Losses

Journey to a place of peace

"Help me slice the carrots and don't allow the chicken to burn".

I expected this, mum can never cook without my assistance. I don't blame her though, my carrot slicing prowess is second to none. I had so mastered this art that I can comfortably slice a trailer load of carrot, without fatigue. Bit by bit, little by little the finely sliced cuties are ready.

But why me?

Her daughter is seeing a movie in the sitting room and I'm nursing a baby. She should get her fat butt off the sofa and come get things done.

Her daughter, my sister-in-law is fat -I mean the fat way- Lazy, unkind, and mean. The first thing I noticed about her was her cute dimpled cheek, that was when her brother brought me home for Christmas last year. Then, I was just a girlfriend.

I started seeing her fat when mum called her fat. Since then, I could notice her belly in four overlapping layers, her upper arm with a large skin bag, and her jaw tripled.

I wanted to bond with her, she has never had a sister all her life and I wanted to be one, I would be one after all but in-law. I wanted something deeper, more connection but I guess my presence made her feel so inferior.

She is 30, unmarried and mum never stops to taunt her. I am young, hourglass-shaped, married to her brother, and have a kid. A perfect competition, so she thought.

" Welcome home son," mum said with a beaming smile. One could tell she loves her son so much.

Bambam doesn't need to be reminded to help me carry his child. He untied her from my back and carried her so warmly the way he usually does.

"How are you, babe?

"I'm good, mum keeps me good".

"Yeah, I know she would. Let me be with Tonia in the sitting room, she needs company", Bambam said and left.

If one person loves Tonia exceptionally, it's Bambam. I love the way he loves her, she deserves to be loved.

We had dinner in a fun way; loud laughter and catching up with the past. Tanya and I never spoke a word to each other and I felt uncomfortable when Mum complimented my flat tummy no matter what I ate. Tonia had unspoken words.

"Tee, I think you should cut down on your calorie, just see the way..."

Mum wasn't done talking before Tanya stormed out of the dining hall.

Bambam wasn't happy, Dad wasn't happy either and me? I wasn't happy too.

"Darling, You should try to take it easy on Tee, she is hurt by your constant picking on her" Dad said.

"But I told her the truth, her body weight is unhealthy, you should know that too".

" Yes, I Know. But not the way you do it. I think you are overreacting or don't you guys think so? Dad said looking at Bambam and me for support.

Bambam nodded.

I couldn't say anything, I have to be on Mum's good side.

We had the rest of the dinner in silence till I gave Bambam a sign to come to help me take Baby B to bed. My baby loves to sleep off after a good and heavy meal.

"You should consider talking to my wife about body-shaming Tanya, I think she will get it more if it comes from a woman". Dad said to me while I was clearing the table.

Ok, Dad.

Bambam helped me do the dishes and I knew he wanted to say something, but I didn't like to talk about Tonia and he respects that.

That night, I heard Tanya sob so hard that my heart broke. I could imagine the pains she went through and the fact that she thinks I'm a competition makes it worse. She was so hurt and I felt guilty. I wish she could let me be a sister.

How would I say that I understand her pain? I have never been body shamed before so I guess I don’t know what she feels right now but one thing I can say is that I know how it feels to be rejected especially by one you think should have your back.

When I was in high school I wasn’t brilliant in class and I had a younger sister who was great at her grades. Though I was prettier, she was very intelligent. During the holidays, mum will always rub it on my face that my sister is doing better than I am in class, that I only had a pretty face but an empty skull.

That was a painful experience, but I think body shaming is a more painful one, because while I can study and get better at my grades you can’t really do anything to change your body apart from surgery, and that is something a lot of people would not want to do. So, I would still be safe to say I feel what Tonia feels right now.

Early in the morning the next day I tried to talk to Tanya on her way down the stairs.

It wasn’t as if I didn’t know how to turn on the generator or I could have asked Bambam to do that, which he would gladly do, but I just wanted to talk to Tonia. I just wanted to talk to her.

“Hi Tee, good morning. Please can you come show me how to turn on the generator, I need to blend tomatoes for stew this morning.

She ignored me like she always does and I wasn’t bothered.

“ Sorry Tee, please can you help me turn on the generator,” I said almost stuttering .

She didn’t answer me instead she gave me this deadly look that made my feet shake.

Once again, she has proven that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me and I respect that. Henceforth, I won't try to make Tanya feel comfortable with me neither will I try to be kind to her because obviously she doesn’t need me.

