Let Go

Chapter 8- Conflagration

April 3rd, Sister Eden held the morning call for our monthly confession. Jungkook was an exception being the youngest. Across the Chapel hall was a confessional. We fell in line as we wait for our turn. Vante was first in line, then Christian, me, Hope-hyung, Suga-hyung, Jin-hyung and the rest of the other kids. The girl's line was a separate one from us. We were not allowed to speak loudly during confession. Once each of us was done, we were told to kneel down the altar and pray for hours.

"Tell me, what is your confession?" The voice from the other side of the stall spoke. I went closer so I could hear. "Mother, may God forgive me for what I am about to do." Vante began. "There is someone very special to me that I want to protect. I am afraid that he would be taken away from me and so I..." the rest became inaudible as he started to speak in a lower voice. Christian glanced at me. "Are you going to listen to my confession as well?" he uttered as he crossed his arms. "It's fine with me. I have nothing to hide anyway. Go on." he tilted his head to the left, signalling me to step aside. Vante came out with his head hang low, and went straight to the altar to kneel down and pray. Christian went in next. "Mother is it a sin to kill someone who is trying to harm you and the people around you?" he started. I was taken aback. Even Mother sounded shocked to hear those words, "it is a sin to take any person's life no matter who he is or how evil he may be," she replied. "Then, may God forgive me. I might become a sinner soon." he chuckled and left. He scared everyone off. "What was that about?" Suga-hyung asked. I was too shaken to answer. "Hey, get inside." Hope-hyung gave me a light thud to get me back on my senses.

The day was full of church activities. I stayed to clean up the chapel. I mopped the floor and wiped the pews. I heard footsteps by the balcony, but didn't bother to look up. It would either be Suga-hyung or Christian. "Randa-hyung, have you seen Suga-hyung? I can't find him anywhere." A voice shouted from above. It was Vante. I stopped mopping at the sound of his voice and looked at him. "What for?" I yelled back. "There's something I need to speak with him about!"

"Have you checked his room? If he's not there, he's probably at the restricted area."

"Alright, I'll check his room first. Thanks!" he waved his hand and left. It didn't occur to me what he had done next.

Having not seen Suga-hyung in his room, Vante went out to look for him at the garden. He remembered where the secret passage to the restricted area is. He went inside with no hesitation and found Suga-hyung on his knees, praying. "Suga-hyung..." he called out in a low voice. Suga looked at him. He jumped to his feet and walked to where Vante stood. "Hope, he's leaving next week. I wanted to let him know how much I appreciate him and that I am thankful for the friendship he has given me all throughout these years. But I don't think he sees me the same way as I do for him." he murmured. "Hope-hyung... is leaving??" Vante echoed.

We were not prepared for this. Noone is, and up to this point, Hope-hyung hadn't muster up the courage to tell Vante he's finally getting adopted. Vante ran away with his hands violently clasped in his mouth. His eyes couldn't stop welling out salty tears. He ran into the creek, where he curled up like a caterpillar under the roots of the maple tree. And he cried his heart out. Unbeknownst to him, Christian saw him came out of the restricted area. He thundered to his place and beat him to a pulp. Vante broke a rib and blood came gushing out of his nose. But he stayed curled up despite the blows. Christian grabbed him by his hair and pulled him up. "I told you not to steal what's mine. You are going to regret this. I'll let you know how painful it feels to lose someone you love, more painful than all your bruises and wounds right now."

Vante did not even flinch. He stared at him with a blank expression which flared his anger even more. He raised his arm and made a fist, and just as he was about to swing, a tiny cracked voice cried, "Vante-hyung! Where are you?" They both looked at the direction where the voice came from. "Jungkook?" his lips trembled as he spoke of his name. Christian's eyes glistened as the corner of his lips curved into a sinister smirk. Vante saw the change in his expression and he grabbed him by the collar. "Not him. I'm not coming close to anyone anymore, but don't you dare touch Jungkook!" he grunted under his breath. Christian swatted his hand off and dropped him to the floor. "Too late." he laughed and walked away.

