As the river flows

Chapter 5

The trees swayed gently overhead, painting the ground with a meandering crisscross of light and shadow. It was a pleasant day, the air balmy and the sun warm, as Ankit rolled over onto his back on the grass and looked up. He could hear the birds chirping, and the crickets buzzing in the distance, and in that moment all he wanted to do was fall right back to sleep. In fact, he could feel his eyes growing leaden, and his body sinking into the ground.

Wait, sinking? But, before he could make sense of what was happening, Ankit had fallen through the ground and into, what seemed like, a cave. In a twisted sort of way it made perfect sense that he should be here right now. I mean, he had fallen into the ground, right? Where else would he be? Right? Of course.

A low rumbling interrupted his train of thought. There seemed be light coming from the tunnel on the left of the cave. The noise grew louder and louder, as he watched a large caravan make its way towards him, leaving a billowing cloud of dust behind it. Ankit tripped on a rock and fell on his butt just as the vehicle pulled up right in front of him. He squinted at the jalopy, through his coughing fit. There was a huge flower drawn on the side, with a smiling face, and reminded his suspiciously of Takashi Murakami’s work. Wait, was this Takashi Murakami’s caravan? Did he come here to pick him up? Yeah, maybe.

He got up off the ground and knocked hesitantly on the door, feeling excitement bubbling up within him. He waited as the large door opened slowly, heaving in protest.

“Laura?” Ankit’s voice comes out loose in the form of a soft whisper, as his eyes adjusted to the lack of light inside the vehicle, and he was slowly able to make out the face of the person sitting inside.

Laura looked at him stonily. There was something different about her. Ankit looked at her carefully, gasping when he noticed that her soft brown eyes, were glowing an intense grey. The eyes held no affection, just contempt towards him. She slowly got up from her seat and walked up to the edge of the vehicle, till she stood directly in front of him.

Then she opened her mouth and said in a strangely familiar voice, “You are in my way.”

Ankit jolted awake. His heart was beating fast and he could feel the sweat trickling down the side of his neck. It was just a dream. With a groan he slowly sat up on the bed, flailing softly as he tried to detangle himself from the bed-sheets. He rubbed his hands across his face, trying to wake himself up. Maybe that would stop the heavy feeling from festering in his rapidly beating heart. He brought a shaky hand down and clutched at the fabric of his nightshirt right above his chest.

He could still remember the eyes boring into him, and the scathing words. It was that guy from the airport. ‘Why? Why? Why?’ He thought as he flopped back down onto the bed and rolled from side to side. ‘Why did I have to dream of that guy? Why him? Seriously! Now I’m gonna have a terrible day. I just know it.’

“Ughhh!” He groaned out loud, and buried his face in the pillows. It had been a week and a half but he still remembered that guy’s face. Clear as day. He remembered the eyes. He remembered the nose. His goddamn jaws. Even the tiny mole at the tip of his nose. He was very handsome, it was undeniable.

“But, so rude,” Ankit huffed, shaking his head. “Yeah. It doesn’t matter if he looked absolutely gorgeous. He was rude and mean, and doesn’t deserve a single spare second of mine.” With a groan, he rolled over in bed and sat up at the edge. Shaking his head, he got up and made his way to the washroom.

As he crossed the living room on his way, he heard Laura singing softly as she watered the plants out in the balcony. Smiling to himself, he went about his morning routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth and taking a shower.

“Laura! Do you want breakfast?” He shouted as he got out of the shower, freshly cleaned and ready to face the day.

“Yeah, okay. Bacon and toast?” she said, as she emerged from the living room.

“Did you get bacon yesterday?” he asked quirking an eyebrow at her.

“Uh, no? Was I supposed to?” She looked at him sheepishly.

“So…pancakes?” He sighed.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s do that.” 

Nodding, he made his way to the kitchen. Laura shuffled in behind him. As he started opening the cabinets to take out the ingredients, she hauled herself onto the counter, reaching out for an apple that was piled haphazardly onto one of the bowls to her right.

“Wash it before you eat,” reprimanded Ankit as he watched her bring the fruit to her mouth.

Grumbling, she conceded, washing the fruit under the tap.

“So, um,” she started around a mouthful of fruit. Ankit hummed and nodded in her direction, to show that he was listening. She twirled the fruit in her hands, delaying whatever was weighing down on her mind. She looked out the window and bit absent-mindedly on the apple, swinging her legs back and forth.

“What is it?” asked Ankit turning to face her more fully, once he saw that she was starting to get lost in her own mind. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Mmm,” she hummed. She turned her head towards him. “I know. It’s just, I dunno how I feel about this right now.”

“What?” He rested his hip on the counter and waited.

“Marco and I, we broke up again. Maybe for the last time, this time.” She grimaced. Ankit searched her face for any sign of heartbreak and sadness, but all he found was a resigned sort of acceptance. “Every time we broke up, I would feel this pain in my heart, you know? But, the last two times, and especially this time, I don’t feel anything.”

