Bitter Sweet

Chapter 2. Winter

Today’s Valentine’s Day and I am so excited. This is one of my favorite holidays every year. Of course I have Scent in my life. Marami sa araw na ‘to sobrang kabitter-an ang ipalalaganap pero ako I am full of love. May dinner date kami mamaya, nararamdaman ko talaga, isusurprise niya ako eh, like maybe he’d propose na, since kagabi nga sabi niya it would be our best Valentine’s ever and he also said na “soon” daw when I told him about Dad asking when we’re gonna get married. Pero, shocks, no, Win, shut-up ka nga riyan sa utak ko, ‘wag tayo mag-expect, baka mag-manifest at ma-pressure si Baby.

Speaking of Baby, teka nga batiin ko muna siya.

I dialed his phone number, phone call para mas sweet.

“Good morning, Happy Valentines Baby. Tuloy tayo mamaya ah…” I said as soon as he answered the call.

“Winter…” he said.

I’m feeling a little off from the way he called my name. He sounded so serious, very different from what he sounded last night. Where’s the excited, sweet, and flattery tone he have last night? What’s wrong Baby?

“Hmmmmp. Bakit hindi ‘Baby’?” I pouted as if nagtatampo ako.

I assume he was just joking, ganiyan, so sinakyan ko, nag-pabebe ako ulit and all.

I don’t want to think seriously or be negative about it. Chill lang tayo baka naman kagigising lang kasi.

“Let’s breakup,” he replied at his most casual tone.

Did I hear it right? Break-up?

Paanong nangyaring makikipag-break si Scent sa’kin? Anong kalokohan ‘to? No, no, no, this isn’t happening. Is he trying to play a prank on me? My God naman, Scent, ‘wag kang nagbibiro ng ganiyan ang aga aga. Hindi maganda.

“Scent, stop joking around. Ang aga aga, ano bang pinagsasabi mo riyan?”

I am hoping he’ll say that he’s just messing with me.

“I am f*****g serious right now, Winter. What makes you think I’m going to joke about this issue? Winter, let’s break up. Just, please, itigil na natin ‘to.”

No can do. I don’t accept this.

“What? Why? Bakit Baby did I do something wrong? We were happy last night. You said it’s going to be the best Valentine’s ever. So, ano? Ganito? Ganito baa ng definition mo ng ‘Best Valentine’s’?” I am desperate for answers.

It can’t be like this, right? This is just a joke? Or perhaps I’m dreaming?

Sasabihini niya nito kasunod di’ba, Baby, joke lang, it’s a prank. Ganiyan. Di’ba? Di’ba, Scent?

“I just… I didn’t mean that last night… walang surprise, walang kahit ano…”

He’s blabbing words I don’t understand. Para bang hindi niya alam ang mga sinasabi niya, parang hindi niya alam kung anong isasagot niya sa akin.

“Pwede ba, ‘wag ka nang maraming tanong. Let’s break up, my decision’s final,” he sounded pretty serious.

How can I not ask? This is so sudden and more importantly it’s Valentine’s. He indeed prepared a surprise for me, yeah?

“I can’t break up with you without an acceptable reason, Scent. This is so sudden. You can’t break up with like that, ni wala kang good morning o ano. Umagang umaga talaga, Scent? Ano? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?” I asked.

This is not it right? Mahal mo ako, di’ba? We were so happy last night talking about stuff.

“If that’s what would let you break up with me, then, yes. Hindi na kita mahal.”

How can he drop these words as if it’s nothing?

Hindi niya ako mahal? Anong klaseng joke ba ‘to? Hindi na ako natutuwa.

“Hindi ako naniniwala. You told me you love me. Sabi mo sa hirap at ginhawa. Ano ‘yun paggising mo kaninang umaga bigla mon a lang na-realize, ay hindi ko mahal si Winter. Anong joke time ‘to? Baby ano bang problema? Hindi ka ganito kagabi, so please, baka naman pu-pwede pa natin ‘tong pag-usapan. Tell me, please.” My voice starting to crack, kaunting kibot pa ay alam kong iiyak na ako.

“Ikaw… Ikaw ang problema ko. Tama na, please! Sawang sawa na ako sa’yo, Winter.” Damn that strikes through…

What is he even saying? We were just fine yesterday. But there were no signs of hesitation in his voice. I am so confused. I f*****g want answers.

“Anong ginawa ko? May nagawa ba akong mali? Tell me… Please don’t break up with me. I can’t live without you,” pagmamakaawa ko.

“Saan sa mga salitang ‘Hindi na kita mahal’ at ‘Sawang-sawa na ako sa’yo’ ang hindi mo maintindihan Winter? Sige, iisa-isahin ko.” I can sense a bit of hesitation from his voice. This is so not him.

“Hindi… Na… Kita… Mahal… So please stop bugging me. I want you out of my life,” he emphasized each word and it hit me hard for every word. It was like those were made as sharp as knife and my heart was like a Russian Roulette, it hit the spot, bulls eye.

I never would’ve imagined him talking to me like this. Scent has always been the sweetest. I don’t understand why he’s acting this way.

