Demon's Protégé

One More Time

To ease such pain, is impossible.

Today marks a year since I’ve lost the love of my life. At such time, life for me, is nonexistent. Time flows around me, but none of it seems to matter. It is like witnessing a scene from a war, old times, explosions, capturing the deaths of hundreds. In such realistic occurrence, somebody gets lost and stuck in the midst of all that horrendous chaos. And I am that person.

I’m the person who gets lost and scarred for life. A pitiful experience, and a torture.

So an old friend of mine told me that I needed to travel. ‘Go breathe in some fresh air’. I need to find an alteration. He said that the feeling of loss urges someone to search for something that might ease the pain. But to me, it sounded like an old cruel joke. Because, truth to be told, to ease such pain, is impossible.

How can someone just forget a delicate part of his existence?

If I were to move on and let go, where would I put the twenty years of memories tucked inside of me? Where would I keep them? To move on, what does it really mean?

To regain the capability of happiness, does it take a single step out of the open to have it once again?

I might not really benefit on this ridiculous journey, but as what my dear old friend say, it does not hurt to try. I just have to see what it could offer me. Even if what lurks behind those steps towards the journey, is all but still a mystery,

“You’ll need a pack of antiemetics,” Elton tells me this as he moves across the kitchen counter, walking towards me. He hands me over a bottle of tablets. “You might not feel comfortable traveling that long.”

I silently take the container from him and smiled weakly.

“You’ve never been too further of east, right?” he asks me this, worry shown on his face almost like a permanent character. He has been looking at me that way since the day Carol died. It wasn’t new now. I just observed him as he settled himself down on the couch beside me. Then, he looks down on my suitcase and pats me on the shoulder. “I wish you luck, man.”

I sighed and nodded. There’s really nothing for me to say. But Elton looks at me as if he’s waiting for me to tell him anything. Yet,silence remained undisturbed between us.

When it felt like I wouldn’t speak anymore, Elton exhales audibly and gives me one of his odd smiles, “Call me if you ever need anything there.”

I nodded again since that’s the only thing I could think of as a response. And like a finality, Elton stands and walks towards the hallway to my front door. I watch him as he stops and hesitates, turning around to face me once again.

“Just,” he says to me, “Just… enjoy it, okay?”

I nodded once more and with that, he disappeared behind the door.

I relaxed and looked over the suitcase in front of me. And as I mulled over his words, I sat there on the couch still holding the bottle of medicine in my hand, thinking: Would I really enjoy it? I don’t know… I feel nothing at all.

NNN

This is good, so far. I’ve ridden a bus before. Of course, I’ve been on school trips when I was still studying. But this time, the feeling is odd. I’ve chosen to sit near the isle because I don’t really feel like watching through the windows. Elton was really right about the antiemetics. It has been so long since I’ve been outside my apartment. The feeling of motion beneath me makes me dizzy so fast. Luckily, he had made me bring the medicine.

I wasn’t expecting to sit and try to be comfortable for over two hours. I succumbed myself through listening over chit-chats and conversations around me. What a joke, it is. To feel the world move on, and here I am wishing I wasn’t part of it. To see those smiles on those unrecognized faces, unaware that somebody somewhere in this world had just passed on and lost its existence. Would my fate be the same? Would I be just someone immediately forgotten once I leave this world alone?

I was so lost in my own thoughts when we finally came to our first pit-stop after that long tiring ride. And I was so relieved to finally be able to stretch my legs again and walk. It was only for half an hour.

After that, I learned that there’ll be another two hours of this ride until the final destination.

I sighed, and decided to take the few minutes of stop-over walking around the stalls outside the bus. I bought some rice cakes and quietly inhaled it by the smoking area. Watching the people around me, I almost laughed at this ridiculous situation. What am I doing here really? What made me agree to this idea?

A family took pictures around not far from where I stood and I watch them with interest. They looked really happy together. And I remembered the days when I used to enjoy family trips when I was young. My father would have his camera hanging on his neck, taking pictures and making us stand in front of statues, while my mother would carry a bag filled with junkfoods and water so when we felt like starving, we could just ask her for it. And there would be me and my sister, running all over the place as if everything around us is something to be so amazed of.

I miss those days. It feels so much farther from now. And there’s only a blurry memory in the back of my mind.

After a while, my watch beeped, reminding me of the call time to the bus and so I started to walk back. But with every step I take on, my mind reeled on with nostalgic memories bringing me back to a familiar feeling.

The loss… When will I ever find escape from that big void inside my heart?