Gray Daze

Cerealia

Eva

We finish earlier on Fridays, so we hang out after school with Chloe and Chris. Jeremy and Max came with us too, but Max has a game later and can't stay much. Jeremy turned out to be way more patient than me when explaining Victorian Classics, although he didn't look like it at first. I'm heading home, it's almost 4 pm -mom should still be at work.

Rudy's wandering around, so she comes my way and gives me the usual sniff and a lick on the hand.

"Did I pass the security check for today?"

I scratch her behind the ears and once she's had enough, I'm good to go. I put the key in the locker and discover the door's open. Then I see the shoes my mom went out with this morning. I go inside and see her lying on the couch, covered under a blanket. You've got to be kidding me.

"Mom?" Don't tell me she got fired again. "Hey, Mom? Are you ok?"

She pokes her head out of the cover and says, her voice hoarse. "I don't feel very well so they let me go home for the day."

"Just for today?"

I know I should ask if everything's fine, or if she's ill but this has happened before. More than once. Last time she didn't even make it to the six months necessary for a permanent contract before she quit. I was really hoping this time everything would be different. I guess it's not. 

"Just for today, yes," she says. "I really like this job and I promise I'm doing my best there. I just don't feel well today."I sit next to her on the narrow sofa.

"Do you want me to go get you something from the pharmacy?"

"No, don't worry. I already took a pill and I'll get some sleep."

"Okay. Uh...I'll be upstairs if you need me for something."

"You're such a good girl, Eva." My mom takes my hand into hers and I try to wriggle away. 

"Right, so ...yeah."

"Is everything all right at school? I know we don't have much time to talk since I started work."

"Everything's fine. it's fine.  Now go back to sleep."

I kiss her and head for my room.

Guilt washes all over me as I climb the stairs.

She's sober and probably doesn't feel well for real this time. It's just that when someone you know was an alcoholic, it's very difficult for them to get your trust back. I can't get rid of the suspicion she doesn't lie to me. I used to check all cupboards, cups, trash once I suspected she was back at it. But I won't do that now, I'm learning to trust her.

                                                          * * *

I'm reading when a few hours later I get a message. Christina.

"Tonight. At Max's. We won :)"

'We.'

Meaning Jared and her are back together.  I don't really want to go, but I don't have much to do either. Besides reading, which is always more fun than anything.

"Jeremy promised to come too. It'll be fun, I promise." her next message says.

"What time?"

"Around ten. " Then I get another.

"I'll come to pick you up

and

"We're going cute."

"Ok?"

They're definitely back together, then. I send only an

"Ok".

As if I can be cute.

The thought Nathan might be there too crosses my mind- he's been hanging out with Jared quite often lately.

Chris didn't say anything about him, and I didn't ask either. I haven't told her about what happened on the rooftop, because it doesn't matter. Plus if I do, she'll start asking what I was doing there and I can't really explain. It's not something I tell people. This brings my mind to the bigger issue- that he had to see all that. How worse could it have been. He's probably already forgotten, though. I take a shower and try to make something with my hair. It's gotten quite long- same dull brown color as my eyes. My mom doesn't let me cut it - says I don't look good with my hair short. Not that the longer one looks better on me. I hate all the clothes I try, I feel like half my jeans are squeezing me in the wrong places and T-shirts make my breasts look terrible.

I- hate -absolutely- everything.

Who am I even kidding?

Cute? Bullshit, I'm not going.And then I get a message

"On my waay"

No. I can't set her up like this.Anyway, everyone will look at Christina, or Cloe, or Maddison or whoever. I tell my mother bye and head for the door.

"Are you going dressed like that?" she says and props herself on her elbow. "Really, Eva?"

"Why, what's wrong?"

Before she criticizes me I hear Chris is already at the door. Chris is the only person who's come to my house, or the only person I've ever invited. My mother doesn't have many friends and the little relatives we have live in Ontario. I guess they don't want to have much to do with us.

I've always been worried someone might show up if my mother was drunk and I've done my best to avoid that at all cost. Chris hasn't seen her during her episodes, and she's never asked any questions, although I sometimes feel like she knows not everything's perfect with Mom. After all, there should be a reason for someone not to work,or keep in touch with anyone for years. 

"Hey, Chris" I knew she'd be all dressed up.

"Hey, Eva. Nice lipstick."

"It's my mom's. " It's a very old one she bought years ago and never wore, by the way. " Thanks. Should I change?"

"What, no. You're fine."

"Wait, I'll be quick. 5 minutes tops, I swear"

"Evaaaa, we are going to be late!"

Despite the protest, she comes in and waits for me in the kitchen. I try to fix my hair once again, so I put the red ribbon I got the other day /the one Mom said I'd never wear therefore I shouldn't have bought /on and although I'm not sure if it matches the creamy dress and the Converse I'm wearing I simply don't have time to stress about it.

                                                     * * *

"f*****g finally, " Jared says as we come in and kisses Christina. She pulls back, although I see she's not actually pissed off.

"Are you drunk already?" Chris makes a face at him and he leans towards her again for another smooch.

"We won, baby."

While I'm wondering how come she forgave him everything he did to her, I see Nathan.

Right. He is here. 

Nathan's lying on the ground, his elbow propped on one of the cushions scattered around. I've always thought the huge living room Max's parents have is too-hippie decorated, but that's the first time I kind of like it. He's smoking and the two girls sitting next to him are giggling about something. Max's sitting cross-legged opposite them, strumming something on his guitar. Both his parents are musicians and I have no idea why he's on the team, but he seems to be very bad at music, so hockey was probably the only other option he had for an extracurricular activity. They're talking about something and I struggle to hear what it is, when Nathan 's  voice travels to me over the others' . 

"s*x? f**k that, why's everyone so obsessed with that, anyway? Seriously, I'd rather get high or something."

The hoe- girls exchange a look when he looks up and that's when Nathan notices me.