Santa

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The Brighton sea air was cold but bright. She felt guilty for being there, being free in somehow stolen hours with a man she shouldn’t be with. Justin had taken her hand as they’d thrown pebbles into the waves beating onto the shore. He looked like any other young man but she guessed his mental age was about six or seven, from what she knew of other kids she carried on the bus with Irene. She wanted to find out more but didn’t want to talk in front of the boy. They strolled up the pier and watched while he played arcade games. Then Max took her hand. Like they were an item, like that was how she was beginning to feel. She’d invited him to take it with a quick glance and a smile but of course she could deny that to herself if she wanted to. If she wanted to. He squeezed it with a firm gentleness a couple of times to signal an understanding and a thanks. How could she know that? How could she have tuned to a man by a banal moment holding his hand. This man was a bastard. She was a lonely woman heading for forty-two. It was obvious she was just like a stupid kid believing that Santa came and that you could fall in love. Naive lonely people were always gulled in by crooks. A cop like her would see it straightaway wouldn’t she? Her marriage had ended four years ago but it wasn’t until a few days ago that she’d felt exposed and alone. Her heart had re-opened but so had the box of fear and insecurity. If only he would take her in his arms and hold her. If only she could walk away back to her manageable life.

And then the bastard did it. He pulled her round to face him and held her. No s****l lunge or forced kiss but a hug, a cry out to another person, a cry out to be held and validated as a someone to somebody. Wordlessly he clung to her as she clung to him letting her joy and fear sob onto his shoulder. His hand was stroking her dark, bobbed hair. This bastard was taking her and just at this moment she couldn’t stop him. She’d kill anyone who tried to stop her living this emotion. He held her away for a moment, searching her wet eyes.

“Maybe I should be sorry to make you cry,” he said.

“It’s not you. It was happiness.”

“Then it must have been me who made you happy.”

This time she herself pulled him back and his truly powerful arms brought her close to him and wrapped around her.

“What’s happening here?” he asked in a deep voice as his cheek pressed against the top of her head.

“I’ll take the fifth. No one has to incriminate themselves.”

“I’m so happy you came today. That night at the yard wasn’t good. Look, I don’t like the police. I was angry you’d let that guy get away and I was angry you’d stood up to me.”

“’Cause I’m a woman?”

“I’m going to be honest and say yes to that. Yes, I’m that sort of man. A man has fear of me. What can I do with a lovely woman?”

“You can liberate those poor people who work for you.”

“I wanted to talk about you and me today, but I saw yesterday you truly care about others. We’ll talk fully on Tuesday. It’s not a simple issue.”

“I do know that.”

“If you kick over a basket of poisonous snakes you can’t afford a single one to be left.”

“We’ll talk,” she said into his chest.

Justin had come back. Max took one of his hands and Paula took the other. They ambled back along the promenade in the dusk of a winter’s evening. It sure felt like happiness.

“Can you come for a quick drink before I drop you home?” he asked.

They were on the edge of London. She’d so much enjoyed being with him and Justin that she really didn’t want to go home. All the same she wanted to keep a line drawn.

It would be a mistake to agree to it.

“Yeah, I’d love to, thanks.”

He glanced across at her. The Bentley was wide and while he was driving he kept his eyes on the road. For a civilian he drove well. He exuded a competence. He would always be the guy to take command in a crisis.”

“We’ve got a rabbit,” said Justin

“I hope you’re going to show me.”

“He eats the doormat.”

“And the table legs and the door,” added Max, laughing.

“He’s naughty.”

“He’s a rabbit,” she commented.

The house was luxurious but unfussy. For sure it was no show home, with scattered toys and the untidiness of family life. There was the predictable huge TV, the marble work-topped kitchen with fancy island, the large dining room with posh chairs. Max busied himself with fixing a meal for Justin.

“I’ll get him off to bed and we can relax for a minute,” he said.

She raised an eyebrow. Well, she’d put her head in the lion’s mouth. The problem was that she was more afraid of her own potential than of his. The lad hugged her as he said goodnight. Maybe his whole life would unfold with his present innocence? Puberty would change him and the world out there placed little value on open simplicity. At last, Max handed her a single malt whisky with ice. He cleared a space from clutter and joined her on the sofa, sipping a Coke. He lay back his head and sighed.

“Where are we now, where are we now?” he sang in a Bowie imitation.

“That’s not a bad question, Max.”

“I guess you want to talk about the workers at Meadowchef?”

“I do, but not exclusively.”

