Walk Away

July 2022

Theo got better. After two long weeks in hospital, he was finally allowed home. I couldn’t have been prouder of how my little soldier handled it all. Honestly, my children blow my mind. Every single time.

It was tough. Exhausting. I stayed by Theo’s side as much as possible—grabbing quick showers at home, checking in on the other two. At eleven and fourteen, it had been hard on them too. It’s been a constant juggling act trying to keep everything afloat. Theo’s dad stayed a couple of nights in the hospital too, giving me a chance to catch up at home. And somewhere in the chaos, I’d also seen Charlie—just at mine. I didn’t have the energy for much else.

Charlie had borrowed money two more times since that first ask. I was getting it back, but in little bits and pieces. “You’re the best, I don’t know how I’d have managed without you, babe,” he’d said, all charm. We were now officially a couple. When he was working away, the drinking had gotten heavier. The late-night drunk calls became a regular thing. I just tried to manage it all. I guess that’s what men do when they work away, right? What else is there?

But in the middle of looking after everyone else, I’d done what I always do, forgot to take care of me.

I ended up at the doctor’s. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous, just totally off. She took my blood pressure, frowned, then said words I really didn’t have time for.

“I’m calling you an ambulance.”

“I need to get back to work. My kids need me,” I argued, but she wasn’t budging.

So there I was, hooked up to an IV in a hospital bed, looking like s**t and feeling even worse. Kidney infection. Because of course. As if there wasn’t already enough.

I’d just come off the phone to Charlie.

“Look babe, it just makes sense. I’ll stay at yours for a few days, keep the place going. Your car’s there so I can come see you too, darling.”

He was banned from driving. I really shouldn’t have let him, but I needed someone. Someone to show up. So I agreed. He’d be up later.

Lying there in that hospital bed, drifting in and out of sleep, everything felt like too much. Why is it always like this? Just when I think I’m catching up, life throws something else my way.

The nurses brought food around. I couldn’t even look at it.

“You’ve got to try and eat,” they kept saying. But I couldn’t.

My phone buzzed, it was a Charlie. “Babe, I’m outside.”

I dragged myself out of bed, cannula still in my arm, pale as Casper.

“I’m going for some air,” I told the receptionist, and walked outside.

There he was in the car park, flowers in hand, pulling me into the biggest bear hug.

“Take me home,” I said, head against his chest.

“I can’t, darling. You need to get better.”

Charlie stayed at mine for a few nights while I was still in hospital. I felt completely lost—like I was failing at everything. Missing my kids. Missing work. Stuck in this bed, just waiting. His phone calls late at night made me feel not so alone and it was nice he cared. We fell asleep a few times on the phone together which brought a new level of comfort and closeness.

A nurse finally came in.

“You can go home,” she smiled. “We’re sorting your meds and notes now. Is someone coming to get you?”

Charlie had gone back to Norfolk. The night before, he’d phoned me drunk from a festival at stupid o’clock. I was still in hospital, still healing, and he was off his face at some field party. I didn’t let him know how sad that made me. I just asked him to shush because of the other patients.

He’d borrowed more money. Now I knew where it had gone. Still if I was getting it back it wasn’t up to me what it went on.

I called Liz. She’s been in my life nearly a decade and always shows up when it matters. She and her daughter Charlotte picked me up.

“I want to go somewhere. Celebrate being free,” I told them, trying to reclaim some sense of normal. We’d seen this chippy all over social media and decided to make the hour-and-a-half drive to it.

We got there just as it was closing.

“It’s bloody closed!” Liz laughed.

“Well… closing.”

I knocked on the window. They let us in and gave us the last scraps of chips. Honestly, it was perfect. A little road trip. Singing in the car. Smiling again—for a moment, it was everything I needed.

“So, how’s the boyfriend?” Liz asked.

“Yeah… it’s all good. He’s fun,” I replied, holding back. I couldn’t bring myself to mention the doubts. Not yet. Definitely not the money.

“Where is he, then?” she asked, her tone telling me she thought he should’ve been with me.

“He’s had to go back to Norfolk.”

I ended it there.

That night, I crawled into my own bed and thought about everything. Me and Charlie had only been seeing each other for two months. He’s allowed to live his life, right? Maybe he just needed space too. He’d seemed off with me when I told him about the chippy trip. I figured it was the hangover talking.

I fell asleep hard that night. Slept like a log.

What a month. Again