Watercolor Girl

13

Evangeline & Nox

I could feel him moving through emotions. I listened to them, anger, and pain, and then an intense pang of sick. I threw my hand up on the dash just before he slammed on the breaks, throwing himself out of the truck and puking in pretty much in the middle of the road. I followed, placing my hand on his back so maybe it would help it pass faster, but it only seemed to irritate him. He snapped at me, I felt immediately vulnerable and like a little pup being yelled at for something I didn’t understand and I pulled my hand away. Nox whimpered in my head. I answered him, but he snapped again and I retreated back a bit further. I don’t know why I feel him so intensely and he can’t feel me. I want him to. I want him to feel all of the wonderful things I feel when he’s around me or touching me. I want him to know that I feel them. I didn’t know I was broken and he couldn’t. He snapped again, searching my face while spitting out whatever it was he was heaving up onto the ground. I knew he was searching for Nox, but it was me. Just me. Broken, boring, me. I knew I was gonna cry, so I ran. I ran as fast as I could into the place I knew the best and that knew me just as well. I ran into the trees, leaning against the steep incline of the mountainside, tearing my clothes off as I went. I kicked of my boots so I could feel the ground as close to my skin as possible. I waited to shed my pants until I was inside the cover of the trees and I shifted, Nox was present, her eyesight far better then mine sprinting through the trunks of trees with a precision I wouldn’t have on my own. I ran until she stopped me, panting heavily in the thin air. “He didn’t mean to. He’s confused” - “I can’t do anything right! He doesn’t even like me! In less than 5 days…” - “I know my little one. I know what he did. But you know that isn’t fair.” I curled myself up into a tight ball, whimpering and whining. “It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to the mate bond, it isn’t fair that it isn’t fair and it isn’t his fault. It isn’t fair that he showed up at my house that night and wanted me before discarding me when he realized…” - “when he realized what?” - “I don’t know?! That I’m not normal.” - “he’s trying”. - “he’s trying what?! To sabotage me?! To hurt me? Because he’s hurting me.” - “ I know.” - “what am I doing wrong?” I should have just stayed out in the woods by myself. I never should have opened the door.” - “but you did.” - “WHY?” - “because we were lonely and wanted to be loved.” - “but he doesn’t love us Nox. He mated us then immediately mated someone else. I know that it wasn’t that simple, but I don’t understand why he didn’t stop it. At least I tried.” - “because he’s kind and he isn’t you. He isn’t a warrior, little Evie” - “kind to everyone but me? Because it doesn’t feel like he’s being kind to me” - “he isn’t perfect. But he’s trying.” - “But isn’t that how this works? No one is perfect but you’re perfect for each other. Isn’t that the idea? Isn’t that the promise?” - “when has anyone ever kept a promise to you, little one?” - “you do. It was better when it was just us.” - “was it?” - “I didn’t feel inadequate.” - “why didn’t you look at your tattoo? Or his?” - “I don’t know.” - “maybe you should.”

I shifted, sitting under a tree naked, again, for the 2nd time in a day. I looked down, “I can’t see it.” Nox shifted our vision and I could see it. I started to cry and immediately shifted back, curling into the same tight ball that I had been in before.

“Maybe there’s more truth to that then you realize, little one, you asked him for the first thing he could think of, and that was it. Don’t you think maybe there’s a reason?” - “I don’t know what to do. Everything I do just makes him angry.” - “little one, why don’t you realize what you’re doing?” - “WHAT AM I F*****G DOING, NOX?! IF YOU KNOW THEN TELL ME!’” - “you spent years away, isolating yourself. Choosing to be alone. You learned things that others don’t learn in that time. You learned how to block out the world. You blocked linking, you blocked feeling, you blocked it all. When he showed up he forced you to feel because that’s the way it works, and you enjoyed it, you enjoyed having feelings. Maybe you’ve figured out how to let them in, but maybe you haven’t mastered how to really turn the block off and let them out. Maybe you need to actually let him in if you want him to understand you and maybe you need to actually let him feel you as you are. Not without a censor.”

