CHRISTIANO

TWO

Carina

It's sunny today. The kind of day that makes you want to lie around and bask under the bright, warm sun rays. I've never done this before. Sat out to enjoy the day. Sweeping my eyes around the place I realize I'm in a park. And like the start of a movie, things start to come to life. The greenest grass I've ever seen spreads over the ground and with it, people appear. Men, women, children, fill the place. Playing, others sitting, some are coming while others are going. I don't think my mind has the capacity to wonder where I am or why all this is happening. I just want to enjoy everything so screw logic.

There's a family at the middle, sitting on a blanket and laughing. I think they're having a picnic, something normal people do from time to time. It hits me that I've never been on a picnic and a wave of jealousy hits me, so strong that I feel the burn of tears behind my eyelids. Why is it that some people are allowed to do that and some aren't? Why do other kids grow up loved and protected while others aren't?  This world is so unfair. Whoever decides people's destinies sucks. I wish I could find them and have them explain to me why they gave me that life.

"Hey, move your legs. I want to sit too" someone says pushing at my legs. I look down to find a little girl of about five maybe six years.

"There are other benches in this park. Go sit on them" I say kicking her tiny hands off me. Instead of leaving, she actually has the nerve to climb up and sit on me. I want to push her off but then I realize she might get hurt when she falls. So I sit up huffing.

"Stinky little brat. Haven't your parents taught you any manners?"

"I'm not a brat"

"Yeah right. Where is your mother or father? I'll have a word with him about how to discipline you"

"How old are you? You sound like an old woman"

This little s**t, how dare she? I should smack some sense into her. Old? Has she seen me? I look down at myself. I'm still the same. Even though we're sitting down, I know how great I look in this white dress. How dare she call me old?

"Listen here.... What's your name?"

"I don't have one" she shrugs.

"What do you mean you don't have one? Everyone has a name. My mother left me outside the orphanage but she remembered to name me"

"So then what's your name?"

"Carina"

"Oh" she nods deep in thought. Then a few seconds later, her head snaps up and she says "Then that is my name too. Carina"

"No f*****g way. I'm not sharing my name" goodness, how old am I? And why am I talking to this nameless girl?

"Why not? I like it"

"I said no. Find another name" to my utter surprise, she starts crying

"But I don't know any other names"

"Is that something people cry over?" I ask because I have no idea how to make her stop. Aside from Tommaso, I've never dealt with children before.

"I don't know"

"What is it that you know?"

"That you're not a good person"

"Why? Because I don't want to share my name with you?"

"No, because you didn't give me a name"

"Why would I do that? It's your mother's job to give you a name. Not me"

"But you are my mother and you didn't give a name" she hiccups and I wonder if I heard her wrong.

"Excuse me? What did you just say?"

"I want a name right now. A pretty one like yours" 

I scan her face. Her hair is the same color as mine, black, but aside from that, she looks nothing like me. Although, her eyes look very familiar. Where have I seen them? Forget that, how could she be my daughter? I'm still pregnant. Aren't I? My eyes go down to my stomach. It's flat. A little bump had been there last time. Does this mean I already gave birth?

"Your father, who is he?"

"He left. My name?"

"Carla" I blurt out "What do you mean he left?"

"That he left. He doesn't want us"

"Did he tell you that?"

"I just know. Can we go play now? I'm tired of sitting here" before I answer her, she jumps off the bench then pulls me towards the open ground. It dawns on me that we're alone now. Where did everyone go? Where did Carla's father go? How dare he leave us? I should look for him. I'm sure Paulo will be able to find him. By the way, where is he? I don't see him around. I'm trying to remember if I sent him somewhere when something cold hits my face.

"Ow, what the f**k" I blink up to find Carla standing a few feet away from me. Molding snow in her tiny hands. It was sunny just a second ago but now there's snow everywhere.

"Don't move" she says so seriously that I almost obey her. Until she hurls a ball of snow towards me. Out of instinct, I duck "You moved"

"Did you expect me to stand there and let you hit me again? You little s**t. I'll get you back for that" bending down, I start moulding my own ball. It's hours when we fall down laughing like idiots. She beat me but I would never admit that. Damn, I didn't know tiny humans could be so fast "We should probably go home"

"Will you make me chocolate cake? Please?"

