As the river flows

Chapter 10

The shriek woke Ankit up, and before he could so much as sit up, hands were grasping at him, pulling him in, and enveloping him in the smell of faint roses and stale alcohol.

“Ankit Verma! Why do you do this to me? Why? Do you know how worried I have been? I’ve called you a million times! I’ve been looking everywhere, and now I find you passed out in front of our apartment?” Laura shrieks, making Ankit flinch away from the sudden noise, and the hands that are shaking him mercilessly. She had been worried sick, when she had woken up in the early hours of the morning to a sulking Damon, and an empty flat. After much grumbling, Damon had relented and told her what had happened, and she had gone looking for Ankit.

Her first instinct had been to come home, and she had, but he had not been there, so she had gone out looking for him, directionless, but determined. An hour or two of walking around had yielded nothing, and as the sun rose slowly above the rooftops, she had decided to just come home and wait for him to come back. And now, here he was, sprawled haphazardly on the floor, in front of their apartment door, seemingly having fallen asleep outside.

“Laura! Can you maybe not shout? You’re gonna wake up the ne-neighbours.” Ankit says around a yawn.

“I don’t bloody care about the neighbours, you bloody lunatic!” she cried, “Where on Earth have you been?”

“Just here and there,” he said, avoiding her eyes, knowing that if he were to look at her directly, he would break down. He could feel the lump lodged in his throat.

After he had left the apartment, he had wandered directionless and unsure. The cool air and the night lights had calmed him down as he had walked down the by lanes and inner roads. At some point he had found himself by the Seine, and had sat down by the river bank. His thoughts had been turbulent and his emotions spilled over, leaving him feeling drained.

Alone. He was alone. Like always. Perhaps it had been foolish of him to expect things to be different now. Even his own family had not wanted him, had not fought to keep him, and had not cared. No one did. He had clearly lost his mind. To think that he would ever be enough! Of course not! He couldn’t even bring himself to be angry at Matteo. After all he had just stated the truth. Maybe he had been unkind. But what he had said was only true. Maybe he even deserved the unkindness.

He felt the tears spill over, leaving his heart raw and bare. His hands shook as he brought them up to his face, rubbing at his eyes roughly, trying to stem the flow of the tears running down his cheeks. He didn’t even deserve to grieve damnit! A sob was ripped from him, unbidden and unwanted. Clutching at himself, Ankit folded over as the sobs came in waves now that the dam was broken. His frame shook with the intensity of his grief. There is no greater heartbreak than self-loathing, and in that moment, Ankit found himself entrenched in the quagmires of his mind, dripping with loathing and hatred for himself. His thoughts were like quicksand, pulling him in and dragging him down into despair and grief. Hind mind was clouded with self-deprecating thoughts that went round and round in a sinister cycle, making him spiral down deeper, without an end in sight.

By the time his mind calmed down and he came up for air, the sun was already peeking out from above the rooftops on the horizon, bathing the cobbled streets in its warm glow and painting the sky pink. As the last of the sobs, left his lips, Ankit breathed in deeply and shuddered. He knew that he couldn’t let a few unkind words spoken by a person that barely knew him, shake his sense of self. He knew he should not let the words rattle him, and leave him broken. He knew that. He did. But, the thing about insecurities is that they don’t ask for permission before presenting themselves, and once unchained, they stomp on your heart till nothing is left but froth and blood. Impossible to tame and ferocious, they only leave c*****e in their wake, leaving you but a mere shadow of your true self. And Matteo, unknowingly, had awoken the giant, unleashing hell upon Ankit’s soul.

But, you see, Ankit had spent years, and years, and years working to look beyond his insecurities and love himself, and he hated the fact that some person, practically a stranger, could shake the foundation that he had worked so hard to build for himself. Logically he knew that he was loved. Feroze loved him. Considered him like a son. His friends loved him. Even Laura, for the little time that she had known him. And he owed it to them to love himself. Yet it was easier said than done. The heart is a fickle and tempestuous thing. Doing as it pleases without any heed to its owner.

Thus, with a heavy heart and a throbbing head, Ankit, shook himself out of the stupor he had fallen into, and gingerly stood up, feeling the pins and needles in his feet as the blood rushed all at once to his limbs after sitting still for so long.

He looked up at the sky and took a bracing breath in. He would get over this. New day, new me and all that garbage. He took out the phone in his pocket, only to see that it had switched off sometime during the night.

“And why are you sleeping outside the door?” asked Laura, cutting through his thoughts, and bringing him into the here and now.

“I left my key in my jacket’s pocket, and I forgot my jacket at Damon’s,” he mumbled, not wanting to be grilled for another fifteen minutes.

“Jeez! You’re a right f*****g mess!” Laura sighed. “Right! Come on now! Get up! Let’s go inside.”

She pulled him up to his feet and opened the door as he swayed precariously, holding onto the doorframe for support.

Once the door was open, she ushered him in and towards the bedroom. He stumbled as he shuffled on to the bed in the corner of the room, barely managing to get his feet out of the boots. His head felt too heavy for his neck to hold up, and his limbs felt too large and discordant.

Under Laura’s mindful gaze, he plopped down onto the mattress, haphazardly, and closed his eyes. He could hear her shifting around the room, cleaning up around him. He grunted, protesting, when he felt her hands tug at his pants, pulling them off and leaving him bare. But, before he could really lift his head up and grumble, he felt the touch of soft flannel material on his bare legs, as a pair of pants was slid up and over him, clothing him again. He simply lifted his hips to accommodate the inconvenience when prompted. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes, he lay there like a rag doll, useless.

With much effort he looked up at Laura. She was folding up the pants that he had been wearing. And in that moment, he was struck with such a sense of gratitude to have her in his life. In that moment it didn’t matter whether he felt worthless, and unwanted. She was here, and he was grateful for the friendship she offered.

He could feel the sob threatening to burst forth again, so he did the next best thing. He sat up and shuffled all the way to the edge and pulled Laura into a hug. He smiled slightly, when he felt her hands go round him, as she rested her head on top of his.

They stood like that for a while, taking comfort from each other’s presence, each lost in their own thoughts. Maybe if they stayed like this for a while, things would get better.