The Mess Inside Me

Memories of a 4 year old

MEMORIES OF A FOUR YEAR OLD

I don't know if it was spring or summer but I know it was warm because I remember my outfit, it was a sleeveless dress. I remember Troy sitting in a walker on the front porch beside mama. I think he was about 6 months old so I was between three and four. We lived in Carthage Tennessee. That's where I was born and that's where my Daddy was from.

I can see myself standing on the front porch. I was tiny and my hair was white. My older brother Ronnie was cutting the grass. I can't remember where but I got hit by rock that day from the lawnmower.

We had a dog named Popeye. She looked just like Lassie. I remember my moma frantically calling her from across the street. I didn't know why she was calling her that way until I saw the 18 wheeler fly by right as Popeye obeyed Mama's command.

Mama screamed and the lawnmower turned off and my daddy ran to the street. I don't think I knew what happened but I was crying. I always cried when Moma cried or got upset. I knew something was bad wrong.

Later that day mama and Troy were in the house. I was still outside with my daddy on the front porch. By now I've realized Popeye was gone and wasn't coming back. Ronnie was back to cutting grass and my dad was sitting on the steps of the porch. He let me sit in his lap and I liked sitting in his lap for some reason. I wanted attention from him. I waited for Ronnie because he told me he would take me walking through the cow field after he cut the grass. While I sat in my Daddy's lap waiting he put his hand between my legs massaging my private area. I felt very uncomfortable. But I got to sit in his lap.

Ronnie finished cutting the grass and we went walking through the cow field. We did that pretty often. I can remember waiting for him to get home from school to take me. I liked to pick the flowers and mushrooms. I feel protected when I was with Ronnie . Now that I look back on it I think he knew something wasn't right . That's about the only memory I have of living in Tennessee. That was about 1977.

I think Ronnie is 5 years older than me.

Things I was told by mama that happened prior to my birth. I born in Rutherfordton North Carolina 1973.

Her and daddy moved to Carthage Tennessee. Not sure when. Troy was born in Carthage Tennessee and 1976.

Not long after Popeye got hit we moved to South Carolina for short time. I'm pretty sure it was only a few months because I was still four. Kim lived there with her mom, Sandra, my mama's niece. Kim was 5. She went to school already. Barne died while we were there, that was Daddy's daddy. We had to stay with the neighbors while Mama and Daddy went to Tennessee to his funeral . I hated it . Sissy came from North Carolina and took me and Troy back to our house and stayed with us til Mama got back and I was so glad.

Very shortly after Barn died we move back to Georgia. I remember the house we lived in and playing outside and I haven't started school yet. I was six years old and started school in the first grade in 1979. It wasn't a state law that I had to go to kindergarten although I wanted to. But my daddy said I couldn't go to school until I was in the first grade because I was too smart. I remember crying and pitching a fit to go to kindergarten but I had to wait a whole nother year and start first grade.

The house we moved into was on Oak Street and it was at a dead end. My sister and Angie lived with us and so did Davy. I think Davy was around eighteen because he drove a car . Or maybe he was still in high school . Barry was in the Marines and was stationed somewhere else. The only memories I have of living in that house are playing outside with Angie. I remember still wetting my pants and Angie did too. She was 14 months younger than me. We got in trouble for wetting our pants. My daddy was usually the one to punish us. He made Angie sit on the toilet while he found her some clean clothes. I remember him fussing at her and telling her she was too big to be doing that and she was sitting on the toilet crying. He punished me a little different. I would have to take my wet pants off he would s***k me and then I had to sit on the toilet for what seems like forever. When I was allowed to get up he would come in there and snatch me by my arm off the toilet. I knew I was too big to still be peeing in my pants but for some reason I still did it about 2 or 3 times a week . And when I did pee my pants I would intimidate Angie and make her do it too so I wasn't the only one that got in trouble. I don't know why I did that but I was mean to her. Now that I'm grown I think maybe it was because I was jealous because I felt like I got into trouble a lot more than her or my punishment was worse than hers. Either way I was not getting in trouble alone. One time I was trying to make her pee in her pants instead of going inside because I had already peed in mine. I was scared to go in the house because I didn't want him to notice that my pants were wet. And I didn't want her to go in there by herself because I knew she would tell on me. She was playing with a piece of wood that had a nail in it. She refused to pee in her pants like I had done so I snatched the wood away from her and the nail cut her hand. She had to go to the hospital and get stitches and that's the first time I can remember sissy yelling at me. My feelings were crushed because I know I have disappointed my sissy and I was very close to her . She was my favorite person in the whole world other than mama. She was almost like a mother to me . I'm not sure how old I was before I finally stop doing that. But I did wet the bed until I was 12.

My daddy was disabled and didn't work. In fact I don't ever remember him working. Mama told me that when I was a baby he was a carpenter. We had a couple of end tables that she told me he made but that's as far as I know about his employment.

Mama and Sissy work and he stayed home with me Angie and Troy.

At this time I didn't feel like the way I was treated by Daddy was necessarily wrong but I did feel like he likes Troy better than me. I always felt like that. Troy could do whatever he wanted to and got away with everything. I would get my a*s tore up or some other kind of punishment for the tiniest little thing. Sometimes I would get in trouble for things that Troy did like the time he wandered off from the yard. I remember my daddy being mad towards me when he came outside and could not find Troy. We found him at the 7-Eleven way up the street after we called the police and Jimi ey and Joe and Davy to search for him. I remember crying hysterically but I don't know if it's because my daddy was mad at me or if because mama was crying I just remember crying.