VALENTINO SERIES 2: TO TAME HIS HEART

Kabanata 32

Georgia

Pilit akong bumangon. Medyo nanginginig ang mga tuhod at pawisan pa. I sat on the edge of the bed while catching my breath. My heart was loudly beating inside my chest, probably wanting to break my ribs so I could just die.

Who wants to live after what happened to me anyway?

Tuluyan akong tumayo at isinuot ang roba na nasa sahig. I fixed my robe and walked towards the veranda. Dinampot ko ang kaha ng sigarilyo saka ko isinangkal ang mga braso ko sa harang. The cold breeze caressed my cheeks as I lit a cigarette stick.

"Georgia," I heard Senator Diaz called but I just looked over my shoulder with a cold expression written in my eyes.

Ibinuga ko ang usok palabas ng aking dibdib. "You can just wire the rest of the money before you leave."

He stood up from the bed and walked towards my direction. He knows I don't like it when someone hugs me so he stayed by the door and stared at me.

"You know we can take this to the next level. I'm getting tired of meeting you only when you wanna see me," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "This is just a casual f**k. If you're getting tired of my rules, just find someone else you can bed."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntonghininga niya. "I know you only sleep with me for your convenience and lavish lifestyle, but I want you exclusively. I have feelings for you, Georgia. We can start dating instead. Maybe if you will give me a chance--"

"I already said this once, I'm not gonna repeat myself again." Matalim ko siyang tinitigan. "I am not interested in you so f**k your feelings for me."

Lumamlam ang mga mata niya. Imbes na sagutin pa ako ay pumasok siya ulit ng kwarto. I heard him went to the bathroom to probably shower. Ilang minuto rin siya roon bago lumabas at nagbihis na.

I was on my third stick when he broke the silence between us. "I sent you twice the amount you want. I'll see you on Saturday once I get home from Hong Kong."

Hindi ako kumibo. I just stared at the city lights while mindlessly puffing my cigarette. Nang makaalis siya ay tuluyan akong naupo sa lapag. Walang pakialam kahit malamig ang tiles at tanging roba lamang ang suot ko.

I ran my fingers onto my hair before I threw my cigarette bud on the floor. Isinara ko ang mga mata ko saka ko pinakawalan ang mabigat na hangin sa aking dibdib.

Slowly, a familiar image started to appear in my head. The details of his face was so clear my heart began to ache once again.

How long has it been? Three? No. Four years. I don't know. I lost count already, but the taste of his lips stayed in mine no matter how many guys I had already kissed.

Itiniklop ko ang aking mga binti bago iyon niyakap. I'm alone again. My mind is free to think of the things I know I shouldn't reminisce anymore. Siguro ay ganoon talaga. Kung ano pa ang nais mong ibaon sa limot ay iyon pa ang mas maaalala mo.

Gaya ng lalakeng basta ko na lang iniwan pagkatapos akong pagsamantalahan ng sarili kong ama.

My body started to tremble when I remembered that night again. Dad brought me home after violating me. Parang walang nangyari kung makalakad paakyat ng hagdan.

I felt so embarrassed. Dirty, perhaps. Kahit anong kuskos ko sa balat ko ay hindi nawala ang rungis ko.

I cried in the shower, asking God why it had to happen to me. Wala akong ibang maisip kun'di ang kahihiyan ko. Ang posibleng mangyari pa sa akin, at ang maaaring maging tingin sa akin ng taong mahal ko.

Or maybe my fear of being dumped by the man I love after finding out what happened was the main reason why I left him. Kasi baka kung ayawan niya ako dahil napagsamantalahan ako ng sarili kong ama ay hindi ko kayanin.

Out of all the people in the world, it's his opinion about what happened to me that would definitely make me want to take my own life.

Humugot ako ng matalim na hininga bago tuluyang tumindig. I went inside and sat on the edge of the bed. Dinampot ko ang bag ko't kinuha sa loob ang pamilyar na singsing na ginawa kong palawit sa kwintas. I wore the necklace before I laid down on the bed. My eyes stared blankly onto the ceiling while I caressed the ring with my fingertips.

Senator Diaz is a good man. I met him in a social function six months ago. He's ten years older than me. I was looking for a hook up while he was bewitched by my beauty.

We started seeing each other to f**k since then. He became one of my boy toys whom I call whenever the memories of my unfortunate experience come to haunt me.

