The Beginning of The End

Go down fighting

Sophia

Fear is what controls us and keeps us from doing stupid things but if you let it control your life you will never achieve anything. I have had to learn that the hard way but I came out of the other side a different person to the one I was only a few weeks ago. It is hard to imagine that a few days can completely change someone's life but I know it can happen, I have seen it happen, I have experienced it happening. Throughout my life, I have resisted change hoping that by living as I have always done I could control my life. But I now understand that some things are beyond my control. I also know that sometimes you have to do stupid things because they are more important than anything else. It is these things that change you and shape the person you will become.

***

The bees were bored with toying with us. The minute one of us fell their speed increased but not to the maximum I had seen that it could be. They wanted to have to chase us, they wanted us to think we were safe only to suffer a slow and painful death later. I knew all this but I also knew we still had to try. John was going to risk his life even if I didn't and I felt backed into a corner.

I swallowed my fears, pushed all rational thinking to the deepest, darkest part of my mind and locked it securely in unbreakable chains until I needed it later. And though it was a struggle to do even that, I knew it was necessary to be in control of my emotions.

Logic and rational thinking was the only thing that made sense to me. I lived in a time controlled by technology and science where logic was the most important thing and if something couldn't be explained with logic and reason then it obviously didn't exist. That was the only idea that my lack of imagination filled brain could handle.

I was fighting against myself, trying to control the urge to run. In my mind flight overruled fight every time adrenaline took over. But for the first time in my life, I couldn't just run away and hide. I had to face my problems head-on and hope that that was enough to stop them. I run from everything. It is what caused my attitude to be the way it is. I ran after my dad died - I ran from my mum and all the family I had; I ran from friends and their sympathy and I ran from everyone who has been trying to bridge the gap ever since because I didn't want to risk falling into the chasm that the lost presence in my life had caused.

But I couldn't run now. This wasn't about me. My friends had never turned their back on me so I couldn't turn my back on them now. But I didn't have much time to waste arguing with myself like I was. I had to stop thinking - I knew it would be the only way that I could do something so drastic.

So I went through all the training techniques years of boring councillors and social workers, who claimed they were only trying to help me, had taught me and tried to make me do, to deal with the situation.

It took a few seconds. A few seconds that I didn't really have to spare but I did it anyway - knowing that without a clear mind I would panic.

One second my mind was busy with a million thoughts, all of them terrifying and craving for me to escape. Dark twisted thoughts that had lingered at the back of my mind for years and new panicky thoughts brought on my fear and lack of logic. But then there was nothing. A blank space where thoughts should be like a clean pristine page in a brand new book. It was like a new start, a place where I could rewrite myself, a stage on which I could do anything I wanted. But I didn't have time to change my personality now. The clock was ticking, seconds whizzing by even though time had slowed. How much longer could this go on? I got rid of that niggling thought too but I knew I couldn't have a blank mind for long. Background noise was what I wanted, what I needed. I focused on the first thing that came into my head that I didn't absolutely hate. Finale from Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky - a calm, floaty piece played by an orchestra. I had only heard it a few times but the calm tones and light melody were just what I needed to completely ignore the bad things going on.

I knew I needed a spark, once the flames had caught there would be no way to stop me. I started a countdown in my mind like one that might happen at the start of a race. I had never been good at sports but this was one race I was going to win. Three, Two, One, Go. It was on this count that I pushed myself forward; propelling myself towards everything I had ever feared at the fastest rate which I could manage.

John, after going through a similar yet different mental cleansing, erupted from standstill to a flat-out sprint. He left a split-second after me yet his long legs allowed him to overtake me easily. I forced myself to move faster, to keep up and not get left behind. I was surprised by how much energy we still had left. It felt like we had already run a marathon yet now we were sprinting back for a second look at something we had already passed as if the energy we had already used was nothing.

We reached Hattie in seconds but we really had no idea what to do. We dropped to our knees. My eyes flicked between Hattie on the floor and the approaching bees. Mike was still between us and them.

"Can you move it?" John indicated Hattie's ankle.

If Hattie's scream of pain was an answer I guessed it was a no.

"We need to get her out of here now." I knew that John was thinking the same as me but he hadn't had to turn off all logic to even approach Hattie and now I knew his brain was trying to work out exactly how to do so. With nowhere else to turn John's eyes finally registered his cousin who had finally managed to reach us.

