Hanging Fire

Chapter One: Port Sutton

Noa 16;

Port Sutton, to an outsider, is the perfect place for a beach vacation home; but to someone like me, who’s lived in Port Sutton all my life, it’s your entire being. It’s not just because of the amazing summers, but also because here we can get all the other seasons too. The tourists never realize that after September us residents are still anticipating colorful, fall yards, and white Christmases. Of course, we don’t always get them; for most of the year it is more hot or rainy than not. Still, residents like me wait in hope for that occasional breeze during autumn, or pray for that big blanket snow fall for the last few weeks of every year.

My neighborhood, a township called Somerset, feels small and hidden in society. Not that anyone who lives here has been cut off from it or anything, it’s just not obvious to anyone passing by.

It’s nothing like the other neighborhoods in Port Sutton. Somerset looks like any other neighborhood anywhere else. It’s not filled with big beach houses, or mansions. Thirty years before me, maybe even twenty, the six streets that make up this part of my township had been nothing but bushes, trees, and a, “borderline swamp.” As what the older generations, who remember it for what it once was, describe it.

It’s no where near perfect now either. There are no sidewalks, except for on my street. Just my side of the street, up to the elementary school that sits on the top of the hill, as the face of our neighborhood. Behind it is the school’s playground; one we all had probably trespassed, and snuck onto, after school hours, and in the summer as kids. Here, the houses are all unique. Small, big, and with yards just as different. Some with garages, which are just that, and others that are only gravel on the side of their yard; with one car, or some that have three or four.

A few streets over, a neighbor still has all of their Christmas decorations put up, another has their pool in their front yard, and the furthest two streets on either edge, lead to two different highways but only one has constant deer running across.

Those last two streets were always an entire new world to me whenever I would walk around my neighborhood. As if they weren’t the same as the other four. Maybe it was because being so far, I didn’t visit those areas so much. Maybe it’s because those further streets seemed a little better. A little nicer. None the less, more Magical. Since they were on the outskirts of Somerset it still has to be pleasing to look at and for that reason their standards were different.

That and street, 1 and 6 didn’t contain a single person that I knew from school.

My best friends Danny, Courtney, and Jinnie, and I all each live on a different street.

The four middle streets.

On the second street, further from the school is Jinnie’s house. Her family has the biggest one here in Somerset, along with an in-ground pool, despite not being located on one of the outskirt homes.

Following that, on the third is Courtney’s, then mine, and finally, Stone Throw. The fifth street.

My favorite street, is Danny’s street.

It feels like home.

“I got you something while Jinnie and I were in Greene. I couldn’t believe how cute and how much it made me think of you. Simultaneously!” Courtney’s excited with a pink plastic bag in her hand. Her smile is genuine but the underlining meaning. I get it. She’s saying she can’t believe something that made her think of me could also be cute.

I make a face at her. An obvious one. I feel like an anime character when I do.

Maybe a little ghosted out manga character as I shrivel away from her.

“Thaaaanks” I hiss, and she shakes her head along with the pink bag at me.

“No, because when you see it, you’ll know what I’m saying!”

I huff at her, annoyed because I can promise I already know what’s in this bag.

It’s a slut fit.

She’s been trying to sloot me out since day one of being her friend when she told me I had to wear my glasses down on the tip of my nose because that’s how ‘sexy librarians wear their glasses’.

We were like six! And I haven’t worn glasses since that year either.

She dangles the bag in my face again. I watch as her freshly curled ash brown hair bounces in waves at me. The wind picking up her fruity, bubble gum scent passes by my nose while I finally I take her gift.

“Fine, I am actually dying to see what made you possibly think of me.”

I pull the soft, almost silky fabric from the bag and, to my astonishment; I like it.

The colors. It’s light. Two pieces. The underneath is a metallic neon green, short, skinny-strapped mini dress. The second piece is a sheer spandex like fit over, with white and blue designs replicating a 70’s swirl theme.

I’m in love. I can already picture getting all done up in this. Long lashes, a cute half up do, maybe a bump in the back. I rake my fingers through my pink hair.

Maybe it’s time to dye it.

Black or brunette would look amazing in this outfit. But then I see myself behind my eyes. The natural me, who’s a faded blonde.

“If you can help me, get my hair blonde again…I’ll do whatever it is you want me to do with this dress.”

Court cheers. A little loud, but that’s expected since she’d just gotten back from cheer camp with Jinnie.

“Jin should be able to work her little hair science magic on you.” She reaches out and puts a strand of hair from my face behind my ear.

“And just so you’re aware, you just agreed to go to a Jinnie party.”

My eyes bulge, “No!”

“Yes!” She nods at me with amusement. “Why else would I be so confident in you wearing a mini dress? Like you’d ever actually go anywhere like that to a stranger’s house.”

