Abroad

chapter 2

2

Izzy knew it was probably futile, but she still banged on Nat’s door at seven a.m. just to let her feelings out. Both Dex and Jonny were out, so she felt absolutely no compunction about the noise-making.

No response. She wiggled the handle and found it unlocked, so she stepped in.

Empty, obviously. She stood there and just looked at the messy bed.

She hated this. She hated everything about this. She hated that one of her closest friends had thrown a grenade at her and disappeared, she hated that she couldn’t sleep last night and now felt like a wet rag, she hated that she hadn’t known.

How could she have not known? How could Nat have f*****g—been in love with her, what, this whole time, and Izzy not known? What the f**k else did she not know? Was she really as emotionally clueless as Dex sometimes implied she was?

“Fuck.” Her voice sounded too loud in the empty room. Nat’s room was on the top floor, and Izzy thought she could feel the vast emptiness below her feet. She shivered. “Fuck.”

She turned around, marched downstairs, grabbed her bag, shoved her feet into her boots, and left the house. No makeup, hair a wild ginger mess, wearing only a jumper and leggings, and she didn’t give a flying f**k.

It wasn’t until she was three blocks down from the flat that she realised she had no idea where to go or who to talk to and she’d forgotten a jacket. Dex was too busy being with Nick, she was certain, to be able to talk like a sensible person; Jonny was probably wrapped up in Lance, and anyway, she didn’t want to bug him. Last thing he needed was more drama in his life after what his family had put him through.

And then there was Nat. Who wasn’t answering Izzy’s texts and would definitely not be the person to make Izzy feel better about anything. She was exhausted and wired, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a night as bad as this. Whatever else, she’d always been a solid sleeper.

Fuck it. She pulled out her phone and dialed, going on pure instinct. Alex answered on the fourth ring. He sounded like he’d just woken up. “Iz? You all right? What’s happened?”

She was about to say “nothing,” but when she opened her mouth, a dry sob escaped instead.

“Izzy? Babe, what’s going on?” Poor Alex, she’d never actually phoned him before. Only texted.

“I’m so sorry, but I just really need to talk to someone,” she finally managed. “Can I come over?”

+

An hour later, Alex opened his door. It was a genuine relief to see his familiar face—chiselled nose, strong mouth, stupidly impeccable dark skin. She felt her breath whoosh right out of her.

He took one look at her and wrapped her up in a bear hug. He was one of the few people tall enough for her to be able to bury her face in his chest. Her breath shuddered out of her, and she felt Alex tightening his hold, so f*****g comforting and lovely. He smelled like sleep, and she was enveloped in the most immediate need to pass the f**k out. She didn’t even care that his parents might be around.

“Mmph.”

“Babe, what’s the matter?”

She shook her head and clung on. “Can we just, like, spoon or something? Need a cuddle something desperate.”

She felt Alex huff out a laugh before he separated them and led her up the stairs. She’d only been here once before, a year ago or so, when Alex had them all over for a roast whilst his parents had been on holiday. Alex still lived with his parents because it was the most sensible thing to do, he’d told them, but she knew he low-key resented having to. Still, it was a nice place. Clean, bright, with a lovely garden out back.

“C’mere,” Alex said once they were in his room, and pulled her down onto his messy bed.

A few months ago, she might have blushed about it, to be honest. Alex, with his smooth, dark skin and chiselled features, was unbelievably, incredibly gorgeous, and Izzy was only human. Now, though, all she wanted, truly, was a hug, and she sank against him before turning over and arranging them so she was the little spoon and he was the lanky, tall one wrapped all around her. A few months ago, she might have even been self-conscious about her oh-so-soft belly, but now his hands felt comforting on her. She shuffled her feet until they were tucked up under his duvet and sighed.

He didn’t speak, and Izzy took a while to find her words. In the end, she said, “Nat’s in love with me. And I didn’t know.”

She felt him go very, very still.

“Did you know?”

More stillness, and then Alex’s quiet voice. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

She groaned. “Did everybody but me know, or what?”

Alex’s hand on her belly tightened as he scooted a tiny bit closer.

“Fuck.”

“How … how did you find out?”

“f*****g told me, didn’t she? Last night. Threw it at me and ran the f**k off.” She felt the tears welling up in her belly, did her best to tamp them down. She was so, so tired. She found herself trembling and cold, the way she always did when she was bone-f*****g exhausted. Alex hooked his chin over her shoulder and pulled the duvet farther over them.

“Iz…” His breath was warm against her ear. She shut her eyes.

“What do I do now? We hadn’t talked properly in weeks, then she dropped this bombshell, and now she probably won’t talk to me again. We were friends, it’s so unfair.”

