Hanging Fire

Chapter Four: Ruiner

Danny 16;

Courtney Clark has ruined everything I've ever touched, loved, and cared for.

Everything except Noa. She hasn't been able to ruin her. And I know that's she's tried.

Noa is however resilient to the girls' bullshit, and I think will continue to be throughout her life. Jinnie Hest isn't someone I worry about but Courtney, I do. She's a viper.

When I told Noa I was leaving for a date, she knew what I meant. I don't date. I mess around.

I can't imagine me going on a date any more than I can imagine Noa going on one. Obviously for different reasons.

Especially with Peter.

But I like Peter.

I really, actually, do.

It took me by surprise too. At how much I liked him and thought, wow I hope he wins her. That's a wild thought to have for your best friend. How easily I approved. I thought I'd be more protective, figuring how I am towards James' feelings for her.

Still, the baby bird needs to fly and meet the bees. Knowing Noa she'll want to be the bee. She loves bees and yellow, which is why I looked at her funny when she kept calling Peter that.

Yellow.

I laugh in my head. She's so ridiculous that she didn't even realize he reminded her of her favorite color—I feel my smile fade and try to push the incoming thought away:

I don't know why it never crossed my mind that maybe she views me as a color too; and when I finally thought it, I didn't think I'd be so disappointed to not be yellow.

It doesn't matter.

I pull around, behind the school once I leave Noa, stopping an inch away from Courtney, her face twisted up in anger.

"Are you trying to kill me!?" She screams, leaning over and smacking the hood of my car.

I see her hair is disheveled and her skirts higher up. The only other person I see out here behind the school on the track and footfall field is, Coach Mackey with a slick beard, pretending he's cleaning out the ball shed.

He's definitely cleaned out Courtney.

I notice him glancing our way often in what I think might be jealously.

He can f**k off.

I get out and walk to the front of my car, to lean against the hood. Courtney stands in front of me, arms crossed.

I smile looking at her skirt.

"Bet you can't wait to go home and shower."

"f**k you!" She spits and I see the anger still flaring in her eyes like they had the other night. "And I'm telling her!" She adds and I look at her cockeyed. She can't threaten me. She can; but I can one up her.

"You're telling her that you sent Peter a love note from her, on the first day of school?"

She tightens her lips.

"Yeah, that was dumb. I dunno what made you do that to her."

Although Courtney is pissed at me, she can't help but laugh because she's evil. Hence setting up the impossible between Noa and Peter. I still can't quite figure out who she's trying to hurt either. At this point it seems like he's her victim. She knows how awful Noa can be when it comes to emotions. Feelings, conversation, all that's normal and what makes a person human for the most part; is pure vulnerability to Noa. She has them, and she's capable of socializing. Yet she will she refrain from showing any interest for as long as it stops humiliating her.

Noa Days most hated thing to be is embarrassed.

"Look if you came to yoke me up again"—

I look at Courtney with surprise and chuckle. "I did not yoke you up. If I had you would have known."

"You're so scary." She coos sarcastically.

All I had done was grab her jaw. I shouldn't have done that, but I think I would do it if she f****d over Noa again. Noa isn't aware though. It's not just the stupid fake love letter either. Courtney is a sociopath, rather than a psycho. I would have never touched the diseased chick hadn't been for my blinded rage of what she'd done. Who she'd done and if—Noa at all found out about it. I wouldn't be able to help her.

I don't want to see Noa upset.

I want to protect her, and this is the best way.

Threatening Courtney.

"I'm not going to keep acting awkward, going in circles around you." She says fixing at her hair, doing her best not to look at me.

I feel bad and start yanking at her arm for her to relax, even come closer if she felt okay to. "I'm sorry. You don't have to avoid me, Court. I just can't have you f*****g up Noa's life up anymore. Jinnie and I"—

She pulls back from me. "See that's why. Until it's not just about Noa. Then maybe come try talking to me again."

She storms off. I could catch up and chase her, but I get what she is telling me and she's right. I never once thought about asking her why she did what she did. I assumed she was doing it out of malice. Perhaps I should have thought about her feelings in this all. Either way I already know Mikey's; how he feels. It's why he's staying away.

Once again, I sigh realizing again that maybe that's also Courtney's problem. Maybe Mikey running away from it all left an impression inside of her I don't know about.

Maybe I am the d**k overall.

And it's not Court who's evil.

***

I could sit in my car for the rest of the day. Then all night. If it means I don't have to acknowledge my house, and all that exists within it. So, I sit in my car just a little longer than necessary. Even after I open my car door, I lean out one leg just thinking about what it might be like inside.

I couldn't have let Noa come over. I also had to be certain she wouldn't come unannounced either.

That's why I lied about a date. If she sees my car at the house she'll assume I picked my date up and went home.

