Let Go

Chapter 14- Oscillate

I woke up to the hissing sound of the grounded copper wires in a white room, with a splitting headache. The blinding white lights from four circular LED bulbs was placed directly in front of my face. As I tried to get up from the bed, I realized that I have been strapped in the neck, in my chest, on my wrists, my waist, my legs and my ankles. "Doctor, he's awake." an unfamiliar voice spoke, just above my headboard. I looked up but the light made it difficult for me to make anything out of those silhouettes standing above my head.

"Hi, do you hear me well? Are you fully awake and conscious?" A man in a very compelling voice asked me. "I suppose I am. Where am I?"

I asked back but he didn't answer me. Instead he spoke loudly with a "PERFECT! We shall now begin the operation!"

Operation? Was I injured heavily? I recon it was a hospital but what do I need the operation for?

"What's your name?"

"Min Yoongi."

"Age?"

"14."

"Date of birth?"

"Ninth of March. 1993"

"Oh, hoho. Belated Happy Birthday then. So, you tried registering for Korean Life Assistance Program huh?"

"Yes."

"Oh, it must be difficult. Do you remember how you got here?"

"I don't. I can't remember a thing since we left the head quarters."

"Really? They sent you here for psychological assessment and rehabilitation." he rubbed a cotton swab with alcohol on my neck. "Now, I want you to breathe deeply, okay? Inhale as much as you can then hold it in. I'll count to three, when I say "inhale", take all you can in, okay?"

I tried to nod... "Alright... Here we go. One... Two--" just as I was preparing to breath in, he suddenly chucked something in my neck. I can hear the slurping noises as a hot liquid started to run through my vein. "Good boy! We're done. See, it wasn't painful, right?" he laughed a little. "No, it's not..." I felt drowsy and I started to slowly fall asleep.

The next thing I knew, I was inside a room filled with safety cushions on the wall. I'm tied with a straight jacket and securely padlocked from behind. My mouth was covered by a silver-grey tape. "Duct tape?" the room was in complete silence, dark, and isolated. The only light I see was a blinking red dot at the far corner of the room. I wanted to shout for help. But I am restrained. My right foot was chained to the wall. I can't get anywhere.

Every three to four hours, someone will open the door, inject me something, and force me to swallow four pills which I don't know what for. Then, they'll put the tape back to my mouth. I can't go to the bathroom. They chained my neck and pull me out if I need to be cleaned, bathed or if I have to go to that one room where all they do is make me sleep. And when I wake up, I feel groggy and weak.

I didn't sign up for this. I don't even know what day or time it was, or how long have I been there. But one day, they just unchained me. They said, I'm starting to recover and I can now walk around the hospital. But walking seemed tiring, so I just ended up lying inside my room. One of the nurses came up to me one time and whispered in my ear, "Don't you want to visit your friends?"

My friends?? What does she mean?

"Christian is at Room 1217 on the second floor of building one. Jungkook is at 2344. He's on the same floor, second building." My eyes grew wide. I tried to stand. I took my first step with wobbly legs. I wanted to see them. But when I did, I wished I never did.

Jungkook was inside a room, strapped just how I was the first day I was here. His eyes were covered with a blindfold. They shaved his head and a lot of suctioned wires were attached all around his head, his temples, his nape, and on his chest. They were monitoring his brain activities and Vital signs. His right hand was swollen with multiple marks of needle. Those gentle, tiny hands... they were bruised badly. The anesthesiologist put a new needle in his wrist, having no more vein available on top of his hand. I saw Jungkook's face grimaced in pain. His blindfold was wet with tears. After a few moments, they took a wire and tapped it in his shoulder lightly. He jerked lightly but it seemed like he was not hurt. Did they numb him on purpose?

They then turned him, taped the wire behind his ears and began to turn the lever up. I saw Jungkook convulsed violently. It was torturous. I clasped my hand in my mouth. I wanted to shout but my body automatically stopped me from doing so. All I see myself doing was to stand still and watch Jungkook suffer in silence. His mouth begun foaming. My knees gave in. I could feel my chest tighten up and I felt like I would collapse soon. My heart was about to explode and the pain was too much. But no tears came out. I can't understand what's going on. Soon, two nurses came to my aid and brought me back to my room. They injected me that serum again, and made me swallow those pills. I went back to sleep.

As soon as I woke up, the first thought that came to my mind was to look for Jimin. I tried to stand but my knees and legs won't cooperate. I requested if I could go around in wheelchair. They lent me one.

I have prepared myself for the worst but my heart fails me everytime. I hope, at the very least, that Jimin survives. And I went to his room. I was there, staring at the door, contemplating on whether to open the door or not. Then I heard wheels of the hospital bed screaching from the inside. I moved back.

