Last Chance

Chapter 14:

The rest of the days through to Sunday were quiet, peaceful, and uneventful aside from the return of Joel’s headaches and flipping stomach. Malcolm asked about symptoms that had occurred over the week of exposure to the new drug. We explained how his headaches had dissipated for a few days and Joel had been able to eat normally. He was excited about the results. Sophie’s results weren’t as promising but they were trying another course because her cancer was faster spreading and further along.

Joel spent another four hours hooked up to the IV and monitors. He got cold again like last time but other than that no one was having major side effects so far.

Keller commented on how much better he looked already. He cautioned us to be careful though, even though Joel showed signs of getting better we still had to be careful. If Joel ended up having a dizzy spell and hurting himself that could take him out of the trial, making us lose most of the hope we had.

“I’m glad it’s working for you,” Marie says quietly coming over after Joel and Sophie have fallen asleep again.

I wondered if sleepiness was another natural side effect.

“I hope it ends up working for Sophie,” I reply.

We end up talking about what happened with Alexandria and her kids and Jamie’s parents during the week since I’ve seen her. She’s shocked by Charlotte’s behaviour.

“She sounds crazy,” Marie muttered.

“Or scared. If you believe in the whole heaven and hell thing, I guess it can be scary to think your child’s going there,” I reply quietly looking at Joel.

“Hell’s for bad people, all you’ve done is love someone,” she scoffs.

Joel had gravelled with the issue and belief he’d end up in hell years ago. He told me about a year and a half after we got together that he’d actually liked me since the beginning of tenth grade. He used to watch me from the crowd in chess tournaments, he told me it made him miserable to see everyone congratulating me and him not being able to because he feared how others would see him and where he’d end up when he was dead.

“Who cares where we go when we’re dead?” he murmured looking up at the starry sky from a field we were lying in. “We’re dead then and I want to be happy now.”

“I wish they saw it that way,” I reply quietly.

“I would never do that to Sophie,” she continued.

“Are you religious?” I ask.

“I used to go to church as a kid, I kind of stopped after my divorce,” she replied looking back at Sophie again.

“Joel did, too. Every Sunday until he started dating me. His parents hated it when he would skip out on church to see me. But I think his faith really started to fade when he realized his parents weren’t going to ever come around and it got worse when he got sick. He knew the treatments were his only chances but he still prayed that he’d be saved for my sake. When he was told the tumour was back I think he gave up. He doesn’t even wear his cross anymore. I have no idea where the one I bought him went. I highly doubt he threw it out, it’s probably somewhere at home, I just can’t imagine believing in something for so long and finding out it did nothing or that someone I loved would rather go to hell and suffer than lie about who they were and settle for less. That’s probably what his parents think,” I reply.

“Did they forget God loves everyone and Jesus died so we could make mistakes? We have free will, we’re not supposed to be robots,” she commented.

“I don’t know,” I reply quietly.

We sat in silence for a while. The only noises were the other patients and guests and the heart monitors. Next week we had to get new MRIs done to see if the drug trial was working. I was hanging on to the hope that it had shrunk the tumour or made the edges more defined so they could remove it and Joel could be rid of it after over two years.

Malcolm made his rounds writing down symptoms, amounts, names, and other things doctors have to keep track of. An hour later everyone was disconnected and we were sent home.

Joel’s stomach and head felt fine and he had normal meals again. I prayed this meant it was working and not a grace period before his death or something. Jamie and Sam were upstairs in Jamie’s room spending some time together before the school week started up again. I sit on the windowsill behind the couch and watch the snow fall outside. The glass was cold and fogged up every time my breath lingered too close. Joel was on the couch; the TV was turned to some Christmas movie he’d want to see but we hadn’t had time to go to the theatres for and had finally been released on PVR.

