Forbidden Passion

Chapter 1- Life in the Pack

Ashton POV

I moved carefully around the scars on my face to get a closer shave, patting my face carefully with a towel and examining my handiwork to make sure I didn’t miss a spot. Not that it would be noticeable if I did miss a spot. Nobody would be looking that closely at me anyway.

Today I am turning 18 years old and am excited and ready to find my mate. Hopefully she is a member of my pack so I don’t have to wait too long. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt unconditional love and acceptance. My family members are genial, but I know they don’t care for my presence. My scars make me appear weak even though I am physically the strongest wolf in the pack. Even stronger than my Alpha father and my older brother. I’ve trained harder. All those nights of loneliness started getting too heavy a burden to bear, so I channeled my anger and indignation into training alone in the woods. My reward for all that training was immense strength, increased stamina, and unusual flexibility. I did everything from yoga to tai chi to strength training to long runs to swimming against the current to rock climbing, just to name a few things. Whatever videos I could find online that gave a decent workout, I did. I am even a really good dancer, and I hope I’ll find my partner today.

No girls look twice at me unless it’s in derision or disgust. I just know my mate will be different. She’ll hear my story on how it happened. She’ll have sympathy for my suffering. She’ll fill the void of loneliness and need in my heart. I won’t have to live in the darkness and dread the light any more. I can proudly display my mate on my arm who’s acceptance of me will surely make others accept me as well.

I have it all planned out in my head, and I’m clinging to the hope that it will all go as planned when I find her today. Maybe she’ll be the beautiful daughter of the Beta. I have long admired her from afar, wishing I could touch her and hug her like my older brother does when he’s goofing around with her. He hasn’t found his mate yet and isn’t in any hurry. Everyone loves him. He’s not desperate for love and acceptance like I am. He’s the future Alpha of the Rocky Mountain Pack. He’s handsome and strong. He’s funny and is good at strategic planning in battle, or so I’ve heard. He’s everything any she-wolf could ever want, and he has had more than his fair share of jaunts with the she-wolves of our pack, too.

I sighed and shook my head. I am good at nothing like my brother. I’m not good with people, so I’m not witty. I’m not included in battles any more, so I’ve never learned strategy. I’m certainly not attractive thanks to my horrific scars. If I find my mate today, will I even have anything to offer her? My sad eyes respond with a resounding no. I have nothing to offer her. Maybe I don’t want to meet my mate today after all.

I strode out of the bathroom, threw my backpack over my shoulders a little too aggressively and left my room to head downstairs. As was customary, I bypassed the dining hall where everyone gathered for breakfast and headed straight to the kitchen to grab whatever happened to be sitting out. Today it is maple sausage links and pancakes. My favorite.

I’m in the middle of piling a plate with the food when the door opens, and my mother steps in. She looks at me tentatively.

“Ashton, you know your family loves you. It’s your birthday. Please come join us for breakfast today,” she pleads. But her words are in vain.

“No,” I growl at her. She knows why I never sit with the family.

“I talked to Aiden already. He won’t tease you today. I made him promise,” she tried again.

“You mean like the last time he promised and I ended up with mashed potatoes in my face? No. I’d rather be alone than humiliated,” I answered coldly. Or should I continue and bring up the time before that when he used whipped cream to try to create a Phantom of the Opera mask on my face? Or the time before that when he used ketchup on his own face and cried that he didn’t want to end up like me? Or the time before that when I got to eat a peaceful meal and let my guard down only to be ambushed on my way out of the pack house with powdered sugar and honey to make my appearance ‘sweeter’? All those incidences ran through my mind, my face reddening with anger as each memory came and went.

“I wish I’d just died that day!” I burst out angrily and pushed past my tearful mother to get out of the door quicker, plate in hand. She didn’t bother to follow me. She gave that up years ago. My face got destroyed when I was 11 years old. Parts of my body got scarred up, too, but nothing was as bad as my face.

I run to my favorite broom closet near the laundry room. Barely anyone comes here at this time of day, and it is a safe place for me to eat in peace.

Maybe we’ll meet mate today, and everything will get better, my ever-optimistic wolf pipes up.

Can it, Brevin, I snap. Like I could ever hope for a happy ending. Whoever attacked me and left me for dead seven years ago wanted to make sure that if I did survive my life would be ruined. Why that person picked me I’ll never know, I guess.

I finish my pancakes and take my paper plate and plastic fork to the trash. My mouth is dry. I didn’t have a chance to fix a glass of milk before my mom came to get me. Water isn’t what I really want to wash down the maple flavors of my breakfast. I want a cup of black coffee, but that raises my risk of being spotted and hassled, so I’ll just deal with water from the sink faucet in the laundry room. Again.

I check my watch after drinking some water that is at least fresh spring water, one of the perks of being a mountain-dwelling pack, and hurry out the door for classes.

As usual, I pull my hoodie up over my head and as far down over my face as I can. I keep a ball cap on over the hoodie, keep my face low, and walk as swiftly as possibly without breaking into a full run. All the while, I’m trying to sniff the air to see if I catch a whiff of my mate’s scent.

I’m sniffing around the school all day, hoping to catch a pleasant scent that will lead me to my mate, but nothing is out of the ordinary. A couple of the girls I’ve had crushes on smelled nice, but nothing that had me yelling ‘MATE!’ I’ve seen some kids meet their mates, and it’s like they’re hypnotized by each other. I’m not getting that with anyone. I can’t help but begin to feel discouraged and disappointed. Maybe I’m not meant to have a mate.

