Of Kings and Aces

Becoming Confused

“Justin, baby, cut that out. That shouldn’t be in your mouth!” I gently pried the fruity-smelling eraser from his mouth, to which he pouted. We struggled against each other until I finally pulled it out of his hand. This time, he began to cry and wailed louder when I tried explaining why I had to take it from him.

Babies are a lot of work. This time, I was glad I didn’t own one. I don’t know how I’d manage a child twenty-four, seven. I picked him up and repeatedly apologized, rubbing his little back as he sniffled. We had thirty minutes to spare before Justin’s dinner time, so I decided to take him to the playground to take his mind off his writing supplies.

“Elena, we’ll be at the roof deck if you need anything. We’ll be back by dinner,” I called before rushing out. However, I crashed into someone right outside my door, sending me tripping back inside. My balance wasn’t good with Justin in one of my arms, and I almost fell.

“s**t!” I cursed as I hugged Justin tighter, protecting his back and his head for any possible impact. But before I completely fell over, strong hands gripped my arms and pulled me up, keeping me from tumbling.

“Are you all right?” he asked guiltily. I didn’t have to wonder. I knew who it was. His eyes, though cold, showed a hint of concern.

“Yeah,” I shrugged him off. I was still pissed, and him showing up uninvited did not do anything to improve the situation.

“You alright there, little guy?” I pulled Justin away enough to see his teary eyes now smiling.

“Again!” he squealed. My anxiety was for naught. When Jacob chuckled, he quickly spun his head and frowned. He’s starting to have stranger anxiety at this point.

“Yeah, that’s right. Frown at the bad guy,” I snickered as I adjusted my hold on him.

“How did you know where I lived? And how did you get up here?” I asked derisively but immediately regretted my tone.

Calm down, Ace. Breathe. I mentally conditioned myself.

“Jaxx spoke to the receptionist. He had to attend to his mum.”

“What do you want?” I asked Jacob offhandedly, trying not to care. He slid my bag off his shoulder and handed it to me, not saying anything. I took it and placed it on the nearby table.

“Thanks.”

An awkward air hung between us before he stepped aside to let me out of my unit. He followed me silently to the lift. I pressed the buttons for us. The two arrived simultaneously, one going up and the other down. When I stepped inside our lift, he followed.

“This one’s going up,” I pointed out and pressed the hold button that kept the door open so he could step right out.

“I know,” he said flatly and pulled my hand off the control. I sighed and saw his jaw tense up, but I was not in the mood to deal with his s**t. The ride was silent except for Justin’s occasional sniffling. He snuggled under my neck and held on to the collar of my shirt, occasionally glancing at the man beside us.

He still didn’t say a word when we alighted, and I was beginning to wonder what in the world he wanted from me.

“Ace, I’m sorry. I apologize,” he sighed. He stood beside me, looking ahead the same way I was.

“For what exactly?” I folded my arms as I continued to watch Justin run around the playground, squealing with two other kids.

“For this morning. I didn’t mean to be cross. I’m not making excuses for that ill behavior. I’m sincerely sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever. You’re sorry. I accept your apology.” I knew the moment that came out of my mouth it was insincere, and it sounded just that, forced and fake.

“Right. Thanks,” he said quietly. I quickly bit my tongue. Was I mean? I think yes.

The sky was deep orange and flaming pink though the sun was nowhere in sight. I waited for him to speak again. I had so much to say, but I was afraid they’d come out wrong and unkind.

“Why do you dislike me so much?”

“I don’t dislike you. It’s just—“

“You do, Ace. It’s obvious. Anyone with two eyes can tell. I just would like to know why?”

“I don’t, okay? But if you think that way, that’s your opinion, and I’m not changing it for you,” I snapped.

“Case in point. I only asked you a question and you snap at me. I’m trying to understand. I’ve never met someone who hated me for my mere existence. You’re the first, and it’s really a bit of a bugger that it had to be you,” his voice was trailing off. I barely heard the last part.

I didn’t know what he really meant by that last sentence. Did it bother him that it was me, or was it because I was his employer?

“Jacob, I don’t. I don’t know what you want from me or how you expect me to react. Jaxx hired you to work for us. Let’s keep it that way. I don’t want to deal with emotions here.”