She laughs at me like I’m lame, and I feel it, to be honest. I can’t help it. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable when I go to these things. I don’t even like drinking. I want to be part of everyone; and it’s no fun when I wake up and I’ve made my bed in a bad way.

So, I avoid it. Maybe smoke when I’m feeling social, but even then, I don’t need it. I’m not depressed. That’s one good thing of which I am certain.

And very thankful for.

Because I watch everyone else, and they are.

They’re all sad.

I am just here. Waiting for my life to get started. Why be sad before it even starts? So, I’m containing that energy. Letting it build up so that when I am sad, I’ll hopefully know for sure I am. Too many of the adults around me growing up…just look unsure all the time. I think Jinnie’s parents are the only ones who seem certain of themselves and their children. Enough to let Jinnie have parties when they’re on vacation. And yes, they are 100% aware. I’ve heard them talking about them multiple times. Jinnie’s brother, Colton, who’s my brother Mikey’s age, is usually home to keep everyone in line anyhow. He also doesn’t judge his younger sister and her friends, even though we are all five years younger. He’s also the one who buys all the drinks.

If my brother Mikey knew, however, I’d be dragged out by my arm back to the house without hesitation. And if he did that, I wouldn’t be able to stop the smile on my face. I wouldn’t be able to be angry with him for actually caring. For being the only parental figure in my life. At least an actively acting one.

But Mikey isn’t here.

He’s not going to be here for a few months because he’s in his last year of college and to finish faster, he went to stay at the dorms. Told me to enjoy the summer without him breathing down my neck. To enjoy a year before he came back. February to be exact.

“So, we are!? We’re”, she swats a finger back forth between us, “going to a Jinnie Party?”

I look up and narrow my eyes at Courtney. She beams as she slips a hand behind my hair at the front of my left shoulder, scrunching it between her fingers.

“She can make this blonde again. You use a light pink dye, so it’s not that bad.”

“Why do you look so excited about my hair?”

“I love it when you look—I dunno sexy.”

Again, I fizzle away from her, feeling a cartoon like emotion of offense. “My pink hair brings all the boys to my—”

“Don’t. They don’t. I mean — I want them too, Noa. You’re so damn hot you’re just…” She eyes me up and down.

I’m in an oversized, heather gray, Iron and Wine hoodie. Paired with leggings that are ripped at both knees. Knees Court is boring into with her incinerating brown eyes. She makes a face at me.

“Please. Shave your legs.”

I make a face at her. Then fix it because, okay? For this, beautiful mock 70’s dress, I want to do everything to look different. I want the look to be how I am picturing it. And I suppose, shaved legs are also in that image I want.

Fiiine.

“I got a lot to do before the night. By the time I’m done, I’ll need a nap.”

Courtney’s eyes snap at me with warning.

“You fall asleep, and you won’t go!”

“The hell I won’t!! Jinnie’s going to have food there. I know she is!”

Courtney crosses her arms, a brow going up as she smirks.

“How do you know?”

“You know that if I wouldn’t have taken your dress bait. Jinnie’s back-up plan—s***h—insurance, that I stay is keeping me fed since I don’t drink.

“Colton can keep you high.”

“I’m not getting high with some twenty-two-year-old man!”

“You hang out with James.” Courtney brings this up slyly. She thinks I’m head over heels in love with James Carrera, Danny’s older brother.

“As f*****g if,” I say with a straight face because I honestly don’t think I get those feelings with anyone. “Also, James is nothing like Colton, and he’s barely twenty.”

She rolls her eyes.

“I think you’re just a little biased when it comes to James, don’t you think?”

“No” I blush and shake my head. “It’s not like that. I don’t like guys yet.”

“You’re about to be seventeen. I’m sure you like guys. You’re just—” Something registers on her face, and she grabs me by the arms. “Are you a lesbian?”

I hesitate to answer her…not because I’m gay, because I’m not, but because I can’t believe her — I look at her. She’s wearing a short lilac plaid mini skirt that’s high waisted with a lilac cropped sweater. She’s every man’s, girl next door, type, if you know what I mean. I realize it. She doesn’t get me; and why I’m not like her and Jinnie. Why I don’t care about makeup, and the next popular purse, or shoes, or perfume. None of it matters to me and that is unfathomable to a girlie girl like Court.

“No, I don’t like girls. I do have an attraction to men. I am…however not interested in socializing with them.” I attempt to explain, and I can see her brain short circuiting as she’s trying to process this possibility.

“I don’t believe you.” She eyes me. “I bet you flick that bean to somebody.”

Again, my eyes widen, and my cheeks are burning.

“I do not…”

But I do.

I don’t even know why I do it either. It’s nothing, so I won’t say anything.