She looked at him, her eyes confused, and he nodded towards her to continue. She sighed and looked out again, taking another bite of the fruit. “It’s like I don’t care anymore. I have never felt so distant from him before. It’s like I got over him even while I was with him. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it does.” Ankit walked over to her and sat down on the sill beside her. She laid her head on his shoulder.

“I really loved him, you know? And I think I’ll always care for him. But, I just can’t be with him anymore. It doesn’t spark any joy in me.”

Ankit reached out to hold her hand in his and intertwined their fingers, giving it a slight squeeze. “You know, I’m glad that you can see what’s right for you and are doing what makes you happy. Most people just hold onto things, too afraid to let go, even if it’s tearing them apart.”

“Yeah I guess so.”

They sat there, right on the counter beside the window for a very long time, breakfast forgotten, just holding onto each other. Two people, a little lost, but better with the other around.

                                                                                             ----

The resident’s meet and greet later that week went better than expected. The other three residents (Damon, Sonja, and Omar) were all really fun to be around, and they all got along very well. So much so that they all ended up hanging almost every other day for the next week, at either Ankit and Laura’s place or Omar’s apartment that he shared with Sonja. Damon already had a place to stay, since his parents had an apartment in Paris, even though they were from Dijon.  

Ankit had never had so many people surround him with so much light and positivity. These days his heart felt like it was on the verge of expanding like a helium balloon, till it burst, unable to contain the giddiness that filled him whenever he woke up in the morning. And the days that followed were no different. Filled with laughter and genuine companionship, that satisfied a part of him that he had never known existed. But it chubbed up in his heart, well-fed and content leaving him smiling at the end of each day, even as his body slumped over in bed, tired from the day.

All the years that he had spent thinking about the value of his own life and whether he was worth anything, seemed like a cruel hand dealt to him by fate, his life so removed from that in this moment. But the thoughts and the doubts sometimes creeped in through the blinds of his mind as he lay awake in bed late in the night (almost morning, honestly) after a day spent with his new friends. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder if he was dreaming now. If this was just an elaborate simulation that his brain had conjured up during one of those lonely days to fool him into submission.

Ankit chuckled dryly, rubbing his hand across his mouth as he looked out across the table towards the other four. Sonja and Laura were engaged in an animated debate about something or the other. He chuckled softly as Laura pulled a face at Sonja, causing her to splutter and choke on her drink and accidently spilling some on Omar’s shirt (who had been busy scrolling through his phone).

Looking to the side his eyes caught on Damon, who was looking straight at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Ankit quirked an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side a little. Damon’s face broke into a smile and he laughed out loud, like it was ripped out of him by force. Confused, Ankit laughed along.

“Do you want another drink?” Damon leaned in to his side and whispered in his ear.

“Um,” he looked down to the half-finished drink in his hands, but something in the way Damon was looking at him in that moment made him relent. “Yeah, sure.”

“Good.” He winks and gets up to go to the bar, leaving behind a dumbfounded and red-faced Ankit.

Ankit was at a loss of how to behave. He did not want to misunderstand what’s going on here, but, no one has come onto him so strong before. I mean, of course he has had relationships in the past. He’s not a prude! He was out and proud about being gay, but all his previous experiences have been extremely hush-hush. This new found freedom and acceptance of all things him, was starting to leave light-headed and giddy.

This casual and overt flirting would never have happened so openly back home. And while it was frankly freeing to be able to express himself in the most primal of ways, it also left him with clammy hands and a wildly beating heart. It did not help that Damon was very cute either, with his brown hair and green eyes that sparkled with mirth every time he laughed.

Soon Damon returned with two drinks in his hands.

“Sorry that took so long” he said with a grimace.

“No, no. It’s fine.” Ankit waved off. “Thanks for the drink.”

“No, thanks for letting me buy it. It’s a pleasure.”

Ankit laughed “You’re such a gentleman, aren’t you?”

“I try. Especially for boys as cute as you.” Damon said with a smirk, as he rested his head on his hands.   

Ankit flushed a deep red and hid his smile in his drink. It was rare to find people who were so open and ready to dish out compliments as Damon seemed to be. It left him feeling dopey and reeling, with butterflies in his stomach.

He glanced furtively at Damon as he went back to the conversation around him, catching his eye sometimes, and smiling shyly. This moment in time felt brand new and shining with a thousand possibilities, and Ankit felt ready to take that leap. Maybe it was the liquid courage lowering his inhibitions and making him feel easier in his own skin, or maybe it was the sultry air in the Parisian bar set so far away from the life he had always known. But maybe, just maybe, it was him that was simply ready, brimming with the desire to start living his life to the fullest.

But, whatever it was, it propelled him headfirst into the here and now, and when Damon whispered in his ears and put his hands on his thigh, he did not hesitate to follow him onto the dance floor. The night was young and so was he.