I got up and started to run again. Back the way I came. It was quicker running downhill, gravity working with me. When I got to the spot, I found my clothes, folded neatly, just as I always left them, as he’s seen me leave them. “He does care for you.” - “I know.” I sniffed at the air, and up and down the road before collecting my clothing in my mouth and sprinting up higher into the mountains.

Lev & Til

I pulled up into the drive and parked, remembering the e - break on this incline. This day 99/Lev 1. I bought this place 3 years ago. I never knew why. I’d only been up here a handful of times and I mostly rented it out. Something about it. I’d stopped renting it the past few months because every time I came up all I could smell was others people’s s*x and I got tired of it. Why should the world not be lonely when I was lonely. Pitiful. I reached up into one of the beams supporting the wrap around deck grabbing the keys that most people wouldn’t be able to reach to search for and let myself in. No s*x, just oak with hints of cedar. I’d spent more time actually furnishing and decorating this place then I had my wing and I sat here shoving wood into the fireplace I pondered why.

“Because you knew you’d find her.” - “you’re not being helpful so please go away.” - “no.” - “why do you do this?” - “do what exactly.” - “communicate badly.” - “I’m sitting here having an argument with a voice in my head and you’re asking me why I communicate poorly?” - “she was trying to help.” - “I know.” - “then why did you yell at her?” - “I don’t know.” - “maybe you should be wondering that and not why you built a home that she would love before you even knew she existed.” - “I’ve always known she existed.” - “how?” - “because, Til, it was hard not to know she existed when they kicked him out of the pack and he went crazy”- “that isn’t always.” - “that isn’t even half of our life.” - “everyone has a mate. Not everyone finds them but we all have one. Some people even get lucky and have second chance mates. It’s a crazy concept, I know, but it’s true. I was lonely, and I had nothing better to do then focus on something like this.” - “Evie will love this.” - “yeah she will.” - “you made it for her. Because you knew.” - “or because it’s secluded and a wonderful place to f**k and I was probably horny or something like that.” - “is that all it is.” - “yeah probably.” - “I don’t like you.” - “well I don’t like me either.” - “Evie likes you.” - “shut up Til.” - “no” - “you built a home 3 hours to drive just to f**k.” - “yep.” - “is that all that Evie is.” - “goddess I hate you.” - “is that why you f****d Ravyn?” - “SHUT UP! - “no.” - “I didn’t f**k her. I never wanted her.” - “but you just wanted to f**k” - “WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT!?!” - “you wanted Evie.” - “I don’t even know who she is. I don’t know WHAT she is. I don’t know.” - “she’s your mate. And Nox is mine.” - “Nox is f*****g scary. Ok. First of all, she’s 300 times bigger then she should be. It’s biologically impossible how big she is. Second, what the hell with her eyes. What is that even? Third, she’s seriously the strongest wolf that ever walked the planet, not only is she ridiculously strong, but she’s fast. We’re bigger than she is, and she outruns us like the rabbit outruns the turtle. Her temper is completely out of control and she lashes out. I can’t even get into Nox, but it’s probably good you never mated her, because you’d probably die.” - “when was Nox out of control?” - “umm gee, Til, do you not remember wrestling her down after she literally threatened to kill someone. Nothing rational does that. And, I have a feeling, she got scary with Alpha too. Considering here with are with time to kill for the rest of the week.” - “so Nox got mad because someone hurt her mate, and then, when her mate wanted to mate her, she said no, because she didn’t want to hurt her already hurting mate. And then, when Alpha said she had to leave her mate again like she did when her mate got hurt. Nox got mad. Nox is out of control but when Evie touched you to make you feel better, you yelled in her face. And Nox didn’t protect Evie. Nox didn’t protect Evie from her mate that Evie and Nox protected. That Evie and Nox went into the war to protect. But Nox is out of control. Nox is out of control because she let Evie’s mate scare her enough to send her into fight or flight, and then just leave her somewhere on the side of a mountain, without even trying to link her, to at the very least tell her where she is. Nox is out of control because even the wolf who makes tattoos knows Evie is alone in this world, and her mate just left her where he knows rogues are, because the wolf at the shop TOLD HIM. Maybe Nox is out of control, because she’s the only one who protects Evie and Evie and Nox make us stronger because they’re stronger. Evie and Nox are a gift that was given to us and us alone. Evie and Nox are special. You’re right Lev, you never deserved them.”

