came out rough and broken. "She never said anything, never gave any sign, I had no idea."

"But you filed for divorce?"she asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

I closed my eyes and saw Sophia's face the day I told her, saw the way all the color had drained from her skin and how she'd just stood there like I'd shot her. "Because the two years were almost up and my father wasn't dying yet so there was no reason to stay married, the contract was ending anyway and I thought we'd just sign the papers and move on."

"And she didn't want that?" Elena asked.

"She begged me not to." I opened my eyes and stared at the opposite wall where one of Sophia's photos hung, her smiling at the camera like she didn't have a care in the world. "She said she loved me and wanted to stay married and make it real but I told her that wasn't what we agreed to, that she knew from the beginning this was temporary."

"What did she say?"

"She said she didn't care what we agreed to because feelings change and people change and she'd changed and couldn't I see that?" I ran my hand through my hair. "I told her I hadn't changed and I wasn't going to and she needed to accept that."

"And three days later she jumped." Elena asked me.

"Yes." I replied to her.

Elena was quiet for a long moment and I could feel her looking at me but I couldn't look back, couldn't meet her eyes. "You thought she jumped because of the divorce."

"Of course I thought that, what else would I think?" My voice was getting louder. "She begged me not to leave her and I said no and three days later she was dead so obviously it was about the divorce."

"But it wasn't just about the divorce." Elena pointed out.

"No." I looked down at the diary still in my hands. "She was pregnant and she didn't tell me and I don't know if she was planning to tell me or if she was keeping it a secret or if she was waiting for the right moment but I filed for divorce before she got the chance."

"Maybe she was going to tell you that night." Elena said.

"What night?" I asked her.

"The night she died, maybe she was going to tell you she was pregnant and ask you to reconsider." Elena shifted beside me. "That's what the diary entry sounds like, doesn't it? Like she was building up courage to tell you."

I read the entry again and she was right, it did sound like that. "If this doesn't make him love me, nothing will."

"She thought a baby would change your mind." Elena said.

"Two babies." I corrected her.

"Twins."

The word hung in the air between us and I couldn't breathe again because twins meant two lives lost, two children who never got to exist because their mother was in so much pain she couldn't see another way out.

"I would have stayed." The words came out before I could stop them. "If she'd told me she was pregnant I would have stayed, would have torn up the divorce papers and figured out how to make it work."

"Would you have loved her?" Elena asked.

"No, but I would have been there for the babies, would have been a father to them, would have—" I stopped because what was the point of saying what I would have done when none of it mattered now.

"She didn't give you the chance." Elena said.

"No." I replied her

"Why not?"

"I don't know." I set the diary down on the floor next to me. "Maybe she was scared I'd tell her to get rid of them, maybe she thought I'd be angry, maybe she just wanted to see if I'd choose her without knowing about the pregnancy first."

"Or maybe she was going to tell you and then you filed for divorce and she realized it was pointless because even babies wouldn't make you love her."

That hit harder than I expected and I finally looked at Elena. "You think this is my fault."

"I think it's complicated." She pulled her knees up to her chest. "You didn't know she was pregnant so you can't be blamed for that but you also pushed her away when she tried to tell you she was struggling and you filed for divorce when you knew she didn't want it."

"She signed a contract." I tried to make her see this the way it is.

"People aren't contracts, Adrian, you can't just treat them like business deals that end when the terms are up."

"That's exactly what our marriage was." I said to her.

"To you maybe but not to her." Elena's voice got softer. "She fell in love with you and you knew it and you still filed for divorce anyway."

"Because staying would have been worse, would have given her false hope that I'd eventually feel the same way and I never would have." I leaned my head back against the wall. "Leaving was the kindest thing I could do."

"Except she was pregnant."

"Except she was pregnant and I didn't know and now she's dead and so are they."

The silence stretched between us again and I could hear the city outside, cars and sirens and life continuing like nothing had changed even though everything had changed because I'd just found out I'd lost two children I never knew existed.

Elena shifted beside me and then I felt her hand cover mine where it was resting on the floor between us.

I looked down at our hands and thought about pulling away because I didn't do this, didn't do comfort or connection or whatever this was supposed to be, but I didn't move. Just let her hand stay there on top of mine.

"I'm not her," Elena said quietly.

"I know."

"Do you?" She squeezed my hand slightly. "Because you picked me because I look like her and you're keeping her room like a shrine and you just found out she was pregnant when she died which is going to make it even harder for you to move on."

"I don't need to move on."

"Yes you do because if you don't then you're going to destroy me the same way you destroyed her and I'm not strong enough to handle that." Her voice cracked. "I've already lost my parents and I'm drowning in debt and I signed my life away to you for money and I can't lose myself too."

"You won't." I promised.

"How do you know?" She asked me.

"Because you're different from Sophia, you're not going to fall in love with me." I turned my hand over so our palms were touching. "You're smarter than that."

"Am I?" Elena looked at me and her eyes were wet. "Because right now I'm sitting on the floor of your dead wife's room holding your hand while you process the fact that she was pregnant and I'm feeling things I shouldn't be feeling."

"What kind of things?"

"Protective things, like I want to make sure you're okay even though you're the one who holds all the power in this relationship." She wiped her eyes with her free hand. "And sympathy things, like I understand why you can't love people because you've been taught your whole life that emotions are weakness."

"They are weakness."

"No they're not, they're what make us human." She squeezed my hand again. "Your father was wrong about that."

I didn't respond because I didn't know if my father was wrong or right and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to analyze my entire life philosophy while sitting in Sophia's room holding Elena's hand.

We sat there for a long time, maybe an hour, just holding hands in silence while the light outside changed and the city kept moving and Sophia's things surrounded us like ghosts.

Finally Elena spoke. "I can't sleep in my room tonight."

"Why not?"

"The balcony." Her voice was small. "I keep seeing her fall, keep imagining what it must have been like in those last seconds before she hit the ground, and I can't be in a room that looks out at the place where it happened."

I understood that more than I wanted to admit because I'd had the same problem for months after she died, I couldn't look at that balcony without seeing her climbing over the railing. "Where do you want to sleep?"

"I don't know, anywhere else, maybe the couch or one of the guest rooms or—"

"Stay in my room." The words came out before I'd thought them through. "I'll take the couch."

Elena looked at me with surprise. "You don't have to do that."

"I know but I'm offering anyway." I stood up and pulled her up with me because we were still holding hands. "You need sleep and you won't get it if you're thinking about the balcony all night." I pointed out.

"What about you?" She asked me.

"I don't sleep much anyway." I replied to her.

"Because of Sophia?" She inquired.

"Because of a lot of things." I let go of her hand and immediately felt the absence of warmth. "Come on, I'll show you where everything is.”