Chloe

Chapter 3 - Adjustment

Time was irrelevant when my soul was tired and my body awake – Chloe’s Diary in the early hours before dawn. - Chloe’s Diary

Chapter Three

Adjustment

   The soft sheets rubbed against her cheek as the smell of cleanliness assaulted her nose. She opened one eye to verify what her body refused to believe. 

 It was still dark outside. 

She groaned and rolled over to try to go back to sleep but knew instantly it was a lost cause. She was awake. 

The floor was cool but not uncomfortable as she slid her feet out of the bed and padded her way around her new room. She slowly opened the closet and peeked inside. It amused her although she didn’t smile. She couldn’t remember the last time she smiled and now feared she forgot how. She glanced at her ragged bag of rags then back at the closet. It was too embarrassing to hang the rags in a closet this fine. 

She ignored the bags. 

It was easier to avoid unpleasant things, she thought as she entered the deck through the double glass doors.

   The breeze off the ocean was cool and salty and it ran over her like a much needed balm. She inhaled deeply filling her lungs dispelling any sad thoughts. 

It was pitch black outside with not a star, nor moon in the sky. She looked around but there wasn’t anything discernible passed the deck. Only the roar of the waves let her know what lay beyond. It wasn’t until a slight flicker of light in her peripheral vision drew her attention to a campfire off to the far right. Squinting she could just make out a few silhouettes of people. The firelight played off their bodies giving them an ethereal quality that kept her captivated. She strained to hear any of their conversation but the ocean obliterated any noise. Feeling vulnerable in her sloppy t-shirt, she left the deck and walked back into the cottage through the living room doors. 

   It was nice her aunt felt safe enough to keep all the doors unlocked. The seedy neighborhood in Germany required their door to be adorned with multiple locks. Sadly, it didn’t help with what already resided inside the apartment. A sharp pain stabbed her stomach. It was time to focus on something else.

   The living room had tasteful rich furnishings with leather couches and glass coffee tables. The colors were light and airy that gave the impression of space. The kitchen was off to the corner and opened into the living room. It had beautiful granite countertops and the appliances gleamed as if they were new, or maybe never touched. The only out of place object was a coffee pot that was situated cattycornered on the end of the counter. It looked to be well loved, or at least well used. 

  She opened cabinets to find her suspicions were correct. No one cooked in this kitchen. All the necessary implements were there to make a meal: plates, pots, pans but no food. There was a surprisingly cheap plastic salt and pepper shaker, but no flour, sugar, or spices. 

   The discovery of the “faux” kitchen made her feel purposeful for the first time in a long time. One thing that she was always good at was cooking. She could be some use here, she thought, a glimmer of hope and excitement blossoming. 

  She sat down on the glass kitchen table that seemed to fit in the “glass house” and began writing a grocery list. She would have to ask her aunt for a loan, but she would find a way to pay it back. She was stateside now and old enough to get a job.

  She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she remembered was the smell and sound of percolating coffee. Chloe lifted her head to see a very blurry person seated on the other side of the table who was snorting out giggles. It had to be her aunt. Chloe blinked a couple of times trying to focus. 

To her horror, her aunt raised her hand to slap her. Chloe recoiled back nearly tipping her chair. To catch her balance, she swung back forward and luckily the chair reinstated itself. Chloe kept her face down preparing for the blow. But nothing came and slowly she forced herself to peer cautiously at her aunt. 

   The first thing Chloe noticed was a piece of paper dangling from her aunt’s fingers. The second thing she noticed was her aunt’s stunned expression. That was when it occurred to her the paper must have been stuck to her face and instead of her aunt trying to slap her, she must have tried to remove it. Embarrassed tears flooded her eyes leaking down her cheeks.  Her aunt’s expression was full of condemnation and disgust.

Gripping the side of the glass topped table until her knuckles began to hurt she prepared for her aunt’s outburst. She deserved to be kicked out.

But that didn’t come either. She watched suspiciously as her aunt slowly rose from her chair and walked around to squat next to her. Looking straight into Chloe’s eyes, her aunt spoke slowly, “Honey, I don’t know what your life has been like before now, but I want you to know that I will NEVER hit you, I will NEVER abuse you, and I will certainly never look at you any less for whatever you did to survive.”