The door opened and five nurses were pushing Jimin's bed. One was holding the oxygen mask on Jimin's nose and mouth, while the other one was holding the I.V. right above his head. I froze. But I got back to my senses and immediately followed where they went. I was not allowed inside the operating room. After almost two hours, the doctors came out. I asked them how the operation went. They said it went well. I asked what happened. "The patient slipped inside the bathroom and his head smashed on the sink. But he's fine. He'll recover in no time. Are you his family?"

I said yes.

"Are you both from Busan?"

I said no. I can't lie. I tried to say yes, but my lips would only say the truth. Then they asked me, "How are you his family then?" I spoke in a low voice "We are both survivors of the Dalbang incident." They then started to ask questions, and I feed them with answers. That's when I knew, I can't protect anyone by lying. I am not capable of lying anymore. They let me stay with Jimin. I held his hand tightly, carefully brushing his hair with my fingers. I watched him until the nurses came and took me back to my room because it's time for "medicine". I promised him I'll be back. I sincerely wished he would wake up soon.

Days turned to weeks, those pills became my maintenance medicine. They soon started to give me physical therapy so that I could gain my agility and strength. I visited Jimin everyday. I tried to visit Jungkook but the nurses said he's not ready to receive any visitors just yet. But I know that wasn't true. So I took a deep breath, mustered enough courage, and I asked the doctor, "Why are you doing this to Jungkook? He's suffering." The doctor looked at me intently and said, "We aren't doing anything bad. It's part of the protocol."

I mean, what kind of a bullshit response was that. The kid is literally one step closer to dying. Why would you say there was nothing wrong with that? And what in the f*****g holy mother of earth do you mean it was part of the protocol?!

The doctor asked me to sit down and speak with him at the office. I followed him. On his desk sat a Newton's Cradle which continuously swung back and forth. His room was filled with monochromatic furnitures except for the red-toned vintage grandfather's clock. The pendulum swayed in sync with the Newton's Cradle. It was distracting because the sound reminded me of a Thoman Metronome. It gives me chills, the thumping sound felt like it was ticking my bones. I looked at the Doctor. He was spinning his ball-point pen in his thumb, occationally clicking on the bob button of it at the top. He sighed, and then he spoke in his usual compelling voice. "Jeon Jungkook has been diagnosed with Posttraumatic depression and anxiety. But what makes him difficult to heal psychologically is the fact that he also has Munchausen Syndrome." He shifted his seat to the left and looked at the window. "You see, Munchausen is a factitious disorder stemming from trauma at early childhood, which is exactly what is going on right now. He believes in his heart that he's sick even when he's physically fine. He would act up, throw a fit or self-mutiliate if he doesn't get what he wants. And the worst part is, he can never have the thing... no, the person that he wants."

There it was again, that heavy pinching pain that stabs my heart... "This Vante person, we looked into his records. He's dead, isn't he?" My head felt heavy that I almost couldn't nod. "We tried different methods to remove him as a part of Jungkook's memory but the kid was mentally stronger than what we anticipated. Whenever his medicines wear off, he would shout and cry and hurt himself, just calling his name repeatedly. We tried everything but the only way we could help him is to keep him sedated so he would not try to kill himself."

Those was the most hurtful words I have ever heard from someone. I never knew how badly Vante's death had impacted Jungkook. He died and I was not even able to apologize to him. I never even had the chance to see him or send him off properly. It felt like everything was my fault. And I regret that I survived but I had to live in this world without him. And I don't know what to do. "What else can we do? Something that is not going to hurt him anymore?"

The doctor stood up, walked behind me and grabbed my shoulders. I can feel the weight he's putting on my shoulder. "The only thing left that we could try, is for us to perform hypnosis and alter his memory. Since he can't let go of Vante, we'll just bring him to the time when he was still alive. But there will be a down-side to it." I threw him a glance "What is it?" I responded with a question. He grinned dryly. "He will not grow mentally. He'll stay in those memories of his childhood. If he ever go past the mental age when the incident happened, everything will come crumbling down to ashes. Are you ready to take that risk?"

My mind went blank for a second. My heart was confused, between the yes and the no, which one should I choose? Which one will save him from all these pain?

"I need another person's opinion. Would it be okay if I have to go and see him first?" The doctor nodded. "You need each other. Please think about this carefully."

I stepped out of the office and rushed towards Jimin's room. He's still unconscious. I knelt down and I tried to cry. It was difficult because no tears would come out. I held his hand so tightly and I prayed so hard. And when I felt those tears escaped my eyes, I cried my heart out. Nobody deserved to suffer because of me. If they both would be saved, I prayed, then I would gladly give up my life. "Christian, wake up. I need you now."