"I would if I knew how to. Gianna always makes them for me"

"Then what will you cook for me?"

I close my eyes. I don't know how to cook. There are always servants at my disposal whenever I need anything. And if they're busy, I have Gianna and Simona. Let alone cooking, I've never even learnt how to turn on the gas. Jesus, what kind of mother am I? How will I feed my child?

"I don't know, let's go see what we have in the kitchen" I get up and all of a sudden we're in a kitchen I don't recognize.

"We have everything. I want spaghetti" 

Spaghetti? How hard can it be to cook that? Just putting it in water and letting it boil. Right? "Okay. Sit here while I cook"  hooking my hands under her armpits, I lift her onto one of the chairs beside the aisle then move to the fridge, praying there's something edible in there. Why did I never learn how to cook? Women should know how to do that. If not for themselves then for their children.

"What are you looking for? The spaghetti is not there"

"How do you know that?"

"Because it's not kept in the fridge" smart-ass, how did I end up with a kid like that?

"Are you going to eat plain spaghetti?" oh why, oh why did I have to say that? Now I have to add something to accompany it.

"No. You can't it plain"

"Then shut it and let me do the cooking" I could swear she said something under her breath but when I lift my head, she's smiling. Shaking my head, I go back to scanning the fridge. It's full, with all kinds of food. Scratch that. It's filled with all kinds of uncooked food. Which is so weird because back at home, there's always something ready made to eat "By the way, who's house is this?" no answer "Carla I asked who's house.... " I stop when I see her bent down over a plate of fried chicken. Beside it is a bowl of rice, another bowl with vegetables and another one with a piece of chocolate cake.

"Hey where did you get that? I thought you said I had to cook?"

"Do you even know how to cook?"  she asks raising her eyebrows. It's such a familiar gesture but I can't remember where I've it seen before.

"So you were testing me?"

"Testing? What's that?"

I roll my eyes "Forget it. Can I have the cake?"

"No. Eat yours" she points to her left and sure enough there are plates there with the same food as hers. I'm starting to think I like this place.

"I won't even ask where it came from"

We eat, then sit in the living room beside the fire reading. There's a shelf with books, all kinds of books and Carla said she wanted me to read to her. The last time I read anything was back in college. Other than the comments on my **, I don't read. Later when she's asleep, I pick a novel. Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. It looks interesting so I settle down and read it.

Days pass like that. We wake up, eat, play, eat, read, sleep. It's like a routine we have to follow, one that I find myself liking more and more. Things are easy going here. I don't have to run around the world doing Padre's bidding anymore. Things here are how I want them to be. Carla told me that if I wanted anything, all I had to do is think about it and I'll have it. I've tried to think about Paulo for a while now but he hasn't appeared yet. Despite that, I do enjoy lazying around. Spending time with Carla. She's a fast learner. In two days, she had memorized the alphabetical order. Never thought I would ever be proud of someone doing that.

So this is what motherhood is. Being happy whenever your child achieves something, wanting to see them happy and healthy. Contrary to what I thought, I think I make a kickass mom. Paulo and Silvano would also be great parents, but they can't beat me. We've always wanted to have our own child, the three of us. I'm sure they'll be happy once they get to meet Carla. I wonder when they'll get here. I'm asleep when I hear a voice.

"Carina, honey, wake up"

I sit up looking around. Aside from Carla, there's no one here. Then who's voice was that? I've never heard it before "Is anyone there?" I ask out loud. We've been here for a few weeks now and I haven't seen another soul around. We don't even have neighbors "Hello?"

"It's morning already?" Carla asks yawning.

"No, I think I heard someone calling me. Are you sure it's just here?"

"Yes. We should sleep. Remember you promised me how to throw knives tomorrow?"  at that statement my head starts spinning. I don't remember promising Carla anything like that. It wasn't her. It was.....

"Morning. I came up with a new breakfast" Carla says jumping on the bed. She's also annoying like that. Everyday she wakes up earlier than me then jumps up and down to wake me up. Whatever happened to shaking people awake? Or wait for their eyes to open themselves?

"Ugh, stop that. I'm still sleepy"

"But we have so much to do"

"Do it yourself. Have you never heard of that? DIY?" I grumble pulling the covers over me.