He turned to her with a look in his eye that held her, wanted her. He reached out and stroked her cheek. She leaned her head into his large strong hand. The power of him took away her own will, like that moment before sleep. She felt his lips. Oh God, the feel of his lips, the warmth and tenderness of his touch. He stroked along her jawline and drew her in with an overwhelming gentleness. Could she ever open her eyes? The more she left them closed, the more he would know his power to control her. Deep inside her she was warmed by a physical response, but she didn’t want that distraction. Her own lips searched to know the landscape of this man. She guessed he was watching her, gaining that prize of her compliance and need. She peeked out to find him closed in his own world of her, drawing a joy from her. She ran her hand back across his cropped hair. The feel of fur thrilled her, almost jolted a sense of urgency to feel his flesh, to possess his body. As he moved away he was smiling, never losing the hold of her eyes.

“Oh dear,” she said.

“Oh dear indeed, my dear.”

“Where are we now, where are we now?”

He let out a long sigh.

“I don’t know, but I do know where I’m going to be.”

“Where?”

“I’m going to be taking you home.”

“Did I fail the kiss test?”

“You failed the temptation test. I’m the opposite s*x you see. No woman has the right to do that to a man.”

“It was an accident. I didn’t mean to.”

“A first kiss is so sad because there can never be another one. I want to keep this last moment just as a sealed thing inside myself. I don’t want to lose it in a hundred kisses.”

She studied him. She understood him completely. She’d taken him for a brute and a bully albeit a sexy, desirable one. Now what was she dealing with?

“When would you like the next ninety-nine?”

“Just keep them warm for Tuesday, unless my conduct has put you off.”

“I’m not sure if you’re a perfect gentleman or a perfect con man playing a longer game.”

“Either way I’m perfect then.”

“Thanks for today. I needed, well, I needed a break.”

“Was that all you needed?”

“Look, Max, I don’t know you and you’ve stormed into my life and if I started, you’d have a whole box of stuff tipped out on this floor.”

“And just look at the state of the place already.”

“Take me home before I double park in your first kiss space.”

He lowered his eyes, stood up, and stroked her hair. He was so right not to push further. She’d not met any man like this before. If he’d touched or held her, she would have had no resistance.

“How can you leave Justin to drive me home?”

“There’s a self-contained annex and I have a housekeeper. I know the place is a mess but I like it to be a home. When I’m away on business or at the stables, things get kind of womanized. Justin’s not too tidy and we man out together.”

“You love him so much, don’t you?”

“Sure. I’m guessing you know some of my history?”

“Max, I did read your Wiki entry.”

“It’s not too far off the whole truth. Yes, he was born to my ex-wife. We’d tried for a baby you know. This is where you put the obvious question.”

She knew what that question would be. Was there DNA proof of parentage?

“If you know the question, what’s the answer?”

“The answer is that he was born to my ex-wife. She’d been a woman I’d loved. I don’t love her now but that boy is like that kiss we just had. He came from a particular context of time and there he’s fixed. You might have kissed me wishing it was some other man. I might have kissed you wanting just to get you to bed. You know we can all look up at the stars and tear apart any meaning to this tiny life on this little planet. But a helpless babe looking up at you is a universe and a betrayal is a f*****g super nova explosion to break your heart. I walked away from that episode of my life with some love still in my soul. I left the bitterness to the lawyers and no, I’ve never done a DNA test.”

She couldn’t answer him. Tears burned behind her eyes. He was so wise, so different from the man she’d first met. She pulled him to her in a way that she’d never handled a man. He felt so strong, so tireless and hard. She wasn’t ready to intrude into his emotions. She sensed a swirl of pride, ambition, and dominance in his psyche. Although he could think reflectively she was sure he could lash out in passion and you might not want to be there.

“Max, thanks so much for letting me inside like that.”

“It’s nothing. I can get real boring. You can’t leave me wallowing in my own selfish mess. Give me somewhere to start to unravel your ball of string?”

“I had a husband and a best friend. Now they’re an item and I’m not.”

“Easy solution. Fall in love with your best friend and marry them.”

“She was a girl.”

“Times have changed. Anyone can be anything.”

“Not me.”

“So how did it leave you feeling?”

She was still holding him. She sighed and he seemed to sense her soft abandon into him. He pulled her to his chest and again he stroked her hair.

“It left me feeling ashamed. Shame is when you put yourself in others’ eyes and know how they’re seeing you. You kind of live in that other-mindedness that you f****d up and everyone knows it. That feeling hardens like a jagged broken bone heals, you don’t want to move it. Everyone pats your back and one day all the doctors go away and you’re alone.”

“And now?”

“That’s where I’ve stayed. You get used to not poking the wound. Your system closes down. You allow yourself anger because that’s respectable. The loneliness hardens into a shame, like that no one wanted you. Max, I’m not making sense. I’d never talk like this, making me sound like some sort of desperate psycho bitch.”

Still he held her.

“Thanks for letting me inside like that.”

His voice was deep and vibrated into her cheek

“We kind of started in the deep end didn’t we?”

“Always swim up toward the light. I’ll hold your hand, if you’ll hold mine,” he said.