This pain was taking its toll on me. I went back to the doctor's office. But he was gone, and as I searched for him, I found out he was back into the isolation ward. Jungkook tried to kill himself again. I could barely open my eyes, and I couldn't see clearly through all those tears. The doctor strapped Jungkook again into that bed, and I shouted "Please stop! Stop hurting him! He's just a child!" The doctor said, "the medicines barely work on him. I cannot raise the dosage anymore or his organs will fail. If this keeps up, we can't guarantee if we'll be able to save him next time. We're running out of time. You have to decide."

With a heavy heart, I knew there was no other choice. I wiped my tears, kissed Jungkook on his forehead and gave a bitter smile. Then I nodded once, and gave the doctor my approval.

They asked me to leave the room. And the next day, I visited Jungkook again. He seem to recognize my face. But he doesn't remember me anymore. The doctor explained to me that we need to falsify his memory until he stops thinking about Vante. We had to start over again and make him think Vante was just another kid in the orphanage. I took my time taking care of him. But the guilt grew and eventually consumed me on the inside. Jimin was still in coma, and I have noone else to rely on.

In that one day, the storm was heavy and I can't go out to visit the other buildings. The nurse came into my room to leave me with my food and medicine. I took those pills and flushed them in the toilet. I didn't eat, I just slept the whole day. And in the evening, I woke up with another severe headache. The effect of the medicines have worn off. My body shivered, I could feel the withdrawal from the medicine begun as I trembled violently. I can feel pain again. I felt the extreme sadness and guilt and and all the possible heartache that I have failed to feel when those drugs are in my veins. And I can't take it. I had a mental breakdown. I cried. I screamed. I could hear the dripping water from outside my window as the rain stopped. I could hear the ticking of the clock. I could hear the sound of my heart breaking into a thousand shards like a broken mirror.

A broken mirror.

I rushed into the bathroom, and I stared into my reflection. Oh, God, how I abhor every inch of myself. It makes me want to vomit in disgust. I cursed at myself in the mirror. I screamed my heart out. Then, in the fit of rage, I punched my reflection. The mirror broke, but I could stil see my motherfucking reflection in every piece. And I cried again, "Jimin, I'm sorry. I can't wait for you anymore."

I grabbed the sharpest shard and I punctured it in my arm. I could feel my skin sliced and the shard went through my muscle. I dragged it down from my upper arm down to my wrist. The blood squirted into my face, and all I did was laugh. I was starting to love the pain. And I did the same with my other arm. You know what they say? Horizontal for attention, vertical for results. I felt my self weaken as I bathe in my own blood. And I thought hey, is this the end?

As my eyelids started to feel heavy, a weird figure stood beside me. "Are you the grim reaper? Are you ready to take my soul?" I smiled sarcastically. That person just scoffed at me and said "Don't be too dramatic hyung, it's not your time to die just yet." He leaned closer to me and I saw him. Vante. Then everything went dark.

"Yoongi... I'm here. Don't give up."

"You always visited me, the doctor said. He said you were doing so well... Come on, why leave me now?"

"YOONGI-HYUNG! WAKE UP! PLEASE!!"

"Suga-hyung!!"

I heard the voices. Am I dead?

As I struggled to open my eyes, the voices became clearer to me. It was Jungkook's voice... And... Jimin's??

I jolted up from the bed. Oh, my arms were throbbing. I looked around me. I saw Jungkook's doe eyes while he hugged a pink rabbit stuffed animal. I saw the see through mint colored curtain swaying in the cool breeze coming from the window. I see four stargazer flowers in a vase, placed on a tiny wooden table just under the black, squared wall clock. The entire room was painted in white. I wore a mint colored hospital gown with half of my body covered in a pale blue blanket. From my right hung a bag of blood and I.V. and on the left side of my bed, Jimin's worried face finally smiled. He was holding me in his arm the entire time. And when I mouthed his name, his tears fell down like the rain. And he enveloped me in his tight embrace. "You son of a b***h! Don't you dare leave me behind!" He gently slapped my back. My arms still feels numb but I managed to pull them up to hug him back. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what came to my mind." He sat back and touched my face softly and wiped my tears that I didn't even realize was welling up this whole time. "Don't ever leave me again, promise me, hyung." he raised his pinky finger. I raised mine as well and intertwined it with his tiny pinky and I promised. "I won't do this ever again. I will live from now on to protect you both. I love you."

After two weeks, I was finally able to move my hands well. I had to explain to Jimin Jungkook's situation and he agreed to follow the advise of the doctor. We were transferred to the rehabilitation and recovery facility where we continued to do therapy and meditation. As the years passed, Jungkook was finally assessed as fully recovered and was released. Three weeks later, Jimin and I were also cleared. After we got discharged from the facility, we tried registering again for the government program. There, we finally met up with Jungkook, Namjoon and Jin-hyung.