Phoenix of Dawn

Past Life

    I woke up over an hour ago, checked on Claira and ignored Axel's existence which was hard when it was only him and I conscious in the car. Focusing on the world drifting by and the stretching night around us, I tried to keep my mind off the man in the seat next to me. I was better than this. I was trained to focus and remove my emotions from any given situation at any given time. This was no different. 

    Except that it was different. Every fiber of my being seemed to focus its attention on his every move, every breath, and even the steady staccato of his heart beat. It was as if I were a radio, set to receive one signal and one  alone. 

    Axel.

    His name was like a siren's call, beckoning me towards the edge of something I feared would claim my life. My chest felt heavy with uncertainty while my stomach twisted with a certain thrill I'd never felt before. 

    Get it together.

    I stared at my aunt's paling complexion, forcing myself to remember the realities of the our current situation. There was no room for childish crushes or whatever Axel had brewing in the depths of me. My aunt was dying in the backseat. A war was consuming my home. The enemy was hot on our trail. How could I seriously be distracted by some pretty boy spy who had been nothing but an asshole since the moment we met? 

    "She's going to die, isn't she," I finally said it.

    Axel tensed beside me, his knuckles white on the wheel as he took in my words. I studied him, the crease in his brow only serving to solidify what I had already surmised. She was too far gone. Even if we got her back to the base, even if they treated her, even if...

    My eyes shut, my body slumping against the chair. 

    She was going to die. Like so many I'd watched suffer the same fate. My friends. My comrades. My family. 

    Suddenly nothing seemed so urgent any more. Nothing else mattered except the woman in the backseat struggling to drag in air. The last bit of my family left. Her face swam into view in my mind's eye, healthy and happy. 

    What if I forget her face? What if I lost every piece of her to the void her absence would surely open up within me. 

    "Don't give up."

    My eyes fluttered open to look at Axel, "What?"

    "Don't give up, Kyra. Not on her and not on yourself. You have to keep going."

    I couldn't bring myself to look back at her again, the tears welling in my eyes and burning in my throat.    What if I looked back and she was no longer there?

    "Have you ever lost a family member," I inquired.

    "Yes," He shifted in the corner of my eye, "My father."

    "How did you get through it? How did you keep going?"

    He was silent for a long moment, "You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Throw one more punch. Push yourself one more inch. Just one at a time."

    I looked out the window, breathing in his words.

    "She's not gone yet," He reminded me, "I know you've been trained to cut your losses and shut it down to survive but don't do that yet. She's still here, Kyra. She's still breathing."

    I didn't want them but the tears sprung to my eyes, burning through my resolve and reminding me that there were still parts of me that were fragile. They were mere remnants of the little girl I once was and could no longer afford to be. She had been weak and she had died during my years of training. Her soft, supple flesh had given way to the killing machine I'd been programmed to be, no more than a weapon in a godless war.

    There was no way in hell that I would admit it to Axel, his head was too big as it stood, but I admired him. He had somehow managed to spend so much time behind enemy lines, face harsh trials to move up Ky's ranks and yet he still held onto his loyalty. 

    Without permission, my eyes drifted across the car, scouring his features for some hint at the man beneath the carefully placed mask. If there was still a soul within him then he hid it well from the world. I supposed he had to in his line of work. 

    His molten eyes flicked to me, searing me like he'd poured melted gold straight down into my insides.     My stomach twisted in knots and yet I couldn't relinquish his burning gaze, willing the ice in my own stare to combat his heat. 

    He looked away first and although it was to be sure we didn't crash and die, I still took it as a victory. 

    We sat in silence, my attention on the slowly flattening terrain that flew by out the window. Earth was truly beautiful, even its dullest parts held some magnitude of beauty in its subtle landscape and various plant species. I would miss it when I went back to Eden, its issues seeming so trivial in comparison to the trials that lay ahead of me. 

    My bluey-gray eyes flicked from each oncoming tree until my lashes began to flutter in some poorly planned attempt to keep me awake. Before I could comprehend what was happening, the cool surface of the window was pressed against my forehead, my conscious mind falling victim to my dreams.

    The smell of rain and wet stone surrounded me. The cobblestone beneath me was moist, the cold surface pressing into my body and seeping through my clothes. Pushing up on my hands I took in my surroundings. Whatever room or city or whatever I was in was completely dark outside the pool of light around me. 

    The sound of dirt scrapping as I lifted myself to my knees sent tingles down my spine. There was a distinct feeling burning into the back of my shoulders, someone was watching me. 

    "On your feet."

    The soft whisper in my ear was no more than a breath of air but it hardly prepared me for the memory that ricocheted through me. It wasn't so much a flash of  images than a bang. They hit me like a ton of bricks, taking the oxygen out of my lungs. 

    Ky.

    He demanded us to fight, keep fighting until one of us was dead. His looming figure haunted my dreams, the cold glare of his slate gray eyes drilling into me, commanding me.

    No sooner had I gotten my feet under me than I was knocked back down onto my butt. I whirled back up scouring the darkness for my opponent. A pair of dull gray eyes met mine beneath dark brows. A lethal snarl left her curled lips more animal than girl. The person before me was something so far beyond recognition that it took me far too long to recognize her for who she truly was.

    Me.

    She spun with such grace and yet the force of her blow was so menacing. She was a pretty, deadly weapon. Her every gliding move shook the very core of me and rattled my bones so intensely that they nearly shattered from each impact. 

