Chloe

Chapter 15 - Girlfriend

His kisses were like being sucked under by the water’s current into an ocean of feeling. – Chloe’s Diary

Chapter 15

Girlfriend

   Edwin touched her cheek with his hand. She was blushing again. “Want to go and get something to eat and don’t say you’ll cook something for me, I want to do something for you.”

   She nodded yes before realizing his intentions. They were leaving her sanctity and going beyond the gates. Her nails bit into her hands as she squeezed them into fists. Closing her eyes, she breathed. She could do this, she needed to test her ability to leave the cottage. Edwin was oblivious of her inner turmoil as they walked down the wooden steps.

When they arrived at his car, he held the door open for her as she climbed into the black leather interior. She recognized the car as a Mercedes but only because they had been abundant in Germany. The car was black with windows tinted almost as black as the exterior. One word came to mind, anonymous, and this made her feel better - like she was invisible. He put on dark glasses and pulled out of the cottage driveway.

She had left the community only once with her aunt so driving through the gates created a mix of anxiety and excitement. When Edwin sensed her tension he reached for her clinched hand, opening it and splaying it across his thigh. He then laced his fingers with hers. She closed her eyes, letting his strength seep into her. For once she didn‘t have to try to relax. She just did.

   A short few minutes later he pulled up to a drive-through window. He turned toward her, “I find that I don’t have the patience to share you with strangers. I hope you don’t mind a picnic.”

She nodded, relieved they weren’t going to some fancy restaurant where she would feel inferior and inept, not to mention underdressed. Fast food she could handle and a picnic was even better.

The girl at the food service window looked dumbstruck by Edwin. It was the first time Chloe had seen anyone other than his friends interact with him or vice versa. He smiled a tight smile that clearly said, “leave me alone,” without him uttering a single word. The girl fumbled around and eventually was able to hand over the order without any major mishaps. Chloe tried to smile to assure the girl it was okay but the girl wouldn’t look in her direction. The girl opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but Edwin cut her off, handed her a $100 bill, and hit the gas. 

    The girl needed a lesson in subtlety, Chloe thought. Edwin was an insanely gorgeous guy but they were in LA, there had to been plenty of gorgeous people. He was probably used to women acting ridiculous, but she wasn’t. An unpleasant feeling of jealousy bloomed in her chest. She chewed internally of her ineptness and his perfection. She was so involved in self deprecating thoughts that she wasn’t even aware Edwin had parked until he began to dig into the grease soaked bags. A quick glance out the window showed it was some public rest area overlooking a Canyon. Edwin opened his hamburger and took a bite when she looked incredulous at the interior of the immaculate new car.

“What’s wrong?” he asked after swallowing a bite.

“Well, uhhh, are we going to eat in here?” She asked concerned.

“Yes, it’s a lot more comfortable in here. Don’t worry about the car, it’ll endure.” Maybe it would endure him but she didn’t eat like it was an art.

She unwrapped her burger cautiously but before she could take a bite Edwin put his down and said, “Listen, I think I need to explain myself.” He cleared his throat before continuing, looking uncomfortable. 

With her cheeseburger halfway suspended to her mouth, she waited for him to continue.

“When you got your horse, I was excited. I like to ride too and I thought I would stop by the stables and see about leasing a horse or something. When I saw that guy watching you, I don’t know what came over me but I kind of lost it. He doesn‘t want to be just friends, as you believe, and therefore he wasn’t very pleasant finding out about me either.” 

She snorted her disbelief while placing her burger on her lap. He ignored it and continued, “You say he’s just a friend but you said that about me. You also say you’re very comfortable with him?” He looked at her for clarification.

“Yes, I am comfortable with him,” she paused looking pointedly at him, “But like in a big brother kind of way.”

