Still Tangled In You.

Chapter Fourteen: Too Many Feelings, No Clear Direction

I stopped responding to my phone for a while.

Not because I didn’t see the messages.

But because I didn’t trust myself to reply in a way that wouldn’t make things worse.

My ex’s message stayed there.

“Can we talk?”

Simple.

But heavy.

And I already knew what talking meant with him.

It never stayed simple.

It always opened doors I was still trying to close.

But even with that awareness, I couldn’t ignore the fact that part of me still wanted to go.

Still wanted to hear him.

Still wanted to understand what he meant when he said he didn’t really let go.

And that was the problem.

Because wanting something doesn’t always mean it’s right for you.

I sat on my bed, staring at the wall for a long time.

My mind kept replaying everything.

The way he looked at me when he said he wanted me back.

The way I told his friend we should just be friends.

The way I had been switching between emotions without ever fully standing still in one place.

And slowly, something uncomfortable started building inside me.

Not confusion anymore.

Awareness.

Awareness that I was emotionally attached to two different people at the same time.

And neither attachment was small.

It wasn’t just attraction.

It wasn’t just habit.

It was real feelings.

For both of them.

That thought made me sit up properly.

Because I had been trying so hard to convince myself it was just confusion.

But it wasn’t.

I loved my ex.

And I also loved his friend.

Just differently.

The ex felt like history that never stopped breathing inside me.

The friend felt like peace I didn’t know I needed until I felt it.

And somehow, I had ended up between both.

My chest felt tight.

Because I knew what people would say if they knew.

Confused.

Indecisive.

Playing with hearts.

But none of those words explained what it actually felt like inside me.

Because inside me, it wasn’t play.

It was pressure.

It was guilt.

It was emotional exhaustion.

I stood up and walked around my room again.

I tried to think logically.

If I go back to my ex… I reopen something unstable.

Something that was already broken in pieces before.

Something that ended more than once.

Three times, if I was being honest with myself.

And every time it ended, it left something behind.

Trust issues.

Confusion.

Unfinished emotions.

But if I go back to his friend… It feels safer.

Calmer.

But also too recent.

Too fast.

Too new.

And that comes with its own weight.

People would say I didn’t even give it time.

That I moved too quickly.

That I didn’t know what I wanted.

And maybe they wouldn’t be completely wrong.

Because I didn’t fully know what I wanted.

I just knew what I felt.

And what I felt was everything at once.

I dropped back onto my bed and closed my eyes.

For a moment, I wished I could pause everything.

Pause my emotions.

Pause their expectations.

Pause the way my heart kept reacting before my mind could catch up.

But life doesn’t pause for confusion.

It keeps moving.

Even when you’re not ready.

My phone buzzed again.

My ex.

Still there.

Still waiting.

Still pulling at the part of me that never fully detached.

I stared at it for a long time.

And I realized something that made my chest feel heavier than before.

No matter what I did next…

Someone would feel hurt.

Someone would feel rejected.

And I would be the reason.

Not because I wanted to hurt anyone.

But because I had somehow ended up caring too deeply in two different directions.

I pressed my hand to my chest.

My heart felt like it was fighting itself.

One side pulling me back.

One side trying to move forward.

And I was stuck in the middle of both.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” I whispered into the silence.

And for the first time…

There was no answer.

Just me.

And everything I was still trying to understand.