Unhidden

Chapter Nineteen-Andre

One week.

Seven days.

That was how long it had been since I told Jamal I needed space.

Seven days since I watched him walk out of my apartment.

Seven days since I had closed that door and collapsed onto the floor like my entire body had finally given up pretending I was okay.

And somehow, I was still doing it.

I was still waking up every morning.

Still eating.

Still showering.

Still sleeping, although barely.

Still answering work-related calls.

Still going through the motions.

But I wasn’t okay.

Not even close.

Every morning, I checked my phone.

And every morning, there was a message from Jamal.

Good morning, Dre.

I didn’t answer.

Then another.

Please talk to me.

I opened it.

I didn’t respond.

Then—

I know you asked for space. I’m trying to give you space. I just want you to know I’m here.

I stared at that message for almost ten minutes.

Then I locked my phone.

God.

I hated this.

I hated ignoring him.

I hated watching his name appear on my screen and pretending it didn’t affect me.

I hated that I still wanted to hear his voice.

I hated that I still wanted him.

I hated that I still loved him.

Most of all, I hated that I was the one who had asked him to leave.

My phone rang.

Jamal.

I watched it ring.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Then it stopped.

A minute later, another message appeared.

Please, baby.

I closed my eyes.

“Don’t.”

I whispered it to an empty room.

“Please don’t.”

Because I knew myself.

If I answered him, I would forgive him.

If I heard his voice, I would want to see him.

If I saw him, I would hold him.

And if I held him…

I would forget why I was hurting.

I couldn’t afford to forget.

Not anymore.

I had spent four years putting Jamal first.

Four years.

I needed to put myself first now.

Even if it broke my heart.

I was sitting on my couch that evening, staring blankly at the television, when I heard a knock.

I frowned.

Nobody came over anymore.

At least nobody I wanted to see.

Another knock.

I stood slowly.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

I knew the voice immediately.

Marcus.

I opened the door.

He stood there holding a six-pack of beer.

He looked at me.

Then looked at the apartment.

Then back at me.

“I know.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Know what?”

“That you don’t want to see anybody.”

I stared at him.

“I also know you don’t want to talk to anybody.”

He lifted the beer.

“But I brought alcohol.”

Despite myself, I almost smiled.

Almost.

“Marcus…”

“Move.”

He walked past me.

I closed the door.

Marcus placed the beer on the coffee table and looked around.

Then he looked at me again.

“You look terrible.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know.”

He opened the pack.

“Drink?”

I nodded.

He handed me one.

We sat down.

For several seconds, neither of us said anything.

Then Marcus looked at me.

“You going to tell me?”

I stared at the bottle.

“Tell you what?”

“Whatever the hell happened.”

“Nothing.”

Marcus laughed softly.

“André.”

“What?”

“I’ve known you too long.”

I looked at him.

“You’ve been walking around like somebody died.”

My throat tightened.

“Nobody died.”

“That’s not what I said.”

I looked away.

He took a sip.

“I know you’re not fine.”

I didn’t answer.

“And you don’t have to pretend with me.”

I swallowed.

“I’m fine.”

“No.”

His voice was gentle.

“You’re not.”

I looked down.

Marcus leaned forward.

“I’ve known you have been dating somebody.”

My head snapped up.

“What?”

“I didn’t know who.”

I stared at him.

“You knew?”

He nodded.

“I knew.”

“How?”

“Because I’m your best friend.”

He shrugged.

“You started smiling at your phone four years ago.”

I almost laughed.

“I did not.”

“You absolutely did.”

He smiled faintly.

“You’d be at the station looking at your phone like an idiot.”

I shook my head.

“You’d disappear sometimes.”

“Work.”

“Sure.”

He gave me a look.

“You’d suddenly care about how you looked before going home.”

I laughed bitterly.

“Okay.”

“And every time somebody asked you about your personal life, you’d suddenly become very interested in changing the subject.”

I stared at him.

He sighed.

“I just didn’t know it was him.”

My smile disappeared.

Marcus looked at me carefully.

“I saw the video.”

I looked away.

“André.”

“I’m fine.”

“No.”

He reached over and squeezed my shoulder.

“You don’t have to be fine.”

Something inside me cracked.

I looked down.

My eyes burned.

“I love him.”

The words came out so quietly that I almost didn’t hear them myself.

Marcus didn’t say anything.

I swallowed.

“I love Jamal.”

My voice broke.

“I love him so much.”

And then I started crying.

I didn’t try to stop it.

I couldn’t.

Four years of keeping everything inside suddenly came pouring out.

Marcus immediately moved closer.

“Hey.”

I shook my head.

“I love him.”

“I know.”

“I love him so much, Marcus.”

“I know.”

“But I can’t.”

My chest tightened.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Marcus nodded.

“Then don’t.”

I wiped my face.

“I have to choose myself.”

“Yes.”

“Jamal chose his family over me for four years.”

Marcus stayed quiet.

“I kept thinking he was going to choose me.”

My voice cracked again.

“I kept thinking maybe one day he would wake up and realize that I was worth fighting for.”

I looked at him.

“I thought maybe if the world got worse, he’d choose me.”

Marcus sighed.

“But he didn’t.”

I shook my head.

“He chose his family.”

My tears fell again.

“He chose them.”

Marcus didn’t interrupt.

“He had so many chances.”

I laughed bitterly.

“So many.”

I looked down at my hands.

“I never asked him to stand in front of the whole world and announce that he was gay.”

