Let Go

Last Chapter- Let Go

I began to feel nauseous. The nurse called on two aides, sat me on a wheelchair and brought me to another room. "You may rest here, sir. You need a lot of it so you can be prepared for tomorrow." They said, and left. I can't just sit around now... I don't want to keep wondering what it was I saw. I need answers, not some god damned rest.

I stood and walked right out of that room. I saw one of the doctors, he looked familiar.

Right. He was the doctor from that psychiatric facility where Jungkook, Jimin and I were locked up before. I walked closer to the front desk to ask the nurse... But the memory flashed again, I could clearly remember, Daejeon Psychoanalytic Examination... I rushed towards the doctor and asked him... "Why am I back here? How did it happen?"

He looked at me with puzzled eyes, "What do you mean? You all came here from the Life Assistance Program Facility for the Psychoanalysis."

"When? how--" before I could even finish what I was asking, I begun to have that splitting pain again in my head... As if I was still disoriented, I kept on seeing memories in my head. I almost fainted but the doctor caught me before I fell. "You should rest. The psychoanalysis was a mentally exhausting procedure. You need to regain your strength for tomorrow." As he held me in his arms, my eyes caught sight of his watch.

"December 3- 12:44 AM"

We arrived at Byeonsan Beach by 2:30 in the afternoon on December 2nd... "Your watch..."

"hmmm?"

"Why does it say..."

"Oh... yeah, it's the right time and date. Being inside the simulation area feels longer, right? It feels like you've spent 2 weeks inside when it's actually just 2 hours in real world. It might really disorient your sense of time. Let's go to the office. I'll explain more about this so you can understand," the doctor said. Why does this feel so familiar to me? I definitely heard this before. Deja Vu?

I went on to follow him at the office. This room is full of monochromatic furnitures, even the curtains and the paintings are all black and white, except for that grandfather's clock made of red oakwood that stood at the far end of this room. It's loud ticking noise sync on Newton's cradle. The doctor sat on his brown leather covered chair. I sat on the black leather couch. I repeated the question. "How did we got here?"

"The facilitator called you out for an important discussion about something, remember? And you were all asked to go to Byeongsan Beach."

"Yeah... and?"

"Do you remember anything after that?"

"N-no."

"It's because you were sent here unconscious after the medical team attached the Brainwave response port at the back of your head."

"...what do you mean?"

"Ah... let me explain it to you better." the doctor folded his arms and placed his elbows on the armrest of his chair, his fingers playfully ran through each others tips. He crossed his legs, and then inhaled deeply. And then, he spoke, "Let us start with Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon. Those two were really sly..." he scoffed. "But do they really think they can fool the government and the facility? We all knew he was a man. But his brain waves overlaps between a woman and a man. And I don't mean homosexuality or being confused. He has this mental control that makes it difficult to tell when he lies or when he is telling the truth. Namjoon, on the other hand, has a very delicate mind. His actions and words are always well-thought of. His passion for intricate detail and perfectionism is beyond ordinary. He is a chameleon. The way he adapts to his environment is very remarkable. They really make a good pair, I must admit. But above all is Jung Hoseok. His skill in deduction and the way he discern things is above genius. His logic and rationality is his best asset. It was actually difficult to give everyone their final grade. We knew that it would be impossible to have you all take the final training level. But all those who tried to take the test before you have failed. That is why when we all called you out to the Byeongsan beach, we had to take the opportunity. I know it was cruel, and it was not supposed to be that way. But we had no choice. We took all those who actually came to the meeting place and brought you all back here. Each of you received a different letter. We had to lure those who ran away from the final test back to this training facility. The letters depended on what you have been doing currently with your life. And the test inside the simulation each one had a different scenario. Yours was fighting your fears of losing the only person who held your hands through it all."

"Park...Ji...Min??"

"Yes."

"But he was with me! He was there! He..."

"He is dead."

My chest cramped when I heard those words that I could not dare speak.

"It's normal for you to be confused as the test was really critical and unforgiving. It reaches the darkest corner of your memory. Even those that have been altered by your defense mechanism."

"But... what about the others? They were with me as well."

"Oh, Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin are all fine and recovering as well. But as I said, it's all part of the simulation. You never really saw each other. The scenario in their examination is different from yours as well."

"How about Jungkook?" I asked.

"Jungkook??" The doctor repeated, looking confused.

"The child who was with me. Jeon Jungkook."