This day 100/Lev 1

Evangeline

“Evie.” His voice glides through my head.

“I’m sorry.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been this far up. Please don’t be mad at me. I know I’m not a good mate. But I promise I’ll fix it.”

“Are you near the road?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll come find you stay by the road. Stay in the woods and just listen for the truck. Don’t shift until you hear it.

“Ok.”

I continued to walk, just inside the wood line, following the road. Listening for his truck. It doesn’t take too long. Faint at first. When it sounds roughly a mile out.

“I can hear you. About a mile but the acoustics are different up here. I might be off some.”

“Ok tell me when you see it.” I’m sitting at the edge of the road watching. Like he told me to do. I link him when I see him.

“I see you, wait there”. I trot up and hop in the bed.

“Sit up here, Evie.”

“My clothes are covered in drool and I don’t want to be naked again. I can just ride back here.”

“I have a hoodie. I would like you up here, with me. Please?”

“Pass it through, and please don’t watch me shift.” The back window opens and he passes back the hoodie. I lay in the bed of the truck and shift, immediately cold outside of my wolf form. I pull on his hoodie that smells so strongly of him, it could be a dress, it goes nearly down to my knees. I roll out of the back of his truck, and climb into the passenger’s seat again. Not looking at him, even though I can feel his eyes on me. As soon as I close the door he reaches over and grabs me and pulls me to him. He plants kisses all over my face and presses his nose into my neck. Just as quickly as he grabbed me, he lets me go. He turns the truck around. Driving back up the mountain. I’m cold, but I don’t want to tell him. So I just sit quietly while he drives in the dark until he pulls into a steep driveway. He parks, steps on the e-break shuts all the lights off and pauses for a moment.

“Wait a minute, I’ll get you out.” He gets out and opens my door, lifting me out of the truck and kicking the door shut. He carries me up to the house, and inside before depositing me on my feet in the nearly pitch black house, locking the door, and wrapping me in his arms. I don’t understand what is going on again. He was so angry at me. And I don’t want to touch him if it’s going to make him angry. He lifts me up again, carrying me through the house in silence, up stairs, moving gracefully as he does until he places me on a very soft blanket on a very soft bed. He kneels down in front of me and wraps his arms around me with his ear to my stomach. I keep my hands to the sides, even though I really want to hold him back.

“Evie. I haven’t been very good to you. I’ve failed you in every way since we found each other. Every terrible way that I could hurt you, I have. I wasn’t faithful, and I violated the bond and the promise I made to you when I marked you.”

“Lev, you didn’t.”

“I did. I kissed her, and I held her, and I touched her in places that violated your trust and faith in me as a mate, before it got out of hand. I did those things. I kissed her back. And I put my arms around her and pulled her body to mine. And I kissed her other places, and put my hands on other places willingly, that they should only be on you. What she did was wrong. And it hurt me, but I still participated in at least a part of it. And I’m sorry.

“I’ll never blame you for that.”

