Love at the Right Time

Widowed

Widowed

Jo – 8 months before

I’m slowly waking up on a Saturday morning as the sun begins to shine between the blinds. I look to my right to see that Johnathan, my husband of fourteen years, is still sound asleep. I begin scrolling on my phone while intermittently petting our dog that sleeps between us. When I realize an hour has gone by it hits me that something isn’t right. I roll over to wake Johnathan and get no response. Not a single twitch, groan, or breath. No breath! I now realize he’s cold as ice and he has no heartbeat.

I immediately begin to cry out “No Johnathan, no! You can’t leave us, not now! Lander and I need you too much! Please please come back! Come back to me!”

My cries wake Lander up. I’m now more aware that I need be strong for him. I tell him not to come in our room, to wait down the hall as I’m call 911.

After my call to 911, an ambulance arrives in three minutes and the paramedics pronounce him dead on arrival. Lander already understands what’s happened without me saying a word. Already standing six feet tall at the age of fourteen, and to my five feet eight inches no doubt, he’s the one holding me as we watch them place his father in a bag and slowly zip it closed over his face.

One of the paramedics is Sam, a high school classmate, and good friend. He stands by and comforts me while explaining my next steps. I thank him for his help and kindness, and he loads himself into the back of the ambulance with Johnathan’s body. He promised to take good care of him.

Johnathan was only thirty-five years old. None of this is fair. It doesn’t make any sense.

I arrive at the morgue an hour later so we can begin the process of dealing with my husband’s death. They tell me there will be an autopsy, but that his death was likely caused by an aneurysm that burst in his sleep. He would have felt no pain whatsoever. I begin to picture him waking up in heaven, reunited with his own father that had died when he was only eight, and confused as can be by what’s happening.

“Mom?”…Lander placed a gently hand on mine and gave it small squeeze, startling me the tiniest bit. I must have been deeper in my thoughts than I had realized.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” I reply trying to recover.

“Not a problem at all Mrs. Walker,” sympathized the doctor. “We know this is a huge shock to you and your family, so we want to remain as sensitive as possible. We have here, wishing to speak with you for a moment, some representatives from the organ donation center. They…”

“Oh, no that’s not necessary at all. I already know that Johnathan wished to have anything useable from his body to be donated. So yes, I am happy to sign whatever forms you need for that. Once you have whatever it is that you can use for others, we will be cremating the remains.” Johnathan and I were always very clear on this subject with one another. We created Living Wills when we turned thirty to ensure our wishes were always met when it came to death and other extreme medical measures.

“Absolutely, Mrs. Walker. We appreciate that more than you can ever know.”

“Well, actually Lander here received a donor kidney last year, so we are most certainly very familiar with and grateful for the organ donation center.”

“Once the autopsy is completed, the ODC will then come in at that same time and complete their procurement. As soon as they have finished that step, we will immediately move forward to moving him to the funeral home of your choice for the final steps in laying Johnathan to rest.”

I nod, understanding everything I’m being told. I’ve made myself numb to survive all of this.

“Again, we are so sorry for your sudden and tragic loss, Mrs. Walker and Lander. Please call us if you have any questions or need any help at all at any point in this process.”

“Thank you again,” I replied as I shook his hand. Lander followed suit, then we walked hand in hand to the car.

When we arrived at our home, I dove right in to completing all the legal tasks that would be necessary due to his death. I got to work getting in touch with our immediate family first. Johnathan’s mother insisted to be the one to contact the rest of the family since I would have enough to deal with, as well as mourning my husband. I then moved forward with the life insurance agency, our health insurance providers, doctors, financiers, and any others relevant.

When the end of the day rolled around, the dam finally broke. All the tears and cries for my sweet husband flowed freely. Lander cried with me and held me again as we just sat together trying to make sense of it all. My parents came about an hour later from that point. They helped us pack a couple of bags, load up our dog, and go home with him so we could completely be alleviated of any responsibilities while going through this.

Later that night, as I lay in my old room growing up, I look over to my bedside table. There sat in a cute little silver frame a picture of me and Ry from our senior year. He was holding me on his lap with his nose nuzzling into my cheek. I had what I can only describe as a serene smile on my face, because I remember that in that moment I felt more at peace and calm than I ever had before.

My heart throbbed painfully, as I began to miss Johnathan and Ry both. Sure, Ry is still alive out there somewhere, with his wife, and possibly even children. But I miss and need my best friend. He would hold me and tell me everything would be ok, staying the night with me to help me sleep. Keeping free from nightmares. I wondered if he ever thought of or missed me like I was missing him in that moment.

The next week seemed to move by as I stood still. Days one through three were spent in bed crying and sleeping. I would try to eat but would usually be unable to actually consume anything except water and Gatorade. We received his urn on day four. On day five, we held a service for him at our church and then took him to the local veteran’s cemetery where he was then interred within the columbarium. His plaque had even already been completed. I then just stared at the blank space next to his that would be reserved for me.

Like a silent prayer, I bowed my head and began to say in my head, willing it up to the heavens, We were never meant to be here this soon, my love. Please keep watch over our son. He misses you dearly as I do, but we will be strong. I promise we will mourn, but we will also carry on as you would want us to. I hope you are with your dad, claiming your bragging rights over the beautiful family you had on earth. Thank you for loving me like you did, and for giving me the best son a mother could ever ask for. Ruhe in Frieden, mein süßer Prinz. Mögen wir uns eines Tages wiedersehen.