Bit Broken.

Strength.

Vijay went out. He got me food and water. I didn't touch them. I roamed around the room with the letter in my hand. Looking out of the closed glass window. Breaking down from time to time. Forcing myself to read the letter. Forcing myself to not read the letter. Fighting with myself was endlessly tiring. I smelled the letter. It smelled like her. Roses. The paper had become wavy, it might have been wet before.  I finally unfolded the paper. The paper crackled. 

The ink was smudged. Her handwriting was not that good. It was going to be a difficult read anyways. I would have struggled anyway.  'Princess' , the first word that I read, made her voice ring in my ear. I touched the paper again...wavy...just like her long hair. 

'Princess...that's what you called me the first time we met. I remember how you looked at me with your big black eyes. You in the blue frock, in your torn shoes, in your sincere smile. I began loving you from that very day. I wish we met earlier. I could have loved you more. 

And when I saw you after I returned, I loved you more. Your face, your touch, your nervousness. I began losing myself once again. I wish we confessed a bit earlier. I could have felt you more. 

I wish we let everyone see what we had. what we felt. I wish everyone would let us be. Tanvi, I told Dad everything. I wish I didn't. 

He is very angry. He told me that he would kill you if I be with you anymore.  I believe he can do that. I wish he would understand. I cannot live without you. I cannot let you die. I promised him that I won't see you again. 

 You gave me everything that I didn't deserve. The least I could do  is...give your breath back to you...I love you. I wish I had more strength. I don't.'

I sat on the bed. My hands crumbled the letter it held. My eyes looking at the tall mirror kept slanting at the corner of the room. My eyes dry. My throat dry. I felt nothing. I felt nothing as I saw my reflection in the mirror. Those big black eyes looking back at me. Wondering where I went wrong. At what point I lost her. Her pain. Her suffering. Why I couldn't identify her strange smile. The other night when she smiled...that wasn't her liveliest smile...that was a lifeless smile. That wasn't confidence in her eyes...that was the certainty. 

The king was to blame for everything. But I too was to be blamed. To be punished. 

I went closer to the mirror. Staring at that face. Wanting to scream so loud that the mirror would break and I would not see that f*****g face again. I realized love is not the truest feeling after all...it's pain. You truly feel yourself when you are in pain...intense pain.

I rushed to grab the plate of food and hurled it to the mirror. The food splashed all over the wall, the floor. The glass smashed with a huge sound. Pieces of bone china  and pieces of glass scattered all over the floor. I went to pick up a large piece of glass, large enough to reflect my distorted face. Holding it with my right hand, I place the sharp end towards my left wrist. My hands trembled as I stood like that. As I kept thinking what Tara must have felt doing that. I couldn't. I wished I had more strength. I didn't.

"What's the sound?" Vijay barged into the room. "Tanvi!" He yelled. He caught my right hand and took the glass. His chest going up and down. His eyes narrowed. His lips upturned. His grip was tight. He didn't say anything. He took me out of the mess I had created and took me to the other room. Making sure I didn't keep my feet on the broken pieces. "what were you...." He made me sit on the bed. Film posters on the wall. The guitar was kept in the corner and his graduation photo kept on the side table. "Dad doesn't know that I kept you here...please do not do anything stupid."He strolled back and forth between the walls. Biting his nails.  I looked around, my things and bags were kept near the study table. "Yeah...those are your things. I gathered them from the mansion..they were thrown outside..."

I went up limping to the pile of things. Searching for the two most important things. The bracelet that Tara gave and my laptop that had the stolen files. The two things were there in my bag, kept securely. 

"What were you doing Tanvi?" He asked softly. "I know it's hard but...."

"Can you hold me tonight?" I uttered, looking straight to his eyes.

"What?" He was startled.

"Like a man."

"What are you saying?" He looked around and gulped. "Are you in your right mind?"

"You said you love me...didn't you ever dream about holding me?"

"Tanvi..."He breathed heavily. "You need rest. I'll..."

I went closer and caressed his face. I wanted to feel something which was not pain. "Be a man..." I whispered.

"Stop it!" He pushed me. He closed his eyes and squeezed them tight. 

I went even closer and stood up on my toes to press his lips with mine. His hands at once reached around my waist. His breathing was sharp. His heartbeat was fast and throbbing.

He locked the door and pushed me on his bed. He took off his shirt and started undressing me while sucking my lips in between. There was restlessness in his eyes, my eyes calmly looked into his eyes while he gazed at my body. "Are you sure about this? I don't think I can stop if..."

"Yeah...Just do it..." I challenged him. I challenged myself. 

He did it. He got into me. Slow at first and then as fast as he could. As hard as he could. His hips back and forth against my body. My body just rocked along the bed.  I just looked at the ceiling. Thinking about how it was with Tara. He had finally reached his c****x and with the final thrust, "Tara!" I uttered.  Tears rolled out from my eyes.  Vijay was all covered in sweat as he laid on the other side  avoiding eye contact with me. He looked down at my legs. "I'm sorry..." He squealed. 

I looked down. There was blood down there. I got up with great difficulty, holding things my hand could reach. Vijay's hand reached out to me. He carried me to the washroom. 

"Are you alright? Do we need to get to the hospital?" He trembled with fear. 

"No. It's okay..." I said as I washed the cuts. I trembled with pain. "You were right...I am not as strong as I think..."I said. 

"You are stronger than what I thought you to be." He answered. "I love you."

I didn't answer. He stopped talking.

That night we slept on the same bed. Under the same blanket. Not facing each other. Both in fetal position.