I watched the sky darken and the trees’ shadows grow long across the sparkling snow. Alexandria’s house cast light from their living room and dining room outside. You could see her and the kids sitting at the table eating dinner. She looked to be picking at her food as her children ate and talked. Troye grabbed her attention and she perked back up to respond to them before turning back to the uninteresting food. She turned her head towards the window and noticed me, she smiled slightly before picking up her plate and disappearing into the kitchen.

“Can we go to the school tomorrow?” Joel asks.

“I can drive you but I really need to get some of the computers done,” I answer.

“Okay,” he replies. “Too bad you can’t stay. The kids really liked playing basketball with you.”

“They’ll see me again, you should go,” I reply.

“I know you didn’t grow up in a religious household, Luka. But have faith. The fact that I’m feeling better is a good sign,” he replies leaning over the back of the couch close to my shoulder and ear.

“I just don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t,” I reply quietly.

“I know,” he whispers.

I can feel his warm breath on the back of my ear and my cheek.

“I love you,” I mumble leaning back closer to him.

“Of course, you do,” he smiles and kisses me. “We'll always love each other, even when one of us is gone.”

Alexandria and the kids are in the living room watching TV now. I realize I’ve never met or seen her husband, boyfriend, or significant other. They could be at work I suppose, but I realized I’d never seen another car at that house since they’d moved in. Maybe this was one of the reasons the children walked home by themselves despite Troye not even being a teen, because she worked most days to provide for them and well her significant other, if she had one, most likely did the same, they didn’t seem to spend as much time with their family as they should have. Maybe that was why Alexandria seems disinterested in her food and distracted at the dinner table. Maybe she was lonely or missed her significant other.

As much as I wanted kids, I knew it would be nearly impossible or at least very hard to raise them without Joel. As much as Joel wanted me to move on if he did pass, I didn’t know if I’d be able to, I knew I wouldn’t become an alcoholic or anything, but I’d probably go through a depression phase and all that where life at least felt hopeless, but I had a responsibility to Jamie now so I had to be reasonable and stable for his sake, I also didn’t want to have to foreclose on the only house that Joel and I had lived in together and made our home. Or leave me and Jamie homeless.

Joel would also be disappointed if that happened and if I was going to do one thing, I was going to make sure he didn’t regret loving me when his parents told him repeatedly he shouldn’t have for multiple reasons and I also didn’t want them to have any reason or proof that I was anything other than good to Joel or Jamie or that I broke my promises.

Not that his family could do anything to take Jamie away from me, as he would be eighteen before Joel died, but I didn’t want to risk my future chances with adopting or having kids even if I felt I’d never get over Joel.

“Have you planned any of the wedding?” I ask Joel.

“I have some ideas for location but I’m going to ask if everyone will be able to make it to those locations before choosing one. Do you like chocolate or red velvet cake better? I can’t decide. Do you think Alexandria would want to come, one of her kids could be our ring bearer,” he starts rambling, I smiled.

He was excited and couldn’t wait for the day. I know most people dream of their wedding day, and marrying the love of their life, but I think Joel valued it more because of the limited time he had and the fact that for him, unlike most, it was only going to happen once. Others can say they are going to stay together forever but the truth was about half of all marriages end in divorce.

“You can ask her, I’m sure she’d love to, I like red velvet more,” I replied.

Sam left at about 7:30 pm and Jamie ate a late dinner with us before we all went up to bed to prepare for what was to come tomorrow.

Jamie was up and gone by 7:30 am and Joel shook me back awake two hours later to get me to drive him to the school. I drove him there through the snow-covered roads and neighbourhoods. I reminded him to call me when he was done or if he started feeling sick. I said hi to a few students and teachers before going back to the house.

Oddly, Alexandria’s car is in the driveway. She said Wednesday was her day off, what was she doing home on a Monday? I see her on the phone in the window, she spots me, finishes her call and comes out quickly.

“Luka, I favour to ask of you, if you’re not busy and don’t mind,” she adds trying to be polite and not seem pushy even though she seems worried and in a panic.

I glance back at my house and the computers I know are sitting near the garage door that need to get done today.