Chloe was stunned. No one in her entire life had been that nice or understanding to her. Not even her grandparents who looked upon her as more hired help and obligation than a granddaughter.

With nothing more to say, Claire stood and went to the coffeemaker to refresh her cup and then walked to the living room. Chloe watched her as she sat on the couch staring at the ocean. It was a relief that her aunt didn’t press unwanted questions or ask for explanations because …how do you explain you’re a spaz?

   Later, after taking another hot shower, she found Claire still in the living room reading what looked like children‘s resumes. She had her laptop positioned with a picture of a shockingly beautiful girl displayed on the screen. 

Chloe sat next to her prompting her aunt to look up from her work, “Well, I’m glad to see you refreshed. I’ve cleared my schedule of appointments so we can do whatever you like.”

   “Oh,” Chloe answered lamely. She didn’t think anyone had ever given her the option to do whatever she liked with someone else. In Germany her parents didn’t care what she did, as long as it didn’t bother them. 

Her aunt continued, “I thought maybe we would go and buy a TV. I never got around it because honestly I really don’t watch TV at home. I know it is kind of weird for someone who is a talent scout, but I find I have to read scripts and parts so much, the last thing I want to do is come home and watch it.”

“I don’t watch TV,” Chloe said softly looking out to the ocean.

“Oh, well that is…different,” her aunt frowned, “I mean most of the teenagers I meet seem glued to it.” 

Not me, I am nothing like other teenagers, She thought. In Texas her grandparents had one channel for her grandfather to watch the nightly news. She was too busy with chores and too exhausted to even care to watch anything but her eyelids. 

   “Well I don’t,” Chloe mumbled after a long pause. She knew she wasn’t making the conversation easy for Claire but she didn’t have a clue how to rectify the situation.

   “Okay, there goes that shopping plan.”

   Chloe watched as disappointment washed over her aunt’s expression making Chloe even more disgusted with herself. She wanted to fix herself but didn’t know how. 

  All she knew was that she sucked at conversation. She was always afraid she was going to say the wrong thing, mainly because she always did.

Shifting in her seat, Chloe felt overly self-aware and uncomfortable. Finally, completely disgusted with herself, she stood up and made her way back to her room. She nervously flitted around it, trying to stay busy. If she were busy then she wouldn’t be able to think. Had she seen her aunt’s worried expression, it would have made her hate herself even more. 

Finally she stopped in front of her suitcases. After staring sightlessly at them for a few moments, she opened her larger bag to sort through the rags that masqueraded as clothes. She tried to find something appropriate to wear but everything was either too small, too large, or stained. She was embarrassed herself, what would her aunt feel like?

   Lost in thought about the conundrum of her clothes, she hadn’t realized her aunt had followed her into the room. 

It was only when Claire exclaimed, “This is horrible, you wore this?” that Chloe jumped aside jarred from the outburst. Chloe peered through the side of her eyes as her aunt had a threadbare Rugby shirt that a neighbor had left at their door dangling from her fingers. 

Chloe’s face burned with embarrassment. She knew she was a loser but it didn’t help to think your perfect aunt thought you one too.

   Her aunt put the shirt down and began rooting through her bag. Chloe clinched her hands together wanting desperately to slap the suitcase lid down as mortification slid through her.  

Her aunt held various odious pieces of clothes to the light, “Oh honey, we need to go shopping. Not for a TV but for some clothes.”

Chloe whipped fully around, “Oh no, don’t worry about it. I will figure out something.” She snatched the various clothes her aunt had removed and started stuffing them back in the bag in a vain hope to hide the really hideous ones. It frightened her that she would be an imposition. Heck she knew she was already an imposition! She just didn’t want to bring attention to it.

Her aunt’s slim hand covered Chloe’s hand stopping her frantic jerky movements, “Honey, don’t get upset. I have money your parents gave me. Don’t worry at all. It’s taken care of.”

Chloe snorted at the bold face lie. 

Smiling sheepishly her aunt confessed, “Okay, that was a lie. We both know your parents are the two most selfish people in the world, so no need to make stories. Let’s just say that I need to get you clothes because there is no way that I’m going to allow you to wear these!” Her aunt swept her arm in the air gesturing toward the bag of rags. Then she gave an exaggerated shudder and zipped the bag, placed it on the ground, and in a dramatic fashion rolled it out to the back deck. Chloe watched wide-eyed as her aunt used all her strength to hoist the dilapidated suitcase over the edge of the deck railing and let it go. A resounding plop signaled it met its final destination, 15 feet below. 