All wolves have mate. It’s a big world. We’ll find her. Brevin breaks into my thoughts to try and encourage me. I sigh for what feels like the hundredth time today and journey back to the pack house to wait for the sun to set. Thank the goddess this is my last week at school. I technically have enough credits to graduate, but my mom was forcing me to stay in until I turned 18 'for the memories'.

This is my life. I go to school, keeping a low profile while I’m there, go home, stay in my room until night, go out to train and do whatever I want to do to burn energy, sleep for a few hours, wake up, wash, rinse, repeat. Predictable. Lonely. Boring. Lifeless. Depressing. Yeah. I also suffer from depression, thanks to my utter seclusion. Never talking to people gets depressing. What of it?

Our mate won’t save us, Ashton. You won’t change for her. You need to change for you and accept yourself, Brevin advises me, as he so often does.

Can. It. Bre. Vin. I snarl back at him. Honestly, if it wasn’t for him, I think I would go crazy from loneliness. He does lift my spirits well. I’m pretty sure he was hand-picked for me by the Moon Goddess given my circumstances. I first heard him when I turned 14 years old, three years after the attack. Hope once again welled up inside of me. Perhaps she did the same thing for my mate. I bet she hand-picked my mate for me, and she will be amazing and, like Brevin, exactly what I need.

That thought lightened my mood, and I hopped on the internet to browse social media. I have an avatar as my profile picture, and the internet is always a good escape from my reality. So many people look so happy and lead interesting lives. I pause on my news feed and look at the post that came up.

Take Liz, for instance. She always looked so happy. Her life was exciting and full of adventure and romance. Here is a picture of her now, sitting on the wall of her grandparents’ castle in Britain, smiling for her picture that she says a cute guard took. I look closely at her and can’t believe how grown up she looks. The last time I saw her was briefly after my accident. She was scared then and cried to leave my hospital room. She is a few weeks younger than me.

The past few times her family came to visit I didn’t bother with the formalities and just stayed in my room so I wouldn’t scare her. We played together as children and had lots of fun. We were each other’s first kiss (kind of. If kissing on the cheek counts), and she was my first crush. Then the attack happened. Hearing her crying in my room out of fear of how I looked taught me that absolutely nobody would ever accept me again. In that moment, I knew I was destined to live alone.

Depression creeps back in, snuffing out the hope that had arisen just a moment before. I snap my computer shut and go flop onto the middle of my bed despondently.

“I need a miracle,” I tell my ceiling, imagining the Moon Goddess there. “I need my face healed so I can be handsome and charming and wanted. I need a new attitude about life while you’re at it.” I roll onto my side and curl up into a ball. It’s not long before I fall asleep.

I wake up to a completely dark room a little later. Once again my birthday has passed without a single present or party. Only a passing happy birthday from my mom. My dad hasn’t even come to see me today. It’s not like they don’t all know where I’m at. The darkness threatens to crush me as I sink deeper into depression. My birthday has ended, and I’m still alone. I didn’t find my mate. My dreams didn’t all come true. I didn’t even get to blow out a candle to make a wish for anything.

I sigh yet again and hop out of the bed, stretching and popping my stiff joints. I change into my workout attire and slip out of my room into the quiet hallway. Nobody is around, though the pack house is still lit up. My birthday is in October, so it’s still early even though it’s dark out.

I sneak out onto the rarely used upper balcony that overlooks the very popular lower balcony and stick to the shadows. I can hear people on the lower balcony talking, and I pause upon hearing my name.

“…Ashton’s birthday?” A female voice was asking.

“Yes. It is my son’s birthday, but as usual he prefers to spend his time alone,” my father’s voice answers.

I snort to myself. I don’t prefer to be alone. I’m forced to be alone because no one will reign in the antics of my elder brother.

“Perhaps you should throw him one of those mate-finding ceremonies?” The female voice prompted. My heart flipped into my throat.

Oh no! Anything but that!

“I don’t really think that would be his thing…” I hear my mother answer.

“Tosh. If he finds his mate at such an event, I doubt he would begrudge you for it,” came a proper male voice.

“Yes indeed! I know that my Liz would like to see him again,” the female voice agreed. Ah. So these two were Liz’s parents. I didn’t even know they were visiting our pack. Shows how much I keep up with pack life.

“Tori, it didn’t go so well last time Liz was here. She was terrified of him,” my mother gently admonishes her old friend.

“Terrified of him,” the proper male voice answered. “Not at all. She was terrified of whatever attacked him, not of him. She had nightmares of being attacked for months following that visit.”

Oh. I guess I misunderstood her fear. Maybe because I was actually afraid of myself at that time. Interesting. I know I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but they are talking about me, after all.

“I don’t know…” my mother wavered. “A mate-finding ceremony might be asking too much of him.”

“It’s your call, Emily, but I know at least one girl who would love to see him. Liz is coming home from Europe this weekend. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind just coming straight here instead of going home. She loves an adventure,” Tori was using her no-nonsense voice, and I already knew my mom was going to give in. She rarely stood up to Tori. Something about feeling guilty about something-or-other that happened in their past.

“Who would we even invite?” My mother was sounding more convinced, and I don’t care to hear any more of them playing matchmaker with my life.

I ignore them and stick to the shadows, descending from the balcony like a secret agent. Time for my nightly workout. Nothing ever changes.