“I know.” Another squeeze. Distantly, she wondered if Alex had always been this tactile and cuddly or if this was new. “Nat’s complicated.”

Izzy snorted. Understatement of the f*****g year.

“Did … how did she tell you?”

“Said, ‘Hey, let’s talk.’ We met at a bar. She, like … she apologised, I suppose, for avoiding me and being a pain and whatnot, and then said, ‘So here’s the thing, I was mad at you turning queer because I’m in love with you,’ and then f*****g buggered off.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Izzy’s heart beat fast and hollow in her chest—another sign she needed sleep more than she needed air. She took a deep breath, felt her eyes prickling. Christ, she was a mess.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she whispered. “And nobody was home. Not Jonny, not Dex, nobody, and she won’t text me back, and I feel like I’ve lost the goddamn plot, and I’m just so f*****g tired, and I can’t think, and I can’t write, and I’m just so angry with her, Alex, I am so angry and I want her back and it isn’t fair, it just isn’t.”

“Shh, I know, babe, I know.” Alex was rocking them a little, soothing her like she was a child, and stupid as it was, she did find herself feeling soothed. He was such a good cuddler. No one was better than Dex, but in a pinch this was exactly what she needed.

“Can I stay here to sleep for a bit?” she asked, plaintive as a child.

“’Course. Stay as long as you need.”

“Ta.”

In the quiet of Alex’s bedroom, Izzy finally felt her breathing slow, her heart relax, and then she knew nothing at all.

+

Izzy woke up suddenly, clawing her way to consciousness with an urgent need she couldn’t pinpoint. For the first moment of being vaguely awake, she thought, something’s wrong, and then she remembered.

She sighed and rubbed a hand over her face before rolling over. The bed was empty behind her, but Alex wasn’t too far away. He’d wedged himself into a chair, scrolling through his phone like a dark question mark. How all of him fit into that space, she didn’t know. His bony feet were basically sliding off the cushion, but he’d wrapped one arm around his shins and didn’t look like he was uncomfortable. Weirdo. Izzy smiled and pulled the covers higher over herself until just her face was exposed.

“Morning,” she rasped.

Alex looked over and smiled. “Afternoon.”

“Needed to sleep.”

“I know.” His smile dropped off, and he threw his phone to the ground like it was nothing. “Want a cuppa or something?”

Izzy considered it, but for now all she wanted was to continue lying here in Alex’s narrow, sunny bedroom and ignore the rest of the world. “Nah, thanks.”

Their silence filled the room like an expanding balloon. Izzy wanted to ask a million things, but didn’t know where to start. Alex looked like he was struggling with the same problem.

She sighed again and shut her eyes. “I’m just so f*****g sad, man.”

She heard the slide of fabric against fabric, and then the light behind her eyelids dimmed. Alex fit himself in the curved space between her belly and knees. His hand felt so nice as he swept her hair away from her face. Despite everything, she felt a bit of a thrill at that. She’d never fully allowed herself that thrill, because for a while, Alex had been taken, and also, it just didn’t seem possible that he’d ever look at her that way, anyway. “I know. It sucks.”

She was very aware of her breathing. Stop it. Now was not the time. Of all things, she hadn’t expected to wake up with her own version of morning wood, but then again, Alex. If you didn’t have a reaction to him, you were either dead, not into blokes at all, or ace, she supposed, but Izzy very much was not any one of those. Still. This was Alex, her friend Alex.

She rolled over onto her back and blinked up at him. “Dunno what to do. Why wouldn’t she—why wouldn’t she have told me sooner? Or never told me at all, like, she’s bound to get over it now, isn’t she?”

Alex frowned. “Why would she?”

Izzy scrambled up until she was no longer lying there like a hapless damsel and hugged her knees over the duvet. “Well, like…” She gathered her thoughts as best she could. “First of all, Nat goes through people like, well, I dunno, me, I suppose? Although she has actual relationships … but they don’t last, do they?” She chewed on her lip. “And then, we haven’t actually talked at all in ages, and if…” God, her head was in a tangle. She pressed the heel of her hand to one eye and attempted to untangle some of it. “Like, doesn’t something lose its power when you let it out? Now we know—Nat’s in love with me or whatever.” She breathed out. “Well, it’s no longer this … this thing that she’s keeping to herself, so it’s probably gonna get boring. But I guess, if she hadn’t told me, she wouldn’t have got over it, so … so now what, do I just let it go and wait for her to get past it? Will she actually talk to me once it’s done? Can we, like, go back to being friends? Ever? And why me?”

She was well out of breath by the time she stopped her verbal diarrhea, and Alex was looking at her like she’d lost her mind. Well, it was possible she had. It had been a weird twelve or however many hours.

