Abroad

chapter 3-1

3

Nick had never sleepwalked, but now he thought he knew what it might be like. This dreamy sort of unreality he now found himself in was not anything he had been expecting even twenty-four hours ago. Only yesterday he’d been vaguely unpacking his stuff, checking his university email, looking into what he needed for the new term, and the whole time hating everything about it.

Now he was hand in hand, literally, with Dex, and they were strolling through London like it was the most natural thing in the world. It really wasn’t, though, was it? Was it? He tried to rationalize what was happening, but all he could come up with was, f**k, I’m happy.

There was this buzzing about it. This weird hum of energy between them. When Nick looked down at their feet, he would zone out on the fact that he knew what Dex’s feet looked like inside his sneakers. Knew what his ankles and lean calves looked like under his jeans. Had seen his thighs, his knees, his everything. Touched him everywhere. He was vibrating with that knowledge, and the craving for more. God, just kissing Dex was insane. Dex kissing him was insane. He felt like he was melting every time their lips touched, but it was more than that, it was how Dex held him. His touch was an unbearable mixture of tenderness and recklessness, like when Nick had gone into the ocean during a family trip. It pummeled him one minute and cradled him the next, and he rode the waves, soothed and terrified all at once.

After the park, neither of them wanted to go home yet—and whose home would they have gone to? Nick didn’t know if Dex would want to go back to his tiny room, or if he’d just want to be alone, and Nick would have to return to real life that included a soiled duvet and too much jittery energy—so they kept walking around. Sometimes they chatted, but mostly they just … walked. Buzzing next to each other.

Nick thought he would climb out of his skin from excitement.

He couldn’t stop thinking about texting his sister, but he didn’t want to do it in front of Dex. Dex was brave—he’d finally texted Izzy back, and they’d both cracked up over her responses. Nick wondered what it was going to be like, facing Izzy with Dex. She sounded happy, but more than that, Dex’s responses had set Nick’s belly on fire. Lovely, he’d called him. Nick shivered. Dex hadn’t even bothered to hide their messages, had just laid it all out there for Nick to ponder.

Dex bumped Nick’s shoulder. “Want a cuppa?”

There was a food truck on the corner. As if Dex had woken him up, Nick began to feel the cold of the day. Tea sounded perfect. “Oh, yes, please.”

Dex did the ordering, and Nick had just enough time to say, “No milk in mine!” before the bored-looking girl dumped it in his cup.

When they were walking again, Dex shook his head and said, “Dunno how you do that.”

“What?” Nick took a sip of his Earl Grey.

“Drink tea without milk. That’s basically sacrilege around here, you know that, don’t you?”

Nick cut him a glance and took another deliberate, slow sip. “This is real tea.”

“Oh, fighting words!” Dex laughed. “Is that a Russian thing?”

Nick shrugged. “We never put anything but sugar in our tea. Actually, it used to be jam, but it never actually sweetened it. Like, it would just be this blob of jam at the bottom of the cup. Ugh.”

Dex laughed. “Jam in tea?”

Nick shrugged, remembering. “Yeah, everyone would be like, oh, don’t put sugar in that, have some jam, it’s so much better! I think they were all lying. It wouldn’t actually dissolve at all, so what was the point?”

“You’ve got some strong tea feelings, my friend.”

Nick felt himself answering him grin for grin. “Tea is serious business. Tea, Earl Grey, hot.”

“Did you just quote Captain Picard?” Dex’s tone changed, and for a second Nick wondered if his British accent was worse than he thought. “You know that’s basically foreplay for me, don’t you?” Dex’s voice had gone all low and raspy and oh Christ on a bike. Nick felt his eyes widening and his blood rushing south. Dex was still smiling, but in this way that made Nick shiver like crazy.

“Well,” he managed. “It’s the only way to have tea.”

Dex lowered his head until his mouth was close to Nick’s ear and said, “If we weren’t holding scalding cups of liquid right now, I’d probably r****h you up against this shop.”

“Um.” Nick nearly dropped his tea. He licked his lips. “You really weren’t kidding when you said you were a nerd, were you?” he managed.

Dex shook his head. “Really not. I take my nerd-dom very seriously.”

They weren’t alone, and they were right in front of some boutique with fancy hats and sequiny dresses, but for just that moment Nick didn’t care. Carefully keeping their teas away from their bodies, they kissed. And he loves Star Trek! he mentally composed a text to his sister.

+

Apparently, Nick needn’t have worried about what would happen once they got tired of aimless walking. Dex steered them toward his own place in the smoothest way possible, taking advantage of Nick’s dreamy state, because Nick hadn’t realized where they were going until they were a block away.

“Oh.”

“D’you … do you mind?” Dex asked, stopping them on the corner. He was still holding on to Nick’s hand, and Nick just watched as Dex lifted the clasp of their hands to his cheek. His skin was warm, the touch insistent. “I sort of … don’t really want to be alone.”

Nick felt another bubble of joy detach itself inside him and float up. He was pretty sure his face was going to hurt soon from all the smiling he was doing. “If you don’t mind, I don’t mind.”

Dex gave his knuckles a quick squeeze and lowered their hands. He beamed at Nick. “Cool.”

It wasn’t until they were through the door that Nick remembered other people existed. His stomach lurched as Izzy and Alex, of all people, popped out of the kitchen in twinned shock, and he resisted the urge to hide behind Dex. His first time meeting everyone popped into his brain with sudden clarity—hiding behind Izzy, and Dex sitting there, a stranger.