Vante felt every pain in his body. All he could do was to curl up even more. Trembling in fear, he wrapped his arms around his legs and coiled himself under the tree. Soon, tiny footsteps came closer. "Vante-hyung..." his little hands tried to reach out to him. "Don't," he warned. "I don't want you to see me like this." Vante pleaded. "What happened? Are you hurt?" Jungkook crouched, trying to see Vante's face in the dark. "I told you, stay away from me! Leave!" he pushed Jungkook and he fell into the ground. His elbow got scraped with one of those rough stones mounted on the muddy soil. He let out a loud cry. Jin-hyung heard him and ran outside. It began to rain. "What is going on in here? Oh my holy mother of God! Vante!" Jin-hyung called for help. Hope-hyung and I came to his aide. "What's going on?" Hope-hyung asked and was obviously flustered at the sight of Vante's condition. "What happened to you?" he tried to help Vante up but he smacked his hand. "I'm fine, I just fell off the tree. I can manage." it was noticeable that he can't even stand up. "Treat Jungkook, he's wounded. Don't worry about me." he pushed his left hand on his left knee to stand while his right hand scrambled to find balance as he fumbled by the trunk of the tree. "Jin-hyung, have Jungkook sleep in your room tonight. He might not be able to sleep if he sees my face. I don't want him to have a nightmare." he stepped forward, slowly, dragging himself away, his legs were limping.

"What happened?" Hope-hyung repeated his question, but no one knew the answer. Suddenly, Suga-hyung arrived, "Hope, I'm sorry. I didn't know Vante was not aware of your adoption. I was having trouble telling Christian that I, myself, will soon leave as well. I asked Vante how he would react on the situation having you leaving soon. I told him I want to thank you for all you've done for me and wish you well before you leave. But it hadn't occurred to me that he didn't know you are leaving soon. I guess I've hurt his feelings." Suga-hyung admitted. "Did you two get into a fight?" Hope-hyung intentionally disregarded Suga-hyung's words. He was more worried with Vante than Suga-hyung's fault. "No, we did not. He ran away after hearing from me about the situation. Why?"

"He looked like someone beat him up." Jin-hyung replied "come along, dear. Let's clean your wound." He carried Jungkook on his shoulders just like he always do. No One really knew what happened that day. The following morning, the day seemed... heavy. An unexplainable feeling clouded over us. Taehyung locked himself inside his room again. Suga-hyung slept inside the attic. Jungkook sat alone by the foyer, and Christian, he was standing behind the maple tree, looking at Jungkook intently.

"Why do you look so sad...?" he implied. Jungkook looked behind him and saw Christian. "Vante-hyung... Does he hate me?" he's already on the verge of crying, tiny bead of tears glided at the corner of his eyes. Christian pulled his sweater's sleeve and wiped Jungkook's tears. "Don't cry. He's not mad at you. He's just sick. He'll come out and play again once he's recovered." he smiled again.

That treacherous smile. That fake angelic smile. Jungkook's face lightened up after hearing those words. "Really? Do you think he's going to be okay?" he clutched at Christian's fingers. He just kept on smiling. "Of course," he nodded, "and while he's resting, why don't you and I play? Do you want to be friends with me?" he said. Jungkook nodded firmly. "Yes! I want to have many friends!" he stood up. "I have a camera. Do you know how to use a camera? Vante-hyung taught me how!" Christian shook his head. "I don't. But I can be your model. You can take pictures of me."

It was easy to gain Jungkook's trust. He's innocent, and young, and... too naive of the world's harshness. His smile is all it took to steal Jungkook away. "I know a place where you can take pretty pictures!" he suggested. "Sister will be mad if I go outside. She said kids can't step out of the orphanage." Jungkook sighed. "Don't worry, you have me. I won't let you be alone. We'll do everything together from now on." he stretched out his pinky finger and intertwined it with Jungkook's. "You'll be me and i'll be you. Promise." Jungkook lifted his head up and grinned happily. "Promise!"

Christian brought Jungkook to the plaza. There's a wishing fountain at the center of the square and a garden maze close to it by the east wing. Jungkook climbed the ridge of the fountain and took a photo of the little guppy fish that swam beneath the coin-filled waters. Next, he ran to the cart of fruits and took a photo of the shiny red apples. Lastly, they let themselves get lost in the maze filled with yellow, pink and red roses and carnations. Jungkook was so delighted to see these sceneries. As it got darker, Christian brought him at the bridge and let him take photos of the sunset and the river. He wanted to take more but the shift displayed "1". He said "I only have one film left. I'll save it for something special. Let's go home."