“Hey Tee, your eyes are swollen. Did you see a tragic movie that made you cry? Bambam tried to pretend like he didn’t know what made her cry.

“I’m OK bro”, she said.

That was me hearing her speak for the first time that morning.

“hey babe I was looking for you all over, do you need anything?

“ yeah sure, I said, “I need help with the generator I can’t seem to now to turn it on and I need to blend tomatoes for food”.

“ Always acting like she’s a good one”, I heard Tanya mutter.

I ignored her, I’ve chosen to ignore her forever. Even if she cried blood I wouldn’t try to be nice to her ever again.

Bambam helped me with the generator and the Stew was done, the aroma was what brought Dad downstairs and he requested for breakfast.

“you're a good cook my daughter, no wonder my son has added a lot of weight”.

“Thanks Dad, I feed your son well. I  wouldn’t want him to be fat though because fat doesn’t look good on anyone”. I said.

Bambam and dad turned to look at me , perplexed. They didn’t believe I was the one who just said what they heard.

It was obvious that I tried to get back at Tanya for ignoring me earlier and I felt bad immediately, this is not me, I am not this mean.

"Babe , you shouldn’t have said that, Bambam said, “I guess you were joking right?

 “Yes, I was. Don’t mind me I was just teasing, breakfast is ready”.

We had breakfast without Tanya because she left the house after what I said

Home was gradually losing it’s taste to Tanya.

“ We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas…”, the choir sang.

“You have a lovely voice, I heard a brown-skinned tall guy tell Tanya after the Christmas Carol she sang.

 She beamed with smile, I haven’t seen Tanya smile this way before, I haven’t seen Tonya smile at all

“Merry Christmas.

“Merry Christmas auntie”.

“It's so good to see you again, wow Bambam looks so well fed, you are doing a good work on him.

“ Thank you auntie, Bambam makes it so easy to love him”.

“Your baby is so cute and well-fed too, please make sure she doesn’t grow fat, if not you might have to carry her alone”, she said reaching out to touch baby B's chubby cheeks.

“Don’t worry auntie, I won’t allow that happen. I would just make sure she’s chubby and well fed she wouldn’t get fat. It just dawned on me that the word “ fat” has been coming out of my mouth quite a lot and I have to make do I have to do away with it

Christmas was beautiful at least I saw Tanya smile a lot, she even laughed so loud.

Her friend Cameron came visiting. He’s a nice guy but looks quite funny. He had braces on a set of brown teeth, and he talks very fast like someone with hot potatoes in his mouth. The shape of his head looks like an inverted triangle and he keeps dread, very scanted dreads that are not a good sight. I had wondered what their children would look like if they ever got married but a man like Cameroon would just want to be friends with Tanya and not marry her, so I thought.

“I will be leaving for Miami, ” Cameron said.

“Miami? so soon? wow I didn’t see this coming”.

"But Tanya, I told you I’d be leaving the country soon yeah, though I admit I didn’t tell you it was this soon.

 Tanya’s countenance changed, I could see that she was so aad. Cameron has been her friend since childhood and apart from Bambam he is one person that truly understands her.

I’ll miss you a lot Cameron, I'll miss you so much,  she said and hugged him so tightly, I could feel a surge of emotions and I wanted to cry.

Tanya saw Cameron off after he has had lunch, she came back very sad and she went straight into her room I didn’t bother going to check on her because I knew she was crying her eyes sore.

That night she didn’t come downstairs for dinner, Bambam had to take her dinner upstairs and after knocking for some time and she wouldn't open door, he left the food in front of her door.

“ I think you should try to your sister, she's being too has how herself”, I told Bambam while we were cuddled up in bed.

“ Okay babe, but I haven’t heard you showshows concern for Tanya before, I’m glad that you care about her”, he said to me.

“ I will talk to her, I think she needs some time out of this house. I might get her a vacation outside the country.

“That’s thoughtful honey, I think she needs time away from the house, especially from mum”, I whispered.

We laughed.

Mum is the villain but we act as if it she isn’t.

That night I dreamt that Tanya was getting married to Cameroon and she wore a black wedding gown. she had a smile on her face but not the bridal smile, it was a sorrowful smile.

                                               ************************

Black is a beautiful color and I wonder why people wear it for burials.

I think the black dress on mum really complements her complexion because she looked stunning, who would believe that she is mourning her only daughter Tanya.

Suicide!

Tanya took her own life, I guess she couldn’t take it anymore because life was meaningless. Who wouldn’t do the same I mean she was constantly picked on.

