Shadow & Light

Chapter 10

I was hit with a rush of cool air as we exited the castle, yet again in awe of my surroundings as we walked to the field behind the castle. The brilliant blue sky was clear up above, a faint dusting of clouds visible. The sun shone bright ahead but it wasn't blistering or uncomfortable. It was colder in Ilecron than in Wrelia, making a shiver rattle my frame. Malichi told me the castle was located in the center of Ilecron, and the higher up on the map, the colder it got.

I was amazed by the amount of fae wandering around, all so friendly too. We had so many people bowing as we passed, waving and saying hello or just nodding in acknowledgement. I could see the care and respect they had for the royal family.

As we approached the vast garden behind the castle with the field just past that I stopped where I was standing. I had never seen so many beautiful flowers and colours in hues I didn't even know could be found in nature. Brilliant pinks and blues, vibrant violets and reds, and everything in between. I ran to the bed of flowers closest to us, a thick patch of roses that were red as fresh blood. Wow. I squealed in excitement, then frowned, because I didn't know I could make that sound. I took a moment to breathe in the scent of flowers in the air, so sweet and light I thought I wanted to stay and smell them forever. I spotted a few Physis fae scattered around the garden, their green hair in shades from deep evergreen to pastel green blending in beautifully with the vegetation. Their hands moved in beautiful dances, the few wilted plants I could spot transforming and healing before my eyes at their gifted touches.

"Did Wrelia not have a garden, love?" Malichi spoke, a bewildered expression on his face as he stared at me.

"Well, we had wildflowers but nothing like this. Nothing of this beauty. The Physis fae in Wrelia who had nature powers were encouraged to use those gifts to produce fresh crops for the kingdom so we always had food. Occasionally a Physis fae would go out of their way to decorate their own little gardens. But this....this is incredible."

"Well, you can come visit any time you'd like. There's a Pavilion in the middle that would be perfect for reading." At his words, I could feel a grin split my face so wide I worried it might stay that way.

"Oh my goodness yes, that sounds incredible!" I quite literally jumped for joy at the thought of spending a full day soaking up the sun, smelling the grass and the multitude of flowers, the crisp breeze, and a good book in my hand. I could just die like that. I decided if I were ever to go out that would be my preferred setting. I broke out of my little excited trance and looked back towards the men.

Malichi stood where I had left him, a gentle smile on his face as he reached out his hand for me to take. I stared at it a moment, hesitating for a beat while my smile wisped away in the breeze as if it had never been there. Why couldn't he abhor the thought of touching me? That would make this so much easier. The hand isn't going to burn you Alina, you can hold it. Hold it. This is your mate who has been nothing but supportive and wonderful to you since you met. Met yesterday. He isn't going to hurt you like everyone else. Like HE did. He wasn't Finnian. He certainly wasn't Matthias either. And this was just a hand. You don't know that. The louder voice in my head argued with me, drowning out the sweet and all too naive one. He likes you because he has to, because he is your mate. This was all insanity. I met this man yesterday, so he had no idea who I was. Sooner or later he would realize I was a freak, someone who shouldn't exist, a broken weirdo and a nobody and he would leave me. He was going to kick me out of his kingdom and I'd be alone once again. Sooner or later that gentle smile would turn into a sneer, that hand would no longer reach out to grasp mine, but to inflict pain.

I looked away from his hand and walked past Malichi and James, wringing and twisting my hands, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall. I couldn't bring myself to look over at them for fear I would see hurt radiating in Malichi's eyes at my micro rejection. I would stay strong. I would not-could not-get attached to anyone here. A bonus was that when they ultimately changed their minds I wouldn't even care. Maybe it would be better if I left on my own? Slipped out in the dead of night before anyone knew I was gone. I could save myself from the agony of rejection that I knew would burn away every last shred of self-worth I had scrambled to collect the last time it happened. And every time before that. But rejection from these people whom I knew deep down I had already grown attached to would surely rip me apart. I could go to another kingdom, or maybe even back to Wrelia. No, they would look for me there. I would have to look at that map again and find a good spot to run to.

Malichi and James didn’t push to ask what was wrong, which I appreciated, but I could feel their confusion and worry looming over us like a storm cloud that mirrored the storm raging inside of me. Tsunamis and hurricanes crashing over my soul.