 He looked relieved. “Well that’s good because I don’t want to be a big brother,” Edwin looked at her in a very non-brotherly way causing her heart to squeeze painfully as excitement rushed in her veins. “What I’m trying to say is that I want you to be mine, only mine, girlfriend mine.” She sat stunned. They kissed and all but people like him, people who obviously had fast-food girls drooling all over themselves, probably kissed dozens of girls.

   When she didn’t answer right away, he apologized again. “I’m sorry for being rude earlier Chloe. When you smiled at him I think my heart broke into a million pieces. I thought you had feelings for him. That he was yours before I ever had a chance.” Edwin looked at her expectantly.

  She was completely dumbfounded not knowing what to say. Besides, anything coming from her mouth would just mess everything up so she did the only thing she knew to do. She leaned across the car, careful of the hamburgers, and kissed him on the cheek. Then she whispered in his ear, “Cole is just a friend. You are so much more.” It was an understatement but she didn’t know how else to tell him.

   He closed his eyes as his hands gripped the steering wheel. When he reopened them his look shot heat straight through her. He reached for her but the moment was broken when another vehicle pulled in beside them. 

The silver SUV rocked as a bunch of teenagers spilled out of it. It reminded her of a circus clown car as they continued to endlessly plop on the pavement. They ran around laughing. One girl with long straight blonde hair was teasing another boy in a letter jacket holding a beer. Another letter jacket clad guy bumped into our car and was clearly intoxicated. He tapped on the window and said, “Hey who’s in here, can’t see anything! Come out if you dare.” All the other intoxicated idiots laughed alongside him. She tensed immediately. Oh God, these were the type of kids who loved to give her a hard time.

Edwin said, “I think it’s a bit crowded, don’t you?” She nodded, clutching her stomach. Edwin put his car in reverse and accelerated away. Every mile away, every second later, made her feel better.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Those intoxicated idiots could be potential classmates and the thought made her nearly throw-up. She ruthlessly pushed those thoughts down to her stomach and concentrated on what Edwin had told her. He only wanted her. How about that!

   They ate as he drove around never really staying anywhere long. He pointed at different places around town but she was content just driving. Chloe didn’t care, as long as Edwin continued to hold her hand.

   When they finally arrived at the cottage the sun was beginning to set. 

“You don’t mind if I come in until our friends arrive tonight?” Edwin asked. 

 “You’re welcome anytime”

   Once inside, she did something she wasn’t very good at. She asked a personal question. She started shaking and feeling sick but she pushed on.

“Umm, Edwin?” She asked in a weak voice.

He smiled, “Yes?” 

“Why do your friends like me?”  She wanted to snatch it back, fearful he would laugh at her or worse. It felt as if she was fishing for compliments when in truth she was just wandering how they could stand her when no-one else had been able to in her life. 

“You amuse them,” He answered with a smile. “You’re very different than the people we know. You’re completely unaffected and it’s a relief.” He came over and kissed her on the forehead, “Plus you’re beautiful, caring, smart, and the accent.” 

Accent? They like her accent? Most people thought she was a dumb country hick. And for the rest, she was an entertaining i***t, who was naive, and bazaar. Regardless of all this though, she was feeling complimented. He called her beautiful, caring, and smart. That was all that mattered to her anyway.

   They made their way into her bedroom where Edwin lounged on her bed flipping through a couple books she had been reading. He ran across a picture she had stuck in one for a bookmark. It was a picture of her grandparent’s farm in Texas. The ends were curled and the picture was creased but it still brought a smile to her face. He looked at it for a long moment before commenting, “There aren’t any trees, just cows and pasture.” 

Chloe smiled, “Yes it’s wonderful, you can see for miles and miles. You might not have a neighbor for at least a mile but you can see their house. It gave me some comfort when my grandmother became sick so I knew I wasn’t alone.”

He gave her a sweet smile. “Do you still miss Texas? I know I asked you before but has it changed?”

