Underrhelm

Chapter 18

VALENTINE

I hurriedly made whatever tea I could find in Ray's kitchen and set it on a tray with a pile of all the snacks I could find. As I came to her bedroom door, I paused my hands shaking the tray. I had to swallow my fear and I thought to myself, "Just be her friend, be there for her in any way she needs." I exhaled and entered her room to find her sitting up and looking out the window.

"Hey Ra--boss. How are you feeling? I brought you some tea and food if you're up for it." I said, trying not to cry of happiness. Just seeing her awake made me want to puke from relief. I sat the tray next to her bed and sat myself in the armchair. It seemed like forever since I was last here, a different person before me.

"Say something helpful you i***t!" I shouted to myself.

"I love you." I blurted out. "Not that you moron!" I screamed in my head. "Uh I mean I uh I meant to say I am glad you are awake." I hung my head. She looked at me, her eyes filled with sorrow and said, "I'm sorry." My heart was caving in on itself. I've never had to deal with this before.

"There is no hiding anything anymore," she started to speak. "You obviously know everything now and you still love me. Why?" she asked.

I chuckled and responded, "Because you're you. Because you judge people fairly and protect them with everything you have. Because despite being broken you thought I was worthy of loving." She winced at my words. "I don't know what you're going through but I do know I will help you in any way you need." I finished.

___________________________________________

RAYNA

I watched as Valentine described all the reasons he loved me. It made my stomach turn. The way it does when you've done something horrible and good things happen anyway. Most call it guilt. I felt so guilty having made his heart break over my lifeless body. I began to cry from holding everything in for so long.

"I can't take back what I made you feel today, and for causing that pain I am sorry." I responded.

"You broke my heart today." he said flatly. The sobs came shortly after. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I managed to gasp. He ran to me and wrapped me up in his embrace.

"No please let me go, I don't deserve this." I cried in my head.

"You broke my heart because you asked me not to leave you and then you left me. It made me realize I didn't tell you enough that I wanted you to stay." he whispered.

"It's not your job to hold me together and to tell me to stay!" I shouted. He grabbed my face and kissed me. He then pulled away and looked into my eyes and said, "I want it to be my job."

"You're so busy holding the rhelms on your shoulders you can't see all the people on the sideline waiting to help you." she started not letting go of my face. Making me look into those eyes that looked like liquid silver.

"You don't have to keep up the façade that you are okay. You are capable of being both vulnerable and strong. Not a soul at Umbra will think you less of a leader because you don't have it all together." he finished.

"How am I supposed to protect everyone, love you, love myself and still grieve. It's too much." I replied. "You've been loving me, protecting everyone and grieving this whole time. The moment you thought about us and what that would mean about how you feel about yourself, it became too much." he said, placing his forehead on mine. "So then take me off your plate. Till you are done fighting with yourself. I will step back and I will wait." he said with a tinge of pain in his voice. "I'll do whatever you want if it means you stay." he added before getting up and walking back to the armchair. I wanted to reach out for him.

"Maybe he can love me enough for the both of us." I thought.

Before I could say anything he said, "There is something I want to tell you. I haven't told you because I was afraid you'd tell me to leave and never come back." he sighed. "Seeing as how I know everything now, so should you." he added, taking off his shirt and turning his back to me. His back was covered in crisscross scars. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I was a torturer, I was raised as one anyway. When I was younger, I thought that's who I had to be. They demonstrate it to you. So you'll never forget how to do the job." he stated before putting his shirt back on.

"Sometimes I can't sleep because the screams get too loud." he uttered.

He sat down and hung his head. I got up and knelt down at his feet. I placed a hand on his knee and questioned, "How did you get through it?"

"I don't think you get through things. I think you take them in and they change you and you carry it around with you. The trick lies in convincing yourself you still deserve life and love." he answered.

"Do you know how I managed to feel that?" he asked. I shook my head no.

"You told me you loved me," he replied. My heart felt a little bit fuller at that moment.

Though I was terrified that I had lost control I wanted to want help. I got up from the floor and laid in my bed. Without looking at him I asked, "Will you hold me while I rest?" He got up and laid next to me. He ran his fingers through my hair and then rolled me over to face away from him. He wrapped his arm under me and pulled me in close to him. For the first time I felt like he could truly protect me from anything, even myself.