A sudden sensation rose from the pit of my stomach, anger–bubbling hot, pure poison, incinerating everything else. It pushed up my throat, the taste ashy and acidic. It had me holding back vomit. A blinding red-hot inferno of fury at everything I had been through. I was scared of a f*****g hand. The hand of the man who was supposed to love me for all that I was and whom I was supposed to love in turn. But I couldn't. I wasn't scared of the hand. I was petrified of what that hand represented. The heart-aching, all-consuming, world-conquering love that meant wholly giving myself over to someone. I couldn't. Not again. How could I ever love this man, let him love me, when the thought of his skin on my own made me want to rip mine off like a piece of clothing? Made ants skitter under my epidermis. More than anything I was furious at myself. I was weak. I was nothing but a scared little girl. Scared of reaching hands and gentle smiles and sweet promises of a bright and happy future.

I was spiralling, sucked up in a whirlpool of thoughts I couldn't escape. Clawing silently against my own neural pathways for some sort of relief from my thoughts. My mind was a category 5 disaster zone. My pace was way too quick I realized, but I didn't dare to look back towards the two men who had no idea that their existence was threatening to tear me apart from the inside out.

My pace slowed ever so slightly as I realized I was completely guessing where I was going, but Malichi said that the field was behind the garden so I was just headed there. Sure enough, as I rounded a tall topiary I saw a crowd of thousands, everyone from Wrelia who chose to come willingly. Chairs were set up across the field but many fae appeared too restless to take their seats. I spotted a familiar set of fae and almost cried in relief at the sight of them. My legs sprinted faster than my brain could compute, crossing yards with ease and I all but hurled myself into the open arms of Judy as she welcomed me into her embrace. Then I really did break down, my emotions getting the better of me. Her gentle hands stroked my hair as she hugged me tightly.

"You are okay Alina, just breathe" Her voice soothed me like I imagined a mother would to her child. Judy was safe. Judy was a warm home and a loving smile in the middle of a shitstorm and I would forever be grateful for her.

When I managed to become somewhat more composed I straightened my spine and wiped my puffy eyes, sniffling and letting out a soft laugh.

"I know this has all been overwhelming for us. I can't imagine what you must be going through sweetheart." Judy knew vaguely of everything I had been through. She had been there to pick up what was left of me. If anyone knew a fraction of the maelstrom of emotions in my head it was her. Then she had seen what happened in the courtyard just like everyone else. She knew how much I hated being different back in Wrelia, and this was no different.

Cara and Lilly stood next to their mother and took no time pulling me into a shared hug the second I took one step away from their mother. I was grateful for these girls, the only ones near my age who had ever shown me any sort of compassion. We pulled away with their hushed giggles begging me to tell them all the details of my royal mate later on. These ladies loved gossip and adored a good love story even more. They wouldn't get that from me unfortunately. I rolled my eyes, though I was not even annoyed. I found it endearing.

I could feel James and Malichi come up behind me. They spoke briefly to Mrs. Tillett's husband about who knew what as Judy fixed my hair and made sure I looked presentable again.

Malichi leaned over, though didn't touch me, and softly spoke in my ear, "You can stay here with Mrs. Tillett if you would like or join me on stage as I address the crowd, it is up to you." Go up on stage in front of everyone who hated me? No thanks.

"I think I will stay here with Mrs. Tillett if that is okay with you."

"Absolutely." His voice was short and clipped and with that he walked away, flanked by James. Both men had creases marring their foreheads, worry etching itself there. I felt a sharp pang of guilt. Had I done that? Probably. And Malichi hadn't used a pet name. Detached. Probably made the realization I was too messed up to ever give a crown and a kingdom to. Another pang of something unhappy. Stop it Alina you agreed this was what was best.

I watched Malichi step onto a raised wooden platform flanked by James. A gilded swan in a pressed suit, gliding, a picture of elegance and grace. Already on the stage to the left were a man and woman who oozed elegance from every pore, so strong I could see it from the back of the crowd. Features on their faces mirrored Malichi's. Parents I presumed. Next to them was a man who looked a few years younger than Malichi, very similar as well, most likely his brother. Another woman was up there, younger, with fae aging I'd place her in her mid thirties. Then there were two others on the right side of the stage, and my heart skipped a beat. Hell, it stopped functioning all together and I had to take a shaky breath in to steady myself. It was a man and woman, arm in arm. The woman, in her mid forties I guess, was a picture of beauty. Deep black hair, button nose, and piercing silver eyes that almost glowed. My hair. My eyes. The man with a steel cut jaw, raven hair, a roman nose, and pale blue eyes, an older version of James. James's sister was nowhere to be seen. I looked away from them hugging James and focused squarely on Malichi. Don't look at the people who could be your parents. Oh right. When this was done I would have to go take a test and wait with bated breath to find out if I actually had a family.

Malichi conversed with everyone up on the platform for a moment before turning to the vast, restless crowd and clearing his throat. His crown gleamed upon his head, catching the light and reflecting it back like a beacon calling everyone's eyes to him.