“Baby, please. Let’s talk about this. Let’s meet later, okay? May dinner tayo di’ba? Let’s talk there, or kahit ngayon na, pupuntahan kita. Please ‘wag naman ganito. Wala namang ganiyanan… Don’t break up with me,” I said but he didn’t reply, “Baby…”

He still didn’t reply. I just heard the beep signaling he already ended the call. I can’t process what just happened. I can’t believe this is happening.

I am ready to beg. I’ll beg him to stay but he wasn’t answering my calls anymore and then after a while, he blocked me. My phone calls can’t go through anymore.

I honestly don’t know what I’ll do now. He was my life for all these years and him breaking up with me all of a sudden, I just can’t handle it.

I just stared at my phone, my mind with nothing, still trying to call him. I even looked through our conversation yesterday, it was so sweet. I cannot see anything wrong with it. I also recalled our phone call last night, we were so fine, nagtatawanan pa nga kami, we even said our ‘I love you’s’ before going to bed. I don’t see any sign of this happening. What could have happened for him to leave me out of the blue? I need to know.

I posted on twitter, hoping he’ll be able to see it and unblock me, then we’ll talk it out and make up. And we’ll have our date and all of this will seem like it never happened.

Baby… please… I love you so much…

Please talk to me…

That’s what I wrote.

My best friend, Yohanne, saw my tweet and she replied but I just ignored it. I know she’s worried but I just can’t steal this day from her and Hansel, my other best friend, well, he’s originally Scent’s bestfriend but the four of us is a squad since wayback college, and we basically went on dates together.

Yohanne, being all that ‘I’ll always be here’ kind of friend called me.

“Girl, anong nangyari sa’yo? Bakit ang aga aga nagdadrama ka sa twitter?” she blurted as soon as I picked up.

I tried my best to keep my composure.

“Bes, nakipag-break si Scent sa’kin. Hindi niya na raw ako mahal. Pero hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit siya nakikipaghiwalay? Bigla na lang eh, okay naman kami kagabi. But he sounded very serious in our phone call kanina, he really seemed not kidding,” I replied.

This is going out of hand, later on I might lose it.

“Hindi mo tinanong?”

“Of course I asked, pero ayaw niyang sagutin ng maayos… he ended the call and then he blocked my number. Di ko na alam gagawin ko.” It’s true, I am so stressed out.

“Puntahan na kita riyan. Nasaan ka ba?” she asked.

I know she would really come, but I need to do this alone. It’s our problem. Hindi naman purket best buds kaming apat ay kailangan kong idamay ‘yung dalawa sa problem. And I know they also have plans today and I can’t ruin it.

“Sa bahay lang ako, pero ‘wag ka na pumunta. Aalis din ako, try ko puntahan si Scent, maybe I can talk to him in person.” Still trying to hold my tears back.

“Samahan na kita, wait for me,” she said.

“Thank you, Bes. I know you are concerned, but you don’t have to. I’ll handle it on my own,” I replied.

“Pero Bes,” she complained.

“Hindi na. Ako na ‘to, it’s our problem, we’ll fix it. Besides, ayaw ko kuhanin ang oras mo kay Hans. It’s Valentine’s Day, for sure may date kayo. Mapapatay ako nu’n ‘pag di ka sumipot dahil sa’kin,” I assured her.

That is not true. I know for sure kung malalaman ni Hans kung ano nangyari, he’ll probably do the same thing as what Yohanne said. But, no, I’d really refuse. Kailangan ko rin ‘to harapin nang mag-isa.

“Pero, seriously thank you. And please do me a favor, don’t tell Hans about it, I don’t want him to worry, too,”

“Ano ka ba naman, para namang others. Ikaw pa ba? Ako pa ba? Syempre sino unang dadamay sa’yo kun’di ako. Sige, I’ll let you be for now. Pero, if something comes up, let me know. Tawagan mo lang ako ha?” she said.

“Hmmm, sure.” I tried to sound as convincing as possible.

I’m so lucky to have one hell of a best friend. I did my best to sound okay, that I can manage this all alone because I don’t want her to worry so bad. But honestly, I don’t know. I am not okay, I don’t have a plan, and I can’t think straight.

I went back to my conversation with Scent last night. Then I stared at that ‘You cannot reply in this conversation’ prompt beneath the screen, as if it’ll go away if I do that. I stayed like that for at least thirty minutes. After that, I still didn’t know what to do.

The fact that Scent’s broken up with me, still doesn’t sink in. Am I dreaming? ‘Coz if I do, please wake me up from this nightmare.

I pinched myself. I slapped my face.

Wake up, Winter Kim. I told myself repeatedly. It’s now time to wake up from a bad dream.

I’m going crazy, hardly thinking of what I’ve done to deserve this, then suddenly tears fell from my eyes. I broke down.

Did he really break up with me on Valentine’s Day? I kept asking myself. Am I not good enough?

I’m down on my knees, beside the sofa, looking like a loser. What would I do? Where would I start? How can I fix this? These are all the questions in my head right now. My eyes were like a falls, as tears continuously coming out from it.

I need to go to him. Maybe if I kneel down in front of him and beg, he’ll probably come back right?

I stood up.