Chapter Eighteen: The Answer I Kept Running From
1224 Words
For two weeks, my mind never rested.
Every single day felt like a battle between my heart and my conscience.
One moment, I would convince myself going back to him was a terrible idea.
The next moment, I would remember his voice, his face, the way he looked at me when he asked me to come back… and suddenly all my logic would disappear again.
It was exhausting.
Because no matter how hard I tried to move forward emotionally, something in me kept returning to him.
Maybe because he was my first real love.
Maybe because our story never truly ended properly.
Or maybe because some people leave pieces of themselves inside you even after they hurt you.
For eleven months after our breakup, I tried to survive without him emotionally.
And technically, I did.
I laughed again.
I healed in some ways.
I even allowed myself to care about someone else.
His friend.
That thought alone still made guilt crawl into my chest.
Because none of this was supposed to happen like this.
I never planned to fall for his friend.
It happened slowly.
Naturally.
At a time when I was broken and vulnerable.
And maybe that was why everything became so complicated.
Because now, no matter what choice I made, someone was going to get hurt.
Including me.
I sat on my bed that night, staring at our old chat for what felt like the hundredth time.
My ex.
The same person who once broke my heart.
The same person who still somehow had the ability to calm and destroy me at the same time.
And honestly?
I was tired of pretending I didn’t still love him.
I did.
No matter how frustrating it was.
No matter how much I questioned myself for it.
I still loved him.
But love wasn’t the only thing inside me anymore.
Fear existed there too.
Fear of repeating history.
Fear of regretting my decision.
Fear that I was choosing familiarity over peace.
And then there was him.
His friend.
The one who cared so gently that sometimes it scared me.
The one who respected my confusion instead of forcing answers out of me.
The one who still checked up on me even after I stepped away.
Thinking about him made my chest tighten differently.
Softer.
Calmer.
And that was what made choosing harder.
Because with my ex, I felt intensity.
With his friend, I felt peace.
And for two weeks, I kept asking myself the same question over and over again.
Which one mattered more?
The person who made my heart race…
Or the person who made my heart rest?
I still didn’t fully know the answer.
But one truth stayed louder than everything else.
No matter who came into my life…
I had never completely let go of my ex emotionally.
That was the painful truth I kept trying to escape.
And maybe that was unfair.
To his friend.
To myself.
To everyone involved.
But it was still the truth.
I stood up slowly and walked toward my mirror.
I looked exhausted.
Emotionally drained.
Like someone carrying too many feelings at once.
And suddenly, I realized something important.
I had been trying so hard to make the “perfect” decision that I forgot something else.
There was no perfect decision anymore.
Not after everything that already happened.
No matter what I chose, there would still be guilt.
Still pain.
Still consequences.
So maybe what mattered now wasn’t perfection.
Maybe what mattered was honesty.
And the honest truth was this:
If I walked away from my ex again without trying one more time…
A part of me would always wonder.
Always look back.
Always question if we ended too soon.
I closed my eyes for a moment.
Then whispered softly to myself:
“I still want him.”
And once I admitted that fully…
Everything inside me became strangely quiet.
Not peaceful.
Just honest.
I picked up my phone slowly.
My fingers hesitated above the screen for a few seconds.
Because I knew this message would change everything again.
But eventually, I typed.
“Can we see tomorrow?”
He replied almost immediately.
“Yes.”
Just one word.
But somehow, my chest tightened instantly after reading it.
Because this was real now.
I barely slept that night.
My thoughts kept moving endlessly.
What if this was a mistake?
What if nothing changed?
What if I was hurting someone good just to go back to something unstable?
But then another thought came quietly underneath all the fear.
What if this is still my person?
And honestly…
That thought was stronger than I wanted it to be.
The next evening, when I saw him standing there waiting for me, my heart reacted before my mind could.
And maybe that alone already said too much.
He looked nervous too.
That surprised me a little.
Because I was so used to seeing him act emotionally confident around me.
But this time felt different.
This time, both of us knew this conversation mattered.
For a moment, we just stood there looking at each other.
So much history sitting silently between us.
Then he spoke first.
“You came.”
A small smile almost appeared on my face.
“You asked me to think about it,” I replied softly. “So I did.”
His eyes stayed on mine carefully.
“And?”
My chest tightened immediately.
Because suddenly the moment felt real in a way thinking about it never did.
I took a slow breath.
“For two weeks,” I started quietly, “I’ve been trying to convince myself not to come back to you.”
His expression changed slightly at that.
“But no matter how hard I tried…” I continued softly, “I still love you.”
The silence after that felt emotional.
Heavy.
Real.
And I could actually see the relief in his face.
Like he had been scared of my answer too.
I looked away briefly before continuing.
“I’m still scared,” I admitted honestly. “And I’m still hurt about a lot of things.”
“I know,” he said quietly.
“And I don’t want us to become toxic again.”
“We won’t,” he replied quickly.
That made me laugh softly.
Not because it was funny.
But because promises always sound easier in the beginning.
Still…
I looked back at him.
And despite everything inside me warning me to be careful…
Despite the guilt.
Despite the fear.
Despite the confusion that still existed somewhere inside me…
My heart still chose him.
Maybe not logically.
Maybe not safely.
But honestly.
So I finally said the words I had been fighting for two weeks.
“I want us to try again.”
And the moment those words left my mouth…
He was so happy
"So you are accepting me back again"
He said
"Yes I am and don't mess this up again" I told him also hoping he won't
"We won't and anytime we have an argument we will settle it whether I am far from where you are I will come running to you I promise to make things right this time my queen"
he said
And I decided to trust him one last time knowing I am risking it and that's how we came back together.
- Writer