“Babe, that was—I don’t even know where to start.”

“Eurgggghh.” Izzy dropped her head to her knees.

“Like, first of all. Do you realise that made it sound like you think you’re unlovable?”

She shrugged, not looking up. Her stomach growled, and she didn’t know if it was nerves or lack of food or what. She couldn’t be bothered with figuring it out.

“Why you? ‘Cause you’re Izzy, you ninny. You’re not a minger—”

“Ta, man.”

“And you’re, you know. Kind of funny and clever and all that rot.”

“That’s really making me feel great,” she mumbled, but she couldn’t help smiling into Alex’s duvet. Aww. Alex was well nice. He thought she was clever and not a minger.

She felt a poke to her shins and snuffled out a laugh. Oh, god. She’d got snot on Alex’s duvet. She was hopeless.

“Anyway, it’s not as if Nat being into you is some sort of subversive act on her part that then loses its potency when you turn around and show her you could potentially reciprocate. It’s f****d her up big, babe, but it’s not so easy to just stop … fancying someone.”

Izzy raised her head. Alex looked conflicted? Or just deep in thought. He was hard to read sometimes, and then he felt really far away. Did … did Alex fancy someone he wasn’t supposed to?

But he wasn’t talking anymore, just waiting for her to respond. She swept the annoying stray hairs away from her forehead and sighed. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it. And … I guess I’m just super pissed off with her, to be honest. Didn’t even—didn’t even give me a chance to respond properly, just f****d off. Said, I’m gonna be a coward and f****d right off.”

Alex didn’t say a word, but leaned in and gathered her up in a hug. She clung on and then—yep, there she went. Leaking all over his terribly chic jumper, which, like, who the f**k wore designer jumpers just to lounge around on a Saturday? b****y Alex, that was who.

He let her cry it out, though, and didn’t even say anything about the snot all over his bedding.

+

He took her home because she asked, and he was Alex. Drove her home, in fact, all easy grace and long limbs behind the wheel. Christ, why was he friends with any of them, honestly? Nobody was cooler than Alex. Dex liked to try, but he had nothing on Alex’s composure and the militant compartmentalisation he somehow exuded. He was brilliant, and patient, and man. Dex had handed them all a gift, bringing Alex into the fold.

“You’re ridiculous,” she said, feeling warm and terribly fond.

“I’m wha—why?”

“Look at you, all…” She waved a hand about, indicating his everything. “Cool and whatnot.”

He turned only to raise an eyebrow at her, like, Who, me?

“I’m wearing yesterday’s leggings and jumper, and I cried all over your bed, and you’re all, hey, babes, let me take you home in my carriage.”

Alex cracked up, then said, “Not exactly driving a Benz here.”

It was true. The gears would get stuck as you shifted from first to second (she remembered that from her trip home), and it rattled a bit alarmingly when you braked, but it was like Alex was born to handle this Peugeot. Ridiculous.

“Well, thanks for not making me take the Tube back,” she sighed, and for a while she just looked out the window as London shifted around them. She couldn’t believe she’d gone all the way to Greenwich just to cry on Alex’s shoulder. Although there were probably worse reasons to visit Greenwich.

Her phone went. “Oh!” She dug it out from the depths of her bag and squealed as she saw who the text was from.

“Nat?”

“No, Dexter! f*****g finally.”

Alex gave her a confused look.

“He’s only gone and spent the night with Nick, can you believe it? I tried getting a hold of him all night last night.”

“Blimey, are you serious?”

“I am! Oi, red light, red light, f**k!”

“Right!” The car rattled beneath them as he braked. “Sorry!”

Okay, maybe there was a good reason Alex was friends with them.

“What’s he saying?” he asked like nothing had happened.

Izzy looked down. Her own texts from last night faced her with all the drunken bizarreness they’d been written in. Christ, she really had got spectacularly smashed after Nat scampered on her. Oof. She’d even threatened to deface Dex’s favourite Star Trek poster, the one with the whales.

His response now was, Step away from my poster you fiend.

“Well, it’s not terribly informative, actually…”

“How d’you know he spent the night?”

“I shoved him out the door before meeting Nat, and he never came back,” she responded as she typed out, Ducking FIBALLY

FUCKIN

G

FINALLY

SPILL

“Oh. I see.” Alex paused. “Well, are you asking? What happened? Did they shag or what?”

Izzy, with relief at thinking about Not Nat flowing through her, wrote out a series of terribly intrusive but justified questions, such as was he okay, had there been kissing, if there had, had there been shagging, and had it been lovely. “Hang on, I’m just waiting for his response.”

When she glanced at Alex, he had a look of unholy glee on his face. Izzy cracked up. “Did you have a pool going on this or what?”

