Kiss Me

PART I, chapter 4

- IV -

I put my shoes away and walked into the kitchen. Mandy smiled at me.

"Hey, kiddo," she said and put a plate on the table. "Just in time for lunch!"

"I am not hungry," I said quickly, and Mandy just grinned at me.

"Right," she said and put several meat rissoles on the plate.

I winced. They smelled so good that my eyes started to water.

"Really, Mandy," I said in a steady voice. "I am not hungry..." and my stomach growled angrily at that.

Mandy laughed.

"Just eat a little, kiddo," she said lightly. "It won't hurt you."

I was about to start saying something, but then my hunger got the best of me. I sat down at the table, and before my mind could protest, I swallowed several rissoles without even bothering to chew them properly. They tasted so good that I almost started crying.

"You like them?" Mandy asked with a smile, and I just nodded. "Want some more?"

"No!" my mind protested. "A world of no!!"

"Yes," I said, and she put three more rissoles on my plate.

After I finished eating, I went upstairs and stared at myself in the mirror.

"You are so disgusting," I whispered, looking at my reflection. "Look at you... You just ate all that food, and now you have to start your dieting all over again!"

I bit my lower lip, feeling incredibly guilty. "It's only been, like, ten minutes after you finished eating..." my mind whispered. "Not enough time to digest all that food. You can still fix this..." I shook my head, feeling almost sick at the thought. "Okay," my mind sighed. "Then why won't you go and get some pie as well, fatso? Also, grab some ice cream while you are at it... And then go get French fries and a couple of Big Macs..."

I turned away from the mirror and all but ran to the bathroom. I slammed my hand into the light switch on the wall, and fell on my knees in front of my toilet. I lifted the lid with trembling hands and stared into the pale-blue water in the toilet.

"I can't..." I moaned softly. "I can't..."

The image of Tyler hugging Laurie's perfectly sculpted shoulders flashed in my head, and I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly feeling very decisive. I opened my mouth, and without further thinking, shoved two fingers down my throat. My stomach convulsed almost immediately, and all the food that I enjoyed ten minutes ago, poured out of me into the toilet in a brownish, disgusting wave. I coughed and spat some chunks into the messy, liquid pile of half-digested meat. I shoved my fingers down my throat again and again, until nothing but bile came out. I flashed the toiled, feeling very shaky. Then I closed the lid and turned on the faucet in my sink. Cold water felt heavenly on my burning face. I brushed my teeth for almost ten minutes until I couldn't taste my own vomit anymore. I carefully wiped my face with a towel and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Surprisingly, I felt good. I tentatively smiled at myself. The strange sense of victory bloomed inside my chest.

I walked out of the bathroom and turned on my computer. After a few seconds, I typed 'bulimia side effects,' into the search box and hit 'Enter.' I clicked on the first link, and a few seconds later, blinked in horror.

"Ulcers... Osteoporosis... Hair loss... Organ damage?! Jesus...!" I muttered, scanning the rest of the page. "...and immune system damage..."

I closed the web page and just sat there, staring at the computer screen. Bulimia came with too big of a price to pay for a quick weight-loss. I thought for a minute, and then pulled up the internet window again. This time, I typed into the search box, 'bulimia without side effects how long,' and quickly clicked on the first link that popped up. After several minutes, I was somewhat relieved. All the awful side effects, it seemed, occurred in long-term bulimics.

"All I want to do is to get down to my perfect size," I said very softly. "And then I'll just stop. It won't harm me... Plus, I am going to eat all those healthy greens, and I need to stack up on vitamins..."

I felt better immediately, and decided to do all my homework, so I could maybe, go to the mall with my mother again. I pulled out all my books and groaned. Today's load of homework was significantly bigger than the one on Monday. I sighed and all but dove into my books.

I was finally done with my homework almost three hours later. I stretched my arms and got up. I went downstairs without even pausing by Eric's door after I heard him hooting excitedly at something.

"Hey, Mom," I said, poking my head through the door of her so-called office. "I am done with all my homework..."

"Good for you," she said absent-mindedly, her fingers lingering on the keyboard of her computer.

"I have a question for you..."

She sighed and turned towards me.

"What is it, Stephanie?" she asked impatiently.

"Well, there is going to be a party on Friday night," I said uncomfortably. "So I was wondering if I could go..."

"Sure," she nodded immediately. "Parties are good!"

