Taming The Billionaire's Heart (R18)

Chapter 5— Want Some Changes

(Hiroko's POV)

I don't want to bring myself the sadness, I already have a lot of sufferings that was bringing me down so badly, I don't want to make myself feel that my feelings are not validated at all. I need to know for sure that there is things that I need to tackle about, there is also things that I need to bring for myself that will surely keep me happier the way that I wanted to be happy.

"Aime, you know that you are here for me as always and you are supporting me all the way out. I am even more happy that you do so, I don't care what others think of me, you know me that much, and I know that you will always bring the best of yourself too the way that you did for me. But please, support me," I said. I am trying to be sure that she will get my point as much as possible, I don't want her to think that I am being a brat or something, I just don't like her to be thinking that everything is going bad or something.

"I don't know much about your struggles Hiroko, but I am happy that you are trying to change for the better. You know me, yes, and I will be here to support you of course. I will never let you down at all, you will never see yourself suffering at all, you have me all the way, you should be thankful as well," she said.

I am always been thankful that she is here for me, she was my best friend, and she's always going to be.

There has been days that I was thinking that days that she confessed towards me, but I preferred to love a man over her.

I also don't want to lie to my feelings at all, I need to be true as much as possible, I don't think that lying is the best thing to do.

I don't get why people need to be so cruel, I don't think that I will always have the courage to put myself into the danger that I don't deserve. I don't want to risk on love again not until I get healed, because loving is something that I cannot give for others as always, I must love myself first and learn to love others—not by asking for validation.

If there is anything that I could do in life, I would make sure that there's a lot of chances that I may bring into it.

~~~~

I am planning to have a coffee together with Aime, I wanted to treat her for all the things that she have done for me, it was amazing because she is making me feel that I am welcome. I don't have any other reason not to make judgment about it because she was always been a good woman towards me, I just can't believe what I am going through right now, I always feel like there's something that I can always focus with, and that's just amazing, I wanted to break through with my limitations in life.

"Hey Aime, this is Hiroko, I wanted to ask you if ever you are free this time, would you mind to have a coffee with me? I just wanted to talk to you about something as well. It's okay if you are not free at all, you can decline," I said.

"I am free right now Hiro, why is it?What's the catch though?"

"It's nothing, I just have a feeling thst I wanted some coffee you know, there's nothing that I can do for now to you and I am just trying to reciprocate the care that you are giving me. And you know it that you did that for me for my own sake, thank you for it, " I said.

It's not too late to make the things worthy, it's always been a good thing that I have a friend like her who is always been willing to take risk in helping me out, I never have a second thought about it. It's always been a good thing that I am making a good progress somehow, there is something that I am very much willing to cooperate with.

"You are amazing, yes sure. I will go there for now, wait for me," she said.

"Yeah, I will," I answered.

I hanged up the phone and then stares at the window of my condominium, it was a good day. Perhaps, being free to what I can do in life and being able to do what I do is something that I am guilty about. I feel like a prisoner when I was still in a relationship with that man that I loved in the past. I feel like it for no other clue and reason, I don't even know if I feel happy together with him, but I think that I could manage being happy with him for sometime, it's just a little bit draining too, I don't want to blame myself with anything else that will make me feel bad about myself.

I looked into my phone and watched the pictures that I had with him.

I still didn't deleted it because I still don't have the gut to, it was traumatizing yet I missed him. I wanted to forget about him, and I am going to do it sooner as possible, I don't want to be stucked into this love, this love that I am not even ready to conquer with, this love that is do hard to believe.

Being a gay in this society is a curse, everybody will judge you the way that you behave, when in fact I am just a human being also.

It's not even that bad as well, and whatever that they are thinking about me, then they can have it for themselves, I don't really care much about it though, there's no need for anyone to think about it.

I would look forwards to continue the journey of my life, I don't want to regret about it later or sooner.

I changed everything in my appearance and the way I behaved now, I acted more manly, and I could say that I am not really a gay, but a bi-s****l.

There's some moments that I would figure out that a woman is an attractive woman, I can't stop looking at her, and that's the attraction that I feel for myself that I could say that I am not really that bad, because I can see what attraction feels like and it's just like that. I don't think that it's wrong to do that.

My attraction towards other people depends on the situation and depends on how they would be able to prove theirselves that they are indeed an attractive one. I also love those people who are confident, but stays as humble as they are, they are very much incredible than what I am thinking, there's nothing wrong with being a person with no other feelings. I just don't have the gut to have feelings sometimes. I would rather have a peaceful day at home rather than hang out with people that made me feel like there's something that's wrong with me.

I don't want to bring something that will make me feel so sad, I don't even want to try to hurt myself at circumstances in life, I don't want to make myself feel miserable at all, it's just not that, I don't think that I could do it.

Regardless of what they are thinking about me for being a person with a lot of things that I couldn't really prove towards others, I am proud that the person I have become is something that I can brag about.

"I always thought that there is something special about me, but it turns out that it was true," I mumbled.

Now that I am having a coffee with Aime, I feel like there's something that I wanted to tell her about, and I always thought that it was amazing to have it, I don't know why is it happening, she is amazing and I feel like being with her is a blessing.

A best friend that is ready to take risk with everything else in life, she is a total goddess and I would always cherish her no matter what.

I don't want her to think that she is a failure o something, I don't want her to experience what I experienced, I don't want her to feel that there's sadness in her life because she didn't deserved it. Although, all people would always feel the sadness in their lives, everyone has to get through it no matter what, there's no other choice but to do it, I don't think that there's a lot of things that would matter the most especially that other people are judgmental in their own ways.

Aime is what is making me feel alive right now, without her, I don't know what to do, she is just amazing as she is. I don't think that there's a plenty of opportunities that anyone could offer for themselves in this life, but there's no other way that we should always feel that we are alone.

"Man, being alone is dreadful, and I don't like it anymore," I mumbled.

After a while of meditating, I noticed that my phone is ringing, it was her.

"Hey Hiro, I am about to go there already though, wait for me, I just need to fill my gas up, I am a little bit clumsy you know what I mean?"

" Yeah, you are, just take care babe, " I said.

I don't know what is happening but that word slips out of my mouth out of nowhere, the silence is so loud because I know that she was shocked as well and I couldn't stop myself from saying it.

"Uhm, are you okay Hiro?" she asked, she heard it right and I don't know why, for such reason, I just think like I wanted to call her that with no malice at all, just gonna do what I need to do.

"Yes Aime, I am sorry I called you that," I said, while my voice is shaky.