Marcus nodded.

“I know.”

“I never asked him to destroy his relationship with his family.”

“I know.”

“I just wanted him to stop making me feel like I was something shameful.”

Marcus’s jaw tightened.

“And then that video came out.”

I swallowed.

“He looked right into that camera.”

My voice trembled.

“And said he didn’t know me.”

Marcus looked down.

“I watched it.”

I closed my eyes.

“God.”

I covered my face.

“I loved that man.”

Marcus reached for my shoulder.

“I know.”

“I still love him.”

“I know.”

“And that’s the problem.”

I looked at him.

“I love him so much that he has the power to destroy me.”

Marcus didn’t say anything.

“I gave him everything.”

My voice became quieter.

“My trust.”

“My time.”

“My heart.”

“Four years.”

I shook my head.

“I hid him.”

Marcus looked at me.

“I hid him from everybody.”

I laughed through my tears.

“I didn’t even tell you.”

“I know.”

“I was protecting him.”

Marcus nodded.

“Because he didn’t want anybody to know.”

“Yeah.”

I wiped my cheeks.

“How stupid was I?”

“Andre.”

“I was protecting someone who couldn’t even protect me.”

Marcus shook his head.

“Don’t call yourself stupid.”

“But I was.”

“No.”

He looked directly at me.

“You loved somebody.”

“Same thing.”

“No.”

His voice was firm.

“Those aren’t the same thing.”

I looked away.

Marcus took another sip.

“You loved him. That’s not stupid.”

“It feels stupid.”

“Because it ended badly.”

I nodded.

“Maybe.”

He leaned back.

“But loving somebody isn’t a mistake just because they weren’t able to give you what you needed.”

I stared at him.

“You need to remember that.”

I was quiet.

Marcus continued.

“You can’t force Jamal to choose you.”

“I know.”

“You can’t force him to come out.”

“I know.”

“You can’t force his family to accept you.”

“I know.”

“And you can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for him to become somebody he’s not ready to be.”

I closed my eyes.

“I know.”

“Then choosing yourself isn’t selfish.”

I opened my eyes.

“It’s necessary.”

That sentence hit me harder than I expected.

I looked down at my beer.

“I don’t think I want him anymore.”

Marcus didn’t react immediately.

“I don’t.”

I swallowed.

“I don’t want him anymore.”

My voice shook.

“If I’m with Jamal…”

I stopped.

Marcus waited.

“If I’m with Jamal, he’s going to destroy me.”

He nodded slowly.

“Because I love him too much.”

I looked at him.

“That’s the problem.”

Marcus said nothing.

“He has too much power over me.”

I laughed sadly.

“I see his name on my phone and my whole body reacts.”

“I know.”

“I hear his voice and I forget everything.”

“I know.”

“I see him cry and I want to fix everything.”

“I know.”

“And that’s exactly why I can’t keep doing this.”

Marcus nodded.

“Then don’t.”

I looked at him.

“How?”

“One day at a time.”

I laughed.

“That’s your advice?”

“Yes.”

“That’s terrible advice.”

He smiled.

“It’s honest advice.”

He picked up his beer.

“You don’t have to stop loving him tonight.”

I looked at him.

“You don’t have to wake up tomorrow and magically stop caring.”

He shrugged.

“You just have to stop abandoning yourself.”

I went quiet.

Marcus looked at me.

“Don’t answer the phone if you’re not ready.”

“I haven’t.”

“Good.”

“Don’t say good.”

He smiled.

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

He pointed at me.

“You asked for space. Take it.”

I nodded.

“You need to heal.”

I looked down.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You can.”

“What if he comes back?”

Marcus paused.

“Then you’ll decide what you want when that happens.”

I nodded slowly.

“But don’t make that decision because you’re afraid of losing him.”

I looked at him.

“Make it because you know what you deserve.”

My throat tightened.

“God.”

I leaned back against the couch.

“You’re really my best friend.”

“I know.”

I laughed softly.

“Asshole.”

“You’re welcome.”

For the first time in a week, I actually laughed.

It didn’t last long.

But it was something.

We drank.

We talked.

Not just about Jamal.

About work.

About Marcus’s ridiculous dating stories.

About the station.

About everything and nothing.

And for a few hours, I didn’t feel completely alone.

Later, when Marcus was getting ready to leave, he stopped at the door.

“André?”

“Yeah?”

“You love him.”

I looked at him.

“Yeah.”

“But loving him doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself.”

I nodded.

“I know.”

“Good.”

He opened the door.

“Call me if you need me.”

“I will.”

He looked at me one last time.

“Seriously.”

“I will.”

Then he left.

I closed the door.

The apartment became quiet again.

I walked back to the couch.

My phone was sitting on the table.

I picked it up.

Three missed calls.

Two messages.

Both from Jamal.

I opened the first.

I miss you.

The second came a few minutes later.

I love you. I’m still here whenever you’re ready.

I stared at the screen.

My heart hurt.

God, it hurt.

I wanted to answer.

Every part of me wanted to answer.

But I remembered the video.

I remembered the press release.

I remembered Malik pushing me away.

I remembered Jamal standing there silently.

I remembered the way he had looked at the camera.

And I remembered my own words.

I need space.

So I locked my phone.

Placed it face down.

And whispered into the empty room—

“I love you too, Jamal.”

My eyes filled with tears.

“But this time…”

I took a shaky breath.

“I have to love myself too.”

And for the first time since he walked out of my apartment…

I didn’t reach for my phone.