"No. What is it? You have to....." her voice is drowned out by another one.

"Wake up Carina. I know how much you love sleeping but you have to wake up this time"

I sit up "Paulo?"

"Hey, let's go...."

"Where is he? I just heard his voice asking me to wake up. Where is he? Why can't I see him?"

Carla sighs dramatically sitting beside me " I guess it's time for you to go now"

"Go where?"

"Back. If you can hear them then it means you want to go back"

"Back to where?" I don't understand what she's talking about.

"I really loved having you here. You're the best" I want to ask her to explain what she's talking about but then she starts transforming. By that I mean she's growing up, right in front of my eyes, into... Me? "I wanted to know what it felt like to be a grown up like you since I'll never have the chance to be that"

"Why not?"

"Well, because it's not meant to be. I'm really going to miss you"

Why does this sound like a goodbye? "Carla, what are you talking about?"

"I love you mom" she says and I realize it's the first time she's calling me mom. Before I can ask her why she's never called me that, she jabs a finger on my forehead then I'm falling into a bottomless pit. I can't even scream because I'm still too shocked.

As I go down, I see the face of a man around me. He's angry at first then he's smiling. There are so many images and they disappear the second I look at them. Just like that, they keep disappearing until I touch the ground. Well, not really the ground because it's kind of soft and feels like a bed. But why is it still dark? Oh, eyes. My eyes are still closed so I blink them open.

"f**k, why is it so bright in here?"

"Zia, you're awake" someone says. I turn my head to look at who it is and I'm surprised to see a kid.

"Hi there, do you think you can turn off the lights?"

"You're finally awake. I thought you were going to die"

Is he deaf "Nope. Still alive and breathing. The lights?"

"Padrino is going to be so happy that you've woken up" he continues ignoring me "I think he was sad and that's why he's been drinking a lot. I'll go tell...."

"Hold it right there.... Wait, what is your name?"

"It's me Tommaso. Have you forgotten?" he asks as if I'm supposed to know who he is.

"Do I know you?"

"Zia, it's Tommaso. You promised to teach me how throw knives but you haven't. I thought you were going to die before keeping your promise" for some reason, that statement makes my head hurt. A white hot pain that threatens to blow my brains out "Are you okay?"

"My head..... It hurts" I manage to groan. He presses a button beside the bed then runs out making me wonder if he's running away so Paulo won't find him here. But then he rushes back in with more people I don't recognize. Wait, I know Giovanni, he's Padre's right hand.

"Carina, you're awake" a woman says. Beside her there's a woman around my age who looks oddly familiar then the kid who was here earlier. Paulo is standing on the other side with Giovanni so I turn to face him.

"My head hurts. What the f**k happened?"

"Mrs. De Luca, glad to see you awake" some guy in a white lab coat walks in. I don't think he's talking to me though, because I'm in bed and my name is not Mrs. De Luca "How are you feeling?" I look over to the two women expecting them to answer. The pain in my head has subsided a little "Hello, I'm talking to you" the guy waves his hand in front of my face.

"Me?"

"Yes. Who's the other sick person in this room?"

Okay, that makes sense "But I'm not Mrs. De Luca. My name is Marianna Lombardi"

"It is?" he asks raising his eyebrows

"What is wrong with everyone Paulo? I'm the one lying in bed but it seems that you guys are the ones who've forgotten me. And why the hell is Giovanni here? Don't tell me Padre is concerned about me all of a sudden?"

"Marianna, look at me" the doctor snaps his fingers forcing my gaze back on him "What is the last thing you remember? I don't want you to think about it. Just say it"

"The party. We were at a party that Padre had thrown because he wanted me to meet some of his associates. Did I get alcohol poisoning or something? Is that why I'm here?"

"Zia?" the kid from earlier says

"And who is this kid? Why does he keep calling me Zia? It's Marianna or Mari if you like"

"f**k babe, try to remember. What else....."

"No!" the doctor says vehemently "Don't  force her. All of you need to leave so I can have a chat with Miss Lombardi"

They're reluctant but one by one they finally file out. As Paulo closes the door behind him, I wonder what it is he wants me to remember. What have I forgotten?

**********************************************

I guess it's back to the start then.