“What is it?” I ask cautiously.

Maybe it wouldn’t take very long.

“The elementary school called a snow day, so Nial is home but I have to go in for work till at least 1:30 pm, I was wondering if you and Joel could watch him, I’ll pay you if that’s an issue,” she explains quickly.

I look to their front door where Nial is dressed in Spiderman pyjamas looking at us curiously.

“Joel’s not here right now, but I’ll watch him. Don’t worry about paying me,” I reply.

“Thank you, maybe I can do dinner for you again instead, sometime?” she continues.

“I’ll just take a rain check on it for now. Go to work, we’ll have fun, won’t we, Nial?” I call him.

He smiles shyly disappearing back inside to get his coat, boots, and toys so he’ll be entertained well Alexandria is gone.

“Okay, thanks again,” she replies racing into the house to get Nial ready.

I wait on their sidewalk.

“Does he have a car seat in case I have to pick up Joel before you return?” I ask when she comes back.

“Yeah, one sec,” she replies pulling her keys out of her purse she lets go of Nial’s hand to go to the car to retrieve the car seat.

Nial looks up at me, still smiling.

He raises his hand and points at me.

“Lu,” he says.

“That’s right, Nial. Luka’s going to look after you well Mommy goes to work. You be good now,” she replies coming back from the car with the car seat. “Bye, sweetie.”

I take the car seat. She gets into the car and backs out of their driveway. Nial waves as she does so. Once she’s gone, I take Nial’s hand and we walk back across the street to my house. I set the car seat in the front hall and sit Nial in the living room with some cartoons and his backpack of toys. I figured he’d just had breakfast so he wouldn’t be hungry for a while.

I walked to the garage to get a computer to attempt to do some work.

“PC,” Nial said pointing to the computer I’d just brought out.

It wasn’t a PC but I guess for a little kid saying two letters is easier than saying the word “computer”.

“Yes,” I replied.

I remember my younger cousins talking a lot more at this age, and in fuller sentences. It was none of my business but since I’d heard a lot about education from Joel during his college years, my read on the kid was that he was behind or slow. He seemed to talk more when Joel was around last time, maybe he liked Joel.

“Jo?” he then asked.

“He’s not here right now, we might have to go get him before your mother comes back but I don’t know,” I answer.

He seemed to get lost in the cartoons after that, I worked and finished one computer before my phone rang at noon.

“Joel?” I reply picking up.

“It’s Mark,” the voice on the other end replied.

Mark was one of the new teachers that started at the middle school the same year as Joel. They had bonded quickly over their new classes and students.

The fact that Joel wasn’t the one calling was a bad sign.

“Is Joel alright?” I ask.

“Did you really let him plan the wedding?” he asks.

“Why does he want you all to fly to Mexico or something? It’s his wedding, too and he’ll probably only get one, I want him to enjoy it as much as he can,” I reply.

“No, I and others agreed on Central Park in New York. I just hope he doesn’t work too hard, stress isn’t good,” he continues.

“Believe me, he knows. He was too stressed out last week with starting the drug trial and Jamie’s mother’s threats,” I reply.

“The date’s been set for July sometime so the teachers and students can come,” he continues.

I hear noises in the background.

“You okay?” I hear him ask slightly further away from the phone, obviously not directed at me.

“Fine, just a stumble,” Joel replies.

“You sure? You don’t want me to tell him to come get you?” Mark asks.

Joel must give some non-verbal response.

“Okay,” Mark replies.

“Is he okay?” I ask.

“He stumbled a bit, no nausea or headache though. People stumble all the time, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” he reminds me.

“I’ll call you back if it gets worse or he asks for you, okay?” he continues.

“Right,” I reply quietly.

The phone call ends, I’m worried now. I can’t focus on another computer or even the cartoon Nial is watching. My mind drifts and dwells on Joel till my phone rings again and an hour later, I hesitate but eventually pick it up, it’s Mark again.