"Mike," This was the first time he had used his cousin's name instead of the mocking nickname. "We need your help." We all new being polite was not important.

"You're having a laugh right." No one was smiling but Mike didn't even stop to check. "Sorry cousz, but I'm not stupid." Well, he says that I thought but I'm afraid I have to disagree.

He carried on running. This was a new low even for Mike. John took it badly as if the whole thing was personal but I doubted that the fact that he had asked had anything to do with it.

Hattie looked up at him her sparkling eyes dark beneath her long eyelashes. She looked fierce but underneath that hard, piercing stare was a helplessness and hidden sadness. She had thought things would be different but Mike had done to her what he did to all the others and what made it worse was that we had all known it was going to happen but Hattie had ignored all our warnings. And now it wasn't just her ankle that was hurt and potentially broken. But in the next second that vulnerability had disappeared replaced by a grim determination.

John followed Mike grabbing him and shoving him against the wall. In that moment I was reminded of the vile temper he normally managed to control. Normally I would ignore this as Mike had clearly overstepped the line but I was so aware of the time pressures of the situation. My mind could come up with no solutions as I had locked all rational thinking up to get me to come close enough to Hattie to be of use.

The bees were so close now I had no idea what to do. I couldn't support Hattie's weigh on my own and John was still fighting Mike. I ran to them thinking of nothing else I could do. I really needed to accept my logic back. I could do nothing without it.

I had to appeal to the only side of John I knew - the kind, compassionate friend who had helped us all through the toughest time, who thought looking after us was the top priority.

"What about Hattie?" The question was all I could manage and I could hardly force the words out. They came in a rush yet as quiet as I normally spoke if not quieter. The rage John had worked himself into scared me.

He snapped out of it almost instantly when he registered my words. But it was still too late the bees were on us. Hattie was easy prey so they were concerned with her first. John was in action in an instant he seemed fearless. Mike had other ideas and ran in the other direction. Most of the bees followed him, excited by the idea of another chase. I wasn't concerned about that, I knew Hattie had to be my main priority.

I had no rational thinking. Grabbing the nearest piece of rubbish that would serve as a weapon I jumped into everything alongside John.

Sometime in amongst the confusion, I let go of the chains holding all my rational thinking back. My actions contradicted all my thoughts but I didn't care. I had set my mind on a task and I was going to achieve it no matter what it took. One lone bee fell the others held strong. Our effort was poor but we didn't give up hope. This was the last chance and we were given it our all. My arms ached, there was a dull throbbing pain in my skull and my legs and lungs were still aflame from all the running. So many times I wanted to give up the fight but I found the power to go on from somewhere and clung to it for all that it was worth.

John had channelled all the rage he had against his cousin into his actions, wielding his own makeshift weapon as a professional. He had a lot to fight for. He was always protecting us and even now when there was very little hope for any of our survival he felt securely bonded to that promise. None of us were forcing him to make so many sacrifices for our 5 but he did them anyway. I knew at this moment that it was our friendship and that alone that was giving him the courage and strength to continue. His sense of duty to the promise he made to himself was incredible. He wouldn't give up until he was forced to and that was as far from now as he could make it. That was if he could control it.

And slowly the battle started to turn - not for the worst as I had expected but for the better. The bees grew bored of the game, attracted to other places by invisible forces that pulled them from our sides but not before our side could take a casualty. I knew it would happen. We had been seriously outnumbered and we were lucky to have survived for as long as we did. The odds we faced were too far against us.

In the end, it was Hattie who had made the biggest sacrifice. We knew it would be a struggle with her on the floor unable to move, her hurt leg outstretched to take the pressure off her aching ankle. She had been stung when she tried to take attention away from me when the odds were against me and I was struggling to cope. I felt compassion towards her - not just because she was my friend, as we were the ones who clicked least, but because she had saved my life and potentially paid for it with hers.

I had almost expected her death to be imminent but when it wasn't I allow a tiny glimmer of hope to blossom within me.

The phone was in my hand before I knew what was happening. I knew the number from memory but sat there next to Hattie's deflated form, the news (I hadn't decided whether it was bad or ok yet but it certainly wasn't good) fresh in my mind. But could I really do it? Could I destroy someone's hope when I didn't know if it would be mine or Scarlett's? I still had no idea whether it was her plane that had crashed and whether she was dead now. All I knew was - I had a tough decision ahead of me.