A week has passed and it seemed like Jungkook had forgotten about Vante. Christian thought he succeeded stealing Jungkook away from him. The day finally arrived when Hope-hyung has to leave. He took one last look at Vante's locked door. He knocked and spoke in front of the door, "Vante, will you see me one last time please?" No response came from the other side. Up to the last minute, he stopped and wait for him to come out. He thought to himself, "if he comes out, I will not sign the paper." But not even a glimpse of his shadow showed up. In the end, Hope-hyung left without seeing Vante. Jin-hyung, Christian, Jungkook and I see him off. But Suga-hyung was nowhere to be found either.

Soon, we went back inside the orphanage. Jungkook asked for a pen. I don't know what for, but I gave him a purple pen. He squatted down and begun scribbling. "Randa-hyung, look all these pretty photos! I hope Vante-hyung would be happy to see this."

I sat closer to him and watched him write down messages in wobbly letters. "Do you think he can read my handwriting? I just learned how to write. Christian-hyung taught me a lot of things! He said I am smart and I learn quickly!" I looked at the finished ones. He wrote:

"Vante-hyung, Look at the fountain. I threw a penny and wish you recover well."

"Vante-hyung, apples are your favorite right? I don't have money to buy so i just took a photo. I hope you get well soon."

"Vante-hyung, look at the flowers. They are as pretty as you."

"Vante-hyung, look at the sunset. I wish we've watched this together. It's pretty like the color of your eyes when I first met you."

The last one was a piece of paper, it said "Vante-hyung, I only have one last polaroid film left. Let's take a picture of us when you come out of your room. Saranghae hyung."

It made me tear up, and it hurt my throat to try and silently swallow them up inside. Jungkook never forgot his hyung. He ran to his door and slide each one of them through the gap beneath the threshold. And he whispered, "I love you. Get well sooner!"

Christian couldn't understand how someone so cold can be loved so much while he was a nice, kind and warm person and still no one would choose him. He cried and gritted his teeth in anger and stormed out of the orphanage. He went to the chapel, angrily smashing the keys of the piano. I could hear it from these walls. Soon it stopped so I assumed he got tired or gave up on his tantrums. But I was wrong. He took Jungkook to his room and locked him inside. Then, he went to the shed and took some kerosene out. He uncapped the gallon and walked in from the backdoor by the kitchen; he let the kerosene leak from the plastic container as he drag it around. Then, he took the match and the candle that was kept in the cupboard; he went up the stairs, and walked around the halls. The kerosene left a strong stench of a used gasoline. Lastly, He splashed it in front of his room's door. The kerosene spreaded and flooded the small space which served as a hallway for the boy's room. Then, he went inside and locked jungkook inside his closet, poured the last of the kerosene on his bed and table; he left the candle burning on top of it, locked the windows and door, and left.

The time was ticking and the danger comes near, and everyone was unaware of it. Little did he know that Suga-hyung was inside of the orphanage as well. Soon, the candle was all burnt out. The last drip of wax evaporated and the flame caught the kerosene.

And, he was out there. In the cold of the night which had turned warm with the blazing fire. The flame quickly spread and it set the place in total conflagration. He smiled through the scene as he slowly walked towards the restricted area. He went in with confidence. But when he got inside, noone was there. He felt his body turned cold and his palms began to sweat. He quickly ran back but the fire has consumed the orphanage too much. He wanted to go back but there was no way in. He saw with his eyes how the nuns ran away and rode in cars, trying to save only themselves. Some were lucky to be at a safer place where they could easily break their windows and jump outside. But Vante's room was at the far end of the south wing of the hall.