Home was no safe place for her. she lost both the comfort of the home and the peace she would have everywhere else.

Tanya has been bullied from high school, Bambam had told me. Her classmates would laugh at her and she would be so sad that she would go two days without eating. Once, he had to beat up a senior boy who called her fat and ugly.

She had no friend except Cameron.

“Mom needs her spectacles her eyes are quite swollen”, I told Bambam. “please could you help her get it in her room?

"Sure dear, he said and dashed upstairs.

He came down some minutes later and handed the spectacles to mum, helped her tighten her scarf. She didn’t smile like she will always do whenever she is assisted by her most loved son.

Is mum really in pains? I mean, if Tanya is lying in the grave right now 90% of the blame goes to her. How would a mother treat her own child that way.

Yes, Tanya seemed useless, overweight, not married and so on but the very place, her solace, where she could get peace, was the same place that took peace away from her. For the first time, I was truly angry.

We took a last look at her face in the coffin before she was lowered into the grave, and for the last time I imagined the first time I saw her, she had a beautiful smile and I couldn’t help but say my last goodbye.

“Goodbye Tanya, you deserved a more loving, family you deserved peace”, I said in my heart.

Bambam couldn’t talk, his heart was indeed heavy. He knew he had lost his beloved sister.

Dad hasn’t even come out of his room since morning.

“Honey, Please remember to take some food up to daddy. He should be starving by now”.

“I did dear, but he hasn't even touched the food”, Bambam said.

“He needs company, maybe you should try talking to him or being with him”.

“OK dear, I will do just that!

I quietly lowered baby B into her cot because she was fast asleep like she always is. My cute little child has no idea of what is going on, she just loves her beautiful sleep.

I looked at baby B and imagine what it would be like to see her very fat, I imagined body shaming her till she dies or rather takes her own life. I won’t even breathe again. I wouldn’t do that to her even if she grows fatter than Tanya or if she ever gets to 40 without getting married. Even if she looks useless to the world, she will be my most treasured gem.

The last time we saw Tanya she gave Bambam a very tight hug, I guess that was her goodbye, that was during the Christmas holidays last year, we would never see her again. I pray she is in better place void of the worlds wickedness.

The next day, Bambam asked that I helped him clear Tanya's room so we could donate her belongings to the orphanage. That was Dad's instructions, the only words he has spoken since yesterday.

I went into her room for the first time since I ever stepped my feet into the house.

It was a beautiful place, she took her time to decorate her room. That was the only place she found peace so she made it look like a house on Disney land.

I sat on the bed and I could feel her presence in the room, like she was on the bed fast asleep and I had come to cover her with a blanket. Her clothes were hanging in her wardrobe and there were lots of them, few shoes and bags, her wig was hanging on a nail close to the wardrobe.

She had only one framed picture of her hanging on the wall and it was just a headshot. Written at the right end was ‘Valentine got me thinking of you”, it looked like a gift that would come from someone like Cameron. How would he feel when he returns to hear that she is no more.

More than the violin lying close to her bed, something else caught my attention- Books. Tanya loves to read, could that be the only thing she does with her time.

I moved closer to her mini-library to take a look. She had books on self-development, Music and poetry.

I picked a book with a hard paper back because it looked different from every other book and I opened it.

On the first page was written, “ the Best friend I never had”. Then a tiny instruction saying, “don’t open, strictly confidential”.

That’s her diary!

Since she never spoke to me, I felt it would be strange to dishonor her words, I imagined her giving me a stern look and warning me with blood stained eyes not to open her diary.

Even if anyone in the family has the right to, certainly not me, someone she hated with passion.

I put the book where I picked it from and started packing her clothes into the bag. She had a love for blue dresses, most of her clothes were blue.

The first time Bambam brought me home to meet the family, she was dressed in a blue flayed sequin gown that made her look like royalty. She was on a call and she smiled, the kind of smile she had on her face when Cameron came visiting last Christmas. When Bambam introduced me to her, I couldn’t see the smile anymore. It was like she had seen a long time enemy, one who she would stop at nothing to destroy. I was terrified and felt unaccepted. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me and gave her brother a hug, welcomed him home and went straight to her room.

I was done packing and had her books neatly arranged in a box, this should remain with the family. I thought of giving the diary to Bambam, since he was the closest to her.

I held the diary and carried the heavy box of books to give Bambam and the diary slipped and fell. I kept the box down to pick it up.

I couldn’t resist the urge anymore.

I opened the Diary.