Alex laughed and shook his head as he switched gears. “Nah, I just can’t wait to take the piss if they hooked up.”

Izzy giggled, watching the three dots that indicated Dexter was about to respond. The dots disappeared, no answer. Oh, this wouldn’t do at all.

DID U SHAG is he lovely.

His response finally came at the next set of lights, and she almost dropped the phone in excitement. “Oh my God, look!”

Alex grabbed her phone, squinted, and actually whistled. Izzy felt only the slightest guilt at having shared it with him. But she couldn’t have contained her excitement if she’d tried.

Dex’s text said, “Yes Isabel we shagged and it was amazing and he is in fact lovely.”

“Oh my God, f*****g finally.”

“I know, right?” Alex laughed. “Those two have been circling each other for months. I wonder what the holdup was?”

Izzy felt herself sobering. She’d promised Nick not to tell anyone what they’d talked about, and she hadn’t. Even now, despite everything, it didn’t feel right to share. She wondered if he was happy, and really, what was he feeling after all of that angst? She found herself hoping Dex was taking good care of him. “Well, I’m glad they finally got there,” she said, and wrote out a reply to Dex.

So happy 4 u, can’t wait to hear about ittttttttt <3<3<3!!!

A thought struck her. “Hey, did … did Dex know about Nat?”

Alex actually squirmed in the driver’s seat as they hit some predictable Saturday afternoon traffic.

“Jesus. You weren’t kidding when you said everyone knew, were you?”

“I mean, not—I guess, maybe some…”

“What did she do, pass a note around? Group text?”

Alex slanted a look at her, then went back to watching the unmoving cars in front of them. “It’s not … it isn’t that, exactly. She didn’t, like, make an announcement. We hardly, you know, talked about it.”

“So, how, then?” The tiny bubble of joy at Dex and Nick finally getting their s**t together popped, and she felt the weight of last night settle back onto her shoulders. It was a pressure she couldn’t shake. Everything was upside down and horrible again.

Alex didn’t look at her. They were close enough to her place that she wondered if he’d just leave her on her doorstep and f**k off before she could get much more out of him. It made her feel lonelier than she had in years.

Finally, he spoke. “It was just sort of … obvious to us. Like … I could just tell.”

Izzy felt like she was behind that weird mirrored glass they used on telly crime dramas. Everyone had been looking in, and she hadn’t seen anything but her own reflection staring back at her. f**k. f**k.

“How?” she pleaded. “How did you know and I didn’t?”

Alex sighed. They were almost at her block. The relief she felt at him finding a spot to park and pulling in was too vast to contemplate. She so desperately didn’t want to be alone.

He parallel parked with the same easy grace he did everything else. She watched his perfect profile and waited.

He turned the car off, unbuckled. Finally he twisted toward her. “It’s not that I don’t want to answer you, it’s just … I don’t know, I guess, where to start. Like. How to synthesise everything that made it so, you know … obvious.”

Izzy just stared at him.

Alex swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “She looks at you differently. I’ve seen her sort of look that way at some of her girls du jour, but it’s not … it’s different from how she looks at Steph, at me, at Jonny, at her baby lesbians, even.”

“But how come I never noticed?”

“Well, she hid it, didn’t she? She didn’t want you to know. I mean … I’m guessing.”

Izzy squinted at him. She got the feeling he possibly wasn’t actually guessing. “You know, after … after our fight, her and me, Dex talked to me, and I know you talked to Nat. Are you honestly telling me she didn’t say a word?”

“Oh, Iz.” Alex deflated, his shoulder slumping against the seat. “I’m not gonna … it’s not my place. Not that.”

God. They all had so many secrets between them. It was exhausting, trying to keep up. When had all this gone so badly wrong?

She looked down at her lap and drew invisible figure eights on her leggings. “I know. Sorry. I’m just…” She took a moment to think about it. “I’m f****d up over this. Just super have no clue what to do now.”

“I know.” Alex reached out and grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to, you know.”

Izzy looked up in a silent question.

“You try to fix everything and everyone.” Alex smiled—a tiny, lovely thing, and all for her. “But you really don’t have to do it all yourself. It’s not all on you.”

Izzy frowned. “But—”

He shook her hand a bit. “Stop trying to fix it all by yourself. Breathe, all right? You can just, you know. Feel your feelings or whatever.”

“Well, but … but I hate that,” she said, bewildered.

He laughed, and it lit up his whole face. Christ, he was unfairly beautiful. And lovely. So lovely. “I know. But maybe this is what you need right now, yeah?”

Izzy chewed on her lip for a while. “Will you … will you stay for a bit?” she finally asked.

His chiselled face softened. “Yeah, babe. I’ll stay.”