“Doesn’t matter. Go shower, shave, and get that ass to Jinnie’s so she can fix the hair!”

I do as she says. I run upstairs to my house and can’t wait to get over two streets to Jinnie’s.

***

“You look so f*****g beautiful. I forgot what your natural blonde looked like. You’d almost washed all the color completely out any way. All I had to do was put a very weak bleach wash to it.”

“It’s amazing, thank you, Jin.” I comb my fingers through my silky blonde strands, that Jinnie has taken the time to straighten for me. Jinnie’s brown eyes, and brown hair is beautiful, she’s keeping it contained with a head band right now, in hopes to give herself some volume. Tonight she’s decided to wear a short Lacey, white, see through, body-con dress.

Jinnie’s the gentler version of Courtney, a motherly version of the three of us. Still, she likes to dress similar to Court, and the two of them enjoy similar activities like shopping, makeup, and dudes.

“Did you hear from Danny?”

I snort. Did I hear from him? I was texting him the entire time I’ve been getting ready with the girls!

“Yeah, he’s coming after 10,”

“Oh, he’s lame. He wants to be fashionably late.” Jinnie says, rolling her eyes. “It’s really what he told me.” She tells on him, and I text him about it:

You trying to be cool and come late?

Danny texts back:

Duh.

I hold my phone tight, pressing it to my lips to hide the smile I’ve plastered. It’s already eight and Jinnie herself is late for her own party, trying to help me get ready. She’s done sent Courtney downstairs to entertain for her.

I don’t feel like myself when I’m all finished. It is, however, the exact image I had in my head when I envisioned myself in the dress from the girls.

I look hot.

I never noticed how womanly my curves look when I stand a certain way. It makes me nervous.

“Maybe I should call it a night. I’m already tired.”

“Cheeseburgers and nuggets are downstairs.”

“You brought us the D’s?”

Jinnie smiles like a giving Angel. I giggle at her, excited about the food all over again.

How did I forget there was food still?

She could have made her pepperoni cheese bread and I would have stayed.

Had she made nothing? Jeez, it would have been tough…

Yeah, no.

I wouldn’t have come. I’d left.

The dress is fun, but only for me.

I’ve sold myself for pure gluttonous intentions, and now I’ll be for show to anyone attending Port Sutton High this year.

That’s the point of Jinnie’s parties. Her being a cheerleader and also the captain, she’s planned the last three welcome back parties. To help let us get to know everyone, but most importantly to get everyone to know us. I never wanted that spotlight. Unfortunately, that’s just what I’ve ended up being known for.

The girl who wants nothing to do with her peers but is everywhere they are.

A hypocrite.

An asshole.

I just feel overwhelmed anymore.

But I’m not sad.

Just stressed.

“I hope that tonight you meet someone who’s finally going to change your life,” Jinnie whispers to me in her sweet tone. I give her the same look I give Courtney when she mentions James over and over to me. Disgust.

“I don’t need anyone to change my life. I am happy where I’m at.”

“You’re like a broken record, Noa.”

I feel a drop in my stomach when she says this. My face falls, and she sees it does because she sighs apologetically.

“Noa, I didn’t mean that. I’m just worried because Mikey’s gone and you being alone with your mother, and I already know your damn dad isn’t going—”

“Jinnie! It’s going to be fine!” I’m not yelling with anger, I have a grin on my face but Jinnie closes her mouth abruptly at my interruption, because she knows that the two of us are sensitive to this topic.

Jinnie can’t help but be angry at my parents. She can’t stand how they puppeteer me around as their personal weapon to each other.

“I’m fine with this. My life is okay. No one bothers me except for Mike, and he’s been gone for most of the summer now and I’ve been fine. Don’t ya think?”

Jinnie doesn’t respond. Her silence loud and clear.

So I just look at her. Appreciating her.

Behind her, at her very busy, and messy vanity is her mixed drink that’s mostly just vodka. I think she said it was Froot-loop flavored, which has intrigued me momentarily.

Food.

It’s my passion.

She sees me eyeing her translucent glass and laughs at me.

“Try it.” She offers, reaching around her to take the glass softly in her manicured hands. The white pear nails on her fingers make her dark skin shine in contrast.

I’ve always wanted to be like Jinnie. Soft. Strong. Pretty.

She was a force different from Courtney. Courtney was chaos, head on, while Jinnie was more silent and manipulative. In the end, you wouldn’t have cared to be taken advantage of by Jinnie Hest, because you knew she must have had a reason to do what she did.

She holds out her drink to me.

Just take it, Noa. Just this one sip to try.

As soon as it hits my tongue, it tricks me into thinking it’s smooth, but the moment it hits the back of my throat, I notice the burn of liquor.

Coughing, I look up to feel eyes on me and see him.