Chloe should have been upset that her clothes now sat in a sand pit, but instead a rusty bark of laughter escaped from her mouth.

   Watching her five-feet-nothing aunt hoist a bag nearly as big as her over the deck was a hilarious sight. Claire’s eyes twinkled with satisfaction as Chloe continued to laugh. It felt good. 

Claire then brushed her hands off and stalked out of her room leaving Chloe behind. 

With her laughter fading Chloe glanced around, not sure what to do, so she stood dumbly. Only moments later, her aunt returned with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

   “These are mine and although you are a lot taller than me, you are skinny as a rail and I think you can wear these until we can get something else. Heck they will probably look better on you than me,” her aunt winked at her.

With no other option, Chloe gently took the proffered clothes and walked into the bathroom. She slid off her t-shirt to replace it with the soft form-fitting one her aunt gave her and the shorts. They did fit. She had a little less hips and boobs, but she was happy to be in anything other than what she had.

   About an hour later they were immersed into little shops she had never heard of, which really wasn’t that remarkable since Goodwill was the only place she had ever been for clothes. She avoided the price tags because she probably wouldn’t even comprehend the money being spent. 

Her aunt insisted that Chloe try on every single item she deemed cute and after a while Chloe began to droop.  Her aunt declared her a “shopping virgin,” and thereby she would have to “break her in slowly.” However, the thought of shopping again made her sick.

   When they got home, she unloaded the bags and went straight to her room to hang the clothes.  She unpacked them slowly, reverently, looking and feeling every single item before leaving them in the closet.  Tears blurred her eyes as she had never felt or seen such beautiful fabrics or clothes as these. The colors swam in front of her as more tears filled her eyes. Girls in Germany always wore beautiful clothes. She had wished for just one outfit like them, but then again she had wished for a different life too.

  Chloe quickly wiped her eyes when her aunt came into the closet smiling. “You have to be careful, you know, shopping can become an addiction and with you worshipping those clothes like that I think you might be a good candidate for a shop-a-holic!”

Her aunt laughed loudly but the only thing Chloe felt was shame. She was selfish and greedy. 

Her aunt smiled sweetly, expectantly and Chloe tried to return a smile but she wasn’t sure it felt right.

  “You do like them Chloe?” She asked worriedly.

Chloe turned, searching her aunt’s eyes for insincerity, meanness, coldness and found none.  Her lids dropped as she gazed at her tightly clasped hands when she spoke, “You have no idea how much these clothes mean to me,” then she searched her brain to find a way to let her aunt know why these clothes were so special. 

After a moment of silence she decided to tell a little about her life in order for her aunt to understand a little bit more about her. It was easier to talk about Texas so she began by reminiscing about her grandmother.

   “When I lived in Texas my grandmother would take me shopping right before school started. She would buy two pairs of jeans and three different tops. That was big time.” She finally forced herself to meet her aunt’s eyes, trying once again to smile as she continued, “I haven’t had new clothes in over two and half years though, but neighbors in Germany left their castoffs. I got by.” 

Chloe shrugged and looked at her hands again. She thought that was a good start and silently congratulated herself for talking so much.  And now, hopefully, her aunt will understand why she was worshipping the clothes.

In a small voice her aunt said, “I’m sorry, Chloe, I really did try to find you sooner.” 

Confused, Chloe glanced up to find tears trailing down her aunt’s cheeks.

   Guilt bit into her. Chloe only meant to let her know how special the clothes were, not to make her aunt sad. She should not have said so much. 

Deflated, Chloe exited the closet walking slowly to the living room. Her heart plummeted further as she spotted Claire on the couch with her head in her hands. Chloe said quietly, “I’m sorry Aunt, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

   Her aunt lifted her head turning toward her, “I feel as if I failed somehow. If only I knew more, found out quicker, things might have been easier on you.”

  “It’s the past, let’s not dwell on it.” Chloe waved her hand mechanically, awkwardly. Nothing she did felt natural and the motion surfaced her biggest insecurity and fear that she was not natural.