Soon, he felt the heat and the smoke began to creep between the gaps of the burning wall. Vante quickly rose and tried to touch the knob but it was too hot. Luckily, his room had its own bathroom. He hastened and soaked a blanket and ran towards the door. Beneath the thick sheets of black smoke, he noticed the polaroid films. He picked them up, and he saw the letters. His first thought was to find Jungkook. He placed the photos in his breast pocket and ran as fast as he could. He opened the door to Jungkook's room, and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw noone was there. He then checked each room. Some cannot be saved anymore. He witnessed as the burning lumbers fell and buried the other children underneath. He heard the squall of the dying children inside their rooms. He tried to rescue as many as he could. But some to no avail. Then he quickly ran to the end of the hall. He broke the stained glass and just when he was about to jump. He heard a voice. "H-help..." it was coming from above.

"An attic?" with no hesitation, he climbed the wooden ladder hurriedly. Under the cloud of smoke, Suga-hyung laid unconscious. He wrapped him in is wet blanket and covered his mouth and nose with the hem of his clothes. He carried him in his arms and jumped outside the broken window.

"Christian, help me! Make sure he can catch his breath. He inhaled too much smoke.Take care of him, I'll go look for the others."

He first saw Jin-hyung, and he asked to help Christian in taking care of Suga-hyung, then he saw me. I was looking for the others, too. We all gathered by the creek. But I can't find Jungkook. "Where's Kookie? Has anyone seen him?" I asked. Christian started crying, and begging for forgiveness. "Where the f**k is he?!" Vante swore in anger as he grab both of Christian's shoulders. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Vante punched him in the face and busted Christian's lips. He just hugged Suga-hyung tightly and said "I deserve to be hurt..." Vante screamed in anger and was about to give him another blow, but he stopped midway, pulled his blanket off of Suga-hyung and jumped into the water. And then, he went back up. "Tell me where he is." he said in a calmer voice. "Are you insane?!" Jin protested. "Probably, but I wouldn't be as crazy as to take someone's life. I'll be crazy and give mine just to see him alive."

His guilt was eating him up inside, "he's inside my closet. Inside my room", Christian spoke almost in a whispering voice. In a heartbeat, Vante charged towards the ablazed orphanage. "Wait up!" I yelled at him, while I run. "Stay close but don't come in okay? Catch jungkook when you see me by the broken stained glass window." I nodded, keeping myself alert.

Vante barged in and run to the stairs, and quickly went for Christian's room. He had to aggressively bump the door a few times to open it. He opened the closet. Jungkook was pale and barely breathing. Vante wrapped him in the soaken blanket and run to the broken window. "Hyung! Catch!" he tossed little Jungkook outside. I frantically slide my way to catch him. "Step away from there, i'm jumping!" he stepped back, gaining momentum for his jump. But as he paced, ready to leap, I saw the roof collapsed. I saw him plunged down, burrowed under the burning heap of woods and tiles. I can hear him scream in pain. "Vante!!" I shouted repeatedly. Jin run towards me and asked what's wrong. I froze in horror and trauma. I saw Jin cried silent river of tears. He tried to step towards the flame but I held his hand and pulled him back. Our screams must have woken Jungkook up, he heard Vante's voice crying out for help. "bwii...? Vante-hyung??" he finally gained enough consciousness to understand what's happening. He fought his way out of my grasp and tried to run to him. His tiny hands stretched out trying to reach out to him. Jin pulled him close and locked him in his arm, with his left hand covering Jungkook's eyes. Then he turned him around, his gentle hands on Jungkook's head. He burrowed his face on his chest as he tried to hush him down. Jungkook's voice began to crack with continuous whimper in between choked breathing. Until Vante's painful shrieks fade into the night.

Where was God in this chapel? How are we so close to his sanctuary and he still let us taste hell? Your servants left us to die. You let Vante die. I abhor you for that.

Jungkook hiccuped when he noticed Vante's voice was not there anymore. "Vante-hyung??" his voice shook terribly along with his subdued sobs. I felt myself weaken and I dropped to my knees. Jungkook fainted after the long crying hours. Jin and I walked back with Jungkook in his arms, but no more Vante at our side.

From where the maple tree stood, the orphanage looked like autumn leaves. Red, orange, swaying in the wind. Tiny bits of ember danced under the pale gleem of the thin crescent moon. Eerie figures waltzed through the floor under the fire light. The night grew darker as black clouds of smoke covered the night sky.

It was april 12th, the night of Dalbang Institution for Orphans incident. The night we lost 325 lives. 325 dreams ended in eternal sleep.