What my Dad had done to me caused me to crave for s*x all the time. I became addicted to it . . . or maybe I wanted to f**k someone just so I could cover up the memories I badly wanted to forget.

But no matter whom I let use my body, no matter how many lips I have kissed, I still find myself craving for the one familiar man. For the one familiar body.

Nilunok ko ang bara sa aking lalamunan. Of course, I can't just hit him with a chat and ask for s*x. I left him after my Dad violated me. Tumakas ako at nagpunta ng Macau. I stayed there for nearly a month before I moved to another country.

My brothers thought I was just trying to heal from what Ron had done to me. Kuya Israel and kuya Russia sent me money every week so I can have something to spend.

Boyd tried to contact me. He even used his connections with my brothers to reach me but I . . . never answered any of his calls and messages. Not even once . . . until finally, he stopped. He stopped and never bothered me again.

Kung nanawa ba siya kaiisip kung uuwi pa ako sa kanya o kung may nakilala siyang bago habang mag-isa sa Pilipinas ay hindi ko alam. Ni minsan ay hindi naman ako nakibalita. I was terrified to even ask if he's still alive. Maybe it was guilt, or maybe it was just my way of preventing myself from running back to him.

Kasi kahit na ni minsan hindi siya nawala sa puso't isip ko, alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako nararapat para sa kanya. I don't even think I'm worthy for anyone. Kahit sa mga lalakeng nakakasalo ko sa kama.

The crime my own dad has done destroyed me within, and I never recovered since then. I . . . never felt alive since then.

Kung hindi lang ako nag-alala noon sa dating girlfriend ni kuya Russia ay hindi ako uuwi. I stayed because I was so scared of what Dad could do to Freyja. Ngunit kahit na tumutuloy ako sa bahay, hindi nawala ang takot ko na baka isang gabi, magising na lang ako na may ginagawa na ulit ang sarili kong ama sa akin kaya tuwing gabi ay umaalis ako at naghahanap ng pwedeng makasalo sa kama.

My phone rang. Napabalik ako sa reyalidad dahil sa ingay ng natanggap na tawag. I reached for my phone and answered Mom's call.

"Mommy," malamig kong bungad.

"Georgia, your brother is dating someone too young and naive. We can't let him take that woman seriously. Walang puwang sa pamilyang ito ang mahihinang babae."

I pursed my lips as the first thought that came inside my mind was the danger the girl would face once she becomes a part of our family. Kilala ko si kuya. Kung mapamahal siya ay ipakikilala sa amin. He will take her home, introduce her to our parents, and if Dad sees an opportunity to do something to her, I don't think my brother would be able to save her.

Natatakot ako para sa babaeng sinasabi ni Mommy dahil tama ang sinabi niya. Walang puwang sa pamilya Valentino ang mahihinang babae, dahil ako ngang matapang na ay hindi pa rin nakaligtas. Paano na ang natural na mahihina?

Humugot ako ng matalim na hininga. "I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can convince kuya to come home."

"He won't. You have to visit him, and if you will see his woman, do what you have to do."

My chest tightened as I shut my eyes. Visiting my brother means seeing Boyd again. Magkasama sila ngayon sa Tarlac at nagpapatakbo ng tattoo studio. Siguradong kung dadalaw ako roon ay magkukrus ang landas namin ni Boyd.

"Georgia . . ." tawag ni Mommy. Her voice sounded desperate.

Nilunok ko ang namuong bara sa lalamunan bago ko pinilit na magsalita. "I'll . . . see what I can do, Mommy."

Tuluyan ko siyang binabaan ng tawag. I let my phone fall on my side before I grabbed the extra pillow. Tumagilid ako't niyakap ang unan habang unti-unting naninikip ang dibdib ko. Nang hindi ko na nalabanan ang pangungulila ay tuluyan akong humagulgol.

I miss him. I kept searching for a piece of him in every man I sleep with but I couldn't find any. I tried to taste his lips on someone else's but I was never satisfied. I let several men wrap their arms around me but I never felt the kind of home that I found in his arms.

Sa rami ng lalakeng ginamit ko, walang naging sapat upang makalimutan ko siya. Ni minsan, walang nakapantay sa kanya . . .

My sobs echoed inside the dimly lit room. If only I could turn back time. If only I could scrub off the crime that's already tattooed on my skin, then I would run back to him and never leave his side again.

Muli akong napahikbi. Kung pwede lang. Kung pwede lang sana . . .