"There were no children in the examination. The youngest in line was Kim Namjoon."

"No. That's impossible! Are you saying that, all of those I've gone through was just a part of this sick test? That Jungkook and Jimin was not real? I survived because of them. I AM HERE NOW BECAUSE OF THEM. and.. and..." then it finally hit me.

"Kim Taehyung..."

Those who helped me, were all dead. The memories were coming clear now. The night we ran away from the facility to escape this final test...

"Hyung... just go! You need to leave. " Jimin took the shot for me. He fell and I held him in my arms. That's when I found out he was bleeding. He pushed me out of the border so i could escape. Heh, I guess the escape went in vain, huh?

Jungkook... He killed himself after losing Jimin as well. I found him in his room with his eyes blood shot red and rolled up in his lids... He had scratches on his neck. He looked like he struggled a lot before he died. If I hadn't left him alone at home that night, would things have changed? I saw a bottle of arsenic beside him, the compound he used for glass-making and decalcomania.

That's when i realize what Jungkook meant when he said he was just a part of a memory that I couldn't let go. I held onto their memories to survive, but they never were there all along.

I was always on the verge of killing myself as well. But everytime I try, the thought of Taehyung and Jimin cross my mind. And it was such an unbearable pain that I live because I cannot die. How lonely it is to not be able to do the thing you want?

I don't want to go back to that miserable life again. So I decided to study psychology. I thought it would be a good start. If I knew how to heal people's pain, they wouldn't have to go through the same pain that I had. I'm on my third year this coming semester. Maybe it was luck that this test was done during our winter break. Maybe it was luck that I survived. Who knows? Who cares anymore?

I laid my head back down. Can I just erase these memories? I clutched my chest as I felt my heart contracted in pain. And I begun to cry.

These tears are real this time, aren't they? I don't know anymore. The doctor was still talking but nothing comes into my head anymore. I left his office... I went back to my room and curled myself in my bed until my eyes were tired of crying and my consciousness was too exhausted to keep me awake.

The next day, we took the graduation rites and the completion of training certificate. The certificate was equivalent to two full years of vocational studies and 2880 hours of training.

I never wanted to stay where memories would only keep on hurting me. January of the following year, I flew to New Orleans. I completed my studies and I am now a Medical Practitioner of Psychology. Seokjin-hyung got his inheritance and continued his father's legacy in the business industry. Hoseok graduated and passed the exams as a licensed Lawyer and now works as a family lawyer. And Namjoon... he followed his heart and pursued music and arts.

It has been seven years since everything had happened and the pain became somewhat a distant memory.

We have grown mature and moved on from this dark phase of our lives. And it's been a long while since we've spoken with each other. We've grown a little older, a little bit wiser and became busy with life.

But with all these, there is still an empty space in my heart. Every year, I visit South Korea. The last was two years ago, before the Martial Law broke. The war ended and a new era begun. The border between North and South was lifted. I wondered how everything is going back there.

I booked a flight because it's Taehyung's death anniversary soon. And it maybe fate, how I got a call from Hoseok one day. He asked if I was still in South Korea. I told him I was not, but I'll be back soon, to commemorate Taehyung's death. He asked if I could meet him, so I agreed.

We met up one week before Taehyung's death anniversary. Namjoon and Seokjin-hyung were there as well. I hugged them all. Oh, how I missed them so damn much. Hoseok had a huge smile plastered on his face. So I asked... and he said:

"It's a great news! I have finally won the rights in court for the ownership of the land of Dalbang Institute for the orphans. I have exhausted all my resources for this but it was all worth it. I really wanted to give this to you, I know how important it is for you."

Seokjin-hyung suggested that we visit the place. I wanted to, but my heart was contemplating. In the end, we all went there. As a licensed psychologist, I now have the rights to own and operate simulation machines. But my machines are not for the military assessments or psychological trainings. Mine was programmed for emotional healing. And so, I built this centre for healing near the old orphanage. As we dive into the simulation world, I made sure the setting allows all four of us to experience the same environment. We do not have to sleep, the centre has a room especially built for simulation under augmented reality environment. As we slip into our dreamweaver (the helmet-like machine that activates the simulation), our brainwaves started to take us to this familiar place in our minds.