Remembering that helped him swallow past the lump in his throat and stand in place instead of turning around and running away with his tail between his legs. He lifted his hand in greeting.

“Oh my god, what are you guys doing here already?”

“Yeah, we figured we wouldn’t be seeing you for, like, what, Iz, a week?”

“At least!”

“f**k off,” Dex said, and the smile was so obvious in his voice, it settled in Nick’s gut like warm chocolate. Dex still had hold of his hand, and Nick squirmed with how sweaty his own palms were. “If you’re going to be t***s about this, we’re just gonna go upstairs.”

Izzy and Alex both looked like they were doing their level best not to comment.

“To talk, you arsewipes.”

Both cackled.

Three strides was all it took for Nick and Dex to reach the kitchen, and then Nick carefully disentangled himself from Dex and propped his back up against the nearest wall. Dex caught his gaze, a quicksilver inquisitive frown, but Nick just shook his head and smiled.

Breathe. He could do this. He could … he could be here while he and Dex were so obviously together. People he knew could bear witness to this. He swallowed. Why did it feel like a hook lodged in his ribcage and ripped straight through, letting his entrails hang out?

Jesus, get a grip.

He took one breath, another. It was becoming harder to do, and he—he couldn’t—

Oh. f**k. No, please, not now, not—

He legged it to the bathroom.

Once there, he leaned against the door as quietly as he could and gave breathing another shot. In … out. In. Out.

Maybe if he smiled, it would help. It helped all those months ago, didn’t it?

Zoya.

Nick fished out his phone—Jesus, no wonder he was hot as hell, he hadn’t even taken off his scarf and coat; he must have looked like a lunatic—and thumbed it open.

He opened messages, then started a new text.

I did it

No. He doubled back, erasing the words.

He likes me back

Kindergarten.

HELP

Before he could stop himself, he filled the “to” field with Zoyka’s name and sent it off. Methodically, he set the phone down onto the edge of the sink, then unwound his scarf. He shook off his coat. Threw both to the floor. That helped. While he was in here and waiting, he might as well pee, right?

Oh, God, would they think he was taking a—

Fuck it. He unzipped his jeans, did his thing. He watched his phone the whole time.

When it finally buzzed with a message, he didn’t have a chance to catch it before it clattered right into the sink.

Deep breath. Another.

Zip up. Flush.

He grabbed his phone, then forced himself to wash his hands like a big boy. Jesus, he’d been fine just ten minutes ago. Was he going to be like this forever? One minute he was normal, the next he was a crazy mess not worth the trouble, unable to even get through being with his friends.

Nick squeezed his eyes shut and turned his back on the mirror where a skinny boy was having a nervous breakdown right in front of him.

What’s up????

He desperately wanted to call, but it would be so obvious. As it was, he’d spent way too long in the bathroom.

He had to be succinct.

He likes me back, we spent the night together, now we’re with other people

God, that made him look crazier. He couldn’t believe he was telling her about … that.

I’m freaking out for no reason, he added.

Three dots appeared instantly, and he waited, chewing on his lip, doing his best to calm his breathing the way she’d always told him to. Picture a balloon expanding and deflating inside your belly. Don’t breathe from the chest.

Zoyka was fast with her response. She must have been at her computer.

Omg!!! First of all, CONGRATULATIONS

You have to call me at some point or I’ll disown you

Second of all, are you breathing? BREATHE

Nick grinned despite himself. Relief. This was what it felt like. His shoulders unwound without his prompting. He sagged against the door. His neck was killing him.

I’m breathing, he typed out.

Good. What’s freaking you out?

Others knowing.

God, he had to get out of the bathroom. He could hear voices filtering through the door. He wondered if they were talking about him. A wave of heat went up his body, a cringing in his gut.

Hiding in the bathroom help

Zoyka’s response came a moment later. f**k them. Are they friends? Then they’ll be happy for you.

That wasn’t…

IT IS OKAY TO SHARE THINGS WITH PEOPLE

Oh. Yeah. That was the thing that had him nearly dry heaving in the bathroom. He swallowed and found that it came a bit more easily.

Right. Thank you.

Also DON’T FORGET ABOUT OUR VISIT!! Call mom, she needs to figure out details!

Christ, he could not deal with that. Not right now. Possibly not ever. April was a lifetime away, anyway.

He pushed everything to the back of his mind, then texted, xxx

Nick gathered up his things and tentatively opened the bathroom door. Like a total i***t, he scurried to the front hall and dropped his coat and scarf on the floor next to a pile of shoes, and then he made himself walk back into the kitchen like nothing weird had happened.

Their voices stopped as one, which made Nick halt in the doorway. He must have been beet red. “Sorry, had to … bathroom,” he mumbled to his shoes.

When he looked up, he fought nervous laughter that always threatened to bubble up in situations where he was the cause of the awkwardness. Izzy had a carrot stuck in her mouth, while Alex looked caught out—and Alex never looked caught out. Dex was leaning against the stove and, in the strangest double vision, Nick was transported to the last time he had been in this gleaming white kitchen. He’d been such a coward then, and Dex had been so sweet.

Now Dex watched him with breathtakingly open concern. Nick forced himself to walk forward and take Dex’s hand in his. He gave him a quick smile, then turned toward Izzy and Alex.