“Texas is home. It always will be, but I don’t miss my life there, not anymore. When I was in Germany I prayed to go back every single day, even though there was nothing for me to go back to. When I landed in Los Angeles not knowing if I really had an aunt, I had a plan to take a bus back there. I don’t know what I would have done but I think that I would have found a way.” She shrugged, “I miss it less every day though. It’s nice to have my aunt and friends.” She shyly smiled at him. 

“You didn’t know you had an aunt before landing in Los Angeles?” He sounded incredulous. 

“No,” she answered softly and turned to go into her closet. She didn’t like to think how hopeless she had felt that day. She touched her clothes for comfort when Edwin’s arms slipped around her waist. He rested his cheek on the top of her head taking in a large breath as he spoke. His voice reverberated all the way through the core of her body.

“That’s horrible, but you don’t need me to tell you that. Just know that no matter what happens between us, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation I’ll always be available to you.”

Those damn tears started welling in her eyes. Her friends’ families had tried to help her but they all failed. Somehow, she believed Edwin would come through. Chloe dropped her chin to her chest to hide her tears, but before she could swipe them away, Edwin turned her around, and kissed them off her cheeks. She leaned into him as he began to leave a trail of kisses all the way to her lips. When he finally touched her lips, she lifted her arms around his neck and slid her hands up to his hair. It was soft and silky and she moaned when he slipped his tongue between her lips. He pulled her closer as he delved into her mouth causing sensations she didn’t know she could feel. She tentative returned the sensual caress with her tongue and he moaned. His hands were trailing the skin between her shirt and shorts moving upwards. That was when things became desperate, they were breathing heavily, trembling. 

Suddenly he wrenched his mouth away from hers and began backing out of the closet. She stood wild-eyed watching him retreat, confusion etched in every line of her body. She couldn’t move and she couldn’t react. When the sensual haze cleared from her brain she wandered back into her bedroom. 

   Edwin was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. She looked at him for a minute and then she walked over to sit next to him.

“Is everything all right?” She asked very quietly. Fears slamming into her, she must have done something wrong but she couldn’t figure it out. Maybe she was the world’s worst kisser, and he was probably regretting ever telling her he wanted her only, like a girlfriend.

  He lifted his head to answer her question, “I’m not sure, is it possible to feel too much?” Then he shook his head as if to clear it. “I think our friends should be at the fire now, let’s go.”

His change of thought confused her further but she was too afraid to push him for answers. She just wanted to… she didn’t know what she wanted to do so she stood up and walked out the door.

   They walked silently to the fire and sat down like all the other times before. He was distant and he didn’t even hold her hand. She didn’t know what to say or do. They all danced and as usual her favorite part was with Edwin, however he was very careful not to get too close to her or show any favoritism. Finally she closed her mind to the horrid doubts and let the music take over her thoughts. 

   Before long the fire was dying down and the dancing was too. She said goodnight and started back to the cottage alone. She was depressed. Why did Edwin shut down like that? What did she do? He seemed to like kissing her as much as she did, so what was the deal? 

Her thoughts made her stomach ache. She clutched a fist to it when she was far enough away that no one would notice.

   “Are you not feeling well?” Edwin said and she whipped around to see him. She promptly looked away and kept walking. 

 “Please stop,” he asked but she kept going.

   His hand reached out and she flinched as if he struck her. The look of horror on Edwin’s face was the last straw, and she turned to run to the cottage. She was breathing heavily when she arrived and didn’t know what to do. She paced as she tried to figure out where she could hide. In the middle of wishing the floor would swallow her up, Edwin walked in.

“Chloe?” he asked, “Why did you run? What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“You did nothing. I’m a spaz. I’m sorry. I’m so inept at everything that I can’t even have a boyfriend without frightening him.”

“Who used to hit you, Chloe?”

She looked away. She had hoped he wouldn’t ask that. She had already told him about her grandmother. She didn’t want to admit it was more than once. He would know what a complete loser she was and somehow that mattered a great deal to her. 

 “Chloe, answer me,” he demanded. She peered up at him as he sternly gazed back at her. Fear and conditioning from her father had her speaking.

