Second Chance

Chapter 5 Reese

Today has been a busy day. We have a pretty long day of visitation. We decided to go ahead and bring the kids to the funeral home. Some of the ladies who work in the nursery at the church agreed to keep an eye on the kids.

The funeral home has a room set up with a TV and we brought some toys and a pack and play from mom’s house. This gives them a sanctuary from the visitation but also when the adults need a break we can go see the kids and have them give me a much-needed hug from Jace or snuggle with Kylie. I wasn’t sure about that idea but it did help.

Logan said he wanted to be able to tell his kids when they got older they were there to tell their mom goodbye. As a bonus when things got to be too much for me, I would use the excuse I was going to check on the kids as a reason to walk away from my mundane tasks.

I made a point to try to greet everyone who came to the visitation. I rearrange the flower arrangements. I tell myself I think they will look better if I move them a bit, but then I realize no they were better the other way. I am sure it is my brain trying to keep me distracted.

I don’t want my mom or Logan to have to worry about anything. Joanie’s mom is so distraught she couldn’t worry about these little things. I also remember she likes things perfect so I want to make everything as perfect as I can. My brother and mom would want to do that for her but this is too much for them. It helps me to be needed. I am glad I can do what I can.

I was sure Steve would come today. What I didn’t expect was for me to go greet him. I certainly didn’t expect I would invite him to the family dinner. I did think that was the best idea, however. My mom likes Steve, and I am sure she is more likely to eat for someone outside of the family than she is for me. Logan will be more focused on being strong for his kids. Nathan is less likely to be aware of what is going on.

I have to admit Steve threw me off by not asking me how I was doing. That is what everyone asked me. I was getting so frustrated at one point I wanted to say “How do you think I am doing? My sister-in-law is dead, my brother is now left to raise 2 kids on his own. How am I supposed to be doing?”

Everyone means well. I am sure I have done the same to other people. I mean what else are they supposed to say? So then when Steve comes up and tells me he knows I am not doing well, that I am trying to be strong, and that I have others who can be strong for me, I wanted to break down.

It was as if it was the first time since the accident anyone other than my roommate Tiffany had acknowledged this was hard for me as well.

My pain is nothing like Logan's. I also worry about my mom, Joanie was like a daughter to her. They grew very close when her parents moved away. My pain is nothing like her parent’s pain. That doesn’t mean I am not still grieving.

So to have someone see and acknowledge that was huge. Then when he offered to help I knew I needed to take him up on the offer. It never dawned on me he would only come to the funeral if I was okay with the idea.

I heard after Steve returned to town after he realized going away for school was not for him, he and my brother became closer. They were a little close when we were in school but I heard Steve started going to the bowling alley on Saturday nights which is where Logan and his friends hung out and over time Steve and his friends started hanging out with Logan and his friend group.

Mom told me Logan missed having his younger siblings to watch out for so he started to hang out with and watch out for Seve. So of course Steve would want to be here for my brother.

Yet the fact Steve was taking my feelings into account showed what a thoughtful person he is. A person who I hurt. Truthfully it was only a matter of time. I was going to hurt him when I went to college or I was going to hurt him when things didn’t work out because I was never meant to stay in this small town.

I want to work in an Art Gallery. I wanted to earn my degree. I wanted to see what else this world has to offer. So no matter what I was going to break his heart. I never took into account how much it would also break mine.

I thought I was ok with the breakup. Was it hard yes? Yet I felt it was best and it helped me to deal with the heartache by focusing on getting ready to leave for college, then college. I never dated while I was at school. I realize now it is because I wasn’t over Hero. Somehow seeing him again can help me get the closure I need.

Here I am now in the kid's room. Jace is sitting next to me watching some cartoons but my mind can not even focus on what is on the screen. The lady from the nursery is holding Kylie who is happy as can be. She has no idea how everyone else’s world has fallen apart and how hers will never be the same. I figure I will sit here a little while longer then go back to the parlor. Logan walks in sits on the couch and sighs. “How are the kids doing?” He asks.

“They appear to be doing well.” I comfort him.

“I envy them at times, and my heart breaks for them at the same time.” He tells me.

“My heart breaks for them.” I tell him “It didn’t dawn on me to be envious but I can understand why you feel that.”

He puts his head on my shoulder. “How am I supposed to do this?”

“I don’t know,” I tell my brother “The only thing I know is you are not alone.”

No matter what happens my brother is going to need my support. I should probably talk to Mom about what we are going to do to help him.

“Thanks sis. I have missed you since you were at college. I think we are going to dinner after the visitation. Nathan suggested it. It seemed like it would be easier than going home to heat up some of the food people had dropped off. To be honest I don’t want to be at home so the more time I can be gone but not here is probably better.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” I agree.

“I invited Steve.” I hope you are ok with that. He tells me.

“Of course” I lie. Not sure if I am up for seeing him at a smaller family gathering. Tomorrow I figured there would be enough people around but I am not sure how many people will be at dinner tonight but I don’t want to burden Logan with that concern tonight.

“I am glad to hear that. I didn’t mean to. Nathan wasn’t thinking and mentioned it in front of him and so it felt natural to invite him.” Logan explains

“That is fine,” I reassure him. “I am sure Nathan will enjoy spending time with Steve.” Nathan was only one year ahead of Steve and me in school so we spent more time with Nathan than we did with Logan and Joanie, so it makes sense Nathan would naturally invite Steve.

Then add in Nathan wasn’t around when we broke up so he tends to forget things did not end well for us. So I am going to have to deal. Hopefully, Nathan will talk to Steve to keep me from having to feel like I need to.

The rest of the visitation passes in a blur of greeting people and arranging the flowers. I noticed Steve seemed to spend time in the kitchen making sure there were plenty of things for the family members to drink, and if someone needed a snack they got it. He does care about my family.