Ten Years

3

I pull into my parents driveway. I realize i didn’t even stop for lunch when I hear my belly making a gargle noise. I was too focused on getting my kids. I know my mom offered to watch them, but I always feel guilty leaving them.

Kyla is 6 and is very emotional. She is kinda wishy washy, which she gets from me. She is a mamas girl, but sometimes we seem to clash because we are so much alike.

Koda is 3 and he is very good at sitting and playing by himself. He is obsessed with letters and numbers and is already teaching himself to read.

I walk in without knocking and yell out to them.

“Knock knock? Anyone home?”

“Nooooooo!” I hear Koda yell back from the living room.

I smile and let myself in. Harper is asleep so I leave her in her car seat. I can hear giggles coming from the living room. I make my way through the kitchen.

When I walk into the living room I can see that the kids are hiding under a blanket on the couch.

“I seem to have lost your kids Willow. I’m sorry,” my mom says through a smile.

“Oh no!” I say dramatically. “Well I’m sure they will show up soon. I’ll just take a nap on the couch while I wait.

“Mommy, mommy! Nooooo!” Screams Koda From under the blanket. “We are right here! Don’t lay on us!”

“Oh my good golly gosh! I had NO idea you were there!” I say laughing. “Hey guys, it’s time to go. Mommy is hungry and I need to do some chores before daddy gets home.”

“But Mommmmmmmy!” Kyla whines, “I didn’t even get the play with the barbies yet!”

“You can play with them next time.” I say while I grab their shoes. Just then I hear Harper. She is crying. Great. She is probably hungry too. I really want her to wait until we get home so I can get some food In me. Breastfeeding takes so much energy and I feel so weak with hunger. Within seconds she is screaming at the top of her lungs. I start shaking with anxiety.

The next thing I know, all 3 of them are crying. The big kids don’t want to leave. I drag them out to the car and wrestle them into their car seats. I click Harper’s car seat into the base and get in the driver seat. Everyone is still screaming and I shake more. I just want to be somewhere alone and quiet. Why are they like this. When I pictured motherhood, this is not what I saw.

I waved to my mom and she looked at me with a knowing smile. She always made it seem so easy.

I spot a drive through on my way home. I’m still trying to toon out my kids yelling. My podcast is helping me concentrate. I pull into the drive through and I hear the kids in the back of the van.

“I want a happy meal!” Kyla yelled.

“Me too!” Her younger brother copied.

Against my better judgement, I ordered them each the food they requested.

I pull up to pay, then to get the food. The kids are cheering at the sight of the red paper boxes being handed to me. I pull up and get out of the car so I can give them their food. I know they aren’t going to eat it. They never do. I was really just hoping it would shut them up for the rest of the drive. I get them situated and get back Into the driver seat. I adjust my rear view mirror.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I say out loud as I look at my kids in the back of the van. They were both passed out. Probably worn out from my moms house, then crying for 20 min. “I freaking knew they wouldn’t eat that food!” Harper is still whining, but I was glad that they at least were quiet.

I eat my food on the drive home. I was hoping to get some energy to feed Harper when we got home. I could see my driveway when my phone rang.

“Hello?” I said eagerly. It was Joel, my husband. I always freak out a little when he calls me while he is working. More than once I have gotten calls after he has gotten hurt at work. Once he had gotten his finger caught in an industrial fan. I almost passed out when he had told me about it. “Is everything alright?”

“Haha yeah babe. I’m sorry I scared you. I just got a second so I thought I would call.”

“Oh ok good. I am just getting home.” I say as I pull into the garage that goes into the basement of our house.

“Oh cool, where did you go?” He asks.

I roll my eyes. “Remember I had a dr. Appointment?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey Clyde asked me and Donny to get dinner with him tonight.”

Ahhh there it is. The reason he called. “Well I already have chicken thawing, but I guess we can have that tomorrow.”

“Ok thanks babe. Hey I gotta go. They are calling for me on the radio. I’ll see you after dinner.” He hangs up the phone quickly.

I sink down in my seat. I struggle internally. I want him to have a good time with his friends, but it just means more time I’m stuck at home with the kids. I rarely get to go anywhere. Heck, I can barely even shower alone.

I haul each kid up the stairs one at a time. Kyla and Koda were still asleep so I put each of them in their beds and then go get Harper. She has started screaming again. I take her into my room and we lay on the bed facing each other. I lift my shirt and bra and she latches on. She is breathing so heavily at first, then gets into a rhythmic pattern and sounds so peaceful. She can never hold still even while eating. Her hands and feet are moving around, trying to grab anything she can reach. Anytime she hears a little noise she pulls away and turns to investigate. I’m still not very good at breastfeeding. I bottle fed the other 2. It’s definitely a different experience. She eats for about 10 minutes on each side then falls fast asleep snuggled into my breast.

I start to drift off myself and find myself day dreaming again.