The place was still barren and abandoned. Nothing was left but old broken, burnt bricks and run-down walls. The creek still have the tiny dock and the tree still stood there. I walked close to it. My heart felt heavy as I run my hand on the rotting rope tied on the branch and the old tire. Why does everything looked smaller now? I remember they were bigger things back then. I walked past the lemon tree grove and the place where it used to be a garden. Everything was both nostalgic and painful altogether.

"I'm planning to build a new business soon, but I am having a hard time deciding what will be a good one."

"Why not a law firm?" Hoseok jested.

"I was thinking of an agency... but I don't know which field to specialize." Seokjin-hyung answered.

"Why don't we rebuild an orphanage under a new name?" Namjoon suggested.

While they were busy discussing about business and plans, my attention was caught by something else. From not too far from where I stood, a familiar sound filled the air. I took small steps, following where the sound was coming from. I heard voices, they were laughing and shouting merrily. I heard footsteps of people running. And... a piano.

My heart raced as I realize that familiar sound. It was Jimin's song. My strides became bigger and soon, I was running. I found myself standing in front of an old, rusty gate covered with poison ivy and wild vines. My sanctuary.

The restricted area.

The only place not burned during the Dalbang incident. I could hear the piano playing inside. I can't fit into the secret passage anymore. I shouted as loud as I can and asked Hoseok and Namjoon's help to open the old gate. I rushed inside as soon as they opened it. And my heart froze in disbelief.

"Hey, guys! It's Suga-hyung!" Jungkook called out.

"Yoongi-hyung! It's soooo good to see you! I missed you! Have you been well?" Jimin ran up to me and hugged me tightly. He was warm. I could feel he was real. But my heart was in doubt.

"We've waited for a long time... You are finally here." Taehyung commented as he sarcastically smirked.

I stepped back, a little hesitant, a little afraid, perhaps. Then I asked, "How? You guys aren't real."

"That's rude! Don't you see how I've grown? How can you say we're not real, hyung?" Jungkook gave me a light punch in my chest.

"We are a part of your memory. Your memories were real." Jimin explained.

"We came to see you for the last time." Taehyung tapped my shoulder.

From behind me, I could hear Seokjin-hyung's sobs. Can they see them as well? "Eommaaaa!" Jungkook ran up to him as well as he jumped into seokjin-hyung's arms.

"We are all glad we can be together for the last time." Taehyung finally showed his precious boxy smile.

"It's time for us to move on..." Jungkook smiled as well.

"Yoongi-hyung, can you please do me a favor? Please send us off properly. Do you still remember the song you wrote for Taehyung before? Will you please play that on the piano for the three of us?"

I wiped my tears and nodded. "Sure..." I sat down in front of the piano. "Jin-hyung, you know the lyrics right? I saw you were reading it one time when Suga-hyung was asleep..." Taehyung teased. Seokjin laughed drily but went on.

I started to play the piano, and Seokjin-hyung sang...

"Hard to say goodbye, but i cannot run... I'm ready to let go."

As soon as the last key echoed, they slowly faded away. We finally accepted everything, and the void in my heart somehow started to feel occupied again. Jimin's lips softly mouthed "thank you, i love you" And i answered "I'll see you again. I love you too. But for now, goodbye."

They were gone like the sun rays passing through the roof holes and then blocked by the clouds. It was not a sad farewell. Finally, it was a good closure. We could sincerely move forward now. The simulation AR environment faded, and we were soon back to reality.

I stood up and smiled at Seokjin-hyung, and I said "Why don't we build a music therapy institution for children? I would like to incorporate my psychological approach with Namjoon's specialization. A music for healing."

"That sound like a great idea to me. I will take care of all the legal works and make sure the children are in a safe environment." Hoseok agreed.

"Music and artist for healing... that's a good concept. But what do we call the business, it has to have a name. Like we'd build a music empire that would make history." Namjoon uttered.

"Why not something that have something to do with the history of this place and our journey... Something nostalgic but not melodramatic. And we also need a branding, like a tagline for marketing and advertising." Seokjin-hyung explained.

I looked up at the sky and said "why not "Brave Heart (B.H), and the tagline is 'Be The Strength' (BTS), I think that works pretty cool."

"Be the strength huh? that sounds promising. We block the stereotype and fight against discrimination. We will speak for the people who struggles with mental and social issues through music and art." Namjoon and Hoseok chorused.

"Alright! Sounds like a plan! let's get it!" Seokjin-hyung yelled excitedly.

"Let's get it!"