“Well you should. Evie. And in addition to that. Because of that. You sat out in the woods for hours by yourself locked away from Nox and Nox away from you. I let you sit by yourself in the dark waiting for me when I should have been there, waiting for you. You continue to make excuses for my poor behavior, because you’re kind and you love me, when I’ve done absolutely nothing to earn or reciprocate that love. Nox went out there for us, to protect all of the pack, the pack neither of you wanted anything to do with but moved to because I asked you to for the sake of my job, my job, that I don’t even want. And instead of being there, when she needed me, I let her sit alone in the woods, waiting, when she needed me so badly to be there. I failed, and I kept failing. When you got out of the truck to be with me, and you tried to make me feel better because my own actions made me physically ill, I had the audacity to speak harshly to you and say terrible things that I knew would hurt you. I went out of my way, to dig my claws into your insecurities. Evie, I know you don’t intentionally block me out, I know you don’t. I know you’ve been doing it for so long to protect yourself that you struggle to let it down. I know. You’re so advanced that where others can’t stop their emotions, you are learning how to share yours. And the wolf who should be encouraging that, is giving you even more of a reason to fortify it. I know that you struggle with the things that make you and Nox different from every other wolf on this planet. I know that you’re afraid to show people Nox. I know that’s why you don’t let her leave the woods, you keep her hidden in the wood line, or under the cover of darkness. I knew these things, and I used them as a weapon against you to hurt you. Instead of telling you that Nox is unique, and beautiful because she’s wild and brilliant and fierce, I made you feel like she’s a mistake. That you’re a mistake. And then. I leave you in completely unfamiliar territory. Scared, and upset and essentially lost. Hundreds of miles from your home. I just leave you on the side of the road. I do this, knowing there are rogues out here. The biggest rogues that another wolf has ever seen. And I’ve f****d this up so terribly bad, that you apologize to me and tell me that you’ll be a better mate. That you’ll fix this. Evie I’ve treated you so terribly. Irreparably terrible. I don’t deserve anything from you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve your compassion. I sure as hell don’t deserve to have you as a mate. And I don’t deserve the love that you so willingly give to me. But I am begging you to please let me try to make this up to you. I will spend our next 100 lives, loving you the way you deserve to be loved, and appreciating you for everything that you are. And I promise on everything that I hold dear in this world to never let anything hurt you again. I promise that I will stand beside you through every single battle you fight from this moment forward I will not fail you like I have so consistently done since you gave yourself to me.

Lev

A monumental wave of pain hits me so hard I can barely breathe. Every single nerve in my body screams as it radiated through every cell, every bone, every muscle. Her hand touches me and I can see the pain. It paints pictures at the back of my eyes. I hold her tighter in my arms.

“Evie if I can take it all away and carry it for you I will. For the rest of my life.” Her hands find my neck and then they wrap around followed by her arms, she’s crying, silently, but I can feel her little sobs and I can feel her tears on my neck. I hold her as tight as I can, so tight I feel like I might break her. But I can’t let her go, because if I do I might never get to hold her again. So I just hold her for as long as she’ll let me.

“I love you so much.” Her voice is a tiny hoarse whisper.

“I know you do, and I’m so sorry for hurting you and asking you to give me another chance when I know I don’t deserve it. I love you Evangeline. I love everything you are. You’re my safe place in this world, my home, and all the beauty in my world.”

Her mouth found mine tentatively and with such great hesitation that a trickle of guilt began to flow. It was my fault she hesitated to touch me at all. But when her lips touched mine there was an explosion of lightening, running from my mouth to my spine, to my fingers and toes. It almost dwarfed the white light that had exploded through me when she marked me, and that was supposed to be one of the most explosive aspects of the fated bond. She felt everything more intensely by multiples, touch and emotion I’m sure were not the only heightened senses she had and I wondered exactly how much more evolved she was then a normal wolf, what she had wasn’t normal in a wonderful, overwhelming, and absolutely thrilling sort of way. I kissed her harder, and when my hands made contact with her jaw, the lightening burst from my fingertips moving inward and amplifying the flames the lightening from her mouth had sent through my body.

“Is this how it’s always felt for you?” She nods and wipes at her nose and in a moment of reflection I realized just how painful things were for her. When Rayvn kissed me, where it hurt me and caused discomfort, it probably laid waste to Evangeline’s mouth in a blaze of uncontrollable flames. I remembered her gulping her steaming coffee down like it was nothing warmer then tepid water and if that was her better alternative it said much wordlessly about how very strongly the previous actually affected her physically.

“Lev?” Her voice was so tiny.

“Hm?” The lightening she was sending through my body made me feel almost drunk.

“Nox wants to talk to Til.” So I receded, and then she had Til. Normally, you control your perception when you’re in your background. I can stay present enough to see and hear what occurs when Til is in control or I can recede far enough away that I’m not, but I lose the connection, in the background in any percentage I can only connect to Til, as Til controls all of the primary functions of the body when he’s in the forefront of it. I can’t link I receded back, far enough to let him be in total control without my presence at all. He obviously understood all of this better than I did, and he deserved his privacy.

“Lev.” If I had a body to startle I would have.