“My grandmother when she lost her mind, my father when he actually noticed me around, kids at school. The question should be who hasn’t hit me.” She was disgusted with herself. She was disgusting. She was sure that he would run away but instead he sat down on the bed, as if his legs gave out on him. 

“Oh geez, Chloe. There aren’t words. I feel…” he put his hand over his heart and started over, “When you tell me these bits of your life, I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could fix it and it breaks me that I can’t.”

“It’s okay Edwin. It’s in the past, let’s not dwell on it.” It was becoming her new mantra. Get over it. Move on.

“No, it is NOT okay,” he said passionately, “you just don’t move on from people who should’ve been your protectors but instead used you as their punching bag.”

“Oh it wasn’t like I was beat every day.” Which was true, it was not every single day, sometimes a couple days in a row, but not every single day. “And besides I probably deserved it anyway, if you haven’t noticed, I seem to ask for it. I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. Look, I even called you a homely horse!” She gave him a wobbly smile.

He did not return the smile.“Nothing you say should ever be justification for someone hitting you.”

He got up and paced, “you know when we met what my first impression was of you?”

Not sure she wanted to know, she stared at him. He continued without her answer, “My heart lurched when I saw you dancing. My breath was taken away by your complete absorption into the music. When you smiled at the sand dollar as if it was the most precious thing in the world, I wanted to hold you the same way you held it. I thought about how adorable you were when you blushed.” He touched her cheek. “When you called me a homely horse, I thought you were funny. But it wasn’t until that night when you described the fire that I knew I was done for. That I knew that I would never go back being the same.” She gazed into his tender expression. She just didn’t get it. Why did he act the way he did this evening? Why did he treat her as if she was only another friend? She swallowed hard and forced herself to ask,

“What about this afternoon in the closet and at the fire? Why did you shut down on me? Why didn’t you talk to me?” Three questions in a row - she was going to vomit. 

“My darling, you are…when we kiss…it’s unbelievable, and if we continued I felt as if I was going to explode if I didn’t take you right there in the closet but I knew that you aren’t ready. When we make love, there will be no doubt that you’ll be ready and I’ll be in control of my facilities.”

Her face felt hot at his frankness. He smiled touching her cheek again. She wasn’t ready for that was she? After all, she had trouble allowing people to reach for her without flinching for goodness sake!

“As far as the fire,” Edwin continued, “I know you’re private and I didn’t know if you wanted everyone to know. It nearly killed me not to strangle Christoph for even looking at you. He’s interested in you, you know.”

She snorted. Edwin had very unrealistic ideas of who was interested in her. “Right. That’s hilarious.”

“Remember that day we both came to get you?” Edwin asked.

“Yeah, you guys were arguing about something.”

“Yes, about you. But he’s a good friend and after he came to lunch that day he knew that I was more…vested. Or maybe he just knew I was going to kick his ass if he didn’t stay away from you.”

“Oh,” She said lamely. It seemed crazy to have two guys actually argue over her. He had to be trying to make her feel better or he was simply jealous. She shrugged.

“Don’t do that,” he said.

“Do what?” She countered.

“Don’t shrug it away as if what I told you is untrue.”

She let out a long frustrated breath.

He laughed and leaned over and whispered, “It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, I know the truth.” Then he straightened up and said, “Besides I don’t want you thinking about Christoph anyway. I only want you to know how much I adore you.” He reached for her and kissed her again. She really could get used to all this. It felt good.

The biggest revelation of the night was that she was feeling something good for the first time in her life. It was like she was full when in the past she had always been an empty shell. 

   After a minute of serious kissing, he abruptly stood and said in a husky voice, “I probably should head home. I…um…well, hell, if I stay here I’ll be in the same condition I was in earlier after the closet.” He gave her another quick kiss and left her room. She watched him go still not sure what “condition” he was referring to. She shrugged again got up to take a shower and go to bed.