“Danny! You can’t be in here. She’s getting dressed!” Jinnie twirls around to face Danny, who’s standing in her doorway. Her entire room is white, frilly, and laced like her dress.

“Not going to redecorate, are we? Looks like a porcelain doll room.”

Jinnie hooks a hip, dropping the other in defeat.

“A porcelain doll room?”

He nods, looking past her at me, at the cup, and I see a wicked grin building up in his face.

He’s going to get me drunk.

I’ll regret talking a sip from Jinnie.

“My grandma had one.” He continues not breaking our stare. He’s smiling too. “One of our fellow neighbors had an entire mini house built for hers.”

Jinnie shudders,“I know about them. I was afraid to walk past her house on my way to school when I was little.”

“We all were!” Danny agrees and pulls himself off her door to head over to me. He’s wearing some gray khaki shorts, showing off his athletically toned calves and thighs. He’s got on a Long Beach tee he’d gotten from vacation earlier this summer.

The new look worked for him.

But I knew the girls were about to burn him alive.

“You went to the real seaside once and now you’re our personal summer rich boy?”

Danny scrutinizes Jinnie, his jaw hanging open as if he can’t believe what he’s looking at before he turns it to a grin. He could tell he was getting on her bad side and I knew that wouldn’t make him stop either.

“I’ll have you know just because my father doesn’t own a candy factory…”

“Company! He’s not Willy Wonka, you tart!”

He fans his fingers over his chest as if she’d offended him, “I’m a tAaRrt!?”

“Yes, you heard me, Daniel Carrera! You’re the biggest tart in Port Sutton! Man, hoes wear clothes like that, anyway.”

She points to his shorts.

“Because I’m showing my knees? What the hell!?”

I’m still sitting in front of Jinnie’s vanity, smiling as the two of them argue with the same wide smiles on their faces.

I wander if it hurts their face like it hurts mine. My jaw and cheeks are sore and all I can think, is how much I’m really in this moment right now. I’m not somewhere off in my head. I’m fully here, and I’m so f*****g happy to be.

I love being around my friends so much that it brings tears to my eyes. I want to lie somewhere with them just talk and enjoy each other’s existence.

We’ll have to do a movie night soon. All four of us.

I feel my cellphone vibrating. I know by the constant vibration who it is before I look.

“Hey Court, where are you?”

On the other line, she makes a long groan.

“You and Jinnie need to get your little tight asses down here. Clive just came in with his…crowd.”

“f*****g Clive.” I mutter under my breath. I know why he’s here. “He’s here because Mikey owes him for something back from when they were in high school. Lame mother—”

“Don’t!” Jinnie points at me, and I tense. She already knows I’ll dog walk him out of this house. She also knows I’ll make a scene.

“You’re going to go downstairs, but you will not look for Clive! I don’t even know why Court called you!”

Again, I turn to my Stoney ghost and gape at her while Danny begins to rub my arms to try to soothe me playfully.

“I’m not trying to be mean to you, Noa, but you’re mean too!”

“I am not!”

“She is not!” Danny comes to my defense. He always does. “She’s just honest.”

“And her honestly comes off bitchy.” Jinnie states without hesitation, and I have to suck in my entire face.

“I don’t mean to be.”

“That’s—no, I know you don’t sweetie, just go downstairs and play nice with the other kids!” She uses a teasing tone, but I see the desperation in her eyes.

She wants this party to be the best one yet.

I’ll have to avoid Clive’s b***h ass and try and stick to Danny like glue tonight.

“What did you do to Clive?” Danny chuckles and I widen my eyes at him.

“Not now, I’ll explain later. If I get into it now, I’ll pop a blood vessel, or I’ll turn rabid and try to tear him a new ass” —

“Have my brother to smoke with her. Jeez, she’s wild.” Jinnie interrupts me, as Danny wraps his arms around my neck from behind me, herding me toward the front door.

I argue. They think I mean it, but I don’t. I just want to spend this special time with them, always having fun.

“What we are doing tonight, No?” I feel his breath on the back of my head, and I like the small hot spot, and want to lean into it.

I don’t, instead I pull away and turn to him once we’re downstairs and begin rubbing my palms together like I have a vicious plan.

Then I perk up when I see Danny looking at my dress. A losing expression…

Is he?

Like checking me out?

Get the f**k out with that thought, Noa. He’s your best friend.

“Why on earth did you let those walking flower crowns dress you?”

I gasp out a short laugh, “Flower crown!” It makes sense. “Actually, I really like this dress.” I sashay my hips at him, and I swear he battles himself, very shortly, on if he should watch or not.

Because he does. Then shifts his weight back and forth on his feet when he realizes I’m watching him too.

He licks his lips to part them, probably from the tension, or maybe this even feels awkward for him, but in my head, I imagine it’s desire.