    The constant volley of expertly landed punches and kicks sent me flying to the ground several times over. My muscles shook, trying and failing to lift me back off the ground. I felt defeated... hopeless... and frightened. There was a time many years ago that such a situation would have rendered me helpless and maybe I would have cried. Not any more. I was resolved. If death came then I was deserving of it. Life was for those who could keep their feet under them and I had failed. 

    My eyes met the familiar cool gaze of my double, except... she was changing. Her skin stretching and tanning before my very eyes. Her icy stare turned to one of  molten fury and disdain as her voice morphed from my own to the disconnected tone of a man.

    "You're pathetic, really."

    His fist clenched, golden lightening charging the air around him as he wound up to the throw his final punch. 

    "Axel!"

    I jerked awake with a gasp for air. 

    What the hell?

    I could feel Axel's eyes on me from across the still car and it was that moment I realized we had made it to our destination. The small building before us looked cheerful, a stark contrast to my nightmare or even the situation we were in. A handful of people were milling about, stretching their legs and chatted lightly with fellow travelers. How simple it must be to lead such mundane lives facing such trivial issues. I'd wish for such a fate if I didn't think I'd be utterly lost in such a simplistic life. 

    How does one just... be?

    Axel's eyes were still fixed on me, a tinge of curiosity creasing his brow. 

    "What," I snapped, unbuckling myself, "I'll get the guide."

    Not even giving him a moment to respond to my question I rushed out of the car and toward the building. The door chimed as I pushed through, the heater hitting me like a brick wall and mixing with the smell of laminated brochures and magazines. 

    Shifting through the stacks of guides, maps and brochures I located one that depicted the "must see" lakes of missouri. The one we were looking for had to be inside. 

    Skimming through the pages, I waited in the short line at the checkout counter, trying to ignore the unease settling under my skin. We were safer in daylight. We were safe in daylight.

    The gentleman ahead of me took his newly purchased key chain and bag of chips toward the exit as I stepped up in his wake. Placing the brochure down I added a few bags of chips and a couple bottles of water before making a snap decision and threw down a Missouri themed baseball cap. 

    The board cashier popper her gum while she rang me up on the manual register. I dug around in my pocket and handed over the cash before declining a bag practically running for the door. My anxiety was climbing  and the only thing that would resolve the blooming fear in my chest was getting back on the road. 

    Tossing the chips at Axel I glanced back at Claira and snapped myself in before leafing through the brochure. There were multiple big lakes in Missouri but the largest was Truman lake. It only took a few seconds to locate the lake on the map and send Axel in the correct direction. The more miles we covered, the easier I felt. 

    After planning out our path I settled back in the seat to take a sip out of one of the water bottles I'd purchased. 

    "So..."

    I cringed.

    That tone, the tone that said, "We should probably talk about what happened."

    There was nothing to talk about. Nothing I wanted to talk about anyways. Axel didn't need an explanation for my sudden and jarring return to reality earlier. 

    "You were dreaming about me?"

    What?

    The last thing I expected was the cocky, teasing words that sounded unnatural coming from his no nonsense mouth. I felt the twist of confusion on my face as I forced myself to stare straight ahead rather than inspect the crooked smirk on his face. 

    "What?"

    "You said my name," he went on, the light teasing tone still present in his voice, "Sounded pretty intense. You should probably try to contain your little crush on me better."

    My jaw dropped, the urge to face him too powerful as I turned to shoot daggers at him. 

    "Excuse me?"

    Crush? A crush? On him?

    The whole notion of me feeling anything for him other than intense irritation was so far out of left field that I couldn't even string together a cohesive argument. My usual quick wit and sharp tongue were sudden slow as sludge and dull as a spoon. I was rendered defenseless with one stupid accusation from this arrogant d**k hole.

    "I do not have a crush on you," I scoffed.

    "You stare a lot."

    My cheeks blazed, "Because I don't trust you."

    "You were dreaming about me."

    Furiously I clenched my fists on my thighs, "For your information I was dreaming about fighting you and to be clear, I was kicking your ass."

    His expression was speculative and I found myself suddenly very determined to be sure he believed me. 

    "You seemed concerned about me."

    "More like annoyed by your stupid face being in my dream."

    A laugh as light as the plinking notes of a piano filled the space of the car. I inhaled, my chest tightening with something akin to anxiety as I struggled to breathe. This was too weird. Too familiar and normal. The itch to swing open the door and jump for it hit me like a hurricane and suddenly my eyes were on the window counting trees that passed by. 

    "I was kidding, Kyra."

    "Well did you ever think that maybe this is the time for jokes?"

    He was quiet for a moment and the soft murmur of his voice reached my ears. I turned back to him, my ears straining to make sense of his hushed words.

    "What?"

    His grip on the wheel tightened, "You don't smile. I wanted to try to give you a moment you could smile about."

    I stared at him, perplexed by his confession. 

    "Well, maybe next time you shouldn't try to make me smile by talking about you. If you hadn't noticed, I hate you."

    He snorted, "Ah, I should have known better."

    "I can't blame you. I'm sure you suck as a person because your socialization skills were crippled by Ky's brutal training tactics. I can forgive this oversight."

    "I appreciate that."

    The corners of my mouth twitched up as I turned back to the window. Maybe Axel wasn't so bad.