I finally exit my car. Shuffling my feet through the small gravel of our driveway.

I sigh and keep going.

My brother. Is in a plain white tee, and some black joggers. He's got the phone to his ear, his voice is stern, talking rapidly. He was recently told his payment for the semester hadn't gone through so he's back home trying to work out the paperwork before they allow him to come back.

It isn't the first time. It's always the same thing. He gets personal grant through some guy who wants to hire him after college but he's always late with the payment. It happens every year, since James was 18 and first decided to leave. This makes it the third year.

I don't say hi to him when I walk in. I don't ask him how it's been or if he's finally got it fixed.

I go to my father's room.

...

...

The door.

My dad's door is cracked. the same amount as it was when I left it this morning. My heart pounds in my chest as I feel the familiar sting in my eyes as I inch closer to it.

His ugly tan, hospital like door...what if he's—

I push slowly into his room. Eyeing him still in his bed. He's not in the same position as when I last saw him, so I ease up on thinking the worse when I finally stand before him.

Exhausted.

He's breathing.

Snoring very lightly that I'm just now able to pick up on them.

My heart is still pounding.

It's pounding because of what I'd been feeling...thinking. How I felt a tinge of relief that maybe—

"He hasn't woken up. At all. I've been awake since you left his morning."

"You didn't even go in here how you know?"

He's standing in the hall. He's not even in the doorway. Still, he's able to see me and I can him. He's looking me in the eyes, trying to tell me without saying.

I know. I'm not an i***t. I can figure it out.

He knew because Dad wasn't going to the kitchen for another drink. He wasn't throwing himself against the walls, punching and berating himself when he gets so low, he wants to die.

James thankfully got here during his hibernation period.

He gets those. A lot. It's usually after a few days of no sleep, and a s**t ton of alcohol. Today, it's going on almost fifteen hours.

I call the ambulance after twenty-four.

It's made it to that twice.

Heart failure.

Drowning himself in his booze.

Dehydrating himself so severely I'm surprised he can move or see.

"Does he sleep a-lot now?" James asks.

I don't want to answer him; I'm still so pissed at him but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's been in the position to hurt me.

"Yeah. And no." I say shrugging. "Depends on how much he drinks."

James jaw sets. "I'm sorry you know."

I ignore him. He always says this. On the phone, and any time dad can't hear it.

"If dad would have been awake... you would have already been gone."

He doesn't deny it. "You can leave too Danny."

"You're telling me, a sixteen-year-old that?"

He looks away. "I applied myself. I got grants, scholarships...go to college, Dan. It's not impossible."

Easier said than done.

"Yeah hey? James? Go f**k yourself."

He dips his head, sighing but I don't care.

James left. He wanted better. Like mom.

That's who he's taken after.

Our mother.

And I can't stand even the thought of her.

And now him...

For the first time I my life I decide to not stay for the twenty-four-hour mark.

I leave.

I don't even think about it James will stay or not.

For the first time, that earlier thought, the one that made me feel so guilty.

It's finally over.

It lived on in my mind. And I grasped onto it with a relieving smile on my face.

If my father were to die tonight.

A breath of relief would come before the tears of grief.

I love my father. I'm so sure of this, that I don't feel guilty knowing that to be a fact.

Yet my father lives, so I have to be there to pick him up and help him see through sober eyes again.

Except for tonight.

Tonight, I plan on getting some rest.

It's her window I find myself under ever night since we were fifteen.

She was, I was fourteen.

Not giving a s**t I left my room.

Dad was talking to himself. Acting out a happy memory in the living room when I did. I was happy and it was a decent night to leave, I'd thought.

Like the same nights when we were fifteen, and all the other nights when I needed her the same way as I do right now, I crawl up the too close windows, like a squared out rock wall, and pull myself up inside her room.

She's asleep.

She's a f*****g heavy sleeper.

I cannot describe to you that she can sleep through.

She's a menace.

I'm smiling so hard it hurts because I can already feel it.

The peace.

I forget everything when I climb inside Noa Day's window. She used to stay awake for me.

Wait up and have a plan for a night together.

Now she dresses carelessly, comfortably, and doesn't wait up.

That doesn't mean she doesn't expect me. I know she still does.

I go to her bed, pulling her blanket off her body. She's in her pajamas, shivering away from the instant draft I'm giving her.

I kneel in. Sliding in along behind her. Sometimes it's beside her, or in front of her, depending which way she's facing. But I like when I'm the big spoon. Like tonight.

I curl my body around hers. My arm lays overtop of hers as my hand curls and intertwines with her fingers. Her hair is against my face, and I want to press my nose to the back of her neck.

My entire body relaxes as it warms from her bed and her body. I'm not sure if she's awake, or even conscious but her hand tightens around mine as if to tell me she gets why I came tonight.