"I might... ummm... Stay overnight if that's all right?"

"Overnight?" She frowned for a second.

"Trisha's coming too," I said quickly. "She'll drive me."

"Oh, okay then," her forehead became smooth again. "Just make sure you don't do anything stupid!"

"I won't," I said. "Trisha and I are going to the mall tomorrow. I need a dress for the party..."

That got her attention in a flash.

"That sounds exciting!" She said. "I could go with you!"

"I'll ask Trisha..." I mumbled. "I was wondering if maybe we could go do my nails tonight, instead of this weekend...?"

My mother smiled widely.

"Sure," she chirped. "Just let me finish this real quick, okay?"

"Okay," I said and glanced on the computer screen. "You are talking on the messenger?" I asked in disbelief, and she quickly minimized the messenger window.

"To my friend," she said, and her cheeks turned pink.

"Oh," I shrugged, not understanding her embarrassment. "That's cool..."

She smiled at me, her blue eyes tense.

"Give me ten minutes, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded. "I'll go get dressed."

"You do that..." She said absent-mindedly and pulled up the messenger window again.

I went upstairs while she was typing something quickly. I opened Eric's door.

"Hey, geek," I said.

"What do you want?" he asked without turning his head.

"Mom and I are going to the mall. Wanna come with?"

"Ugh, no," he said, and finally, looked at me. "Since when are you going to the mall with Mom without wailing like a mad cow?"

I shrugged.

"I am going to a party on Friday night," I said. "I need a dress."

"Ooh, a party!" he squealed in a high-pitch voice. "Is your boy going to be there?"

"Shut up," I grimaced.

"Is he going to kiiiiiss you?" Eric batted his eyelashes at me. "Is he going to huuuug you?"

"Eric..." I said with a very dangerous note in my voice. "Shut up!"

He laughed and quickly said something into his microphone.

"So, what are you going to wear?" he said, pulling off his headset. "Oh, oh!! Wear something that's very easy to take off... You know, so he doesn't have any troubles getting you all naked..."

"That's it!" I ran towards him and tried to hit him on the head.

He laughed and easily turned away from me.

"Relax," he said. "I don't care! Just don't get pregnant, I don't want any babies crying all night long while I am trying to raid.... Ow!!" I finally managed to hit him on the back of his head. "Hey! Stop that!"

I grabbed him in a chokehold.

"Say that you are sorry..." I hissed.

"I am sorry!" he yelled. "Let go!"

I let go of his neck and he glared at me.

"You are crazy," he grumbled. "I need to warn that guy you are trying to get... Okay, okay...! I am kidding!" He raised his hands when I lunged at him again. "Geez..."

"Hey, did you know that Mom is talking on a messenger?" I suddenly remembered, and Eric stared at me.

"What kind of messenger?" he asked suspiciously.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Just a messenger..."

"Yahoo, MSN, ICQ, or..."

"I don't know! God, you are such a geek! I just saw her talking on some messenger, okay...? She looked embarrassed, too," I added.

Eric shrugged.

"She was probably talking to Mrs. Candy about shoe sales," he said.

"Mrs. Calandy," I corrected him automatically.

"Whatever," he shrugged again and put his headset back on. "Hey, guys," he said into the microphone. "Are we ready? Awesome! Let's do it!"

I looked at his computer screen.

"You are a girl?" I frowned, and he rolled his eyes.

"No," he said patiently. "It's a guy toon."

"You are wearing a dress, and you have a ponytail," I pointed out.

"It's not a dress," he said with dignity. "It's a robe. And a ponytail looks cool on a dark elf..."

"Whatever, Nancy," I snorted, and he looked at me darkly.

"Go get your dress," he said. "And don't wear a bra; this way, your guy doesn't have any troubles with all those hooks and buttons on your girdle..."

I smacked him on the back of his head and walked out of his room. I quickly got dressed and went downstairs where Mom was already waiting for me, spinning her car keys on her finger.

"Ready?" she asked me, and I nodded. "Great!" She beamed. "Let's go!"

...The mall wasn't half as awful as it was the last time. I actually enjoyed myself. I couldn't help but start wondering if I could actually become one of those skinny girls, who loved spending their time and money at the mall every chance they got. I almost smiled at that, the word 'skinny' making me giddy. We went to the nail salon and my mother decided to get her nails done as well. We were done in an hour, and my Mom suggested frapuccinos again, but I declined, thinking of the whipped cream with horror.