“I just... I need to know what I’m doing that’s pissing you off so much. Maybe I can do something about it. The work is stressful and the clients are just as bad. This, this thing,” he motioned between the two of us, “pushing away and avoiding, it’s not helping,” he turned to me, running a hand in his hair, looking frustrated. The breeze was messing his hair up but he still looked fine.

“Why does it matter so much?”

“Because it bothers me that I’m not comfortable at work, that I have to keep on walking around eggshells with you.

“I thought we were doing okay after your birthday, then one day we’re suddenly back to being strangers. No, even worse. You don’t avoid strangers, but you went to lengths not to see me or not to deal with me,” he was embittered. However, he was handling his emotions well, unlike me. I was biting my tongue the whole time just so I won’t say anything level-headed Ace would regret because right now, irrational Ace was taking the floor. I feared for myself.

“Why, Ace? Was it because of that instance in your office? After Lorena left?”

Son of a B. Of all the things to bring up, it had to be that incident. I had been pushing it at the back of my mind, but something always reminded me of it, of him: origami, lions, and even coffee from my damn coffee maker.

“It didn’t happen, Jake. Nothing happened,” and I don’t know if I wanted anything to happen. Maybe I did that time, but surely it was a momentary lapse of judgment.

“I don’t want to talk about that, and I’m sure neither do you,” I didn’t miss the anger and disappointment in his eyes, but was he also hurt? Shouldn’t he be relieved?

“Actually, I do. I haven’t stopped thinking about it,” he said, quickly looking into the sky that was now a darker shade of purple and magenta. That immediately kicked my heart into overdrive as I swallowed hard to keep it from leaping out of my throat. Were we really going to talk about it?

No, we won’t. I won’t. I can’t.

In an effort of self-preservation, I left him standing there and searched for Justin instead. It was getting dark and even though it still wasn’t dinnertime, I wanted to escape Jacob.

Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it? Did he regret it? Suddenly, I was afraid that maybe he did. Yet here I was, denying that it meant anything.

God, why was this so difficult!

I was glad he didn’t follow me. I needed time to breathe, to panic, and to digest his words. I took my time searching for the little rascal expecting to see him with the other two toddlers. However, the other kids were with their nannies and he was nowhere in sight. I roamed around the floor again and found him having a conversation with the bane of my existence.

They were by the small koi pond, with Justin standing and Jacob hunched so their eyes were almost at the same level. The light from the pond lit up half of their faces and I could see that Justin was intently listening to him as he threw petal after petal into the pond. Sensing my presence, he abruptly turned to catch me staring at him, his blue eyes capturing the shock in my face.

“Thanks for finding him,” I said as I held my hand out for Justin.

“Uncle Ace, is it true this fish is a hundred years old?” he asked me, wide-eyed, which made Jacob laugh lightly. He was really easy to get along with that even Justin let him in so quickly.

Why couldn’t I? I stared at the angry bruise on his jaw and neck. It hasn’t fully formed yet, but it was visible even in the dark because he had fair skin.

“Not these ones. I don’t know these fish. But some koi fish can live that long,” he clarified. Justin turned to me again.

“Is it true?” he tugged my hand to make me look at him. Once again, his blue eyes found mine staring at him. Jesus, why was I even staring!

“I don’t know, baby. I’m not friends with the fishes to know these things,” I told him.

“He also said I’m not a baby anymore. Mommy says I’m a big boy. You should call me big boy,” he said proudly.

“All right, big boy. ‘Tis time for supper,” I pulled him gently.

“Uh, is tito coming with us?” he whispered though it was still loud enough for both of us to hear.

“No, I won’t be. I was just leaving,” Jacob said, standing up. “But I’ll ride the lift with you.”

I didn’t dare invite him for dinner. It wasn't polite, but I badly needed this time for myself. Otherwise, I will inevitably say something I will regret. I knew irrational Ace would be, well, irrational and I have to rein him in.

I think I’m growing a second person inside me with a completely different personality. I’m actually referring to myself as irrational Ace and level-headed Ace.

Fuck. I need a therapist or a shrink. I need counseling. I need to talk to someone before more personalities appear out of nowhere. 

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