I swallow.

She'll never get it.

I won't tell her.

"What happened to the date you planned." She murmurs, sleep evident in her voice. She lets out a cough to clear her throat more as she stirs against me.

Don't do that.

"Did it get canceled?" She asks when I stay silent.

"No" I finally find my voice, reaching over to grab her hair and wipe it out of her face and behind her ear.

Kiss her ear.

My fingers tremble over her temple briefly. "I'm on it." I tell her trying to sound flirty but that's because I know she'll see it as a joke.

It's not a joke.

I did plan this from the moment I woke up before school. I knew from the tossing and turning and the swelling my eyes felt from the lack of sleep I got the night before; I wouldn't be able to handle another one of those.

I hold her tighter. She's so warm, it makes my chest feel whole.

"James is back huh?"

I don't have to tell her why my body tenses at her question.

"Yes, he messaged me." She reveals slowly trying to avoid upsetting me.

She can't though. Not when I'm the one who gets to do this; hold her.

"Did you you message him back?" I can't help myself at the mention of James. My lips graze the soft flesh of her cheek. I watch her eyes slowly blink, as a smile peeks out from the corner of her mouth.

"Yes."

"Ah" I say, anger building at my core. My lips travel from her cheek, barely touching, just grazing, to the corner of her jaw. "What did you two talk about?"

"You." I think her voice is a little shaky.

I like that as I continue to slide my lips and the tip of my nose down her neck,

"Why me? Am I a— mutual threat, or"—

"Never a threat. Not to me. He's a threat though."

Gliding over her shoulders, down her arms; her back arches away from me. My arm snaps out to grab her arm so she stops running from me. I keep her steady as she giggles and relaxes. "It tickled."

I lick her elbow. She doesn't feel it but then I give it a kiss and she's silent.

Which means she felt that.

"It's supposed to tickle." I say bringing my lips and nose back up her arm rather than down. Her body forms against me. All on its own, and she doesn't even know how she's betraying herself. Her mind is clueless to this sort of play. This type of touch. But with us it exists on a line I'm not sure if we've crossed or not. It's just there. Blaring red.

"I don't like that James makes you feel like s**t when he's home. I only wanted to ease the burden."

"Him trying to date you is a burden."

"Why?"

My throat is closing, and I feel nauseous. "You're mine." There's a heavy silence. "Friend" I say quickly. "You're my friend, and I don't want my best friend turning into my brother's best friend."

"You can have a best friend that's not your lover."

Lover. When did she start using words like that?

I try to push the discomfort away but it's there, a lodge in my neck. My breathing is shallow now that I am thinking what the word, lover, means to her.

"No; not in this case. I think when we find the people, we want to be with it will be different." I say not recognizing my voice. I begin to panic but my voice doesn't mimic it, nor does my body act against me.

It will be different. Is what I told her. What about all that s**t I said about staying her friend this entire time or we'll ruin it!?

Will it be ruined anyways?

Peter Haim comes to mind.

Yellow, I growl in my head.

Then I relax because I'm not a liar.

Peters a good guy. We met a year ago at my father's last job. His entire family is nice. Wealthy.

Even to this day when Peter showed up to my first period class three days ago, he didn't even mention what happened the last day my Esther was an employee of his parents.

"I think Peter would be a nice person to hang around."

Now she stiffens. I lift myself to try and see her face. She turns giving me access. A serious expression.

"Do you think something is wrong with me?" She asks looking at me, her eyes hooded. I almost think she might be thinking of me in a sense I might find arousing.

I push it away.

She's just not like that.

"Like what?"

"I don't kiss. I don't like too."

"Nah. It's just bad experience."

"Still...it felt more like a necessary thing to do rather than something I wanted. So, there was no emotion. Not for me. Which makes it worse. Why am I so mean?"

"You're not. You're just misunderstood and can't always pinpoint your emotions to one specific thing. Or I think you confuse things like mild embarrassment with a betrayal. It feels dehumanizing and personal, so you react angrily. You're not mean you're protecting yourself."

Noa turns more to look at me. "You're the only one who'd come up with such a genuine excuse for me. I don't think I'll ever like someone enough where I can risk our friendship."

I smile at her warmly, then force her back around to get a better reach around her. Snuggling up to her dramatically.

"Yeah, I don't either; I just don't want you to feel bad when it's you who does."

She scoffs at me. "You think I would betray you first?"

"Betray? That's a strong word. Are we in any predicament where we can betray the other."

She doesn't say anything but after a whole she says, "No. I'd never betray you, Danny."

"I'll be here anyways. When you do." I continue to tease, but the dread in my chest is growing heavy. A new fear is being discovered while in the arms of my best friend, and that's when I realize it:

Courtney Clark had finally succeeded when she gave Peter Haim that note.

She's ruined everything for me.