"Let's just get teas instead," I said.

"I'll get my frapuccino," she said stubbornly. "You can get whatever you want."

"Okay," I agreed, and we started walking towards a coffee shop.

"Allison!" Someone called excitedly, and my mother's body immediately went rigid.

"Tony..." She smiled weakly as a tall, dark-haired guy all but ran towards her.

"Allison, my God! You have no idea how happy I am...!"

"Tony, this is my daughter Stephanie," she interrupted him quickly, her voice alarmed.

"Oh," he breathed and looked at me. "Well, it's nice to meet you..." he said uncertainly.

"Hi," I nodded, looking at him with curiosity.

I have never seen him before tonight. He looked thirty or maybe thirty-two, tall and muscular. His thick dark hair was falling on his face in an unruly wave. He was very handsome, and I looked at my mother who was biting her lower lip, her eyes very tense and guilty.

"Steph..." She said, rummaging through her purse. "Here, go get us a table," and she handed me a fifty.

"What do you want me to buy?" I frowned.

"I want my frapuccino," she said. "And you can get whatever you want... Keep the change, okay? You'll need it for your party on Friday."

"But..."

"Go, okay?" she interrupted me. "Get us a table! I'll be right there."

"Okay," I muttered and looked at Tony. "Was nice meeting you..." I said, and he smiled.

"Nice meeting you too," he nodded politely.

I went into the coffee shop and ordered our drinks. My iced tea was ready in less than a minute. I grabbed it and sat by the window, looking at Tony and my mother. It seemed like they were having an argument. I sipped my tea and kept watching them. My mother said something to Tony, her entire posture almost pleading. He sighed and nodded. I looked at them intently. The whole scene was bizarre. I couldn't figure out why my mother was acting so strangely, and then, Tony suddenly grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards him. I slowly set my plastic cup on the table, and stared at them with horror, that complete understanding finally dawning on me. My mother briefly wrapped her slender arms around his neck and kissed him on the mouth with such passion that I almost fell off my chair. I grabbed my tea and almost ran to the opposite corner of the coffee shop. I barely sat down when she walked through the front door, and quickly scanned the coffee shop with her eyes, looking for me. She saw me, and a flash of great relief flashed in her blue eyes when she realized that I couldn't see them from the chair that I chose. She grabbed her frapuccino from the counter and walked towards me. I realized that I couldn't look at her face.

"So," she said brightly after she sat down. "What else do you want to do?"

"Tony is your lover, isn't he?" I asked quietly without looking at her, and she let out a small, very sharp exhale.

She wrapped her fingers around her plastic cup for a few silent minutes.

"Yes," she said finally in a small voice.

"God..." I whispered, feeling sick to my stomach.

"Stephanie..." She said softly. "Please, don't tell your father..."

"Mom," I muttered. "Why?" I finally looked at her.

She slowly sipped her drink.

"Your father is a wonderful man," she said quietly. "But he's been so busy with his work... All those business trips..."

"So you just decided to jump this guy?" I asked her with sudden anger.

She winced.

"It's not like that," she said softly. "Tony makes me feel..." She paused. "Loved," she finished in a small voice. "Do you know how long it's been since your father and I..."

"Oh, God..." I moaned. "Please, Mom! Don't finish that sentence!"

"Okay," she nodded. "I will never leave your father, and I will never hurt him... So, please!" She looked at me pleadingly. "Don't say anything, okay?"

"Okay," I muttered, and she sighed with relief.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"I want to go home," I said. "I am tired."

"Sure," she nodded. "Do you still want me to come with you to the mall tomorrow?"

"I don't know," I said. "I'll ask Trisha if she doesn't mind."

"Okay," she nodded again. "Let's go home."

...I lay in bed that night, unable to sleep. Tony's face floated in my mind. I kept seeing my mother kissing his mouth with strange hunger that I have never seen in her before. Suddenly, the images slightly shifted, and now, I saw myself kissing Tyler's mouth with passion and thirst. I moaned and squeezed my eyes shut. Finally, I got out of bed and tiptoed into the kitchen where I found Mandy's rissoles. I ate five or six of them without even bothering to warm them up. Then I went back upstairs and headed straight for my bathroom, where I made myself purge, and this time, it wasn't half as difficult. I brushed my teeth and went to bed where I fell asleep almost instantly.